SENIOR PROJECT - taking a different tack

If, out of all the schemes hatching in my noggin to set elder care on its head, I was allowed to foster develop establish one & one only, it would be a spin off of Cory Boyce's 4th year elective, the legendary "Senior Project."  .

I know how moving it is to see the collection of student mission statements that line the top floor hallway of De Charms Hall.  But for older folks?  For senior citizens?

Well, Mom wrote one.  She wrote it after our 1997 trip to & from DisneyWorld, wrote for her own satisfaction, inspired by Stephen Covey, a big believer in family & personal mission statements.  I wasn't involved in her process - Mom thrashed it out on her own - and I have no idea where it is now, but I remember how much it meant to her.  So, yes - definitely for older  folks.

It is impossible to express how strongly I feel that writing a mission statement, lead by someone who can gently help olders step back & appreciate their life & consider their future, would be prove invaluable.  Sadly, there's little out there on the internet about using mission statements to help olders relate to their current day realities & look ahead with a sense of purpose.  

Never, not once, all those years ago ~ ~  when I was working with the various execs & department heads at Prudential, helping them craft their business group's individual mission statement, working with all the VPs to come up with our region's, working with the top brass on a company-wide statement ~ ~ did it ever once dawn on me, "Gee, this might be a great exercise for Grandma R. or Viola or Miss Cornelia to tackle."  Not once did I think to myself, talking with Mom about the power of personal mission statements, "Some day, I'm going to develop a program for elders to ponder & write their own."  Not once, as I looked at the variety of student mission statements that ...  Wait!  I did  think to myself, "Gee, this would be great for older people to do, too."  

Gulp.  Guess that leaves it in my wheel-house.  YIKES!  Me?  Take Cory's Senior Project on a different tack?   Double gulp.  But then, I have to ask...  If not me, who?  If not now, when? 

Of all the schemes whirling around in my brain, THIS one, dearest to my heart, tops of my elder care anarchist TO DO list.  Not a  soft-focus "wouldn't it be nice if some one some day did this?" whisp of pleasant thought, but a hard-edged, heart-infused GOAL.  

Big GULP & (leaving nautical terms behind) a rowdy "head 'em up, move 'em out!"

Morning Report

The greatly beloved father of a friend (and awesome writer) recently died.  I'd known of her dad since her parents' courting days & met him just before they married.  It was impossible to not immediately be swept away by his smile, by his unbridled zest for LIFE.  It might sound cliche, but it is oh so true - the man was a force of nature. 

What I keep thinking about is the morning call he shared with my friend.  Praise be, she's writes like an angel & shared a few details of those "Morning Reports" on her blog.  What priceless treasures she has in the memory of those phone calls.  

Small wonder the man was a direct affront to Father Time - he kept forever engaged with life, as witnessed by their daily touch base. How ideal if all my older friends shared a similar morning gab with a child or a young friend!

Mind you, I have numerous friends of a certain age who keep in daily contact with parents.  Are they just giving a wake-up call, touching base about the coming days activities, or are they taking the contact beyond the practical to sharing bits about their own life?  They might seem minor, inconsequential, but oh what a difference they can make to a life!  

I deeply appreciated my friend's description of their "Morning Report" phone calls because it's an aspect of parenting I never experienced.  My mother lived with us.  But I can vouch for the power of the friendly sharing of "what's happening" bits & pieces, because we did that throughout the day.  

My guess is that those early morning phone calls were a build off long-time father-daughter communication patterns.  They appreciated each other as human beings as well as doting parent & adoring child.  Sadly, I've known a lot of parents who have not fostered such a relationship - a friendship - with their children.  It's like friendship in marriage - when the wife in me wants to verbally lay-out my hubster, it's the friend who says, "Now, wait a minute..."  When children & parents are able to nurture friendship, the later years tend to be more rewarding, less heartbreaking.

"Morning Report" phone calls - another item for my growing list of Best Practices in Eldering.

Lethal lethargy

One of the most pernicious attitudes any older person can slide into is lethargy.  It puts a damper on independence, kills initiative, smothers liveliness.  Lethargy can easily overshadow & swallow up an older's life.

