mirror, mirror...

The other day, a grannie client & I enjoyed lunch at Scoogi's, a favorite spot in Flourtown.  

As soon as we walk through the doors, the hostess at the end of the hall breaks into a big beaming smile,  It seems to always delight people, seeing a significantly older woman - she's 93 - out & about, having a grand time, with a good appetite for food & life.

As we enter the main dining room, we spot an older man on the right, exchanging big smiles & happy greetings.  We only know each other from the occasional Monday lunch, but it feels like we're all friends.  We've seen him with friends, with children, with grandchildren, always at the same table, always having a fine time.  He's seen us grinning at him like the two happy women we are, delighting in someone enjoying friends & family.

The staff doesn't bother giving us menus.  My grannie client is a lock - the cajun blue burger (without the spices), medium, no pickles.  I'm the question mark - meatless lasagne or eggplant parmigiana?  And dessert?  Always a dish of chocolate & vanilla ice creams with a little chocolate sauce & a little whipped cream for my g.c., a cappuccino for moi.  

On this Monday, the parking lot & dining room was filled.  One table in particular caught my eye - the LARGE round table in front of the fire place was encircled with eight or nine women, all dressed in holiday finery, all sporting smiles as big as Texas.  What joy to be so near them.  I pegged them as in their upper 70s.  Spot on!  They'd been been gathering at each other's birthdays & Christmas since their 1956 high school graduation!  

Small wonder I was so intrigued by just watching them interact.  To me, they were a group of older women having a grand time.  But to each other... Ah, none of them saw the same thing that I did.  They looked across the table & saw a young woman in the prime of her life.  They mirrored for each other all the low notes of life, which they helped each other move through, and all the HIGH, the ones they held onto even more tenderly in their hearts.  To the rest of the room, the looked like grandmas, even great-grandmas, but to each other...   To each other, they were priceless mirror that instantly transported them to long past years.

I get to see that same dynamic every Tuesday night, when I take the same grannie client from her upscale senior residence with all its wonderful programs & facilities to our hometown's considerably more modest village.  While it doesn't offer craft clubs or an indoor swimming pool, discussion groups of all types or fully equipped exercise or computer rooms, it offers something even more valuable - lifelong friends.  The other day, my g.c. sat at a table made up almost exclusively of classmates & schoolmates.  Oh, the verve & vigor of the laughter that rang from that table, where the youngest is just about to hit the big 9-0.  Whenever we leave from a Tuesday night dinner, it's a sure thing my grannie client will have a more sprightly spring to her step & a smile as big as Texas on her face.

Friends from our youth - for me, they'd include Hannah & Marcia, Billy & Clark - are mirrors that reflect back to our older selves those younger days & younger selves.  There are a lot of advantages for oldsters to move to a fine facility like the one where my grannie client lives, but there are no mirrors there to her younger self.  She is blessed to be able to see her friends once a week, to reflect back to them those carefree days of youth & all the moments between then & now.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest?  Friends of long ago help us see ourselves at our fairest!  Blessings on them, whether they are mine, a grannie client's, or a circle of classmates circled around a table at Scoogi's, creating another memory to treasure in their hearts.

Legacy gifts

Confession - it is like pulling teeth to get my older friends to consider giving family legacy gifts! Not that I am surprised.  It was only through being part of online discussion groups that woke my own mother up to the value & importance of the legacy only she could give & leave.  

It's hard to get an older person to realize the treasures only they can give their families in way of moments & people long past, to realize they have it in their power to give their children & grandchildren a deeper sense of themselves, their roots.  

 

This year, I approached several older friends with the request that they let me help with their Christmas gift giving.  Not replace what they're doing, to do a little something extra, a way to share past moments, serious or silly.  
 

                                                             

No one wanted to do it.  Too much work, too much bother, too much investment of energies when they doubted the kids would care anyway.

 

Harummph!  Instead of getting discouraged, am redoubling my efforts to write a book of intergenerational activities for families, ones that will - simply in the doing of them - build legacies.  

No where is this more essential than in family photos & especially now.  Back in my parents' day, many priceless photos of long-ago family & friends turned from treasure to trash due to the lack of descriptions of who what where & when.  Now, countless are never even PRINTED - they're on phones or tablets or computer files.  But rarely printed.  

