Don't wait for a situation that requires sensitive, potentially difficult information with someone, especially someone dear to your heart. Invest in or borrow at least two books - There's Something I Have to Tell You, by Charles Foster, and The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman - right now! Think of it as home owners insurance - an essential investment you hope you never need to use, but you're ready in case.
Both were responsible for quantum leaps forward in how I communicated with my siblings. Our family is pretty much the norm - maybe a bit more funky, but way less than I once thought. We are separated by a large cap in years - am 8, 10 & 14 years younger than my surviving brothers & sister - and by communication styles (two primary sibs are non-verbal, I'm off-the-charts verbal). We're even in different generations - they graduated before Kennedy was assassinated; I graduated after the Summer of Love. Kick in the fact that I was four years when Ian died & they were all older than him, and you get an inkling of why we have our share of communication problems.
It felt like our obstacles were insurmountable - until a friend introduced me to Gary Chapman's The Five Languages of Love, read a couple years after devouring Dr. Foster's perspective-changing book. As insightful & helpful as Dr. Foster's book is, it took pairing the two to make significant changes in the ways I was trying to reach out & partner with my sibs to reestablish some connection.
The communications problems besetting myself & my sibs seem universal, perhaps especially right here in the USA. Children with the best motives & only love in their heart seem unable to get through to parents & vice versa. Partners feel like they are talking to a brick wall instead of their beloved. Younger people can't seem to connect with older loved ones & friends.
It's not enough to just realize our differences, but to communicate with others by using THEIR love language, rather than your own.
This was a major challenge with my sister & oldest brother. My sister seems to feel connected through gifts, my brother through words of affirmation, while I am acts of service. The two of them seem most at ease when they seem (to me) closed, when there is a minimum - if any - contact. To be honest, was pretty down in the dumps at first reading about the five love languages - how could I communicate a love language that's totally non verbal? Gail assured me that if I understood the differences & remained open to hope, a way would show itself.
And it did! Do I have a close & cozy relationship with my sibs? Not with my brothers, but I gave it my best shot. Happy to say my sister & I have partnered to develop a relationship based on what works for us. Which is via mail, sticking to loving looks backward, no present-day stuff. What I would have missed if I'd stubbornly insisted that my mode of expressing & experiencing love is the one & only way!
NOW, before an emotional tsunami is on the horizon, buy or borrow The Five Love Languages and There's Something I Have to Tell You. If you're married & your spouse is amenable, have him or her read it, too. Or fin someone to read it, too - helped a lot having Gail to talk to about love languages & another friend I dragooned into reading Dr. Foster's tome. Mom & I read Dr. Foster's book together & discussed over cuppas & cookies; how wonderful it would have been to do the same with Gary Chapman's.
Share here your insights or any books, articles, videos that have been of help to you in honing refining polishing your own inter-personal communication styles.
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