Over the past few days, my older friend (who's been magnificently dealing with increasing memory challenges) has been asking throughout breakfast - "What am I doing with the rest of the day?"
When it came up again this morning, I was shocked to hear myself say, "Oh, you'll be going out to lunch & to dinner!"
My stomach lurched, hearing those words. I was putting her out in the foyer, like so many people, who have basically only meals to wait for, who have nothing - nothing - to DO.
Yes, it's lovely that my friend's remarkable family make sure she has interesting company at breakfast, that most of her meals are either outside her senior residence or in company with engaging people who focus on fun banter, big ideas & delightful memories. But that still leaves her with time on her hands, waiting for a mealtime to come alive.
She only has three days like that - with nothing to do between each meal - but they are unfortunately one right after the other. For whatever reason, she is feeling it especially keenly right now.
Praise be, I could assure her that she had Bible Study this morning! A big smile lit up her face.
Fridays are practically a marathon for her - a lively breakfast with her friend, David, and yours truly; another care partner swings by while we're finishing up our meal & things get even jollier before the two of them head upstairs for art class; a quick lunch in the senior residence cafe is followed by the always uplifting & informative Contemporary Religion class, which looks indepth at every sort of faith on the planet; back to her bedroom for a nap before ending up with dinner down in the Club Room with John et moi & others, capped off by a sunset-chasing evening drive! That's the sort of daily schedule she'd like - especially now - every day.
Two things occurred to me today - well, three, including the realization I thought looking forward to mealtimes made up for nothing to do between them.
One - in my dear friend's mind, there's virtually no lapse in time between when she was a homemaker, gardener, chief cook & bottle washer, a loving wife & devoted mother to a husband who depended on her & children who needed her.
Older folks don't need scientific studies to tell them there is no time, that there never was. We youngers are not so experienced, wise. My friend & her fellow residents could share hours & hours of stories about their younger years, years that were filled with too much to do to get everything done, years that seem a whisker of time ago, years that are so different from their here & now. She enjoys her mealtimes, appreciates all her children do to make sure she has fun each day. And she feels... possibly guilty that it so often still feels barren, barren on so many levels.
The second thing that occurred to me is that I have virtually no background in dealing with my friend's dilemma. Every older friend I was close to lived in their own homes, often to the very end. Or they lived with their children or other doting relatives who kept things lively throughout the day.
Mom is certainly no use in figuring out how to help my older friend. As she & I talked this morning, it dawned on me that Mom - who lived with us at Squirrel Haven - always had the opportunity to dust a shelf, to wipe off the bathroom counters or stovetop, to shine up the kitchen sink or a mirror. Or not!
Mom wasn't a great one for gabbing over the phone, but over a dozen people welcomed her cards, notes & letters. Several crossword puzzles were always tucked into the carry-all on her walker & she was, to her final days, a voracious reader. I was once raked over the coals by a younger friend of hers (a kid of 75) for not getting Mom an audio player - apparently Mom had declined an offer of recordings of church services; I had to patiently explain that Mom had three such players, that she'd declined the offer because she READ the weekly sermons. "Your mother can still read?" was the disbelieving response.
This would be Mom today!
John's mother was much the same - she kept her days filled with keeping her Philadelphia home neat as a pin, enjoyed time playing cards with her gal pals, tended her beautiful roses & African violets.
This is terra incognita for the two of us - John & I never had to strike out into such new territory with any of our parents. We are feeling our way along. But we agree that serious attention needs to be paid to this problem.
Seems that our disadvantage is actually a great strength. We KNOW from multiple personal experiences that older people don't naturally want to sit around & twiddle their thumbs, don't seek to disengage from society around them. And we haven't a doubt that the boob tube is NOT meant to be their primary companions.
So, off we go, exploring new terrains, to find what can fill the vast spaces between the outposts of breakfast, lunch & dinner!
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