Over the weekend, I had the pleasure to hang out for a short while with a dear older friend - a pro bono playmate, rather than a client. We were happily shooting the breeze about favorite books.
Edging up into her mid-80s, she has deep background in a lot of authors that never crossed my path. She'd been talking about one in particular that she loved; not a super famous author but well-known enough for books to possibly be in the local library system.
Her daughter, who was passing through the room from the driveway, paused to spend a few moments with us. My older friend, all smiles, mentioned to the younger woman, "I'd love to check & see if the library can get a copy of...."
The daughter immediately gathered herself together, made a beeline toward the living room door, saying as she went, "I need to get my own research work together before being able to do anything." And was gone.
Her mom looked down at her hands, fumbled a bit with them, then over at me, tears in her eyes, and softly sighed, "How sharper than a viper's tooth..."
YOUCH!
Of course, I understand that the daughter is busy busy busy. And that it is can be taxing to have a parent living with you. Mom lived with me from the day I was born to the day she died, right here, in the room next to the computer studio.
Okay, so the daughter couldn't take the time to go online or give a call, or show her mom how to do either of those things. But she didn't have to dismiss her. All it would have taken was a moment, a few seconds to say, "I'd be happy to check that out for you. Right now, I am deep in research for a business project that needs to be done by Friday, but jot down the name of the book & I'll find out about it when I have a spare moment."
Sure, I could have stepped in & handled it, but that's not the sort of relationship we have & it's been apparent that it's not the sort of relationship the daughter wants me nurturing. If her mom had asked me to check it out - would have been honored. But she didn't. I am a good friend, but a daughter - that's different, that's something special.
Hey, when you take an older loved one into your house, you voluntarily place a truly awesome - in every sense of the word - responsibility placed on your shoulders. Yes, to make sure that he or she or they are safe, well-fed, feel secure & loved. But it goes past that - to help them feel valued, visible, worthwhile; to know in their bones, in the scariest places of their heart, that duty isn't the only reason they are with you. That the bond they've felt from your earliest moments of existence is fully returned.
How sharper than a serpent's tooth... When Shakespeare penned them, before they were said by countless Lears over the past 450+ years, parents had, for countless millennia, already harbored a version of those very words in their hearts.
Our call, as children or relatives or friends of older family members or loved ones, is to never ever have them said about us!
Credits:
en.wikipedia.org
thedancingrest.com
relatably.com
examiner.com
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