Sweet childish days

This plot of orchard-ground is ours;
My trees they are, my Sister's flowers;
Here rest your wings when they are weary;
Here lodge as in a sanctuary!
Come often to us, fear no wrong;
Sit near us on the bough!
We'll talk of sunshine and of song,
And summer days, when we were young;
Sweet childish days, that were as long
As twenty days are now.

From To a Butterfly, by William Wordsworth

The other day, sitting in the lovely public rooms of a local senior residence, waiting to whisk a grannie client off to lunch, on a bright sparkly day made more precious by the forecast of today's cold gloom, I spotted an older friend settled in by the dancing flames of the "Club Room" fireplace, talking with a lovely smile on her face to the woman seated across from her - a home health care aid.  

In an instant, I was awash with a fresh awareness that no matter how much that other, younger woman might take delight in the older woman's  presence, enjoy their talks, she has no connection with her, no sense of her as she was before arriving at Rydal Park.  

Oh, to do a "Vulcan Mind Meld," so that I could know my grannie clients'  memories of childhood, young adulthood, the long stretch from then to now, all the momentous & mundane moments over that span!  

Praise be for a life that at least encouraged me to ramble.  A lot of the people I've come to know through my grannie clients come from other places, other states.  In most cases, I have some connection with where they were born or grew up or lived at some time.  

Like most of my grannie clients, the particular older friend I was taking out grew up in the same town that I did, so I at least  have some sense of the people she talks about from her youth & older age.  It makes her smile that I not only know that JAM stands for Jane Anne Macy, best of friends throughout those sweet childish days & beyond, but that I personally knew them from my own childhood through present day, that Jane's son was a good friend of my brother's, that Macy's daughter has a special place in my own heart.  But see JAM as they were in elementary school, in high school, as young marrieds & new moms?  That sight is beyond me.

As my g.c. & I tootled to Bonnet Lane for lunch, it dawned on me that there IS a place where a grannie client can connect - however lightly, however briefly - with childhood friends!  

My hometown's senior residence was designed to be an apartment complex, not a life enrichment residence like where my older friend lives.  BUT it does have a catered dinner twice a week, and non-residents can attend.  

Let that sink in ~ there is an opportunity for a beloved older friend to connect with friends from her own sweet childish days.  And I haven't been taking it.  That has GOT to change!  

Too late for tonight to take my older friend, as my guest, to dinner at our hometown senior residence.  Next Tuesday!   At least three of her high school classmates live there, at least two cousins around her age, no idea how many schoolmates  & longtime friends.  

Make it happen, because this stanza from To a Butterfly could have been about still-with-us friends from Anne's own "sweet childish days": 

Stay near me - do not take thy flight!
A little longer stay in sight!
Much converse do I find in thee,
Historian of my infancy!
Float near me; do not yet depart!
Dead times revive in thee:
Thou bring'st, gay creature as thou art!
A solemn image to my heart,
My father's family!

Longevity Revolution

Excellent TED talk by Jane Fonda.  What she says is spot on.  Yet, the reality in today's general culture is that as longevity has increased, the age our performance-focused culture identifies 62 - 55 - 50 as the entry to "senior citizen" status.

There's work to be done - rolling up my sleeves! 

Deev - saving my best lines for the third act.

Amazing Grace

Five years ago, for half a school year, I taught American history - from the First Nations to the Dred Scott Decision - leaving me with a fresh awareness that remains to this day.  

Fascinating, teaching history to at-risk high school students, kids whose authority contacts are parole officers, not parents.  If  I'd been taught history the same way I was a zillion years ago, I would have presented a strictly European-American version to predominantly African-American & Hispanic teens.  A challenge that thrilled moved changed me.

A few days ago, as we walked through the Warminster Shop Rite, John picked up a $2.99 dvd from a bin of yellow-enveloped, cut-price films.  

It was Amazing Grace.  

I looked at the movie, then at John, not quite believing my eyes.  He had no idea what he was holding, it was just the first at hand.  

