helplessness

learned help·less·ness

ˌlərnd ˈhelplisnəs/

noun

Psychiatry

noun: learned helplessness

1. a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed. It is thought to be one of the underlying causes of depression.

    

Over the past years, I've spent A LOT of time in senior residences - particularly "continuing care retirement communities" that ballyhoo their residents have "no work, no worries."  Something that's clear to me, just looking around, just talking to my older friends & their cohorts, is that it's real easy to slip into a sense of imposed helplessness.  

Where are the studies, the articles on the woman who's taken pride in her house, who now lives in three or four rooms,  not on three of four floors; whose every housekeeping need is taken care?  The ones on the gardener or yardener who's lucky to get a tiny patch to tend, the fix-it guy & wood worker who no longer has his trusty work bench?

The couple renown for their dinner parties, who now restrict their entertaining to their residence dining room because their apartment is too small.  The fellow who took pride in doing automotive repairs & upkeep, who can no longer drive.  The lifelong reader who can no longer slog through the New York Times, let alone do its crossword puzzle.

What do we do to help our older loved ones not simply succumb to the imposed helplessness - and potential depression - that too often accompanies them to "independent living" communities?

      

the CRITICAL importance of Social Security #s

Last week, taking the final steps to care for Mim's body fell to me.  I accept the task with love, sisterly devotion - and frustration.  

In order to get Mim's body released, I need to have her Social Security # - which I don't have.  Which I haven't been able to track down. 

Be sure that YOU know or have ready access to the Social Security # of everyone within your circle of loved ones!  Am adding to my Final Wishes form - believe it!

one of my tribe

That's a great phrase - "one of my tribe" - describing someone who has qualities that resonate with me.  

This past week, while taking breakfast with an older friend at her senior residence, I met a fabulous member of my tribe.  The energy in the cafe zoomed upward as soon as she entered with her client.  Dressed in a flowing tunic over pants & a top, she swirled more than simply moved.  And she was all smiles, ready to have a great time.

Everything about her was focused, but not overly solicitiously, on the older woman in her care.  She settled her at a table, greeting & drawing all the rest of us into their orbit, then went to get her friend's breakfast.  Smiling, remembering her slicing half a banana atop waffles - she turned a mundane moment into a tiny event.  

Each morning, the same thing.  The sense of fresh energies filling the room, attention without a smidgeon of condescension, the friendliness to all of us.  Even the most cantankerous old biddy couldn't help but give at least a faint smile.

Best of all were the eyes & attitude of the woman she had such delight assisting.  They sparkled & she was clearly ready for a good time as well as a tasty breakfast.

What a surprise to experience the same older woman over the weekend.  On Saturday & Sunday, she came in with someone else.  The young woman was attentive, took good care of her charge, was capable & attentive.  But what a difference.  Her clothing identified her as an aide - matching tunic & pants.  She was competent & thorough in her care, but I didn't see her smile.  Not once. The difference was shocking, as was the difference in the older woman's eyes & attitude - she woman was there, but without any sense of being engaged with the rest of the room.  Even her hair didn't look as sleek & stylish as it did throughout the week before.  She was cared for, but something was missing.

Having experienced that, I took special note of my own older friend as we had dinner last night.  I watched her roll into the dining area with her trusty walker, took in her beautiful face breaking into smiles as she spotted the two of us & another dear friend of hers.  She was ready for not just supper, but a good time.  And she got it.  Another good friend of hers asked if he could join us & the evening turned into a dinner party!  

At 94, our client is considerably older than the 83-year old gentleman who joined us, but it's clear she's a special friend of his.  We had a delightful time, with the conversation flowing between John, myself & the fine fellow.  Did my grannie client constantly chime in?  Not much, but just looking at her face told anyone that she was having a high old time, reveling in the lively banter flying across the table.  It helped that each of us took care to include her in the fun, drawing her in with comments & looking at, being aware of her presence.  Her face was lit up the entire night, especially after a 5th person, who'd finished her own meal with friends, joined us for the last fifteen minutes.  John & I agreed afterward that it felt like our own version of Dinner Party Download!

 

So, what sets us - Donna, John, myself - apart from traditional caregivers?  I'm not sure.  

It helps that we don't have a uniform that immediately sets us apart, that announces who we are & why we are there.  If you saw us with our clients, we could be children or other relatives, friends.  The clothing really does make a big difference.  There is a reason people wear uniforms - so they will be more uniform.  I know it would affect me, wearing something so totally not me, so utterly an alien norm.  I can't wait to see what Donna has on today!

The uniform makes a difference, but even wearing one couldn't squelch the sheer enjoyment each of us feels just being with our older friends.  Looking back over our client list, can't spot one who didn't bring a smile to our faces, John's as well as mine.  We don't just like older people, we find them delightful to be with, energizing to be around. 

We do our best to help them feel at their own best.  For a client with memory challenges, I wear a brightly lettered name tag with DEEV & the date dangling from a snappy-looking lanyard.  There's always a boldly lettered card on the dashboard proclaiming the day & date.  It's easy for memory-challenged friends to realize what tomorrow will be with the current day & date right in front of them. Praise be, so far all my friends seem to appreciate it, feel partnered in their care & comfort, rather than patronized.

I am so grateful to have found another member of our tribe.  In seeing how she so tenderly cares for her older friend, I get more insight into what it is that John & I do with our own clients that make us a different sort of care partner.  

That isn't to diminish the value of more traditional aides, but it helps me appreciate what it is we do & hold so dear.  

