Someone stopped me at the end of a presentation at last month's Leading to Well-Being Conference. Her mother-in-law had been hospitalized for a fall, her formerly very independent nature had been shaken by the event, and even though she was ready to return to her independent living residence, her independence had seriously shaken. What next steps did I recommend?
I looked into her eyes, filled with concern - for her mother-in-law, but also, understandably, for herself & her family. How might this fall & its aftermath uproot her life & theirs? She was a woman who was in charge of a government department, was used to going to experts & getting the answers she needed.
Looking at her, I was reminded of a good friend who, in her late 30s, was getting married for the first time. She was the total professional, successful in multiple fields, a very public face with a highly prized very private life. After her engagement was announced, people started asking all sorts of questions & volunteering every manner of advice on the wedding, getting married, pitfalls perils pleasures. It totally threw her for a loop. Even her closest friends recognized that her life was unusually compartmentalized - she had parties for business associates ~ or ~ her personal friends ~ or ~ members of her church choir, but she never ever mixed us. She'd kept her life separate, like a deck of cards organized in different suits. After several months of this, she was a frazzled mess & asked my advice because I was the only one she knew would give it to her straight. And I was a pretty good choice, because I actually did have a clue.
She was used to have all her cards in order. You can do that when you're single. But once you're married, those cards get flung up in the air & you spend the rest of your life playing 52 Pick Up. There's no getting those cards back into the perfect order that was possible in those simpler, single days.
Even now, I have no idea where I came up with that. I wasn't married, wasn't engaged, wasn't even dating - never had. But even now, decades after she married, that same friend makes a point every so often of thanking me, of saying that just when she thinks everything been put back into it previous order, the cards get whacked out of order & she back to playing 52 Pick Up.
Long story for explaining what I told the woman seeking my advice. Her situation is similar to my friend's. I couldn't tell my friend what to expect, just to expect it wouldn't be predictable & it certainly wouldn't be controllable. She had to play it by ear, by instinct.
In my experience, that's what people have to do when they're faced with a situation like the new friend at the conference. There are no easy answers. Find good folks to confide in. Bone up on whatever issues face your loved ones, whether it is teenager who's in a wheelchair due to an illness or accident, a sibling dealing with a long recovery, a parent trying to manage the rigors of aging. Be grateful we live in the era of internet searches. Find support groups - for yourself & others. Do the best you can & recognize your limits. Just because you might not be the right person to provide care doesn't mean you're in the wrong. There are no easy answers, ever. So, play it by ear, trust your instinct.
No comments:
Post a Comment