Happy Interdependence Day!

My sister died on July 3, 2015.  My nation celebrates its birthday on July 4.  The deep awareness that was intensified by the first combined with the joy of the second leads me to declare that from this time forward, I will celebrate July 5 as Interdependence Day!

As soon as I wrote that down, just seconds ago, realized it's not true.  Not July 5 - am celebrating EVERY day as my "Happy Interdependence Day!"  

We all should, every one of us.  Sadly, that is in direct contradiction to the currently ballyhooed "ideal" of the rugged individual who stands on his or her own two feet, takes what life gives, pulls themselves up by their own bootstraps to make it into something fine & worthy of admiration. 

A stunning number of GOP leaders are fervent fans of author, Ayn Rand.   Influential senators Rand Paul (not named for her) & Ron Johnson are numbered among them.  Ronald Reagan admired her, while current presidental candidate Gary Johnson tells the story of when he & his wife started dating, how he gave her a copy of Atlas Shrugged, telling her, "If you want to understand me, read this."  Every year, Associate SCOTUS Justice Clarence Thomas screens The Fountainhead for his incoming law clerks.  Ted Cruz pointed to her as "one of my all-time heroes."  Speaker of the House Paul Ryan once made it a point to introduce all his staff to her writings & philosophy, as has Ted Cruz.  

I make the point of declaring every day Interdependence Day because it's needed.  Across America, people need to embrace that independence is only truly liberating when it serves as a stepping stone to working with each other for the greater good. 

My first act on this first of my forever Interdependence Days is to remind anyone who forgot & inform those who don't know that Ayn Rand is about as unlikely a conservative icon as you're going to find.  A) She was - gasp! - born in Russia.  B) She believed that reason is the only way to gain knowledge.  C) Loudly & clearly rejected faith & religion.  D) BUT all those things are moot to conservatives, because she firmly believed in laissez-faire capitalism, free from any government interference, a belief which apparently makes all the rest okay.  

Ayn Rand would scoff at my concept of Interdependence Day.  Silly Ayn!  What she missed.  Yesterday, looking at my community as we all celebrated the 4th, was swept with fresh appreciation of all I hold most dear.  

People look at the stuff I do for my community & marvel - even question - doing things like handing out free cupcakes, decorated with sprlnkles & gummy dolphins surfing blue frosting, at yesterday's picnic.  For me, it's sweet payback for so many years of so much support, from when Dad died while I was still in college to as recently as last year when I needed dental care & didn't have the funds.   

People could look at my current success & think, "There's a gal who made the most of her opportunities, who overcame adversity to make a difference."  I am here because my community - financially, emotionally, spiritually - was there for me when I was in need.  It/they helped hold me together when I was falling apart, helped hold me in place so I could get to my here & now.

I've seen play out in my own life that every day is Interdependence Day, a new opportunity for fresh success, paying back & paying forward.  To me, THAT is the gift of being born an American.  

Listening to patriotic songs that are dear to my heart & soul. noticed something that had previously slipped by - that America, the Beautiful says, "Who, more than self, their country loved, and MERCY more than life."  I'd remembered that incorrectly, thought it was "freedom more than..."  

We hear a lot of talk about freedom & liberty, words that I am sure Ayn Rand held dear.  We don't hear so much about mercy - and my guess is that certain folks could consider it a wimpy, downright unAmerican word.   Not me.  Will keep mercy in my thoughts & in my heart, will do all I can to reflect it in my actions.  


My sister died on July 3, 2015.  My nation celebrated its birthday yesterday.  Remembering Mim, holding fast to what she & my family, my community & country mean to me, am proclaiming, "Let the bells ring out the news - Happy Interdependence Day!"  Always & forever, may I hold mercy of greater value than life.  

Ayn Rand's acolytes might consider that heresy.  I hold it to be the American Dream that we can all help realize, in at least some small way, every day.  

 

 

In writing this posting, came across an article in the Concord (NH) Monitor, written just yesterday.  It makes the point I've been mulling far better than my attempt to describe what went through my mind & heart during yesterday's festivities.  My thanks to Brennan Barnard for such tender thoughts expressed in such intelligent writing:

Today, the word independence is thick in the warm summer air. Everywhere across the United States we will gather, grill and gawk at the fireworks as a representation of our country’s freedom 240 years ago.

A lot has changed in the years since our infant nation rebelled, so rather than simply re-declaring, maybe it’s time we reframe our ideas about independence.

