Huffington Post's Senior Editor has a dandy posting on the five types of friends "worth holding onto for dear life." Shelley Emling brings up some points I recently discussed with my prosperity coach, the great Jane Kerschner.
It's possible Jane feels I set myself up for disappointment by setting too high a bar for friendship due to my belief that the gold standard of a great friendship is how well we help each other become our version possible, which admittedly varies from day to day.
One quality Shelley highlights is being up for anything. The ones who will go to see A Chorus Line, on Broadway, on a work night - and you live in Philadephia. The housemate who gets out of bed at midnight so you can a) rave or b) rant about your a) fabulous or b) atrocious date. Who sends plane tickets so you can fly 2/3 of the way across country for a weekend visit. Who doesn't laugh at your plan to drive down to Cape Kennedy to watch a Saturn rocket take off for the moon then turn around & come straight back.
Another quality - those folks who make time for you, even when they're busy. Or were fast asleep when you called up about that a) fabulous or b) atrocious date. Who don't slam down the phone when you call them at 3:35 a.m. asking to borrow their van because your Mom is headed for the ER after a fall & you meant to get gas first thing in the morning & are not sure there's enough in the tank to get to Holy Redeemer - who hand over the keys without question, just a big hug. The ones who show up at your art show opening or come see your stand-up routine or applaud you in The Gondoliers, even though the shows might be hours away. Who - out of the 40 people invited - was among the perfect six who showed up at Shanachie to celebrate my 60th birthday.
Friends who are genuinely happy for me when something good happens. Actually, I can't imagine being anything but, even for a pleasant acquaintance, whether it is a windfall, a great job opportunity, finding true love or losing weight. Can't imagine even a smidgen of bitterness if a friend gets a book contract before I do, if she slims down to a size 12 while I still at LargeXX, who has grounded kids & wonderful in-laws. John & I have friends who've been dear to my heart since my college days, who are blessed with a terrific marriage & strong partnership, whose kids are delightful, interesting, accomplished in their own ways, who enjoy & nurture a 4-generation family, who are pretty outstanding in their professions & treasured in their friendships. Just writing that, thinking about them & all they have done, all they have touched - how can it not bring a smile to my face!
Interesting thing about the fourth quality, friends who are upbeat ~ over two years, 2006-2008, friends who seemed to draw out my own negativity, people with whom I was a Debbie Downer, jnaturally dropped out of my life. We just stopped connecting. The friends who are in my life right now are, whatever their age & through no conscious design on my part, ones who help showcase my best side, the best side of others, of life.
I suspect that Jane & I might disagree about the last quality noted in Shelley's posting - honesty. I got the impression that Jane thought I set that bar a trifle high, so it was reassuring to see it included. Shelley acknowledges that the loyal & true & HONEST friend may be the hardest to find make keep. My most treasured friend, who lives a great distance from us, called up after getting a letter from me with some casual reference to the state of the house. She talked to me about the importance of getting a grip on my wretched house cleaning habits, offering suggestions on ways to get my act together. I could have gotten in a huff - she has a housecleaner for her LARGE beautiful abodee, but I remember all the years she kept her far far tinier homes clean, that she has help because she & her husband are kept mega busy doing work that serves their community. The fact is that as soon as we said out goodbyes, I burst into tears of joy & overwhelming gratitude. No one had ever cared enough about my welfare to be reach out with such words of tough love support. Even now, years later, I remember the whooooosh! of amazed joy that someone CARED enough to be honest & open, knowing it might not go well. Having the courage & caring to honest - - to me, the greatest hallmark of friendship. As Shelley put it, "If you find someone who will tell you the truth, in an honest attempt to help, never let them go."
And, I would add, let them know. Write them a letter. Yes, a letter - writing paper, ink, envelopes, stamp. Your hand writing. Include a photo of the two of you or a recent snapshot or your kids grandkids furbabies. Let them know what's happening in your life. Don't make getting a reply a touch stone for whether they care. My dearest friends write three times a year - on my birthday, on John's, at Christmas. Tucked into cards are two hand-written letters from from him & from her. If we got a letter in response to one I sent at any other time of year, it would be cause for concern!
My friendship experience is different from a lot of folks I know. My friendship circle started growing relatively late in life - in my upper 30s. For whatever wonderful reason, friendships rooted back in my childhood years started resurfacing in my 50s. My work with people interested in as expansively as possible, my Saturday mornings as The Cupcake Lady at the local farm market, my afternoons hanging with toddlers - tweens so their parents can do what they gotta do - my circle includes all ages!
Finding myself thinking about the family of an older friend & client. I think about how her children made the conscious effort to bring the five qualities of friendship that Shelley spotlights into their 90+ year old mother's life. They've taken care to ensure she has people with her who are up for anything, who are happy to make time for her (even when they're busy), who are happy for her when something wonderful happens, who are upbeat & who are honest.
Interesting, coming across this article today. Just yesterday, for the first time in many months, maybe in a year, this dear client asked, "How's Macy doing?" My client has serious memory challenges. She's always up for the next moment of joy, but has no space in those moments for things like time & days of the week & facts like Macy passed several years ago. When I explained that Macy, her best of all BFFs, was gone, she wasn't sad - instead, we talked about the qualities for friendship the two of them had shared, that still light up Anne's life with priceless memories.
Shelley talked about heading off for a girls' only weekend with longtime friends, "the kind of girlfriends that see you through all of life’s milestones." I am not a girls' weekend type, but - after reading her posting, after Anne's question about Macy - am looking forward to a long leisurely Sunday of writing long-over due notes, of making a few phone calls to see how Janina's doing, to check up on Debra, to ask Candy to search through her things for photos of each of her grandchildren for me to have on the fridge.
Wrapping this up, getting ready to head out with my bestest buddy of all - JOHN - am hoping I can be as good a friend to my golden circle as they are to me.
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