Who am I not to?

In 1994, Nelson Mandela introduced the world to Marianne Williamson's observation of personal power ~  “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."  It gained an even broader, younger audience when it was used in the 2006 film, Akeela & the Bee.  

The full quote, from Return to Love: Reflections on A Course in Miracles, is even more powerful ~

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?  *  You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of god that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.’

While the condensed quote carries great power, it is the last line of the full quote that brings to mind so many of friends who embodied that liberation from fear ~  "When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others." 

I think about Dad, felled just shy of 62 by brain cancer, about how he received the diagnosis with acceptance unsullied by resignation,  concerned for his O Best Beloved, but apparently not for himself.  He modeled a person liberated from fear of death.  

I think about Mom, who left us a long 28 years later, at 91.  When I think of her during that last hospitalization, am reminded of a passage from Elswyth Thane's, The Light Heart. A young woman, about to enter a loveless marriage arranged by social-climbing family, remembers a friend practically dancing to her new husband, so happy to be married to him.  That image left a deep imprint on my heart.  It embodies Mom over those six weeks between her tumble & her departure from us.  She practically danced her way into death, utterly liberated from any fear of what had come before or what lay ahead.

I think about Morna Hyatt and of Mace Adams, great examples of  "ancients" who let their light shine, even as their earthly life force dimmed; who never let their true self be held prisoner within a frail earthly body;  who  transcended their failing physical forms; who freed their minds to shine forth, brilliant & fabulous.   

Perhaps the best way any of us can guarantee having a similarly liberated end of life - whether we are taken before "our time," as Dad was, or live to a ripe old age, like Mom - is to live every moment of our life with grace & gratitude, with assurance that we are fully adequate to each moment, however challenging it might be.  

When we live an empowered life, when we help those around us see their brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous selves, life will be good & feel great.  The best way to say goodbye to the here & now is to feel the glory of the divine within us.  

The Old Testament says that God created humans in His image, male & female together, and called them Adam, or mankind.  We are - men & women - images of God, which is as BIG as it gets. When we have done our best to live a life that expresses the glory of god that lives within each of us, death will be a natural transition, not a thing to be feared. 

I think of Ann Barnitz Rose, who died so young.  Yes, family & friends surrounded her as parting grew nearer, but she had held them close to her throughout her life.  Her dying reflected her total life - filled with love for her husband, her children, her family & friends, even for pleasant acquaintances, like myself.  She embodied a life writ large, expressing & shimmering in the glory of God.

Lots of people assume my main interest is in working with older people, in helping them experience engaged, energized, empowered lives.  That is part of my deepest purpose.  Equally important is doing all I can to help people of all ages embrace the simple truth that we - each & everyone of us, whatever our age - are called to live with our end in mind.  

It is tempting for people to think that the time for such high-minded living is later, when we are older, nearer that end.  But, in the words that moved the great Mandela, we are - each & everyone of us - "born to express the glory of god that lives in us.  It is not in some of us, it is in all of us."  From our first breath to our last.  Whatever our faith, we are called to strive mightily & do what great things we can - "small games do not work in this world."

My great wish for all my loved ones, pleasant acquaintances & flat-out strangers is that they let their true light shine.  My great wish for my young friends & middle aging contemporaries is that they express the glory of god in each here & now moment, without delay.  My great wish for my older friends is that they - like Mom & Dad, Morna & Mace - let their light shine, even as their earthly life force dims.

Who are they - we - I not to?

a sacred circle

If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a sacred circle of caring others to support our olders.

Sacred is not an overstatement.  Honoring our parents is one of the Ten Commandments. 

Honor is not the same as its often interpreted meaning - obey.  Just think of the traditional wedding vow - love, honor & obey.  Not the same.  You can obey someone without so much as a smidgen of honoring, but if you honor the person, you will naturally be obedient to their best interests.  

Where did I learn that?  It feels like a message received from the angels, part of the basic tool kit I was born with.  That is not to say it is easy  - not on family, on friends, on other support providers, and certainly not on the older person.  Not easy, but essential.

The more cherished faces are part of that sacred circle, the better ~ IF ~  they reflect back love & connection.  Some olders draw more enlivening energies from pleasant acquaintances than from family, if the pleasant acquaintances feel genuinely honored to be there, while the family is present due only to obligation.   

