"WE gave each other all that we had to offer."

My thanks to the Facebook friend who used this line, describing the tight & tender relationship she had for 32 years with her appreciated beloved cherished mother-in-law.

"WE gave each other all that we had to offer."  That sentence echoes throughout my soul.

It complements so completely an aha that hit the other day, reading Glennon Doyle Melton's description of her experience at the end of a crazed AIDS bike ride back in her younger years.  Was surprised at the waves of homecoming that swept over me reading, "And it didn't matter anymore if we were gay or straight or young or old or healthy or dying.  We'd been through something real. It had hurt like hell, but we'd finished.  Together."

It seemed slightly outrageous, that reading those lines brought SUCH a strong sense of my family, the family that was integral to my young adult-now years ~ Mom, Peter, Mike, Mim. 

How was it possible, given the MASSIVE differences between them et moi?  Given the ripped apart spirits, the disconnects, the UNness of it all?  HOW was it possible those words brought the of us, together, so vividly to mind?  That haunted my thoughts for the past two days.

Patsy nailed it - "WE gave each other all that we had to offer."  At 64, can see that we all gave what we had to offer to Mom, to the greater family.  We gave 100% of what available.  We all did our individual best at the given time, given circumstances, given sense of being.

"WE gave each other all that we had to offer."  Intriguing, how shout-outs & insights from the Divine typically come from unexpected sources.   Am feeling blessed & at peace & loving my dear family, especially the ones I was least like, yet knew best - Mom, Peter, Mike, Mim.  

Golden friendships

Huffington Post's Senior Editor has a dandy posting on the five types of friends "worth holding onto for dear life."  Shelley Emling brings up some points I recently discussed with my prosperity coach, the great Jane Kerschner.

It's possible Jane feels I set myself up for disappointment by setting too high a bar for friendship due to my belief that the gold standard of a great friendship is how well we help each other become our version possible, which admittedly varies from day to day.

One quality Shelley highlights is being up for anything.  The ones who will go to see A Chorus Line, on Broadway, on a work night - and you live in Philadephia.  The housemate who gets out of bed at midnight so you can a) rave or b) rant about your a) fabulous or b) atrocious date.  Who sends plane tickets so you can fly 2/3 of the way across country for a weekend visit.  Who doesn't laugh at your plan to drive down to Cape Kennedy to watch a Saturn rocket take off for the moon  then turn around & come straight back. 

Another quality - those folks who make time for you, even when they're busy.  Or  were fast asleep when you called up about that a) fabulous or b) atrocious date.  Who don't slam down the phone when you call them at 3:35 a.m. asking to borrow their van because your Mom is headed for the ER after a fall & you meant to get gas first thing in the morning & are not sure there's enough in the tank to get to Holy Redeemer - who hand over the keys without question, just a big hug.  The ones who show up at your art show opening or come see your stand-up routine or applaud you in The Gondoliers, even though the shows might be hours away.  Who - out of the 40 people invited - was among the perfect six who showed up at Shanachie to celebrate my 60th birthday.

Friends who are genuinely happy for me when something good happens.  Actually, I can't imagine being anything but, even for a pleasant acquaintance, whether it is a windfall, a great job opportunity, finding true love or losing weight.  Can't imagine even a smidgen of bitterness if a friend gets a book contract before I do, if she slims down to a size 12 while I still at LargeXX, who has grounded kids & wonderful in-laws.  John & I have friends who've been dear to my heart since my college days, who are blessed with a terrific marriage & strong partnership, whose kids are delightful, interesting, accomplished in their own ways, who enjoy & nurture a 4-generation family, who are pretty outstanding in their professions & treasured in their friendships.  Just writing that, thinking about them & all they have done, all they have touched - how can it not bring a smile to my face!

Interesting thing about the fourth quality, friends who are upbeat ~ over two years, 2006-2008,  friends who seemed to draw out my own negativity, people with whom I was a Debbie Downer, jnaturally dropped out of my life. We just stopped connecting.  The friends who are in my life right now are, whatever their age & through no conscious design on my part, ones who help showcase my best side, the best side of others, of life.