This, I know from first hand experience with Mom.  On several occasions, she took a long time getting back on her feet after surgeries and/or hospitalizations.  The very worst of all was happening just around this time of year, about 23 or so years ago.  For a while, I wondered if I would ever be able to pry her out of the house.

It started with a hospitalization for a heart murmur.  Mom was an old hand at those hospitalizations - she'd be in for just a few days, long enough to stable her slightly roller-coastering heart beat.  Not this time.  This time things went horribly awry.

Her regular heart specialist was unavailable & her hospital care fell to a highly respected, very "old school" cardiologist.  When her meds were haywire, he took over a day to correct them: when he finally did, he blamed Mom's body for not responding properly.  It certainly didn't - what should have been a short, minor hospitalization became far, far more serious & way, way longer.

When she was finally released, part of his post-hospitalization instructions were to walk several times up & down the flight of steps between the 1st & 2nd floor.  What he did not caution was to have someone "spot" her, since her meds could leave her light headed.  Two days after she'd returned home, she was back in the hospital - with a broken hip, the result of a tumble down three steps.  

Surgery, long hospitalization, then weeks in rehab left her 81-year old spirits feeling in utter disarray & broken.  I had never seen the life sucked out of her before.  Even weeks after returning to her cozy room between the computer  & art studios, she remained unusually quiet, withdrawn.

Utterly failed to get her out for the bops that had been a staple in her life - Saturday morning coffee & sticky buns at her beloved Snacks by the Tracks, lunch with Aunt Di or Gig, or an out & about ramble.  Every suggestion was met with some version of turning her face to the wall.  I was getting alarmed.

Luckily, Mother Nature has always been an excellent ally.  Using some flowering plant or tree as a lure, I got Mom out on the first short drive, just down to Bryn Athyn & back.  Slowly slowly, the rides got longer.  Instead of just driving around the church, we'd explore Cairn Run or do The Loop, drive the campus or meander along Mason's Mill to Huntingdon to Edge Hill & down Terwood.  At that point, I was ready to make my big move.

Mom had enjoyed waving at people as we breezed past, but she still totally resisted any suggestion to actually interact with people.  That was a worry, being totally the opposite to her usual warm & welcoming self.  Felt like the fall had shaken her sense of security & stability to the core.  It was increasingly clear that I'd have to DO something to help restore her earlier sense of "all's right with the world."

One beautiful late April afternoon, the two of us headed out on a late afternoon drive.  Mom didn't think anything about heading along Terwood to Valley - taking in a ramble through woodsy Rydal was a natural build off our earlier drives.  This time, however, I took care to make it an extra long drive.  Sure enough, Mom lightly touched my arm, "I think we should head home - nature calls."

No problem, I assured her - Barnes & Noble just opened a branch in Jenkintown, less than 5 minutes from here, and it's ladies room is easy to get to.  She wasn't exactly happy about it, but agreed to give it a go.

Her book-loving nature took care of the rest.  There was no way she was passing by all those tables of books & not picking up a few to check out.  I directed her to the cafe (literally less than a minute from the rest rooms, should she need one), settled her, and ordered a cup of decaf coffee & a tasty morsel.  Mom was hooked.

Barnes & Noble was her half-way house for reconnecting with her circle of friends, with her community.  People would see her sitting there & come over, not too many but just enough to send her home smiling over the ones she'd seen.  We got permission to celebrate her birthday there, complete with cake & presents & even a few of her head-board stuffies.  Slowly, surely, her old spirits returned.  But I will always remember the hollowed-out woman who wouldn't budge from her big chair in the living room, the one who was cocooned in the shell of lethargy.

Time & again, I've experienced older friends who balk at going out on a ramble, for a sip & a nibble, for a meal.  It takes persistence, tenacity & a bit of inspiration to pry the fingers of lethargy off their spirit, but oh what a difference it makes! 

Crafting community

The primary goal of my elder care anarchy efforts is working with others to craft a community of support, gifts & expertise.  The friend who produces exquisite personal story videos, the one who offers elders blog-writing support, the whiz who can explain computers so even I can understand - these & many more coming together to help engage, energize & empower.  

