One of my greatest blessings has been realizing long-held dreams & having their realization feel every bit - often more - as sweet as I'd imagined. My oldest brother calls me on a regular basis, just to shoot the breeze. (I'd call him, but he rarely answers his phone & doesn't have voice mail!) John & I have the delight of a wonderful circle of dear friends & a community of pleasant acquaintances. I am seeing progress in becoming more productive, in DOing the things that fill my heart, in BEing the person who was been pinned down for eons under layers of infused inertia.
When Peter called the other day - did I know which fairy tale included "Mirror, mirror on the wall"? - smiled as much as when John would come through the front door, exclaiming, "You have a letter from Mim!"
Connection - it feels as good as I imagined.
Sure, I know that Peter's on the other line because Mim is no longer with us. In their latter years, the two of them were super tight, talking to each other practically every day. It's impossible for me to imagine the blessing that was for each of them, confined by health issues to their rooms. Regular phone contact with a sib must have been a godsend.
Mim & I did right well, as long as we limited ourselves to letters notes cards. Even just speaking on the phone, I'd invariably tick her off, so we stayed clear of Ma Bell. I'm glad to have her wonderful cards & notes. Over the last few years of her life, rarely an anniversary or birthday went by without one of her handcrafted cards, usually featuring cats or squirrels. Touching that star went beyond my heart's expectation.
Peter often calls with questions about photos he's spotted in mailings sent by our local alumni association, so I suggested a ramble out this way to see the changes to the campus, which he hasn't stepped foot on in over a decade. John & I look forward to getting him out here next month, while the signs are still up celebrating our little boro's centenary!
Touching the star of connection with Peter is soul warming. It can't touch what he had with Mim, with whom he had so much shared life experiences, but I think it matters to him.
As soul-satisfying as touching those long-for stars have been, getting a better sense of my own abilities, learning to move past simply imagining goals to actually achieving them, lowering my two feet onto terra firma & stepping forward with intent - that's been glorious.
I've heard talk about folks who had a sense of let down after realizing core dreams Not me!
For all of my life, it seemed that how I felt, what I expected, how I lived, was off kilter. Now, am aware of a greater sense of balance, of being more connected to my core.
The post office relationship with Mim felt every bit as special as I'd imagined - we were connected in a way to worked for both of us. I look at strong sister relationships - and I have many friends blessed with them - and feel not a single pang of, "But THAT's what I wanted." I wanted what was possible, which is what I got.
It will feel great, driving Peter around college & high school campuses. He's looking forward to walking into the Brickman Center, to seeing the Doering Science Center. Those will be unforgettable moments for all of us, John included.
One of the things I most cherish about being older is knowing that what I always claimed I wanted was totally spot on. It doesn't take a lot to make me feel ridiculously happy. Connection. Affection isn't a requirement; basic respect - on all sides - is.
Am surprisingly unsentimental for such someone who seems such a sentimentalist. I know that if Whitney moves back to the area, my relationship with Peter could change in a heart beat. Right now, I am the only game in town. I am not being played - we are being playful.
I am blessed beyond imagining, touching stars that seemed for so long so far beyond my reach - to have a relationship with my sister, with my oldest brother & with myself. Divine!
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