This independence, however, does not excuse us from our responsibility as human beings and global citizens. 

... I would argue that it is this growing disconnection among people that contributes to our economic and personal insecurity. If we must declare independence from something, perhaps it should be from the hate, fear and xenophobia that seek to drive a wedge between individuals, cultures and nations.

Maybe what we need is an “Interdependence Day,” an opportunity to turn our attention to the ways we can work together to support that which others value without surrendering our own ideals. This world needs more connection, not isolation. We need to rely on each other mutually and instill these principles in our children.

....We can argue about what constitutes “great,” but fear, isolation and withdrawal from one another seem to be unlikely remedies for an already fractured world.

I am not suggesting that individuals and nations develop a codependency where we rely on each other in unhealthy and destructive ways. We can, however, acknowledge that our planet is well served if we bet on our mutual best interest. 

...Let us intentionally engage in our commonalities and our differences. The truth is that we as a human race are inseparable, so instead of attempting futile independence, why not ask ourselves what difference we can make in each other’s lives.

This day of interdependence would be cause for true celebration when we demonstrate to each other in our words and deeds, “I honor the greatness in you.” 


These are snippets of a column we all should read.  In his own words, Brennan sings out, like the great song - we are, as Americans, called to love "mercy more than life."  Not easy to do, but being truly free was never simple. 

Brennan Barnard trumps Ayn Rand.  May every member of our Executive, Judicial & Legislative branches - especially Senators Paul & Johnson & Cruz, Justice Thomas, presidential candidate Johnson, Speaker Ryan - , receive a hard copy of the piece so they can join me in proclaiming, "Happy Interdependence Day - today & all that follow!"

 

Opportunity, perspective & growing older

An unexpected gift of growing older - edging upward through my 60s - has been what can happen when unforeseeable situations that would have once become high drama team with fresh perspectives to present an opportunity for glorious, soul-satisfying  "do-overs." 

Exactly a year ago this morning, I was gifted to respond in a different way to an ancient trigger that had - until that moment - always elicited a snappish response, swiftly embroiling the players into family melodrama. 

Last year's life-healing situation came within hours of Mim's passing.  Even as it happened, I saw her loving hand in the amazing moment, opening a situation that wasn't possible for her in life. I saw it as opportunity - embraced it - moved past it, forward to better.

Today, the first anniversary of Mim slipping from us, a surprisingly similar unexpected opportunity suddenly presented itself, providing the opportunity to once again see something, experience it without hurt or recrimination, calm address it, move past it to better.

John & I had planned on visiting Peter this afternoon.  As hard as Mim's death hit me, Peter was devastated.  I stepped up to the sister plate as never before.  On this day of days, we planned to visit him & he asked if we could hoof him over to the nearby Walmart to get photos scanned & printed.  No problem.

Then, a grannie client's family called with a dilemma.  One of her sons had to cancel his dinner plans.  Could we take her out, to dinner or at least dessert? Knowing there was no way we could do both, I called Peter to reschedule.   

I explained the situation.  He said a client had to come first.  Well, what he actually was, "If what you say is true, your client has to come first."

Did he really say that?  "If what you say is true..."  It sounded in sync with the sort of snarky - make that inexplicably mean -  thing I heard throughout my life.  Praise be, at 64, I could could hear & process it without freaking out. 

While 10% of me couldn't quite fathom that he's said what I'd heard, the rest knew - Yeah, he'd said that.  I didn't bristle, didn't even feel a twinge of hurt.  I stayed grounded reviewing the call with the son, his request, my changing our plans.  

The best thing wasn't that I didn't flip as would have been the norm even ten years ago.  It was how Peter came back with the exact same grounded tone/attitude, apologized for his comment, then continued the conversation.  Together, we untriggered an ancient trigger!  What would have gone kablooey was noticed addressed resolved without a scene worthy of John Barrymore & Sarah Bernhardt. 

There are many amazing things about growing older.  As I learned for the first time a year ago - TODAY! - and was reinforced this afternoon, new opportunities to experience old troubled dynamics can come up at the most unexpected times. Having the longer view that can be the result of having many years tucked under your belt can provide a different, less fiercely invested, more balanced perspective, providing the smidgen of space objectivity detachment essential for TRANSFORMING the "way it's always been" into a better choice decision action.

Ain't life grand!?!   