The circle's just begun to grow.  Unexpected kindred spirits pop up, like the acquaintance who sang to my heart with the following FB post on how to help older relatives with technology:  


What do you think?
 
I'm trying to figure out how to harness the power of social media/networking so we can safely provide assistance to our older relatives who have minor technology issues (not the kind that need a paid repair person), issues that any of us (heck, any of our school aged kids!) could solve, but which our older relatives can't because they didn't grow up with this technology.
 
- My idea is that we could somehow create a network in which friends can introduce friends who live within (ideally) 1-2 miles of an older person who needs tech-support, so that Grandpa Clem can call his daughter and say, "I just don't get it. I click and click on that blue e and my e-mail doesn't open anymore." And then his daughter, who earlier checked on the tech-support network group and found someone who lives right in Grandpa's neighborhood, can say, "Don't worry Grandpa. I'll call a friend of my who lives right in your neighborhood and she'll send over her 9 year-old grandson who can get you logged in."

- Any interest in something like this?
- Any ideas in how to make it work?
- Any ideas for how to make it safe so predators don't use it to prey on our dearly loved older relatives?

Gleefully touching base with her - sing to me, sister! - she summed up the challenge of taking our passion & translating it into action ~ ~ finding ways to move from concept to workability.  It is exciting to be started in another interchange with another soul who's seen the light. 

In my experience, that is the crucial key - interchange, interacting with older friends & loved ones, getting into discussions.  It all translates into helping them access the internet in safe, secure ways.  And it takes time & energy & emotional investment - on their part, on ours.  The best way to keep online meanderings safe?  Do it together, working in tandem,  forging an alliance for internet access &  adventuring.

Leave it to the experts, the ones who have mastered the theory of aging, who understand it through spread sheets & data mining, and you get the too-often impersonal, depersonalizing support that hallmarks today's approach to aging, the methods that work on paper but fail to help someone be the best, most exuberant version of themselves at this any given moment.  

Let the inspired amateurs give it a go, drawing from real-life experience ways to support without smothering, to uplift rather than manage, to reflect back to beloved elders the vibrant energies & empowering presence that grace our lives.

It takes a community to craft environments where olders can step into glorious elderhood.  Let's get cracking! 

Resignation v. Resiliency

How wonderful it would be if all of us were aware of the everyday activities that just blend into the background of living, but which make such a difference in our lives.  Driving to the supermarket to pick up a missing ingredient for tonight's supper, vacuuming the house, weeding the garden.  Everyday stuff that seems precious beyond words when one circumstance or another takes them permanently off a to-do list.

It's easy in those times to feel a sense of resignation to life.  How many times do older friends or clients heave a sigh & talk about "Well, that's just the way it is.  I have to make the best of it," or "God knows what's best."  Heartbreaking, hearing the resignation, the sense of powerlessness.  

Way back in 2000, Mom wrote about life at ninety:  Today. my body constantly clues me in that it is merely temporary.  It is  breaking down.  That is in the order of things, however rotten it is to  experience.  I take two strong pain pills a day and I have excellent and open  doctors.  I live in a supportive household with two "youngsters" who love me.  My daughter badgered and brow beat me to think for myself rather than  constantly trying to mirror back what I thought she or others wanted me to  say or do.  She was the burr under my saddle for change, but the catalyst was  my son-in-law, who is remarkably gifted in the ways of healthy communication.

Yes, I did badger her to think for herself rather than drift into resignation. In the beginning, it can take a lot of energy to choose resiliency over resignation.  Resignation is so simple, just follow the path of least resistance by turning over responsibility for life to fate, to your kids or caretakers, to God. Again, Mom described how she felt at those times: Many women of my generation  anchored our identities on others, those we took care of and nourished.  Personally, I balked at sparing time or energy to think and act for myself.  

Prime breeding grounds for resignation.  It drove me nuts, how Mom would negate herself, would try to defer to an other rather than stand on her own two feet.  Whenever the whiff of conflict arose, I could see her shut down before my very eyes, resigning herself to where she assumed she belonged - in the wrong.  

arrrggggghhhhhh!

