a long & winding road

There it was again - an unexpected ZING! of inspiration.  Working on clearing out a corner of the om studio, making room for yet another book case, had Adam Braun's TED Talk on The Five Phrases That Can Change Your Life playing in the background.  

It's a pretty amazing talk, full of things it would be easy to shrug off as outside my world, my reach.  "Not surprised he succeeds - his roots, opportunities & resources give him the edge over most others, certainly over me," might have ruefully flitted through my head.

But then I started noticing the similarities.  Here is someone who believes in that being in precarious, or at least unfamiliar, situations, whacking your way through them, helps stimulate creativity & out-of-the-blue inspiration.  

Okay, he put himself in those places voluntarily, whereas I was repeatedly thrust into them, but it comes out to the same thing.  Realizing that your education is only beginning when you get that diploma or degree.  That most of what we need to succeed in life, to make a difference in the lives of others, isn't taught at Brown University or Bryn Athyn College.


What kept rambling 'round my brain through the rest of that day was that his #1 reason for working at Bain Capital was to get experience at starting a non-profit, which turned out to be Pencils of Promise.  What he did from conscious will, I got through what LOOKED like haphazard fate - the business background to create meaningful change, to put a structure around what might otherwise be pipe dreams.

The #1 thing that I took from Adam's TED Talk was how he intentionally put himself in the way of the uncontrolled, unexpected, unimagined, leaving himself open the whole way for the AH HA! moment he was sure would come.  And it did, in an unlikely place, from an unlikely source, thanks to an unlikely opportunity.  

My business experience - infinitely infinitesimal compared to Adam's - was unsought, yet now invaluable.  I'm certainly not a master of business systems, but - thanks to working at US Healthcare, Prudential, BISYS - am aware of them, of their importance.  Each business opportunity contributed to a foundation on which to build-out projects as dear to my heart as Pencils for Progress is to Adam - - creating a fresh awareness of the importance & power of aging naturally. 

Without those unsought, invaluable experiences under my belt, I'd flounder at how to make a reality of my Senior "Values Visions Dreams" Project ~or~ Cyber Access for the Technically Timid, at putting together a discussion circle fleshing out Nurturing A 5th Commandment Mindset.  My musings on writing Badass Grandma (my tribute to Mom's funky, fabulous spirit) or Gram-FAM-boly! or  Cooper, Keeper of the Gardens would be mere flights of fantasy.  

The life I have in 2016 is light years from anything I expected in 1976 - infinitely more astonishing, full of wonder & magic, every moment offering the promise of more, much more.  This long & winding road the Universe has set me on is beyond the beyond in all it offers.  

It's true that Adam Braun started out his adult life with mind-boggling advantages - an elite education, money, contacts, opportunities.  How easy it would be to think, "If I had his life..."  Praise be, I have my own, one that comes with some pretty WOW advantages that are mine, all mine.  

My thanks to Adam for helping me appreciate anew all that I've gained from an unexpected quarter century in Corporate America, from learning the language of systems, the importance of quantifying & putting firm foundations under dreams so they can become reality.

It's impossible to express how it feels looking back at my often perilous long & winding road, looking at the ground on which I stand at this moment, to peer down toward the next horizon.  

Cyber Access for the Technically Timid (CATT) - making accessing the Internet, Facebook, Skype, blogging as simple for the aging & elderly as sitting next to a friend

Values Visions Dreams - a template for connecting to present day values, composing a Vision Statement, drawing up & pursuing dreams

Nurturing a 5th Commandment Mindset - a multi-faith discussion circle considering the meaning & ramifications of "Honor your father & your mother that your days may be long & prosperous" 

Badass Grandma - a tribute to my complex, exasperating, inspiring & flat-out astonishing mother, Katharine Reynolds Lockhart

Gram-FAM-Boly! - a collection of fun things to do while visiting older friends or family that bridges ages & interests

Cooper, Keeper of the Gardens - a children's story set in the gardens of the sweet cathedral high on a hill in my little hometown 

Enjoying working my way down that

long & winding road

that's my life!

from sob to solutions

Woke up this morning to a sense that Mom visited my dreams last night - and kicked my butt for being so down in the dumps about our woeful culture around aging!  Yep, woke up with a fresh resolve to STOP looking at the awfuls & start looking for SOLUTIONS, for remedies to help transform this sorry mess into a healthier mindset about growing old, falling apart, about the blessings we only gain through the breakdown of our apparent material self & the affirmation of our true spiritual being.  