DISRUPT AGING falls into a pitfall of privilege

It was about a month or so ago that I first came across Jo Ann Jenkins' recently-published, already best selling book, Disrupt Aging.  At the time, it struck me as somewhat...  disingenuous, although I coundn't pinpoint why.  In reconnecting with it last night, what bugged me finally clicked - the tone & topics strike me as being rooted in unconscious privilege.  It targets the wealthy & well-off. 

Just consider some of the key sections:

• Taking Control of Your Health
• Choosing Where You Live
• Making Your Money Last
• Putting Your Experience to Work

What if, through no fault of your own, you are in poor health?  Lost your nest egg back in '08, weren't able to rebuild let alone recoup your vanished life savings? Can't afford to chose between living independently in your own home or moving into a pleasant assisted living facility?  Lost your job due to downsizing & considered unemployable because you're over forty?

It seems to me that the best sort of book about how to counter our country's toxic culture around aging would look at what EVERYONE can glean from a more wholehearted approach to aging, whatever our economic demographic, health or bank account.  

Money in the bank, a clean bill of health from our doctor, great digs & satisfying work do not necessarily combine to make for a rich eldering.  

Small wonder Jo Ann Jenkins' book is doing so well - she's wildly well connected (former Library of Congress COO, currently CEO of AARP) & she shares stories that people want long yearn to hear in a book that sounds the alarm yet soothes with assurances that all will be well.  Many of the things it addresses ring true because we've heard them before, already give us comfort.  
 
We Americans like to think of ourselves as can-do folks with a good grip on reality.  Jo Ann Jenkins' book appeals to both those qualities.  It markets well, but does it motivate any of us - including the wealthy & well-off - to become more fully connected with the actual USE of aging upward into our 70s, 80s, beyond?  It doesn't feel like it.

There are some super good books out there on wholehearted aging across the years.  Names that come to mind include  - but are far from limited to - Reb Zalman, Bill Thomas, Joan Chittister.   Where they offer up meaty alternatives & solutions, Jo Ann Jenkins strikes me as delivering mostly sizzle. 

Jo Ann Jenkins offers an amazing life journey, stellar accomplishments, has set AARP on its ear with its Life Reimagined & no doubt will do much to help all ages gain a new perspective on all aspects & levels of aging.  But while this book might help a certain up-market demographic gain a new perspective on growing older, Ms. Jenkins is far from a modern-day equivalent of Thomas Paine, rallying the troops against the tyranny of today's youth-centric world.

That's the person I'm hoping looking praying will show up!  

What dorks these mortals be!

 

For several days, have been pondering how often people seem to think that the best way to stave off the challenges of older age is to extend middle age as long as possible.  The media  seems abuzz in the next proposed end run around growing older.  That qualifies as some of the dorkiest thinking EVER, worthy of a booming, "D'oh!" 

This new aha came when checking out Jo Ann Jenkins recently published book, Disrupt Aging, which I had the good sense not to buy.  Its vaunted goal of disrupting aging by extending middle age - considered by experts to be the most miserable period of our life - seems flat-out foolish to me.  

Sadly, there are a lot of people who will take the book to heart.  Hey, it's a best seller, so it must be great!  And, look - it promises to show how we can take control of our health, choose where we live, make our money last & put our life experience to work.  

Yes, it speaks to our deepest desires, soothes our greatest fears.  It's made to be a blockbuster.  But is it wise?  Does it help us inch ever upward in age, or does it offer ways to hold off the old?  Does it play off our fears & desires without something truly substantial?

How I'd dearly love to direct Ms. Jenkins to what my dear old mater had to say about growing older, particularly about middle age:

When I was a young whippersnapper of 50 and 60, I did not think much about  what life would be like if I lived to be a ripe old age.  If I had, it would  have fallen short of the mark, nowhere near what my experience has been,  especially as I tripped the "old"ometer into my nineties.

A favorite saying of mine for many moons is "Old age ain't for sissies."   Actually, managing to get to 90 relatively sound of heart, mind and body (or  any one or more of those three) indicates some grit.  As I inch closer toward  triple digits, being old has gotten a lot easier.  Somewhere around my late  80s, I began to see the humor and humanity more in things, to take upsets  less personally and put them more easily into perspective.