It took me years, but I finally realized that if my response was to drop my hands to my side & say, with great exaggeration & in my worst Cajun dialect,  "You is de biggest..." (draw hands up to my hips, so my arms were akimbo) "...de baddest..." (make a full circle with my arms & hands) "...de most no-account grannie on de face of de eahth!"  she'd crack up & would be back with me, rather than resigned to some inner netherworld.  

And, much to my delighted surprise, she learned.  She learned that when she laughed, things got better.  She learned that something SHE did could make things better.  She learned that she could, on her own, turn things around.  That she didn't have to be resigned to feeling less.  She learned that by taking the initiative, she could feel more.  

It wasn't my intention to create an environment where Mom could develop greater & greater resiliency, although that is what happened.  And once she started to get more resilient, it just grew & grew.  Once she had a taste, she wanted more.

All of what I've learned over the decades about how to provide support to older friends & loved ones came through real-life experience.  A LOT of it happened, like discovering the importance of resiliency, through sheer luck, happenstance.  I'd love to say that it's an easy thing to do, but it was difficult tough exasperating.  But I respected Mom too much to see her trapped in that bleak disempowered half life.  

Weird - just hit me that my hope for Mom was the same as the hope I had for my BACS 6th grade students, for my Prudential coworkers, for John - that they have enough confidence in themselves to connect with & express their own opinions.  That was beyond hard for Mom - it was impossible.  She literally needed a psychologist's help to learn how to recognize & respect her own opinions.

Developing resiliency can be tough at any age, but especially when we "trip the oldometer" (another Mom phrase!) into serious older age.  Then, it can be tough & painful & go against what our instincts say is the wisest course of action (aka lay low & cause as little disturbance as possible). 

Thanks largely to my goofy attempt at helping her snap out of self-negating behavior, Mom stop being a victim of outside forces & realized SHE could  make things better.  Not like she did twenty, thirty, forty years before, but what she could in her here & now, whatever that might feel like. As Mom wrote:   It is not all "beer and skittles" - there are rough patches. The changes  that come   with old age are scary, especially changes in life roles.  I have  not enjoyed the hands-on role of wife for over 26 years.  At ninety, I cannot  even manage the role I played as a parent.  The resources just are not there.    I cannot provide massive emotional or even minor financial support.   I  cannot wash a floor or do the grocery shopping or even dust my own room. (I   can still shell hard boiled eggs and clean mushrooms!)    

In Katharine Reynolds Lockhart v. Resignation, Mom - and resiliency - won!

Pathways of Conscious Aging - OMEGA

Gail Straub's workshop - THE OPEN ROAD, Pathways of Conscious Aging - is a "co-creative dialogue focused on four pathways toward conscious aging:  work, spirituality, creativity & community."  

How deeply I desire to help clear the way of the obstacles & distractions keeping so many olders from finding their "unique rhythm of doing & being."   Not counseling - not my expertise.  Just an assist clearing off the path.  

Too many olders - and youngers - seem to feel that the various pathways of aging all come with "Dead End" signs.  Finding & following our way along empowered & empowering pathways takes all ages, all honoring The Road.

The course I'd dearly love to take is one in midwifing an older into a glorious rebirth as someone more spiritually based, less ego-bound.  Isn't that the true opportunity presented in our closing years - letting go of the body, embracing a fresh insight to... well, everything?  That was what I experienced with my own mother.  It's what I'm experiencing at this very moment with a willing grannie client.  I don't counsel or advise or even try to influence - just get whatever seems to be in the way brushed off to the side.

If nothing else, being part of this workshop will connect me with kindred souls, seeking more humane ways of helping olders grace into elders.  

Elders with ATTITUDE

Still smiling. 

Took a grannie client to the opening reception for the spring group show at Chapman Gallery, D-town. Admit to being worried that she'd be overwhelmed - small gallery, potentially large crowd - especially when I had to drop her & John off because no parking was to be found. Drove around & around - nothing. FINALLY found a great spot. 

Rushed to the gallery - to find her esconced in one of the small rooms, comfy in a chair, glass of merlot in one hand, homemade cookie in another, artist after artist coming by to talk to her. Reminded me so much of Mom. 

If only I could convince my older friends about the power elders with attitude hold, magnets for younger souls!