In spite of being about English history, it was a film I'd shown my students.  It's the story of William Wilberforce.  For 18 years, he marked the opening of parliment by introducing a doomed-to-fail bill outlawing the slave trade, a bill that flew in the face of Great Britain's most powerful economic interests.  For 17 years, it was voted down.  The 18th time, in 1807, it passed.  It passed because of his sheer determination & committed energies & unflagging purpose.  

It made absolutely no sense that Parliment would ever disregard financial interests to pass a wholly ethical moral right bill.  Still, it happened.

For all of my adult life, I wondered if - had I been alive in the 1930s - I would have spoken out about the largely known but ignored events in Germany, even if it meant friends turned away from me.  Over the past six years, I've had the unexpected opportunity to do just that.  

After teaching that scant half year, it's been impossible for me to get past the realization that our nation is founded on great ideals, but established on the backs of slaves (plantations in the south, shipping magnets & slave traders in the north) & expanded by obliterating the rights of the very people who were here long before Europeans.  Who stood up to protest, refused to turn a blind eye? Would I have been one of those, or one of the countless highly moral, totally blind others who simply made them matters of no interest?

Watching the film tonight, the parallels between the two of us are unmistakeable.  Wilberforce fought an uphill battle with his hands shackled in the grip of a largely disinterested citizenry.  In working to overhaul how America approaches elder care, I am fighting an uphill battle, my hands tied by softer cords, but just as restricting.  

The way our country currently provides for the aging, the ill, the injured & disabled - especially the aging - is not done from any blatant disregard for olders or dependent others, but because it is what the powers that be, great & small, deem necessary for society to remain highly functional.  That makes as much sense to people today as maintaining the slave trade to keep Britain mighty did 200 years ago. 

By all accounts, Wilberforce was a man possessed.  The odds of success mattered less to him than the cause.  Eighteen years of introducing the same bill, 17 years of seeing it voted down.  He had a vision, he - and others - believed the time was right, if he had the fortitude determination grit to push on.

John Newton, the former slave ship captain who became a preacher & wrote Amazing Grace, says - "God sometimes does His work with gentle drizzle, not storms. Drip. Drip. Drip."  

Making a genuine change in America's elder care culture won't happen with a mighty wind, fierce rains & great flashes of lightning, but through a gentle drizzle - drip drip drip.  This corner, then that, everyone who feels the call doing everything he or she can.   When enough of us keep doing that, year after year after year, the drizzle will swell into a flowing stream then a rushing river & finally a swollen flood of change.  

Which brings me to another line from the film, this time from William Pitt the Younger - "We're too young to realize certain things are impossible. Which is why we will do them anyway."  

The same is true of older age, after time & experience show us that the impossible happens all the time, if people hold on long enough to the impractical irrational outrageous for it to become accepted adopted ordinary. 

It took William Wilberforce 18 years to abolish the slave trade, to convince Parliment that what is right sometimes has to take precedence over what is convenient.  How long will it take me - and others - to convince America to toss out the convenient elder culture for the right responsible humane?

the anxious elderly

It was not a surprise to learn how many of my older friends watch television in the same way I reach for a bowl of mac & cheese - - it's comforting.  It's not so comforting knowing that most of those older friends have the dial turned to Fox News, where it stays all day.  

Disturbing, but not surprising.  

That's what Fox was designed to do.

Background:
Roger Ailes, the power behind Fox, got his start right in my own back yard.  As Executive Producer of The Mike Douglas Show, he took it from locally-produced to nationwide syndication.  When it was still in Philly, Ailes had a discussion about television in politics with one of the show's guests - Richard Nixon.  In spite of his drubbing in the 1960 televised debate, Nixon still considered the medium a gimmick;  Ailes held the opposite opinion.  Ailes served as Nixon's media consultant from then on, helping shift him from stiff & distant to more likeable & accessible.  
 