I suspect that Jane & I might disagree about the last quality noted in Shelley's posting - honesty.  I got the impression that Jane thought I set that bar a trifle high, so it was reassuring to see it included.  Shelley acknowledges that the loyal & true & HONEST friend may be the hardest to find make keep.  My most treasured friend, who lives a great distance from us, called up after getting a letter from me with some casual reference to the state of the house.  She talked to me about the importance of getting a grip on my wretched house cleaning habits, offering suggestions on ways to get my act together.  I could have gotten in a huff - she has a housecleaner for her LARGE beautiful abodee, but I remember all the years she kept her far far tinier homes clean, that she has help because she & her husband are kept mega busy doing work that serves their community.  The fact is that as soon as we said out goodbyes, I burst into tears of joy & overwhelming gratitude.  No one had ever cared enough about my welfare to be reach out with such words of tough love support.  Even now, years later, I remember the whooooosh! of amazed joy that someone CARED enough to be honest & open, knowing it might not go well.  Having the courage & caring to honest - - to me, the greatest hallmark of friendship.  As Shelley put it, "If you find someone who will tell you the truth, in an honest attempt to help, never let them go."

And, I would add, let them know.  Write them a letter.  Yes, a letter - writing paper, ink, envelopes, stamp.  Your hand writing.  Include a photo of the two of you or a recent snapshot or your kids grandkids furbabies.  Let them know what's happening in your life.  Don't make getting a reply a touch stone for whether they care.  My dearest friends write three times a year - on my birthday, on John's, at Christmas. Tucked into cards are two hand-written letters from from him & from her.  If we got a letter in response to one I sent at any other time of year, it would be cause for concern! 

My friendship experience is different from a lot of folks I know.  My friendship circle started growing relatively late in life - in my upper 30s.  For whatever wonderful reason, friendships rooted back in my childhood years started resurfacing in my 50s.  My work with people interested in as expansively as possible, my Saturday mornings as The Cupcake Lady at the local farm market, my afternoons hanging with toddlers - tweens so their parents can do what they gotta do - my circle includes all ages!

Finding myself thinking about the family of an older friend & client.  I think about how her children made the conscious effort to bring the five qualities of friendship that Shelley spotlights into their 90+ year old mother's life.  They've taken care to ensure she has people with her who are up for anything, who are happy to make time for her (even when they're busy), who are happy for her when something wonderful happens,  who are upbeat & who are honest. 

Interesting, coming across this article today.  Just yesterday, for the first time in many months, maybe in a year, this dear client asked, "How's Macy doing?"  My client has serious memory challenges.  She's always up for the next moment of joy, but has no space in those moments for things like time & days of the week & facts like Macy passed several years ago.  When I explained that Macy, her best of all BFFs, was gone, she wasn't sad - instead, we talked about the qualities for friendship the two of them had shared, that still light up Anne's life with priceless memories. 

Shelley talked about heading off for a girls' only weekend with longtime friends, "the kind of girlfriends that see you through all of life’s milestones."  I am not a girls' weekend type, but - after reading her posting, after Anne's question about Macy - am looking forward to a long leisurely Sunday of writing long-over due notes, of making a few phone calls to see how Janina's doing, to check up on Debra, to ask Candy to search through her things for photos of each of her grandchildren for me to have on the fridge. 

Wrapping this up, getting ready to head out with my bestest buddy of all - JOHN - am hoping I can be as good a friend to my golden circle as they are to me.

Touching the stars

One of my greatest blessings has been realizing long-held dreams & having their realization feel every bit - often more - as sweet as I'd imagined.  My oldest brother calls me on a regular basis, just to shoot the breeze.  (I'd call him, but he rarely answers his phone & doesn't have voice mail!)  John & I have the delight of a wonderful circle of dear friends & a community of pleasant acquaintances.  I am seeing progress in becoming more productive, in DOing the things that fill my heart, in BEing the person who was been pinned down for eons under layers of infused inertia. 

When Peter called the other day - did I know which fairy tale included "Mirror, mirror on the wall"? - smiled as much as when John would come through the front door, exclaiming, "You have a letter from Mim!" 

Connection - it feels as good as I imagined.

Sure, I know that Peter's on the other line because Mim is no longer with us.  In their latter years, the two of them were super tight, talking to each other practically every day.  It's impossible for me to imagine the blessing that was for each of them, confined by health issues to their rooms.  Regular phone contact with a sib must have been a godsend.

 

Mim & I did right well, as long as we limited ourselves to letters notes cards.  Even just speaking on the phone, I'd invariably tick her off, so we stayed clear of Ma Bell.  I'm glad to have her wonderful cards & notes.  Over the last few years of her life, rarely an anniversary or birthday went by without one of her handcrafted cards, usually featuring cats or squirrels.  Touching that star went beyond my heart's expectation. 

Peter often calls with questions about photos he's spotted in mailings sent by our local alumni association, so I suggested a ramble out this way to see the changes to the campus, which he hasn't stepped foot on in over a decade.  John & I look forward to getting him out here next month, while the signs are still up celebrating our little boro's centenary!

Touching the star of connection with Peter is soul warming.  It can't touch what he had with Mim, with whom he had so much shared life experiences, but I think it matters to him.

As soul-satisfying as touching those long-for stars have been, getting a better sense of my own abilities, learning to move past simply imagining goals to actually achieving them, lowering my two feet onto terra firma & stepping forward with intent - that's been glorious.  

I've heard talk about folks who had a sense of let down after realizing core dreams  Not me!  

For all of my life, it seemed that how I felt, what I expected, how I lived, was off kilter.  Now, am aware of a greater sense of balance, of being more connected to my core.  

The post office relationship with Mim felt every bit as special as I'd imagined - we were connected in a way to worked for both of us.  I look at strong sister relationships - and I have many friends blessed with them - and feel not a single pang of, "But THAT's what I wanted."  I wanted what was possible, which is what I got. 

It will feel great, driving Peter around college & high school campuses.  He's looking forward to walking into the Brickman Center, to seeing the Doering Science Center.  Those will be unforgettable moments for all of us, John included. 

One of the things I most cherish about being older is knowing that what I always claimed I wanted was totally spot on.  It doesn't take a lot to make me feel ridiculously happy.  Connection.  Affection isn't a requirement; basic respect - on all sides - is. 

Am surprisingly unsentimental for such someone who seems such a sentimentalist.  I know that if Whitney moves back to the area, my relationship with Peter could change in a heart beat.  Right now, I am the only game in town.  I am not being played - we are being playful. 

I am blessed beyond imagining, touching stars that seemed for so long so far beyond my reach - to have a relationship with my sister, with my oldest brother & with myself.  Divine! 

A blessing on Be Well

Yesterday, John & I dropped by Be Well Bakery & Café, our second visit of the day.  In the morning, the joint was jumping, with the usual Sunday morning crowd looking for our Garden Bagel with slices of avocado, homemade granola parfait, maybe a breakfast dessert of zucchini cake, fueled with a coffee beverage, maybe the Lady Violet or Go Green smoothie.  In the late afternoon, there was an unexpected hush over the beautiful deep maroon room - we were the only customers, as the staff quietly & efficiently stripped out the beloved space's accoutrements, transferring them to the NEW space, a short hop over the next-door dry cleaners. 

There was Tony, counting out the drawer, the wonderful young guys helping us with our order - one last time to order the Super Salad (with gouda), two brownie sandwiches (raspberry filling for me, salted caramel for John) & what turned out to be a very generous slice of Gwyneth's wondrous Coconut Cream Cake. 

We gathered up our order, took a final look around, went out the door.  For the last time.

As we headed off to bed last night, John & I talked about the space that was formerly known as Be Well, envisioning it as a shushed place of amazed energies.  To John, it was his favorite place to head for breakfast - even more than Fred's - to me, it was...

What was it to me?  The space - first as Santiago's, when Alex was still there, then later as Be Well - was where I came into my own.  In my 50s & 60s.  It was where I could connect with others, something I'd longed to do all my life but had felt like I fumbled.  In that space, it was easy natural magical.  No effort, just flow. 

