It's never too late

Over the past few days, I've felt the full power of the phrase, "It's never too late."  Never to late to do or see or experience or express or sense the wildness of life, the sheer exuberance of drawing breath, of connecting with others, of being a walking universe upon this 3rd rock from the Sun.

I'll go that one further - it's never too late because it is always NOW.  There is no such thing as "too late."  A fact that a lot of us have a lot invested in poo pooing.  

My mother was in her late 80s when she finally felt safe enough to realize she hadn't a clue about her core self.  Born in 1910, she was raised to think that women were meant to be of use to others.  She was 10 years old when women got the vote - all those years before, her experience was of a culture where women were expected to share their husband's political beliefs. Just ten years before her birth, the last state in the union FINALLY made it legal for married women to own property & open bank accounts in their own name!  

Seeking a fresh understanding of herself was a big deal for Mom, about to enter her 90s.  It took courage, because her seeking intimidated the daylights out of some children.  She blew the false refuge of "it's too late" out of the water.  Tripping the "oldometer" toward 100, she said, "Phooey!" to assumed limitations & opened a way for everyone to celebrate the possibility of... everything.  

Which is why it irks my soul to read "It's never too late to be what you might have been."  Talk about phooey!  Mom didn't suddenly wake up to be what she might have been - she awoke to being all she was, the remarkable embodiment of every moment & person & experience in her life. 

It's never too late to wake up to all that we are, to embrace the person at this moment who's the sum total of all the moments - every one of them - that came before.   

As for, "Let today be the start of something new" - every day is the start of something new, it's just up to us what that will be.  

It's never too late to realize that every moment is an opportunity to wake up.  That is the real gist of "living happily ever after" - being awake.

It's never too late to be where we are, all of what we are, to the max that we are able.  That is true whatever our age.  Mom was just a couple months shy of 90 when she started writing her Mindwalker1910 postings;  by this time next year, the first grouping of them - 02/19-07/19/2000, under the title The Velveteen Grammie - will be published, fifteen years after our last good bye. 

It's never too late.  It took Mom to the last years of her life to finally arrive at a place where she could accept that her common life was uncommon to a lot of people, to where she could embrace in her heart that her stories might be helpful, that her insights might be experienced by youngers as much needed wisdom.  

Mom wasn't simply someone who embodied "It's never too late."  She was someone who irony in that phrase, because life isn't on a time schedule.  We limited being place our own limitations on what naturally would declare, "It takes as long as it takes."

I've learned it's never too late.  Never too late to find the love of your life, to find a state of peace with a once embattled parent-child relationship, to discover a connection to a long-gone brother, to find fresh appreciation & ever deeper love for a challenged sister. It's never too late - period.  It's just taking as long as it takes.

Wake up.  Stay awake.  Look around & celebrate the fact that it's never too late.  Free it to take as long as it takes.  Rejoice & be exceeding glad.
 

 

Trust accounts

 

Whatever our age, crafting & using a well-balanced friendship budget helps enhance our lives & the lives we love & care about.  Ditto building & maintaining trust accounts. 

Over the years, both my personal & professional experience has shown that both of these realities are sadly lacking with many older children/aging parents.  On both sides.  

The durable sense of friendship that existed between myself & my mother helped keep our relationship on even keel.  It wasn't always easy, but it was worth it.  People think the two of us were so alike, when we really were incredibly different in ways that matter.  But we both kept focused on being as fair & kind & emotionally generous as we could be.  Well, usually.

Trust was another matter.  Am sad to say that Mom didn't trust me.  Oh, it's not that she thought I was untrustworthy in the usual sense, but she never trusted what I'd ask, where I delved - places she didn't want to go, things she didn't want to look at let alone spend any time pondering.  There were often times when it felt like I was the scariest person in the world to her.  

Am sad to say that I didn't trust Mom any more than she trusted me.  Experience taught me that she might swear she'd back me up, only to crumble when the moment came.  It wasn't that she wouldn't keep her word, but that she couldn't.  It wasn't in her.  More fool I that it took so long to realize.  

That lack of a stable trust account did a real number on our relationship.  It kept it from developing the depth that I longed for, that Mom always liked to think existed.  I don't wish that for anyone.  

But that doesn't mean I didn't keep doing my best to turn things around or that Mom didn't try her best.  That's all any of us can do - keep trying our best.


From first breath to last, we must ALWAYS do all we can to build trust with others, especially family, particularly with our parents, however rocky our relationship might have been in the past.  

Parents, just as much as little ones, will pay attention to what their children do rather than say.  If a son keeps talking about the things he wants to do with Dad, but consistently cancels due to other commitments, Dad is going to get the message his son a) doesn't care about being with him & b) is untrustworthy with his word.