Went rummaging through the postings of her 2000-2001 e-mails sent to a devoted dist list (pre-blogging).  Sharing part of what Mom wrote in The Velveteen Grammie, a cobbling together of bits & pieces from her posts into an alumni magazine article:

Of course, there is the fear of dependency.  In January, I was diagnosed with acute degenerative arthritis of the right shoulder.  Nothing can be done  to alleviate the condition.  It will get progressively worse and worse.  Luckily, aside from the pain, the only effect at the moment is that I cannot  get out of bed without a helping hand.  Still, instead of being a custodial  parent, I am the one needing care.  That took me down a peg at first, but  dependency has turned out to have unique blessings.  

 

A passage from the book Still Here expresses my experience over the past year  - "When there is  true surrender and service between people, the roles of helper and helped,  and the boundaries between those in power and those who are powerless, begin  to dissolve."  That has been my experience with my daughter and son-in-law and with, it seems, most of the other people in my life - the old limiting  boundaries have begun to dissolve.

 

 

 

Lots of things I loved to do are just memories.  Instead of gearing up into  depression over what is no longer, I find it simpler to shift perspective.  Picture going to a favorite restaurant and ordering a favorite dish, only to  told it is no longer on the menu.   There are two choices - get in a funk  over what is not available or grab the opportunity to check over the menu for something new.  

 

My personal menu of possibilities seems like one of the  oversized diner menus.  There are many things that my physical condition  keep me from doing, but there are a lot of new experiences just waiting to be  given a whirl.  On the physical level, life stinks.  On almost every other  level - emotional, mental, spiritual -  the world is my oyster and every  month has an R!

 

 

 

A friend urged me to write about old age and make all the younger folks  envious of us Ancients.  Growing old, even some of its sadder aspects,  is part of the Lord's grand scheme.  Let go of time-bound prejudices and fears  of growing older.  Marianne Williamson says that to get to the light, a  person has to work through the darkness.    In middle and early old age, life  can seem dark and scary as we move out of the familiar into the unknown.   Work through it toward the light.

 

A key lesson learned over the past few years is that even unhappy events can  bring unexpected opportunities.  Going back to Margery Williams book, if the Boy had not gotten sick, if the beloved but germ-infested Rabbit was not doomed to be burned, if he had not been able to wriggle a bit to get out the sack,  if great sadness had not caused a real tear to trickle down his shabby velvet nose, the Rabbit would  not have come at that time into the fullness of being REAL.  

 

~  ~  ~  ~  

 

Am chagrined to realize how bogged down I've gotten in frustration over the mess that is instead of gearing up to shatter the present status quo, to stir everyone's wild & crazy energies, incite all & sundry to flip way out of the box & to find...  whatever!

 

Spent the last few years reveling in being a life expansionist.  Time to let out the general instigator chomping at the bit to be let loose.

"Growing old, even some of its sadder aspect, is part of the Lord's grand scheme.  Let go of time-bound prejudices & fears  of growing older.  Marianne Williamson says that to get to the light, a  person has to work through the darkness.    In middle and early old age, life  can seem dark & scary as we move out of the familiar into the unknown.   Work through it toward the light."  ~ ~   Mom - message received.  Mind & heart & energies engaged.  Refocused on making it so!

 

Saddest words of tongue or pen...

 
Wishing, on this chilly grey morning, that this posting could be bright & sunny, uplifiting & optimistic.  Be forewarned - it isn't.

Had a strange, somewhat embarrassing situation yesterday.  Heard about the health woes of a dear friend from a 3rd party who had NO idea I was in the dark about the sweet woman's condition.  

"Oh," she said, "I just know what's what from her daughter's many Facebook updates."

Small wonder I was clueless - the daughter apparently unfriended me.  Probably around the time I spoke truth to her power one too many times.  Our her mother have happened.  From what I heard, she's had several medical scares, with various trips to the emergency room.  The subject came up because I'd discovered, apparently by accident, that she'd been hospitalized.  Had mentioned it to the mutual friend, thinking she didn't know.  Ha! 

Our older friend might have ended up right where she is even if John & I had been part of her care team, but it's equally true that being part of her life might have forestalled her rapid decline.

