Am still mightily impressed with the friend who welcomed her widowed mother into her home after the elderly woman - who had lived in a relatively isolated house set on several acres of land - was diagnosed with dementia. Her generous offer meant the woman could keep a beloved cat, which she would have not been able, in her condition, to have in the senior life care residences they'd considered.
Am still horrified that the daughter's criteria for her mother's care partners required light housework & walking the family dogs. While it saddens me that I seem to have lost a friendship due to speaking up, it was the only thing I could do. To have kept silent would have been inexcusable, although it didn't seem to make much difference. My friend's focus was on the bigger picture, the practicalities; mine was on its heart.
The mother, also a friend of ours, is highly intelligent, engaging & used to having friends nearby to visit or at least call at whim. And she was grieving. Not that she showed it. To the family, she showed only a smile, her sadness cloaked in what came across as complaints & swipes.
I cannot imagine going through all she has since the summer. She surrendered her driver's license; gave up most of her belongings - no space in the large room at her daughter's; bid farewell to the beloved home that she & her late husband had bought as a fixer upper & transformed into a social center for family friends colleagues, farewell to those friends & colleagues, to the beautiful meadow stretching in front of her home that she'd carefully planted over the years, to the church she attended every Sunday, the church women's discussion group, to more than I can imagine.
There are a lot of terrific care partners who can provide exceptional care & do the light housework my friend requires. But do they have the skill sets to meet the needs of her mother - are they socially skilled enough to draw her out, to learn her interests & build up a knowledge bank on those things to nurture conversation? Are they old enough to have some awareness of the mother's experiences? Are THEY interesting, people with whom she'd enjoy just shooting the breeze? Because these are the qualities her mother seriously needed - not solely, but seriously - during her settling-in time.
My friend did find care partners who could be there for her mother & do the light housekeeping & dog walking she required. Does she have a play partner, someone there just for her, just for joy?
The situation has taught me a lot. It was compelling to see, in real time, the challenges facing families welcoming a older loved one. Can't begin to imagine the sacrifices everyone involved has made for the sake of a best possible outcome. Got a peek into the difficulties pulling together a team of care partners, each bringing a particular skill set (including housekeeping & dog walking. Having it reinforced that at least one of those partners a deep sense of play, of lightheartedness; who can help clients get outside of themselves, even if they are home-bound; who can connect & frolic with the client's range of interests & experiences.
That there is a difference between our physical well-being and our emotional & spiritual.
I stink at providing for physical well-being. Never had any experience. John's Mom passed at 87, mine at 91; both women were able to administer their own meds to the very end. To the very end, both were managing stairs ~ my mother-in-law went up & down a long fight several times a day! They cooked their own meals, Mom M. did her own cleaning.
At 87 & 91, both women awed us with their independence. But it meant that their kids never had to provide support with daily life activities, a level of skill sets most oldsters & certainly ancients need.
Where we excel is helping others find the joy in their lives, experience moments of playful happiness. At giving friends the soul satisfaction of knowing their presence brings us enjoyment & pleasure. And encouraging friends who need a care partner for themselves or a loved one create a team of providers to include at least one for just play, for socializing, for in-home coffee klatches or out-of-home meanders. Even just two hours a week of playful fun can make a difference in a person's mental emotional spiritual state.
Over the past eight months, I've learned the importance of having at least one care partner be willing to provide light housekeeping & dog walking. Can see how that helps the household. And I've had it reinforced that one of those care partners should be there just for the fun of it. Put those different skill sets together & you've got the right stuff!
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