There are days when my personal plans get moved to the back burner because of a need arising with a grannie client. When that happens, it typically doesn't feel like a major sacrifice, just the right thing to do. It feels good.
Take yesterday. When I arrived after lunch to do something with an older friend, was greeted with, "It's my birthday & NO ONE has said 'Happy Birthday!' to me!"
Praise be, her family had prepped me with the birthday plans, that included a family lunch at a favorite restaurant - on Saturday, when they could make it.
That did NOT hit home with my client. What about THE DAY??
A light bulb went off in my head. If you'd asked this same woman the day before if it mattered to her whether her birthday was celebrated on the actual Day of Days or delayed a little bit, she would have brushed off needing to do anything on the actual day. That's what so many oldsters do every day - try to create as little
for their children & others as possible. Heck, it's what I would have years ago!
I'd tell John that it was no big deal to make a fuss over Christmas or my birthday or an anniversary, especially if he was knee-deep in an art commission. Then, when the day dawned, my heart knew it was The Day, yet there was no celebration. And I would feel UN. UNcelebrated, UNacknowledged, even UNloved. Totally irrational. I was the one who'd told my beloved "No worries, I'm fine!"
There would be poor John, broadsided again by my sense of abandonment on a day that I'd totally assured him had been fine to delay.
Dear readers, you can be assured that two or three years (yes, it took a while for it to fully register) of this foolishness & I finally got to the point of actually knowing what I really wanted before spouting off. We have an agreement that I will actually KNOW what I really want before making any pronouncements. That was a big step forward for me. It wasn't easy, took a lot of soul-searching, personal inventories & brave steps into the unknown.
Not a lot of olders are up to that. ( Mom was a rarity. ) That leaves it to youngers to take assurances of "I'm fine. Just fine." with a hefty grain of salt.
Am reminded of a lesson learned from my mother, many decades ago. Good friends of my parents lost a child in a particularly foolish & devastating drowning. When Mom dropped by their home, friends were gathered on the street, on the front lawn, hanging back from knocking on the door, afraid of intruding on deep grief. Mom, who had lost an 11-year old to a particularly foolish & devastating shooting, strode right up & banged the door knocker. The mother, her dear friend, opened the door, looked straight into Mom's eyes & almost collapsed with sadness & relief - "Where has everyone been?" The friends thronged in.
Years before, with another friend, Mom had learned it's better to be somewhere you aren't needed than to hold back & not be somewhere that you are. That's my advice to anyone with older, especially significantly older, loved ones & friends. Even if they push tosh needing anyone to do anything on a special day, do something - send a card, drop by a special nibbling, give a present. They might not care, but they will have visible proof that you do.
My older friend & dear client had ASSURED her family that postponing any celebration until the more practical Saturday was fine, just fine - but THIS is how she felt on the Day of Days...
THIS is how she wanted to feel throughout yesterday...
Here's what I've learned over the years about others & birthdays:
- It's the rare person who doesn't remember that a specific date is his or her birthday.
- It is the rare person, woman or man, who doesn't have some great memories of birthdays past.
- If it's your birthday & you acted as described, brushing off plans for celebrating only to regret, cut yourself a break - it's hard for a lot of us to know how we feel, let alone do the scary thing of sharing it! A lot tougher than it sounds. Realize this, then resolve to do better!
- You never know how someone really feels about getting something as basic as a card. He or she might seem like they totally don't care, but then keep looking at, touching, setting aside in a safe place even the smallest birthday greeting.
- If you know it's someone's birthday, close friend or pleasant acquaintance or practically a stranger, give them a birthday shout out when you go past. They might seem abashed & even squirm, but even the greatest curmudgeon can be touched in the heart at being recognized.
- Send your parents - and children! - birthday cards that arrive before or on the Day of Days. Later really doesn't have the same oomph.
- Put your heart into it. That is what matters. When that heartbroken friend of my parents opened the door, she didn't see Mom - she saw a loving, similarly broken heart.
Cards, gifts, greetings - their value is from someone having put their heart into it. Yes, others can state over & over that a birthday is no big deal. Just remember my dear old Mother's advice ~ better to do something that's not appreciated than to hold back & not do something that makes someone feel bigger happier visible. Even if you can't stand being in the same room with them or vice versa, the fact that you took the time, the energy, the caring to do something is what matters.
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