Nixon's victory moved Ailes directly into the big leagues.  In 1969, he founded Ailes Communications, Inc., working with business, politicians and - perhaps most importantly - the entertainment industry.  A powerhouse threesome.
 
On the political side, he was a heavy-hitting consultant for many Republican candidates, credited with helping Ronald Reagan after a disastrous first debate.  He teamed up with Lee Atwater to guide George H. W. Bush to victory.  

By the late 1990s, he'd shifted from highly successful, paid political consultant to behind-the-scenes, even more powerful advisor.  
 

No one knew product placement & consumers better than Roger Ailes.

He recognized that the men & women of his Baby Boomer generation - especially the men - yearned for the country of a distant, rosy-hued yesteryear.  He created a home station for them, going with simple & familiar rather than sophisticated & cutting edge.  A place where the viewer was assured of always finding outspoken manly men & beautiful blondes.  

Fox openly catered to the disenfranchised & disenchanted, the people - especially men - who had lost faith in their once most treasured institutions.  Television - and Fox - would be something on which they could still rely to let them know America is #1, that there were people who cared about their best interests, who could be counted on to trash power figures & other elites while it elevated the common man.  

Ailes was a natural to take Fox from a glimmer in Rupert Murdoch's eye to full-fledged reality.  Both men were out less to report the news as much as to influence & shape its targeted viewers' perception of national & world events.  

In that, Roger Ailes has been spectacularly successful.  His network is far & away the most watched (more viewers than the two nearest competitors combined).  His political pundits  & commentators are unabashedly partisan, yet the network gets away with it's assuring "Fair & Balanced" motto.  No small accomplishment.  This is not a network devoted to informing people, but to making people feel informed.  And feeling like they have a balanced view of national & world events. 

How fair & balanced is Fox News?  A lot of people scoff at that or at anyone seriously thinking The O'Reilly Factor offers a "no spin" zone.  I think most of Fox Nation utterly believe get the straightest of straight scoops, that all other media outlets are hopelessly compromised, while Fox remains pure & true to its principles.  (In the last, I totally concur that it has.) 

Cause to be anxious?
My older friends have good reason to feel anxious.  Some came of age & all  grew up in a period of unprecedented prosperity.  America beat the Nazis, defeated the Japanese, became the world's greatest economic power, landed a man on the Moon.  

How was it possible to have experienced all that, dreamed all the fabulous dreams of retirement glory, only to face post-2008 America, with its stock market calamities, dark forces on the march abroad, an increasingly colorful electorate, a love-hate relationship with embattled social net programs, a government that seems incapable of governing?  

Small wonder so many feel, "We are Americans - how were we so totally betrayed?"  That's the question Fix never dodges & happily explains.  You are embattled, you have been betrayed, but we - everyone at Fox - are behind you. 

This is the station many older Americans watch.  It is the station that many of my older friends watch all day, every day.  It makes them feel good about Fox News, but what about their own lives?  Not so much.

Just the facts, ma'm...
Here are a few facts I'd love to share with my older friends & their friends:

• Fox News is the polar opposite of Fair & Balanced.
• At the start of the 2012 election season, five Republican presidential hopefuls were paid Fox on-camera commentators, with nary a single Democrat of serious standing on the payroll.
• Its news reports are emotion driven rather than factually based. (A clip is worth a thousand words - Karl Rove's 2012 meltdown; there's a reason Rove assumed Fox would take his gut feeling over scientific methods.)
• Read that one again - its reports are geared toward emotions, rather than accurate information.  They are intended to make viewers feel worse about forces outside themselves and better about themselves (and Fox).
• It's structured to be eye & mind candy, especially for people who living by themselves.  Six out of its seven hours of morning to early evening programming features pleasant, attractive, clean cut "friends"  settled on a couch, batting around the day's topics.  Alluring, reassuring, comfy - as it is intended to be. 
•  Alas, Fox is out of step with the majority of the country.  Since its debut, only one Republican - George W. