Ageism v. Compassion (with thanks to Sarah Kagan)
Dr. Kagan says it all
- while the media ballyhoos the promise of greater & greater
longevity, it also promotes ageism, aka discriminating against people based on
their age. We are promised longer & longer life, while our culture
continues to glorify youth & demonize aging. Sad. but all too true - "Ageism suggests we fear that state of being for which we
hope."
The
other day, the soon-to-be-departing interim director at a local senior care
community challenged the residents to do just that - to consider the strengths
& advantages of aging, including (especially?) significant old age.
He suggested they each draw up a list of goals they wanted to achieve over the
next five years. One of them said, "Survive." Sadly,
most of the others nodded their heads in agreement.
The
reality is that a cultural bias against not just the aged but aging has gone
into hyper-drive over the past generation. Whether it's tagged the
Information Age, the Computer Age or the Digital Age, it has no place for the
concept of taking years to master life or an area of expertise. Today,
the skill most highly valued by many in the most sought-after professions is
the ability to forget what you've learned & relearn new information all
again, over & over. Mastery is an archaic concept, supplanted by wipe
your memory bank clean & start fresh.
What's
been lost is a spiritual sense of living, a sense of higher purpose. For
thousands & thousands of years, it took all of our energy to just stay
alive. About 5,000
years ago, civilizations that looked past just mere survival started to
develop. Humans had the wealth & the time to seek lives of
purpose. Where earlier mankind sought to survive, over the
millennia we progressively looked to the importance of leaving a lasting,
valuable legacy. Productivity was important in the first part of our
lives, but the latter part typically looked to the future, to the heritage left
behind.
As
technology
started its ascent, traditional spirituality faced an increasing
decline.
Not long ago, it was commonly believed that our younger years - up to
retirement age - are the
gathering portion of our life, while the latter (once termed our "golden
years") are for giving back through purpose, living out legacy, helping
youngers see meaning in life, even an opportunity for younger family
members to
experience the challenges & rewards of providing support. There was
a sense of interconnection, of looking back & forward at the same
time.
One of the things missing more & more in our culture regarding the aged & elderly is a sense of
caring, of compassion. In
place of compassion, our success has bred self-loathing as we increasingly find ourselves victims of the lofty goal we sought. Having achieved a longer
life span, our culture debases aging & the elderly.
For
some reason, my contemporaries think this will all change by the time we reach
our late 80s, 90s, pass 100. Not me. Where is the incentive to flip
our culture's bias against those who are 50+? I don't see it. I do
see science letting us survive longer & longer, but live better &
better? That eludes me.
Sarah
Kagan uses a term that particularly hits home with me - in the self-centeredness of ageism, we
are stuck in the moment. We
are encouraged to put blinders on, to turn a blind eye to the many ways ageism
rejects the premise that what we can do is, by nature, a birth-to-death process
to be embraced, not demeaned.
In my experience, the
people who most readily buy into the myth that "gray, wrinkled & stooped equals debilitated and
incapable" are the elderly
themselves. Too many don't see themselves as worthy of compassion.
Which is a tragedy.
What we believe is what we live. My mother - in part
because of her nature, in part because others made is possible for her to live
as full a life as possible at every step along the way - believed that her
spiritual purpose in life was to live it as fully as possible, whatever that
might look like at any given time.
I'll let Mom describe
it - " Lots of things I loved to do are just memories.
Instead of gearing up into depression over what is no longer, I find it
simpler to shift perspective. Picture going to a favorite restaurant and
ordering a favorite dish, only to told it is no longer on the
menu. There are two choices - get in a funk over what is not available
or grab the opportunity to check over the menu for something new. My
personal menu of possibilities seems like one of the oversized diner
menus. There are many things that my physical condition keep me
from doing, but there are a lot of new experiences just waiting to be
given a whirl. On the physical level, life stinks. On almost every
other level - emotional, mental, spiritual - the world is my oyster
and every month has an R!"
Sometimes, oldsters & the elderly need support in
looking past the myths around aging, need a boost past ageism. As I move
into my middle 60s, am reminded of what Mom said, that life can seem dark &
scary when we are old young & young old, "as we move out of the familiar
into the unknown." But believe life progresses with
purpose. "Work through it, toward the light."
Every day, I am aware of being blessed to work with grannie
clients who are like my Mom, who don't buy into the negative stereotypes that
limit so many others.
One in particular stands out. In her 90s, facing
serious memory challenges that could leave a less emotionally hardy person
throwing in the towel, she continues to change how folks younger than her -
even "kids" in their 70s - view what's down the road. She once
bought into the myths about aging, stung by the poison of ageism, but - in part
because of her nature & in part her family & others take steps to help
smooth the way - she no longer accepts the inevitability of total decline &
decay. Wherever she goes, her upbeat nature & love of life frees all
who experience her to believe in a better story for themselves & their
loved ones. She helps them see that what was feared as inevitable is instead
a choice. And when it comes to accepting the myths around aging, she's
chosen NO.
How can we promote a healthy view of aging? It would
help if more of us youngers had regular contact with the aged &
elderly. Yesterday, at dinner with a grannie client, I noticed a fellow
around my age having dinner with a considerably older man. Hmmm.... What
if we youngers started an organization like Big Brothers & Sisters, only
connect with an older person or couple? Take them out to dinner or make
dinner for them, go out on drives or walks. Not just shopping, but FUN
things that help draw them out. Let them know that we're doing it as much
for our pleasure & enjoyment as for theirs, that we LIKE being around older
people, that we gain as much from being with them as they do from being with
us. And mean it! That's one way to help bust apart onerous myths of
aging. Keep looking for ways to show the lie - each helps prick a hole in
the hot air of limitation.
In benefiting others to brush away crippling myths that
demonize aging & the elderly, we benefit our present & future
selves. In showing compassion for the aged & elderly, as we let go of
time-bound prejudices & fears of growing older, we shake ourselves out of
the paralyzing moment, out of the self-centeredness of ageism. In showing
compassion, we help ourselves & others reconnect more strongly to the
spiritual in our life, a spirit of love & caring & belief in a higher
calling.
That is not to say we won't grow forgetful, feeble, even
infirm. It's possible that technological advances might have me living
past 100. If that is so, I mean to make every day matter, no matter what
my condition, spiritually armed with an unwavering deeper belief in a greater
purpose, one I can serve to the best of my ability, whatever my condition, even
if all that means is showing others how to die as well as possible.
Ghoulish thought? Nope - GLORIOUS!.
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