Legacy gifts - how I wish Mom had written out memories of Christmas holidays spent with her Down Under family.  I look at my great niece & wish that she could hear her Nan's voice through stories about wonderful Christmases spent with her mother when she was just a wee baby, toddler, child.  Many stories were jotted down, but precious few of those priceless times spent celebrating an Australian Christmas.  I want to keep those lost opportunities from slipping away from others.  Too many others, too many moments.

My hope for the rest of my own days is to embody the three legs of a sturdy stool, each supporting olders in becoming the elders we're all meant to be:
Honoring - helping youngers find ways to honor their older friends & family, helping oldsters honor themselves.
Empowering - helping oldsters remain engaged & energized to the fullest possible extent, whatever their age or physical condition.
Legacy building - helping individuals, families, circles of loved ones leave a legacy to help light the path of present & future generations.

   

Christmas is an ideal time to think about legacy gifts.  Looking for more inspired ways to inspire the oldsters I know to give a gift that truly will keep on giving through the years to come.  Not easy, but so utterly worth it!

Aussie Chrismases Past

Between age 65 & 85, Mom spent six or seven Christmases Down Under, with my brother Mike's family.  She didn't bat an eye at the impossible-to-go-any-further trek to the far side of the planet.  Loved ones awaited.

How I wish Mom had written more about those treasured visits.  My impression was that she was a fuller version of herself down there than she'd been up here since Dad died.  Small wonder - she was living in a 2-generation home, in the heart of a community she loved, surrounded by friends who adored her & vice versa.  She loved Australia, forever cherished so many moments of those wonderful visits.

Christmas was especially dear to her heart.  She'd take small gifties with her, but the greatest gift she gave & received was love.  My favorite decorations are the cards & tags we received over the years showing Australian Christmas scenes.  One year, our tree was completely decorated in them! And Mom & I always took delight in listening to Six White Boomers (which we first heard on Philadelphia's CLASSICAL music station!).    She'd get a distant look in her eye, her entire body one big smile.

 

I tried my best to get her to open up about those special days, but it was a challenge.  Never sure why, perhaps because I didn't know the words that would trigger the priceless memories.  It's enough to know how much they meant to her, how much she was appreciated & cocooned with love.  

 

Christmas always takes my heart down to Australia.  Now, because it's where my fabulous nieces both live (one American, the other Aussie through & through) with their families.  Always, because of the ties Mom made for all of us with Christmas ribbons of love & friendship.  

Mom's favorite story about her Down Under Christmases was of my nephew digging into a big slice of cold watermelon, looking up with an expression of utter contentment as he announced, "THIS is comfort & joy!"

 

Mom - good on ya mate for being such an awesome example of an older person traveling the world even as you tipped the "old-o-meter" (her term) into your mid-80s ~and~ for making thoughts of Australia a forever part of my holidays! 

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Missing Kurt

It took to this morning for it to dawn how deeply Kurt Simon is missed at Rydal Park.  When a grannie client walks back to her apartment after an evening out, the hallway between the 1st floor main lobby & back foyer is empty, not a soul in sight to greet her, to share a lively conversation.

How different it was, several months ago, when it was rare to walk that same long hallway without spotting a group of three of four residents sitting together, laughing & talking about this or that interesting topic.  With Kurt in the middle. 

Kurt did so much more than simply loathe banalities;  he instigated fresh engaging insightful conversation.   He was a conversation ring master.  People who typically focused on aches & pains & problems with the dining service blossomed with Kurt, who drew out their deeper interests & wealth of knowledge.  He orchestrated discussions that engaged & enriched.  A rare gift, greatly missed.

We knew Kurt's passing would leave a big hole in a grannie client's circle of friends.  What never dawned on us it would leave empty halls as well.  

One death changed everything in ways we never imagined.  Cavernous hallways as well as aching hearts.

Most important communications tip!

Don't wait for a situation that requires sensitive, potentially difficult information with someone, especially someone dear to your heart.  Invest in or borrow at least two books - There's Something I Have to Tell You, by Charles Foster, and The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman - right now!  Think of it as home owners insurance - an essential investment you hope you never need to use, but you're ready in case.