I think about the faces that greet grannie clients when they walk into a beloved bakery/cafe, a retro diner, a casual eaterie, or a fine "white cloth" restaurant.  The smiles, the hellos, the happiness at seeing older folks still getting out & about in spite of frailer-than-they'd-like bodies & memory challenges.  The genuinely warm greeting & friendly touch of someone dropping by with afternoon meds.  Those newer faces can be incredibly important - there is only affection & respect glowing, not a smidgen of ancient issues or cumbersome baggage. 

It is a difficult truth that family members often find it challenging to be actively present in an aging parent's or loved one's life.  Distance - physical or emotional - can make an active, hands-on role almost impossible.  A multitude of responsibilities can tug us in conflicting directions.  Those ancient issues & cumbersome baggage can, if not at least acknowledged, become hard-to-overcome obstacles.  

That's not a criticism of youngers & certainly not one of olders - it's human nature.  And it is why a sacred circle of tender support can make a incalculable difference.

When everyone joins together with the older, giving him or her a place of honor in the sacred circle, unexpected blessings can flow to one & all, as promised in the 5th commandment ~ Honor your father & your mother, and your life will be filled with abundance.

The richness of being elders

"The richness of being elders" - that's a wonderful phrase used by Wendy Lustbader in Life Gets Better, the unexpected pleasures of getting older.

The Gramster was blessed to have that very experience, as did - amazingly - most of her dearest friends.  Gay P., Margarie R., Emilie A., Cornelia S., Viola R., Gig C., Linda K., Connie R....  The list could go on with many more names of treasured friends & pleasant acquaintances who were honored by younger friends & family as priceless mentors & role models.

Growing up, my norm was of experiencing "ancients" (Mom's term, not mine) who were looked up to by children & grands, whose wisdom was sought & valued.

I grew up with older people who seemed to become clearer in their self-knowledge as the decades ticked past, who looked back at mistakes & gained valuable insights from their new perspective, whose ability to manage in at least some small way the many indignities inflicted by an aging body.  It seemed that instead of feeling diminished, they developed a stronger, deeper sense of confidence in who they were & what was important to them.  

When we live as I believe our core nature intends, with aging comes new inner freedoms, stemming from feeling less constrained by other people's judgments & expectations and understanding more what their most cherished values really are.  It is worth noting that Mom was in her upper 80s when she came to terms with not having a grounded sense of just who SHE was, just shy of her 90th birthday when she started sharing life story & personal insights via e-mail.  

From what I've read & even more from what I've seen - admittedly, in ideal circumstances, where the olders were still living in a home environment - the older they got, the more they were able to identify & releases what wasn't really them while embracing & even enhancing what was.  By the time Mom was reunited with her O Best Beloved, she truly felt the richness of being an elder.  And we were all enriched by it.

get to know KATHARINE DEXTER MCCORMICK

While researching the impact of the rise of technology on our nation's elder
care culture, I  came across an unfamiliar name, a person who had a major impact on the development of contraception - Katharine Dexter McCormick (1875-1967).  Without her remarkable blend of intellectual gifts, personal tragedy, and immense wealth, the oral contraceptive that is currently our nation's most common form of birth control might never have been developed.

When my mother was in her child-bearing years, she & Dad had access to two types of "mechanical" contraception - she could use a diaphragm or he could use a condom.  Neither was close to 100% effective, but they were more reliable than natural methods, like withdrawal or the rhythm method .  Wonderfully sensual woman that she was, Mom preferred the diaphragm, which she felt was less detrimental to her pleasure during intercourse than using a condom would have on Dad's.  According to Mom, all of their five children were carefully & lovingly planned.  A lot of couples weren't so lucky.  

Contraception 101 
The first mention of birth control that I am aware of is in the Bible, Genesis 38.  A truly wild story about sex & family, it includes a reference to a man "spilling his seed" (coitus interruptus), which so displeased God,  the man was struck dead.  

It's doubtful God was happy with Aristotle's theory that cedar oil, lead ointment or frankincense could be used as effective spermicides..  

The great ancient writer, Pliny, advised his fellow Romans that the best form of birth control was to refrain from sex, making him the first known advocate of abstinence, which has always been - for obvious reasons - the only 100% effective form of birth control.  

The mid-1800s were a hotbed of scientific advances.  In 1848, scientists had the great AH HA! realization that men do NOT create life & inject it into women, to act merely as an incubator.  They discovered that the male's sperm had to enter the female's egg.  Let that sink in - up until 166 years ago, scientists had no idea how a baby was created.  Gee - we have to wonder what we don't know now.  

By the post-Civil War years, American couples had their choice of a variety of birth control methods, including  condoms, spermicidal sponges & douching syringes, diaphragms & other cervical caps.  In addition to being available through pharmacies, they could be obtained through mail order catalogues, dry good stores, even rubber vendors. 