What does our tribe bring to the mix that brings verve to elder care?  We each reach beyond providing basic services to something more - to engage energize empower.  We take pride in helping with needs, but LOVE doing all we can to celebrate & live expansively! 

sharper mind, middle age & beyond

A bit of a slog, but worth the read.   A Sharper Mind, Middle Age and Beyond is a 01/19/12 NY Times article that starts out with bleak prospects for the aging brain & ends up about cheerleading it's ability to expand & learn right up to our last moment.  Includes a great bit of insight from the late, great Gene Cohen!

It amazes me how recently we learned that our brains are malleable, even as we inch up in years, that it can be positively influenced by things directly in our control - including our attitudes toward change.  

Am continually amazed that more specialists aren't promoting the benefits of fostering a greater growth mind-set with olders & the elderly.  Are they waiting for scientific data, data that's basically nil because the health & well-being of the elderly are infinitely less lucrative than catering to their debilitations.  Looks like time for an inspired generalist - ME - to step up & get things rolling!
 

and they responded...

 

... This is what we can do.  This is what we can't do, at this time.  "We are learning a lot...  And I don't mind if you see it differently. You're being a good watchman (Ezekiel 33), and I appreciate your speaking up. Peace be upon you."

That is about as ideal a situation as it gets.  Agreement isn't - can't be - the end, because as a care partner I will naturally see things differently than a child or loved one.  But clear, open, respectful communication - that happened!

someone asked, "How did you respond?"

Following my melodramatic rant over being a failure (oh, the theatrics!) - followed by my much shorter mea culpa - someone wondered, "So, how did you respond to the family?"

This was it, in a nutshell...

your father needs you to be there for him.  it's a bother, an inconvenience, an intrusion - and it's real life, real time.  we are talking 2-3 hours extra a month - not a day, not a week.  a month. 

there is a reason we are instructed BY GOD to honor our parents - it ain't easy.  no one knows that better than i.  did you know that it's the only commandment that has a blessing attached to the doing of it? 

i was there for mom.  it was TOUGH.  yet my life right now is golden.  is there a correlation?  maybe it's just that i learned a lot.  (caring for an elderly parent could be right up there with raising children for helping us learn to let go of our ego & expectations.)   then again, maybe it's something more

how y'all resolve the coverage is up to you.  i've never beseeched y'all to step up to the plate - until now. 

being a child of aging parents can be super tough, but - approached with right attitude & action - can be bring forth benefits & blessings we can't imagine as we slog through the trenches.    

but don't take just my word for it...  

 

going quiet

I am an extrovert.  An extrovert by nature & even more so by nurture.  

Any introverted traits were wrenched out years ago.  

I've come to terms with being an extrovert, in spite of the fact that the people who seem the most persuasive are more introverted, non-verbal.  

One of the interesting, disturbing things I've noticed over the past few years is how many older people seem to be introverts - including many that I suspect were anything but in their younger years.

Praise be for coming across Susan Cain & The Quiet Revolution.  I don't want to flip my friends from where they are, if that's genuinely them.  I look to Susan to help me understand a dynamic that's always been an envied enigma to me.  To help my older friends to experience it as a tool rather than simply a default.

 

fierceness & grace

 

Blessings on Brene Brown for her wonderful comment, "You can approach life with both fierceness & grace."  I'd love to convey that - and all it means - to every age, especially to my older friends!


 

Philly - epicenter of positive dynamics!

first posted on DreamReweaver... 

Do I live in a spectacularly generous Universe or what?!?!?!  

My gosh!  I set out to embrace my inner elder care anarchist, poised to join in the forces determined to overthrow our culture's woeful view of growing old.  What do I discover?  

That I live in one - perhaps THE - of best places on our planet to do just that!

First, I discover the University of Pennsylvania's Positive Psych Center.   And that the jaw-dropping Martin Seligman heads it up.  

Oh, wait...  And U of P's Psych Center is home to The Duckworth Lab, run by - ta da! - the astonishing MacArthur grant fellow, Ted Talker Angela Lee Duckworth!  

Reb Zalman did some of his most ground-breaking work in Philadelphia.   

That great man is no longer with us (at least physically), but Rabbi Dayle Friedman is, "guiding individuals, professionals & communities on the journey of aging." 

Over the past month, every day seems to uncover another reason why I live in an incredible place to be part of the forces committed to helping every person of every age - including, especially olders & the elderly - see shine share their inner light!
 

Seriously? I'm going to L.A.?

first posted on DreamReweaver...

 
Just not possible.  Los Angeles  - one of the few places on the face of our planet that I have never had the slightest interest in visiting.  DisneyLand - yes.  LaLa Land - nevah!

Oh, I had the 6th International Conference on Ageing & Spirituality on my crowdfund wish list, but took it off a couple days ago.  

Last summer, I'd longed to attend last year's Gifting the World as We Age conference in Seattle - who doesn't want to go to Seattle?  It broke my heart, missing the soul-inspiring presentations.  

In spite of the fact that Sage-ing International highly recommended the L.A. conference, realized a couple days ago that I just couldn't justify the outrageous transportation & hotel costs.  Hey, for the cost of the one conference, I could attend two or three Omega or Rowe workshops.  Just not worth it.  

And then I saw that Dayle Friedman (Rabbi, MSW, MA, BCC) is going.

That tore it.

Suddenly, the Omega & Rowe & other workshops have moved down the list & an L.A. conference claims the top spot.


If Rabbi Dayle is going, it will be worth the time energy co$t to get there.  Even to Los Angeles.