Why is it that my brother, Peter, has never been a mystery to me, while he was, to the day she died, a complete enigma to my mother? Maybe it's as simple as the fact that I had boundaries on my relationships whereas she was 100% free range.
Having boundaries is what frees me to partner up with Peter for our current pretty good relationship. The two of us - and John. John is what makes the relationship possible.
Peter is notorious for talking at great length & only about himself or something of personal interest to HIM. It's gotten to be an inside joke - seeing how long he'll go before asking about us. I will give you that he typically asks, "How's life?" when we first greet. But after that, he's typically off & running.
John & I both agreed when we reconnected with Peter - December 2014 - that his time with us would be HIS time. Peter could say do or go whatever, wherever he wanted. Again, it's John that makes that possible.
Peter can go on about things that naturally irk or irritate me, might bring up difficult memories or trigger disturbing emotions. Having John in the back seat is like having a heart-shaped sponge that just soaks up the potential arrrgggghhhhs without affecting him. And it's John that goes into Best Buy or Staples or Walmart, leaving me reading in the car. (The Universe has also partnered, because I invariably find a shady spot, even in the biggest Big Box parking lot.) If it weren't for John soaking up the sound waves & letting me have space, it would be more than I could balance.
It is a gift to me, being able to be there for Peter. Peter always went through life with a swagger, an outspoken assurance in his superiority, in his BIGNESS & the smallness of the rest of us. There were the few people/families he idealized & the many he felt beneath him. Those people & families didn't all have money position power, but they all stood out from the common rest. It grieved me, even as a young woman, that Peter seemed so jumbled about how to live expansively, from a balanced core & with a mighty will.
We do very well in small doses. Sunday phone calls from Peter have been an unexpected - greatly welcome - replacement for the occasional note or card from Mim. The phone rings, my face lights up & either John or I predict - "It's Peter!"
Last night, he asked what's needed to play a dvd. Remember the spike of happiness I felt, realizing we could give him our little dvd player - now, we always use the laptop. Will drop it over later today. Then, he mentioned wanting to send a set of dvds down to our brother, Mike - in Australia. I set the phone down & checked it out ~ yep, Australia uses a different set- up than ours. BUT, Mike has two massively tech savvy children & either Scott or Karen might have their parents set up to play American dvds. So, PRL will write to MGL to ask.
I don't know why I get my bro. Mom always saw him back as a child. "If you only knew him when..." How many times I'd hear that phrase. That little boy was safe for Mom, was a being she could get her head around, not the confusing, often heart-breaking adult who didn't seem able to fully realize let along make the best use of the awesome gifts of fairly good brains & fierce determination to be exceptional.
Unlike Mom, I've always seen the person in front of me. And loved him, even when it was clear it wouldn't be reciprocated.
One of the beauties of staying in touch, staying open to relationship, as we grow older is that certain things that were very important in our younger years can be muted, while other things that didn't matter much or at all in those years can take center stage as we inch into eldering. I can't experience that with Mike & Kerry - that door has been shut locked bolted against me for years. But I did, ultimately, with Mim. And Peter is just down the 'pike.
Giving thanks all over again to the Universe for providing an opening for new sibling growth. Giving thanks to John for making it possible. To Peter for being willing to partner with his baby sis for a better us. And even to me for never saying never.
Am 64 years old & life is good. Ain't that grand?
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