Enter Anthony Comstock. 
Born & bred in rural Connecticut, he made New York City home following his Civil War service.  He was shocked & appalled by the moral deprivation he encountered throughout the city.  He led raids against merchants selling erotic literature;  he made his name successfully seeking to suppress an account by Victoria Woodhull, a wpmen's rights activist, of an affair between preacher Henry Ward Beecher & one of his parishioners.  Comstock was off & running.  He used his growing stature to lobby for stronger obscenity laws, resulting in Congress passing 1873's Comstock Act 
An anti-obscenity law, the Comstock Act basically criminalized birth control, decreeing contraceptives to be obscene material &  banning their sale via the mails or interstate commerce.  People convicted of violating the Comstock Act could get up to five years in prison - at hard labor - and a fine up to $2000.     
Much as "stand your ground" laws swept through state legislatures in recent years, state after state passed "chastity" laws.  Twenty-four states followed the federal government's leading, further criminalizing the sale of contraceptives. 

Of all the states, Connecticut was the most restrictive, criminalizing the use of birth control by even married couples, who could be arrested & serve a one-year prison sentence. Although law enforcement agents typically looked the other way, such draconian anti-birth control laws remained on the books. 

It was not until 1971 (!) that Congress removed language concerning contraception from the Comstock Act. After 1973's Roe v. Wade decision, criminalized contraception applied only to “unlawful” abortions, although laws criminalizing transportation of information about abortion remain on the books & were expanded to include information on the internet.  The Comstock Act remains on the books to this day, providing invaluable support for the growing movement to curtail contraceptives.

FYI - the United States is still the only western nation to criminalize birth control.

Katharine Dexter McCormick

Enter a lady - in every sense of the word.  Katharine Dexter was on August 27, 1875, into a prominent Chicago family that could trace its roots back to the  the Mayflower. She had the remarkable advantage of a father who always encouraged his brilliant daughter to pursue an education. He died too early - of a heart attack,when she was only 14 - to see his daughter's academic success, the second woman to graduate from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, the first to receive a bachelor's degree in science (biology) from MIT. 

But for all her intellect & accomplishment, Katharine was will a woman of her
times.  Plans to attend medical school & become a doctor were shelved.  Instead, in the same year she graduated, Katharine married Stanley McCormick, an heir to the immense International Harvester Corporation.  She was now a member of one of the richest families in America, poised to be a devoted wife & mother.  

The Princeton grad (Class of 1895) seemed an excellent match for Katharine.  Tragically, any dreams she may have harbored of marriage & family were dashed within a few years, when Stanley was diagnosed with severe schizophrenia.  Originally admitted into McClean Hospital, his condition deteriorated so badly, he was moved to the family's estate in Montecito, California (where an older sister had lived before being put into a sanitarium) & declared legally incompetent.  His guardianship was split between his wife & his family.  

By 1909, Katharine found herself  "rich as Croesus," with even greater social prominence than before her marriage, and determined never to have children with Stanley (husbands still had rights), since it was believed that schizophrenia was hereditary.  She had her intellectual prowess, scientific training, social prominence, incredible wealth - all she needed was something to do with her time & energies.  


In lieu of raising a family, Katharine raised her eyes & committed her fortune to social change,  She fought to win women the vote & believed that a woman's right to control her own body was as essential as suffrage.  There were a lot of brilliant women in the fight for women's rights, but none with her powerhouse combination of a degree in biology, social position, incredible wealth, and an intense personal tragedy propelling her into the fray over women's reproductive rights.  Had he lived to the 1950s. Katharine Dexter McCormick would have been Anthony Comstock's worst nightmare. 

It was natural that during her suffragette days, Katharine would cross paths with Margaret Sanger. In Margaret Sanger, she found a cause worthy of her gifts & purpose.  Although she supported women's reproductive rights, it wasn't feasible for Katharine to openly do much, certainly not to provide substantial funding for highly controversial birth control research. Locked in a bitter battle with her husband's siblings over control of Stanley's wealth, the ever prudent Katharine focused her philanthropy on family-approved areas such as schizophrenia research.  It was one thing to use trips abroad to help smuggle diaphragms into the country for Sanger's clinics;  open support was out of the question. 
 