Rapid, indeed.  This time last year, she was living a fully independent life, in the home she & her spouse had taken from a fixer-upper to a showcase of friendly welcomes.  Although there were friends across, up & down the street, the large wooded property with a beautiful stretch of lawn was fairly rural.  She had daily exercise, walking around the house, up & down the flight of steps from the social area to her bedroom & writing studio, as well as braving the double flight of steps up from her charming brick terrace to her car.  

She took delight in taking her beloved pooch out for rides - how that dog loves being in the passenger side, his adored human at the wheel! - and watching him cavort around the back lawn.  She did her own shopping, made her own meals.  

She was a vibrant part of a wonderful circle of friends, a vital member of her church &  faithfully attended its women's group's monthly discussion suppers, never missed her weekly lunch with a group of former colleagues.

This time last year, the expectation was that John & I would sort of stand in for all she was leaving, once she moved up here to live with her daughter.  The move was not voluntary on anyone's part - she was increasingly fragile, the steps were a constant worry to the rest of us if not to her, she was (although she'd never admit it) having trouble driving.  It was time to move from the home & town she'd loved for 50+ years.

Her daughter stepped up to the plate when it was clear that moving into a full-service senior residence meant losing her dog, which would have broken her heart.  That dog is her closest companion, her confidante, in many ways her current reason for being. 

Today, that amazing pooch is very much my friend's lifeline to a former self she doesn't feel exists any more.

It's been 8+ months since she moved up from her home.  She's now many miles from all she's known & loved for half a century.  Her daughter & family took great precautions to ensure that every aspect of her room would help compensate for her increasingly fragile health.  No expense was spared on refitting the home for an elderly person.  But it's not the same, not even close.

And what was supposed to help bridge the two worlds - hanging out with John & yours truly - quickly unraveled.  Unfortunately for that partnership, her daughter includes certain duties as part of the criteria for being on her mother's care partner team.  Be responsible for administering meds, do light housework & walk the dog, including the family's LARGE Bernese Mountain dog. That left me out of the care partner team.  

First, I don't administer meds.  It's not being persnickety - neither John nor I have any experience in having to administer them, since both our mothers handled their own meds right up to their passings at 87 & 91.  It's a risk I am not willing to take on, not for myself, not for John.  

But it felt like the biggest obstacle was balking at the light housework & dog walking.  First off, the skills I bring to the table have nothing to do with emptying & reloading the dishwasher, sweeping the floor & walking the dogs.  There were other able-bodied family members around who could hand those tasks.  They didn't want to.  

Unfortunately, what I offered in the way of life expansionist skills were not enough.  So, we were out.  Oh, there was the rare friend-to-friend rare meal out, but that was it.  We offered to do living room Fred & Ginger film festivals, continue introducing her to writer friends & pleasant acquaintances, take trips up the River Road & down to Longwood Gardens, but those things never materialized.  No blogging sessions, no legacy coaching.  All of which we offered to do unpaid, as friends.  Nothing came of it.  Instead, everything her daughter & I had  planned eight months ago  - gone.

The thing that took me most by surprise was the daughter's adamant - at least to me - belief that her mother wasn't experiencing any trauma.  To hear her tell it, everything went smoothly, her mother had managed the transition without a hitch, was snug & happy in her new town.  No problems here!

Seriously.  She seemed to flinch at even a suggestion that her mother might be feeling isolated, in strange surroundings, without the circle of friends who enriched every day, without familiar resources around her.  Within less than a year, she had lost her driver's license, her home, her town, her friends.  She went from a 9-room house with spacious grounds to a single room with a fully-equipped for handicap access bathroom, her primary social space a small strip between the kitchen & windows facing the driveway & house next door.  Her life shrank from unbounded to severely restricted.  Sure - "No problems here!"  

How could there not be massive emotionally trauma, as well as mental & physical reverberations?  What she does on a daily basis in April 2016 can't begin to compare with all that filled her life back in 2016.  

Am I surprised to discover my friend's health took a nosedive since the late summer?  Hardly.  Her life had been turned upside down  & inside out & the people who could have helped set it right were certain that all was well, no need for help here, thank  you.  