Whatever the age, children & parents need to develop good listening skills.  I've known children who talked over a parent without even realizing it, known parents (even very young ones) who seemed attentive but didn't process what was said in the way it was intended.  Listening skills become even more important as parents age.  Children need to make sure older parents heard everything they said, parents need to be willing to let others know they haven't heard every word.  

 

Telling the truth can be a major problem with older parents & children.  Older parents are especially challenged.  So many times, so many put themselves in the impossible vise of not telling their family what they really feel or really need, then feel resentful when those needs are unmet.  And children too often true to protect their aging parents by misrepresenting all manner of situations & relationships.  Sure bet for disaster.




From age 14, I was fiercely aware of the damage broken promises can cause the elderly.  A scene from The Trouble with Angels has stayed with me for almost 50 years.  It's Christmas Day & some of the students at a Catholic girls school & their nun teachers are visiting a home for the aged.  One of the girls hears the Mother Superior comforting an old lady who is crushed because her children, who promised to visit, are no shows.  Not keeping even small promises - especially when it happens over & over - can be just as devastating.  It's all too easy for younger people to not realize how much their older loved ones enjoy being with them - yes, even ones who seem snarly & crabby.  Make promises with care;  once made, keep them.
  
It's impossible to overstate the importance of honesty in any parent-child relationship, whatever the age.  This can be a major challenge for aging & elderly parents.  They might fudge the truth or outright lie for a lot of reasons, including not wanting to be a burden, not wanting to appear vulnerable & even "protecting" their children from what's going on.  Children can be just as prone to telling white lies, even building intricate deceits (hiding an illness, a problem in the family, financial woes are good examples).  No matter what the age, compassionate honesty remains the best policy.
 

Perhaps the crowning quality to building a healthy trust account is consistency.  Consider two clients.  One knows that every Saturday, he will see one of his children in the morning, that on Sunday he'll have lunch with his daughter, supper with one of his sons.  Without fail.  

Another client's family doesn't have any sense of consistent routine - she doesn't know from day to day what's on the schedule, because this thing or that can through everything into confusion at the last minute.  Between his work & hers & their children's school & sports schedules, there's nothing they can do to make things different to stabilize their schedules - not that they realize there's a serious problem (what's "routine" to them is anything but to the elderly mother).  Just as it's important for children to know there's a constant set of house rules, elderly parents need to be able to get a sense of knowing what's expected of them, what they can expect from others.

It was a constant sorrow that Mom wasn't able to get past her trust issues to feel a sense of safety with me.  That true with a lot of parents & children.  But she never stopped working on them, neither did I.  There might not have been a sense of trust between us, but we both trusted each other's heart was in the right place, that we were striving for better.  In that, we had total trust.  In the long run, that's what mattered most.

MUST READ ~ Lifting From Others the Burden of Your Own Death

 

This excerpt from this "must read" International New York Times article reminds me of how things played out after Mom died & wishing it had been the same with Mim's passing.   

Although death planning can be emotionally vexing, it is essential for families and survivors. They may not know your true intentions without written directives. By the time the will is read or estate plan executed, it will be too late.

Yet death planning will not only allow you to plan a dignified, meaningful and even splashy exit, but will provide guidance for those attending to your last moments and beyond.

When my mother died in 2009, she had left explicit written directions. She didn’t want a religious service and chose cremation. Her ashes were to be spread in the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico off the Southwest Florida coast. A party in a country club celebrated her life with family and friends. It was sad, but intimately reflected her intelligence, love, thoughtfulness and joie de vivre in planning parties and holidays.

Which will you be like - Mom, who shared her wishes, or Mim, who left us wondering what she'd like? 

What is a DEATH MIDWIFE?

From Beyond Hospice - training for midwives to the dying

The work of death midwives and home funeral guides does not duplicate the work of professionals such as nurses or funeral directors.  We work alongside them and our skills are not medically oriented, they are more heart-oriented. We use the ancient, and time-proven techniques of an open and compassionate heart, our hands, and our voices. This work can be done in any setting, whether in a hospital, nursing facility or a home.

When a loved one’s death is dignified, peaceful and meaningful it can be a sacred experience for those left behind. Often an event such as this heals family rifts and enables people to reconnect with each other in ways that are life-changing for everyone involved. When families are able to participate in the ending of a loved one’s life it can be very empowering.

Beyond Hospice offers Death Midwife and Home Funeral Guide training. The training is intended to focus and sharpen our natural skills and to give confidence and credibility to the practitioners. This training encourages participants to work with people before and after death.

Friendship budget

How many books - t.v. shows - downloads have been produced on the importance of making & sticking to a financial budget?  The mind boggles at the number!  