Then, everything changed in 1947.  Stanley died & Katharine received full control of his massive wealth.  In her early 70s, sharp & energized as ever, Katharine was long past her child-bearing years, but the issue of dependable birth control was as important to her as ever.  Now, she could put her fortune to use.  The obstacles were mind boggling - 30 states had laws on the books restricting the sale and use of contraceptives - but to the first woman to get a science degree from MIT, whose steely resolve had been forged in the fire of personal heartbreak & legal battles, the political will of state legislators was piddly compared to her iron will to make a difference, to help fund development of an oral contraceptive within her lifetime.


When Sanger told her about her vision of a pill as easy to take as an aspirin, Katharine was hooked. She placed great faith in biochemistry. Sanger knew how to wage social battles, but her friend was savvy to the ways of science.  Instead of spreading out donations & funding between various universities, at home & abroad, she wanted to find promising work & invest in that specific poject.  


As in so many other aspects of her life, Katharine did it her way.  In 1953, Sanger took her to meet a Massachusetts' scientist that the great activist thought could find a solution.  At the end of their first meeting, Katharine wrote out the first of many check to fund the work of fellow biologist, Gregory Pincus. 

After decades of having to keep her support of women's reproductive rights under wraps, Katharine was eager - and qualified! - to be in the thick of the research.  She moved east to actively monitor the development of the birth control pill, following every stage of the project.  

Spurred by her deep desire to have the pill a reality before she died, Katharine constantly urged the researchers to fast-track drug trials.  It seemed that everything in her life had prepared her for this work.  She was an unbottled force to be reckoned with.  Small wonder that Dr. Pincus' wife described Katharine, now in her 80s, as a warrior, who "carried herself like a ramrod. Little old woman she was not. She was a grenadier."

Katharine was 85 when The Pill came on the market, in 1960.  While the scientists & doctors who developed it were lauded or loathed for thei accomplishment, Katherine Dexter McCormick - whose devoted patronage made it possible - was basically unrecognized & soon totally forgotten. 

But Katharine didn't do it for fame.  She did it so women could have greater control over when they started & expanded their families, so they could have an intimate relationship with husbands without the fear of passing on something as dreaded & dire as schizophrenia.  

Katharine Dexter McCormick died on December 28, 1967, at the age of 92.  There was no obituary in the New York Times or other major papers.  I doubt she would have cared.  She lived long enough to see the efforts of Connecticut (still the most aggressive of all states to criminalize medical contraception) defeated in Griswold v. Connecticut.  

Born two years after the Comstock Act first criminalized contraceptive devices, Katharine lived long enough to see her dream of a safe, reliable, LEGAL medical contraceptive become reality.  

Personally, I don't support medical contraceptives.  With all their failings, I would limit contraceptives to ones that block fertilization.  I can see the unexpected fall out that being able to more effectively plan or totally avoid pregnancies has caused in our society, how it even has an impact on our elder care culture.  

All that being said, I stand in awe of Katharine Dexter McCormick.  When circumstances finally released her from passive support of women's reproductive rights, Katharine backed up her passions with funding.  While the federal government, medical institutions & pharmaceutical companies steered clear of anything having to do with contraceptive research, she poured dollars into developing The Pill.  In the absence of governmental backing & a dearth of big pharm development dollars, a single benefactor provided almost every single dollar necessary to develop the oral contraceptive. Our gal, Katharine Dexter McCormick. 

A big part of my admiration for this woman I never heard of until this morning is that our lives seem to parallel.  No, I am not socially prominent, immensely wealthy, intellectually gifted & academically accomplished.  But just as - in her early 70s - everything that came before contributed to what she could accomplish when the right moment came.  Her family situation kept her basically on the sidelines of women's reproductive issues & mine hobbled my own ability to strike out on my own.  But it was those very family situations that stoked the fires of our social change passions - hers for reproductive freedom, mine for a revitalized & empowering elder care culture.

Katharine Dexter McCormick - whether you applaud her invaluable contribution to securing women greater reproductive freedoms or loathe her for it, you have to admit she was the epitome of an elder making use of every moment & resource in her life, who seemed prepared from her earliest years for a once-unimaginable opportunity.  Well done - well done, indeed.

suffering from short-term memory

My generation & all those following seem to suffer from short-term memory.  Those of us 65 & younger don't remember a time when some sort of senior lifestyle community was being marketed as THE way for someone to end their golden years, where those who could afford it could Gramps or Grandma, Uncle Phil or Aunt Gladys to be safely tucked away.  How wonderful, we were told, for them to be able to lead independent lives of their own, even into their 90s.

Let's say that all of that is true.  Let's say that the majority of people who live in the sort of homes featured in the Del Webb (Sun City) web site are as happy & fulfilled in their active adult communities as they appear in the youtube testimonials.  Let's say that the majority of those who are no longer so active, who find themselves in a senior lifestyle residence that offers a wide range of continuing care services, love the peace of mind that they won't have to depend or be a burden on their families.  Let's say that's all true.

It doesn't make it right.  It's not how humans handled aging over the millennia, even if it is how we've handled it over the past 50+ years.  

FACT:  I'd make a fortune if I could develop a pill that my older friends could take every day that made them feel deeply fulfilled, as invisible as possible, barely a blip (if any) on their younger family members' radar.  I'd be a billionaire if I could develop an aerosol spray that younger relatives & close friends could spray once a day & be relieved of all concern, worry & guilt related to older loved ones' care.  

One pill, one spray & everyone could get on with their lives with as little fuss as possible.

Just one slight glitch - that's not how we were created to grow & develop.  

It seems that way too many youngers have forgotten - or never learned - that we're meant to be learning to the end of our days, not the end of our practical productivity.  For thousands of years, humans knew this;  they respected & learned from their elders.  For just a tad over 50 years, we've taken a different approach to elder care.  

Is it working?

get to know BETTY REID SOSKIN, oldest U.S. Park Ranger

Betty Reid Soskind is a story gatherer.  She is history, walking.  And I don't mean the history she shares on the job at the Rosie the Riveter National Historical Park, where she serves as the oldest U.S. Park Ranger.  I mean the ones she tells at a trio of women whose lives extend from 1846 to this present moment - herself, her mother, her grandmother.

Betty's grandmother was born a slave, in Louisiana.  She died when her granddaughter was in her late twenties.  Her granddaughter learned the stories her centenarian plus grandmother shared.  Her mother brought her own rich history to her daughter.  Her daughter brings them & her own history to us.

It is remarkable that Betty serves as a ranger, but her most outstanding accomplishment is how fully she embodies what we are meant to be in our eldering years, things that we are all called to do, even those who are not able to get up every day, put on a uniform, serve the nation & the public.  

Betty's greatest accomplishment, to me, is how these years help put her life into context.  In that, she reminds me of another other rather exceptional elder.  And is a reminder of how few olders use this time for such a what-we're-here-to-do purpose.  

As I muse on what she shared last night, what she shares on her blog, it strikes me as significant that she is African-American.  Her grandmother couldn't to read accounts of her family, or even her culture.  Her mother didn't see herself reflected in the print culture that surrounded her.  Betty got her public education from text books that described our nation's Euro-American history.  To have an awareness & appreciation of their racial history & culture REQUIRED an oral history tradition.

Listen to her NPR interview.  Think about your children, your self.  

How many detailed stories could you share about ancestors who go back just one generation, let alone three?  

For my Facebook friends who take delight in posts of archived film clips & photos of events from the early parts of & throughout the last century - what are YOU doing to preserve, treasure & make available your own family stories?  How many photos do you have printed out & labeled, not just stored on a cloud?  

Perhaps the high point of my own accomplishments will turn out to be helping Mom recall & record her own life stories on her own all-too-brief blog.  I've taken steps to get my older sibs to share family stories about things that happened long before my time, during eras I never experienced (am the youngest, by a lot).  They have so many rich experiences involving relatives I never knew - summers at the Ripley ranch, aunts & uncles, GREAT aunts & uncles, grandparents, family times & tragedies.  Listening to Betty has given me the boot to keep at it, to renew my efforts to get my sibs to do their own recalling & recording.

During the interview, Betty made a comment about using her time to put her life into context.  I believe utterly & completely that's meant to be the great use of older age, one too few people do.  

Too many olders think of their personal histories as something that belongs in the past;  too few see them as something to illuminate our present & down the years.  

Too few elders realize, as Betty does, that they've lead "lots & lots of lives."  It's clear that Betty was engaged with life long before she tripped the oldometer (one of Mom's phrases) into significant elderhood.  She embodies all I hope for, all that is captured in older2elder's motto - "engage energize empower."  

How can each of us youngsters & youngers help older friends, loved ones, clients recognize & honor the arc of their own life?  That is the question I have, listening to & reading about Betty Reid Soskind.

Yesterday afternoon, hours before being introduced to Betty & her rich story, I shared with a grannie client the greatest challenge I face working with older friends like her - my great life's work is helping them rediscover (or discover) their voice, to recognize & honor their life stories, to get a rewarding sense of context about their life.  Yet if I were to grant their dearest wish, for far too many of them, it would be to help them go invisible, to be as little fuss & bother for their family & others as possible.  And my grannie client agreed.  

It's a challenge to win the trust of people when the very thing you're encouraging them to do - speak up & out - is the opposite of what they think will best serve their families & caregivers.

Then, it was time for my nightly listen to Tell Me More & there was Betty.  

Her comment about her own life - that our national history is informed by her own family's stories, that she thinks "all of the elements are there" - is true for all of us.  Our community, cultural, national history is shaped by families.  Maybe not as richly as Betty's, which experienced challenges few of my friends can begin to fathom, but each with a richness of its own.  

Betty - thanks for the kick in the butt.  Will send out another request to my sibs (and include nieces & nephews & cousins!) for family stories to write down.  May all the Lockharts, through all the ages, become a semblance of storytellers like you & my Mom.  

Thanks, thanks & more thanks!

Docs & THE CONVERSATION

Docs as in document document document!  

The Conversation has no power without related documentation.  Knowing a relative or loved one or best buddy feels a certain way about end-of-life issues means zip if it's not properly written down.  

Personally, I never had to start The Conversation - Mom did.  Her attention was engaged on living wills from the moment she first heard them mentioned on NPR.  

Small wonder.  Mom was all too familiar with medical crises - she & Dad were in California when he collapsed getting onto their flight home, when he was diagnosed with brain cancer, when they had a variety of decisions to make regarding his diagnostic care & treatments.  And she was incredibly grateful that Dad was alert & able to participate in all the decisions regarding his care - she was surrounded by people facing similar crises, whose beloved couldn't let them know what he or she wanted.  

As soon as she heard about living wills, Mom requested one, filled it out, had Mim & me witness it.  

Through the years, the family - with Mom as fearless leader & inspiration - learned all about her views on what she considered reasonable treatment & where she drew the line.  

We also learned that a living will is just one of many advance directives that clarify a person's hopes  & desires concerning testing, treatments & care, in case the person is unable to be make their own medical decisions.

What is a "living will"? 

A living will is a WRITTEN, legal document that outlines which types of testing, treatment & care you would want, which ones you do not.  They are spelled out, avoiding vague wording & fuzzy language, against the day you might not be able to make those wishes known.  Mom's specified that she didn't want extraordinary measures  - mechanical breathing, feeding tubes, non-surgical resuscitation - taken to revive her. 

A good first step is to do an online search of  "advance directives" and your state.  Voila!  Lots of good, sound advice out there.  

When Mom took her tumble in Virginia, I was on the computer as quick as I could, checking out if Virginia's advance directives were significantly different from Pennsylvania.   Whew - it was just fine.  But that might not have been the case.  It might not have been accepted in New York, where being Mom's health care agent might have disqualified me as a witness.

Through the years - and especially after Mom's final hospitalizations in Virginia & back in Pennsylvania - I became an expert on the ins & outs & 'round abouts of living wills.  What I've learned includes:

• A health care proxy should be named at the same time a living will is executed.  I took over as Mom's health care proxy after Mim moved out of state, so it wasn't an issue.  The American Bar Association advises to always have both.  (more about health care proxies later)
• Keep a copy of your living will in your wallet.
• Make sure at least one family member has a copy.
• Be sure your family members know what's in the living will.  (Although their wishes can't override the written, witnessed document, their cooperation can make things go a lot easier.)
• Be sure you or your health care proxy confirms that the hospital will fully honor any request to abstain from "heroic measures" you specifically decline. 
• Here's one that surprised me - be sure to have LOTS of copies of any advance directive, including the living will, and make sure that if the patient changes units, each unit gets a copy.  At St. Mary's, where Mom had multiple moves between & back to regular care & ICU, the directives were not transferred with her - it was my responsibility to make sure each unit had it & were aware of her wishes. 
• Age isn't a factor in writing out a living will & naming a health care proxy.  Dad was younger than I am when he died soon after his diagnosis.  Accidents happen & illness strikes even the very young.  

My life was so much simpler, thanks to the many conversations Mom & I had ~ and ~ to the Mayo Clinic's website's excellent overview of advance directives.

My siblings & I knew what Mom wanted done for her medical care.  She designated a health care proxy & she kept her living will with her at all times.  She made sure that I knew where it was filed.  

Have The Conversation with your loved ones.  In addition to your family members, make sure that at least your pastor, at least one friend knows your wishes in the event you can't speak up for yourself.  Record your wishes in a living will, have it witnessed & make sure it's easy to find & access.  Document document document!