Both were responsible for quantum leaps forward in how I communicated with my siblings.  Our family is pretty much the norm - maybe a bit more funky, but way less than I once thought.  We are separated by a large cap in years - am 8, 10 & 14 years younger than my surviving brothers & sister - and by communication styles (two primary sibs are non-verbal, I'm off-the-charts verbal).  We're even in different generations - they graduated before Kennedy was assassinated;  I graduated after the Summer of Love.  Kick in the fact that I was four years when Ian died & they were all older than him, and you get an inkling of why we have our share of communication problems.   

It felt like our obstacles were insurmountable - until a friend introduced me to Gary Chapman's The Five Languages of Love, read a couple years after devouring Dr. Foster's perspective-changing book.  As insightful & helpful as Dr. Foster's book is, it took pairing the two to make significant changes in the ways I was trying to reach out & partner with my sibs to reestablish some connection.

The communications problems besetting myself & my sibs seem universal, perhaps especially right here in the USA.  Children with the best motives & only love in their heart seem unable to get through to parents & vice versa.  Partners feel like they are talking to a brick wall instead of their beloved.  Younger people can't seem to connect with older loved ones & friends.  

It's not enough to just realize our differences, but to communicate with others by using THEIR love language, rather than your own.      

This was a major challenge with my sister & oldest brother.  My sister seems to feel connected through gifts, my brother through words of affirmation, while I am acts of service.  The two of them seem most at ease when they seem (to me) closed, when there is a minimum - if any - contact.  To be honest, was pretty down in the dumps at first reading about the five love languages - how could I communicate a love language that's totally non verbal?  Gail assured me that if I understood the differences & remained open to hope, a way would show itself.

And it did!  Do I have a close & cozy relationship with my sibs?  Not with my brothers, but I gave it my best shot.  Happy to say my sister & I have partnered to develop a relationship based on what works for us.  Which is via mail, sticking to loving looks backward, no present-day stuff.  What I would have missed if I'd stubbornly insisted that my mode of expressing & experiencing love is the one & only way!

NOW, before an emotional tsunami is on the horizon, buy or borrow The Five Love Languages and There's Something I Have to Tell You.  If you're married & your spouse is amenable, have him or her read it, too.  Or fin someone to read it, too - helped a lot having Gail to talk to about love languages & another friend I dragooned into reading Dr. Foster's tome.  Mom & I read Dr. Foster's book together & discussed over cuppas & cookies;  how wonderful it would have been to do the same with Gary Chapman's. 

Share here your insights or any books, articles, videos that have been of help to you in honing refining polishing your own inter-personal communication styles.  
 

Put our heart into it

There are days when my personal plans get moved to the back burner because of a need arising with a grannie client.   When that happens, it typically doesn't feel like a major sacrifice, just the right thing to do.  It feels good.  

Take yesterday.  When I arrived after lunch to do something with an older friend, was greeted with, "It's my birthday & NO ONE has said 'Happy Birthday!' to me!"  
Praise be, her family had prepped me with the birthday plans, that included a family lunch at a favorite restaurant - on Saturday, when they could make it.   

That did NOT hit home with my client.  What about THE DAY??

A light bulb went off in my head.  If you'd asked this same woman the day before if it mattered to her whether her birthday was celebrated on the actual Day of Days or delayed a little bit, she would have brushed off needing to do anything on the actual day.  That's what so many oldsters do every day - try to create as little
for their children & others as possible.  Heck, it's what I would have years ago!  

I'd tell John that it was no big deal to make a fuss over Christmas or my birthday or an anniversary, especially if he was knee-deep in an art commission.   Then, when the day dawned, my heart knew it was The Day, yet there was no celebration.  And I would feel UN.  UNcelebrated, UNacknowledged, even UNloved.  Totally irrational.  I was the one who'd told my beloved "No worries, I'm fine!"  

 

There would be poor John, broadsided again by my sense of abandonment on a day that I'd totally assured him had been fine to delay.

