...eliminate the negative, hold onto the affirmative - don't mess with Mr. In-between!
Those words to a popular tune from years gone by are as true today as they were when first sung by B-B-B-Bing Crosby & the Andrews Sisters in the '40s.
Was reminded of those words yesterday, trying to sort out a messy tax situation created by people who THINK they are oh-so-positive, but who are, in my experience, anything but. And I am offering up thanks that I realized many months ago that they were not having a positive impact on my life & stepped away from them, much as it broke my heart, since both John & I are crazy about the older person whose well-being is in their hands.
It's my heart & soul belief that we are meant to do whatever we can to reduce the negative influences in our lives & the reverse - to realize there will be folks who experience US as negative in theirs & have to do a similar step back. (Realizing it was a fractious match & taking ourselves out of the care partner picture might have been as welcome to as it was for us!)
That can seem counter-intuitive, even fiscally foolhardy. We dropped our beloved friend as a client because of an incompatible work vibe with his primary care partner. Sacrificing a significant income stream seemed looney tunes to our financial advisor, but it seemed at the time & has played out since as a canny move, spelling spelled out to the Universe, in no uncertain terms, "this is NOT the sort of opportunities we need."
All too many times, fear of the here & now impact can keep people from making what plays out as the right choice in the long run. They settle for the less than acceptable because of fear the alternative might be worse.
It seems to me that being older and/or having older loved ones, puts us in a place where taking the risk to stand up for not accepting the flagrantly bad or even the woefully mediocre. Maybe that's why older people & folks who find themselves dependent on others need advocates willing to kick up a fuss in order to increase the positive, reduce the negatives in a loved one's or client's lives.
What a difference it would have made in my mother's life if someone was involved in her care support, whose only interest was what was best for her. If nothing else, it would have given Mom someone she knew was totally committed to her, to her well being, with no other agenda, while the benefit to us would have been having a Mom advocate free to speak up if s/he saw a situation that needed addressing.
Am wistful, thinking about the older friend who is still in our hearts, even if we are no longer in her family's employ. When I started working with them, the impression was that her children were looking for my insights as well as our care support. Made sense - this was the first time they were responsible for an older parent with some health challenges. Instead, they were adamant that they already knew all there was to know about helping their beloved parent live as expansively as she could, in spite of being wrenched from the fixer-upper home she'd transformed into a sanctuary, nestled in a town many miles from where she is now, devoid of the close-at-hand network of friends & support she'd built over 50 years.
To make matter worse, the support they ultimately sought from me was the very sort I'm very poor at or flat-out refuse to provide, such as coordinating meds. Coordinating meds might seem a minor task; it's anything but & neither of us have any experience in it. Both John's mother, who died at 87, & mine, who slipped from us at 91, aced handling their own medications. And we have NO experience providing basic care, since neither of our mothers needed such support. Both were seriously older, both were elders, but neither - to their dying day - were elderly!
Praise be, I'm been upfront & crystal clear in what strikes me as my calling card strengths. For years, "You've heard of 'in-home' care? I do get-'em-out-of-home' care!" has been my professional patter. That's my strength & guiding light. When an elderly client arrived at a point where he needed more on-site services, less outs & abouts, I had no qualms stepping back so someone with the relevant strengths could step up. It meant losing income, but was the right thing to do.
At 64 years old, I have neither the time nor the inclination to settle for anything less than doing what taps into my strengths.
Another one of my strengths is my willingness to take risks. I've known residents at a senior living community who have been loathe to bring up to the powers-that-be problems they are having with the facility or - even touchier - with staff. They don't want to take the risk. I've known older friends who don't talk to their children about things that need attention because they fear being a bother. They don't want to take the risks. I've know children who are balk at talking to administrators where older loved ones live about concerns OR to their older loved ones about situations that need addressing. They don't want to take the risks.
Maybe two of the greatest strengths I bring to my work with oldsters & their families is my belief in accentuating the positive by reducing/eliminating the negative ~ and ~ my lifelong comfort with taking risks that will get us to a better outcome. Had never thought about that, at least in those terms, before.
Started writing this posting as an appreciation for having stepped away once I saw the red flags waving, distanced us from a situation where the strengths we offer were not the ones sought. What we offer treasured older friends & their loved ones was clearly not a good match for that family. Sticking around would not have served us, would not have served them, although I believe it would have served the one person who should be the focal point in all of this - their parent.
If wishes were horses, then beggers would ride. A well-remembered Momism! Just because we wish something, doesn't make it so. I woke up this morning wishing wishing wishing that the vibe between us & our cherished older friend's family had been positive.
John & I, in an early morning snuggle, talked about what we'd envisioned back in the summer, before she'd moved up here, back even in the late fall ~ regular rambles around her new territory with occasional forays down to her old stomping grounds, a weekly in-home movie fest watching & discussing her favorite flicks (especially ones new to us), fireside poetry readings in the living room, dinner parties & other social hobnobbing, lunches introducing her to writer & teacher friends (she was a college professor), even a living room reader's theater featuring one of her favorite plays. Those were our wishes, but they were not meant to be.
Even now, writing this, am filled with a wistful sense of "If only..." But nothing could be done, except realize that sorry reality turned out to be light years from what could have been, what we could have helped make happen, even if on a considerably smaller scale than our grand hopes.
Yesterday, realizing how badly they'd bungled a basic financial situation, was deeply grateful for having stepped away months ago. Yes, it breaks my heart all over again, hearing about how little the cherished older friend does on a regular basis, knowing that a body at rest tends to stay at rest. But our presence wouldn't have made things any better, at least in the long run. The ones who make the difference - the younguns in the household - still think they've got things totally down pat.
Going to shake off the blues that seem draped over my shoulders, get out there into the day, look forward to having breakfast with my hubster at our favorite spot, head over the river to Lambertville, enjoy a ramble, get in some solid hours putting in work on my path forward, then take a grannie client out on a late afternoon drive to see the BEAUTIFUL spring flowers, capped off with dinner & dessert at a delightful diner where the staff makes her feel like a queen.
I've got to accentuate the positive, continue to do what I can to eliminate the negative, hold onto the affirmative & don't ever miss with Mr. In-between!
No comments:
Post a Comment