Just as financial budgets are essential for our well-being, I've found that having a friendship budget - with unlimited reserves waiting to be wisely used - is just as essential.  A 401k might fall to pieces, those blue chip stocks might belly up, a Roth ira might go totally off track, but investments into & withdraws from my 401gf* are guaranteed to last a lifetime. 

This was recently brought home by experiences with two different clients.  One is moving from independent living to the personal care section of her retirement community.  The other is getting familiar with a new town, new surroundings, new dynamics, having moved from her longtime home to live with family.  

In both their cases, they & their families are able to handle the financial hit brought by the changes.  But a lot - maybe even the majority - of people in similar situations would be set back on their heels.  Maybe the added expense of personal care would mean Dad has to sacrifice the priceless outs & abouts that helped keep him engaged & perking along.  Maybe the move took more financial outlay than expected, maybe Mom's beloved house isn't finding a buyer, maybe maybe maybe.  

Sadly, it's not unusual for friends to find that the attention & activities I provide falls into the "non-essential" category & needs to make way for new meds, extra daily care, the cost of a decent wheel chair or a supply of Depends.  
 
What I do is regarded by many as an "indulgence," a luxury that only those with big bucks can afford.  I consider it essential.  Which is why I throw the occasional "Movie & Martinelli's" night at our local retirement community; why I do "Tea Cup Tours" - out & abouts to small museums, cozy tea rooms & holiday shopping, where the only cost older friends have to cover is their own expenses;  why I long to forge closer ties between our local college & the retirement community that's just a stone's throw down the road from each other.  There HAVE to be things that my older friends can do that are fun & expansive, where their presence is the return on another's investment, where there's interchange between generations - where they can do all this without having to wreak havoc on their financials.

 

Interesting thing about when I dip into my friendship budget & cover the cost of the nibbles & sips for a "Movie & Martinelli's" night, the gas & other costs on an outing, the time & energy working to forge connections between the very young & the much older - my budget never depletes.  Each new activity is a new deposit.  

Here's an ideal set-up:  Last night, John & I discussed suggesting to a movie buff friend having a Thursday film night at his house.  We'd provide dinner, he'd underwrite dessert & the three of us would alternate picking the movie.  What looks like something nice we're doing for him is actually a total deposit into our joint friendship account - we get the company of a beloved elder, I get incentive to cook a good meal, and we all get to watch a great flick.

It's easy for us to do a movie night celebration, one-on-one with a friend or for a group.  Going out for rambles is part of my Reynolds-Lockhart DNA - Dad never took the same route from a destination as the one he took to (and John is the same).  Finding interesting things to do that don't cost a lot or any money is a natural talent nurtured by an adventurous older, often flat broke sister.  Belief in the importance of having a robust friendship budget that repletes with each personal expenditure - that's an awareness that's been in me since birth.    

Financial budgets are all well & good. They help assure we live in a nice place with appropriate clothing for each season, that we have enough to eat & enough to cover unexpected expenses, hopefully enough to plan for large or small indulgences.  But - to me - having a friendship budget, with unlimited reserves on hand, is perhaps even more essential.  Yes, even more.  

When I invest time & energy & even $$$ into an outing or an event with older friends, we all end up with fresh infusions of capital into our friendship budgets.  Call me the Jim Cramer - or, better yet, Louis Rukeyser - of friendship investing, encouraging one & all, old - young - in between, to get into the market because it's HOT.   But only if you're off the sidelines & actively investing.  

 

 

When friendship is part of your stock in trade, everyone is richer for it. 


* 401gf - my good friend account!  a tweak on Girlfriendology.com

photo credits: fierceattachments.com, cypressunited.com, thepracticingcatholic.com

 

Pared down to two!

So excited to be FINALLY submitting my GoFundMe request next week!  It's taken YEARS to finally pare it down to what is essential, but it feels like I'm close enough to move ahead.

What started out as a LONG list of "wanna do" goals has be sorted into next year, five & ten year targets.  Relabeled as longer range "must do" deeds - setting up initiative for collecting life stories (a la Story Corps) to an open share of intergenerational actives; developing memory-enhancing games & self-publishing The Velveteen Grammie, a collection of my 91-year old mother’s e-mails; cheerlead older bloggers;  publish articles on nurturing a “5^th commandment” mindset;  present workshops on elder resilience;  pen articles on intergenerational activities; brainstorm photo- & memory-based enrichment games; partner authors & mental health professionals to develop peer-to-peer skits addressing elder-to-elder bullying.  

Picked just two to take from dream to DONE over the next year - establish Cyber Access for the Technically Timid & develop my Core Values project.  Both offer significant rewards for older friends & their families, both with be designed for open sourcing, with apps suitable for individuals, families, care partners.  

Make a success of those two, then use their success as foundation for achieving more.  My aim is slow, steady, lasting efforts & results.  Establish locally, with the intent to expand globally.