Dear readers, you can be assured that two or three years (yes, it took a while for it to fully register) of this foolishness & I finally got to the point of actually knowing what I really wanted before spouting off.  We have an agreement that I will actually KNOW what I really want before making any pronouncements.  That was a big step forward for me.  It wasn't easy, took a lot of soul-searching, personal inventories & brave steps into the unknown.  

Not a lot of olders are up to that. (  Mom was a rarity. )   That leaves it to youngers to take assurances of "I'm fine.  Just fine." with a hefty grain of salt.

Am reminded of a lesson learned from my mother, many decades ago. Good friends of my parents lost a child in a particularly foolish & devastating drowning.  When Mom dropped by their home, friends were gathered on the street, on the front lawn, hanging back from knocking on the door, afraid of intruding on deep grief.  Mom, who had lost an 11-year old to a particularly foolish & devastating shooting, strode right up & banged the door knocker.  The mother, her dear friend, opened the door, looked straight into Mom's eyes & almost collapsed with sadness & relief - "Where has everyone been?"  The friends thronged in.

Years before, with another friend, Mom had learned it's better to be somewhere you aren't needed than to hold back & not be somewhere that you are.  That's my advice to anyone with older, especially significantly older, loved ones & friends.  Even if they push tosh needing anyone to do anything on a special day, do something - send a card, drop by a special nibbling, give a present.  They might not care, but they will have visible proof that you do. 

My older friend & dear client had ASSURED her family that postponing any celebration until the more practical Saturday was fine, just fine - but THIS is how she felt on the Day of Days...

 

THIS is how she wanted to feel throughout yesterday...

Here's what I've learned over the years about others & birthdays:

• It's the rare person who doesn't remember that a specific date is his or her birthday.
• It is the rare person, woman or man, who doesn't have some great memories of birthdays past.  
• If it's your birthday & you acted as described, brushing off plans for celebrating only to regret, cut yourself a break - it's hard for a lot of us to know how we feel, let alone do the scary thing of sharing it!  A lot tougher than it sounds.  Realize this, then resolve to do better!
• You never know how someone really feels about getting something as basic as a card. He or she might seem like they totally don't care, but then keep looking at, touching, setting aside in a safe place even the smallest birthday greeting.
• If you know it's someone's birthday, close friend or pleasant acquaintance or practically a stranger, give them a birthday shout out when you go past.  They might seem abashed & even squirm, but even the greatest curmudgeon can be touched in the heart at being recognized.
• Send your parents - and children! - birthday cards that arrive before or on the Day of Days.  Later really doesn't have the same oomph.
• Put your heart into it.  That is what matters.  When that heartbroken friend of my parents opened the door, she didn't see Mom - she saw a loving, similarly broken heart.  

Cards, gifts, greetings - their value is from someone having put their heart into it.  Yes, others can state over & over that a birthday is no big deal.  Just remember my dear old Mother's advice ~ better to do something that's not appreciated than to hold back & not do something that makes someone feel bigger happier visible.  Even if you can't stand being in the same room with them or vice versa, the fact that you took the time, the energy, the caring to do something is what matters.

Don't jump the gun - communications tip

To this day, I have NO idea why I called a friend of a friend when I had to undertake a sensitive conversation with a sibling.  For some reason, I connected that a really savvy negotiator - which he was - might have some good tips.

He shared two incredible tips that helped make the conversation stay focused & produce the effect I sought.  The first was - Never tell what you want to talk about.  Let the person know you have something important you want to discuss, set up a get-together, but do not - EVER - disclose what it is about.  Do not even hint, not so much as the faintest suggestion.  Your whole purpose is compromised when you do.

And others WILL try to get you to give at least an inkling.  That's human nature.  They will generally do whatever they can to get us to jump the gun.  Don't.  Be willing to walk away with no discussion rather than buckle.  Just keep saying, "If I wanted to talk about it on the phone, I'd have brought it up right now.  I want to talk about it with you in person."  

You might sound like a broken record, but stay on target, know your boundaries, and stick to them.  You are NOT being a "hard ass" - you are being one smart cookie who cares more about the value of what you need to share than the short-term release you get caving in.


Previous related tips:
Why post communication tips?

Bearing Witness

NOT at a party, nor at a "relaxed family gathering"

Set aside a designated time