It was where I connected with Rebecca & through her with Delaware Valley High School, got a job subbing then as a full-time science (seriously?) teacher, which I loved, then taught one year of social studies, the field in which I am actually credentialed.  Whichever the subject, I had the blessing of teaching as creatively as I pleased, had the joy of knowing that some days, on my best days & theirs, I actually got through to some of the tough-as-nails kids who seemed to pride themselves on being beyond our reach, beyond repair.  For three summers, I got to teach summer school English & Science to classes that were 1/4 remedial, with the others there from other schools to log in extra credits so they could move AHEAD of their classmates when the new school year started.   We did enrichment work, reviewing the lives of great scientists, opening their eyes to the contributions of great minds in the ancient Middle East, Asia, India.  We did a unit on satire, beginning with Thomas Swift's A Modest Proposal - which I did NOT first explain was a spoof), moving onto Franklin's Rules By Which A Great Empire May Be Reduced To A Small One, to Twain's Man's The Only Animal Who Blushes ... Or Needs To, then ending with watching Stephen Colbert's 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner, which he'd given earlier that year.  My last year, teaching social studies, was pure joy & provided miraculous closure for being booted from teaching at Bryn Athyn Elementary School many years before, a heart tear I never expected to truly heal.  I got to that wondrous point in my life because of Alex' café being a welcoming sanctuary after Mom died.

It was my office, a place I could camp out for hours, reading & writing.  In the impossible days after 9/16/01 when - within three weeks - I lost my best gad-about buddy, my surviving parent, my confidante & always-there right hand PLUS the rest of my birth family, my job, even my sense of national security, Santiago's was there to keep me grounded.

And then, 4 1/2 years ago, Be Well Bakery & Café opened, the dream of two audacious dreamers & a partner who believed in them.  Look at it now, moving into a space double the original.  Did I see this coming when they opened?  As if it had already happened.  In those early days, getting addicted to Maddie's Cheese Rolls, being pampered by the staff, marveling at Adriann & Ryan's seemingly endless energy flow, I'd look at the partially filled display case & think to myself, "Some day, every space in here will be maxed out."  I'd look around the room & think, "Some day, the line will be 10-deep waiting to place orders."

It happened, just as I'd foreseen.  And so much more.  It was where I - to my shock - mounted a summer-long photography show of shots of kids with cupcakes & other shots from Bryn Athyn Bounty Farm Market, which started at much the same time.  It's where John & I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary by presenting a joint art show.  It's where I became friends with first Brett, then Heather & the girls, which progressed to fire pits where we became friends with a former student who introduced me to The Greatest Salesman in the World, which is changing my life in ways I know will be awesome, just as I knew the success that would come to Be Well.  It's not a matter of making it happen, but of letting what already is make itself seen.

The space that housed Santiago's & Be Well - that is sacred space to me.  Hallowed things happened there that I could never have envisioned.  I became a more fully realized version of who I'd been, thanks to the safety & support, the nurturing friendships & the loving relationships that were forged & flourished. 

May there be a forever blessing on that sacred space, hallowed by all who sat sipped supped there, who waited outside for the door to open before taking his place by the window, who gathered there to gab away a good part of the morning, who worked quietly on computers or read the morning's newspaper, who greeted friends & pleasant acquaintances as they walked to the counter, who felt at home & pampered, well served & well fed.

Surely, the Lord was in that place. And it is forever in my heart.

Now - onward & upward!

Carpe Kairos!

Deep goosebumps as two books I'm reading collide in the most wondrous way! Creating Time took me deeper into understanding the quality of TIME described by the Greek word, Kairos.  Carry On, Warrior hooked me up with the wincingly spot-on term, Carpe Kairos.

Glennon Doyle Melton writes brilliantly about all the people - especially the little old ladies - who stop her in the store, at the mail, at the drycleaners to say how much they hope she is enjoying every moment of this time with her little ones, how precious it is.  "Carpe Diem!"  These messages often being delivered as she's trying to prevent her little ones from various forms of mayhem. 

Instead of Carpe Diem!, Glennon believes we should Carpe Kairos!

Funny, reading that less than 30 minutes after deciding to illustrate the relationship between Kairos (numinous time) with Kronos (sequential time).  To quote Creating Time, Kronos is the time of clocks and calendars; it can be quantified, measured...  Kairos is a time of festivals and fantasies;  it cannot be controlled or possessed.  Kairos is circular, dancing back & forth, here and there, without beginning or ending, and knows no boundaries.

The original art project I come up with to illustrate the interplay between Kairos & Kronos was to create a collage an image of Robin Williams dancing on top of a clock.  Over lunch, decided on two trapeze artists - the ropes & bars & even humans are Kronos, while the space they fly through going from one to another is the Kairos experience. 

Here is what Glennon says about Kairos & Kronos - - There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.

It's flying through space, from one bar to the next.  It's the moments we can't plan & never forget. 

I'm with Glennon - forget Carpe Diem.  Carpe Kairos!