Would it have made a difference if things had gone according to the original plan, with John & yours truly providing life expanding interaction every day, getting her out walking to this place or that, providing opportunities for her to meet people who shared similar interests, if there had been those 'round the fire place poetry readings or family room film festivals?  Maybe yes, maybe no. My bet is on yes.

It's a matter of physiology as much as psychology.  If we go from fairly active to basically inactive, the muscular system of a typical middle age adult will decline in a couple months, faster with the aged & elderly.  While the daughter took great care to ensure her mother got weekly physical therapy appointments, she but didn't seem to realize the essential impact getting out & about as part of a normal day has on our aerobic conditioning.   

Yes, the daughter encouraged her mother to take daily walks around her new neighborhood, which would have provided some of the whole body exercise we all need.  What she didn't realize was that taking those walks, around an unfamiliar territory with unfamiliar faces, drove home how far she was from where she had been.  On many levels.  

Am quite heartbroken that our dear friend has been having health issues requiring hospital care.  We are sad at being clueless about her stay(s?), because we would have visited.  I am grief-struck that nothing I said or suggested made any difference.  

The only up side, as I've posted before, is that this situation has given me insights into complications of elder care that wouldn't have come up if an ideal path had been trod.  I've learned quite a bit about the importance of whole body exercise - crucial at any age, essential as we get up there in years.  I've seen the impact of someone who is absolutely positively sure she already knows everything there is to know about a complex & challenging life scenario.  

There's no knowing for sure if things had gone to original plan, our friend might be relatively hale & heart, beginning to genuinely feel more at home in her new surroundings.  Maybe yes, maybe no.  As mentioned earlier, am inclined to think yes.  My guess is her daughter would say no.   

Oh, the pang of what might have been.  The saddest words of tongue or pen...

The original!

I worry about worry-free living

For years, have been bugged by "full-services senior lifestyle residences" advertising.  One of the top tier senior residences near us offers "worry-free" - none of their need fret about yard work or cleaning, food shopping or cooking. It's all done for them.

Well, their idea of heavenly is my concept of hell. 

Where is the purpose of living when everything is done for you?  Women who took pride in their housekeeping & home-making, men who puttered with the family cars & kept their yards in Longwood-esque shape, suddenly have NOTHING to do with their time.  Doing those things might sound like drudgery, but they fill our hours, form part of our reason for being.  Imagine it  gone.  In the name of our own good.  

Imagine your typical day.  What did you do over the past 24 hours?  

Since yesterday morning, I helped John gather up & take out the trash, roasted tomatoes & onions for a vegetable compote, worked in my computer studio, wrote two blog postings, visited my online community & circle of friends, read three books, sent a couple e-mails, fed the cats, put some time on my "Senior Values-Vision-Dreams Project," made several phone calls, set up a coffee date next week with a buddy, took a grannie client out to dinner & back to her senior residence where we colored butterflies while listening to the local jazz station.  

That is a pretty typical day for me.  And it didn't include making lunch or supper, any housework.  While the elderly couldn't do a fraction of those things, they need to DO that fraction, an opportunity many who could don't get.  

I wish it was possible to put into words the frustration that haunts me with how we view "best practices" elder care.  It feels to me like the opposite of what is needed.  Where is the sense of purpose?  Where is even an understanding that HAVING a sense of genuine purpose is vital for the health & well-being of every single one of us?  

How can we get our older & elderly friends feeling that essential-for-well-being sense of genuine purpose?  We need to think way out of the box to ways they can feel needed, productive, contributing.   

It doesn't help that they live in such age-segregated communities.  What could be some options to that?

A body in motion tends to stay in motion, a body at rest tends to stay at rest.  While it's a lot easier to manage a bunch of bodies at rest, it does not serve them.  How can we nudge those passive bodies into the active state that is essential for their health?

Worry-free living worries me.  Human beings need concerns, we need problems to resolve & daily duties to keep our minds active, our hands busy, our bodies moving.  I don't have an answer to who we can turn around this miserable culture we've created over the past 50 years around aging, but I know it's got to be questioned, challenged.  A place to start is to break down the factors around aging & how its currently approached in the good ol' USA.  

When I grow old, my hope isn't for a worry-free life.  My hope is to age out of this existence the way my mother, my mother-in-law, most of my elderly friends did - bidding farewell to a life that was purpose-filled to the end.  

That's it - in a nutshell, how do we get from worry-free to purpose-filled?  Because THAT life is sure worth living!