Looking back, the toughest years were when my energies were beginning to flag  and my body started slowing down.  The proprium - sense of self -  feels  threatened  as it becomes clear that an individual is far more than just the  sum of physical parts. To get to the light, we have to work through the  darkness.  Moving out of that hanging-on state to one of accepting that the  body is a temporary shelter designed to house our eternal soul could be  compared to moving out of darkness and confusion toward lightness and the  light.  Ideally, the concepts of physical being, of time and relationships,  are liberated as we get older and older....

Just as little children look at their parents as really old, not-so-young  people can see their own parents as shutting down as we age, going into some  sort of benign hibernation  It is true that nature brings us, willingly or not, into more meditative states and slower tempos.  Am I bored to tears  sitting in the big chair in the living room or in my soothing rocking chair?   No, it is surprisingly rewarding.  The problem is that young kids – looking  through the eyes of a still preening self - feel sad and think, "How dull her  life must be."  Too many Ancient and near-Ancient Ones fall for that line.  Truth be told, growth keeps right on going, ideally right out of the ceilings  of our cramped opinion. This old biddy believes that the Lord intends us to live fully - whatever our physical or mental condition - right up to the  moment we traipse across the threshold of our spiritual home.

For whatever reason, growing feeble, infirm and even forgetful is part of the  Lord's grand scheme.  As I  edge closer toward triple digits, it is easier to  let go of time-bound prejudices and expectations. 

Sorry, this book is far from the "generational call to action we’ve been waiting for."  (AARP press release)   As for being a best seller - d'oh!  Ms. Jenkins is the CEO of AARP!  And she's a mere 58.  When she writes about the glories of our "new extended middle age" she reveals that she's caught in "a still preening self" that can't fathom the benefits of moving beyond the miseries of middle age, "right out of the ceilings of our cramped opinion."

Jo Ann Jenkins' book will be read by all the right book clubs, she'll make the rounds of all the talk shows, write all the guest columns for all the right publications, but all of it won't change one basic reality - anyone who thinks that extending middle age is anything but catastrophic thinking is worthy of a super loud, "D'oh!" & having a big D for Dork written with a Sharpee on her forehead!

 

Two opposing forces

The older I get, the more it dawns how connected being married is to my personal growth.  Among all the sweeting blessings being married to John has brought into my life, perhaps chief among them is what I learn about myself every day.  That, I believe, is the core reason for marriage - not procreation, not the establishment of clan community civilization.  To develop a deeper understanding of my own inner workings, which helps me relate more fully with the Spirit behind my creation.  Family & all the rest of it are tools for achieving a higher state of awareness & connection to The Great Whatever, props for helping us fulfil our life's role to the fullest extent possible.

The older I get, it gets easier for me to see that the things that cause the greatest problems between John & myself are rooted in HOW we each respond to problems situations scenarios.  For me, everything happens as a lesson.  Even the toughest moment, most heart-ripping event has within it something to be learned. 

The older I get, the more flashes of exasperation are muted by memory of similar past situations that ended badly;  softened from hard, even harsh, reactions into something more pliable. 

The more I can remember similar previous moments that did not go well, step back a teensy bit from the current consuming action to look at the bigger picture. 

The more I can remember that hair tingling on the back of my neck, muscles tensing between my shoulder blades, suddenly shallow breathing are indicators that I'm edging toward unhinged.  And, sensing feeling knowing that, can choose a different path.

Is it because John & I have been married almost 27 years that I seem better able to step back from the abyss of distraction & destruction to see a potential bigger picture?  Is it due to my age?  A combo of the two, plus other factors?  No idea.  But am stunned at how less apt I am to give into the bedlam of blame & even self-recrimination, how more readily I am open to seeing things in a different light, from a different angle. 

One of the greatest aha moments of the past couple weeks, couple days, is realizing just how profoundly John & I process things differently.  It would be lovely to think that things will change, but - practically speaking - it's pretty hard to see how that's possible.  There are reasons for why John processes as he does, as real & unknowable as my own.  His way of processing is the opposite of mine.  Just as his can drive me batty, mine can drive him - and a lot of other folks - around the bend.  (I'll never forget my oldest brother getting utterly exasperated with me, exclaiming, "You always need a 40 page discertation for something!") 

The older I get, the more I see how two opposing forces can - with awareness knowledge skill - be used together in wondrous ways, achieving amazing feats impossible with things traveling the same trajectory at the same speed in the same manner.  They can team up to produce the astonishing.  In letting our currently opposing forces be what they are, without judgement, accepting & working with them as is rather than as we think they should be, they can interact react spark new possibility, entwine into new patterns, possibly even new processes!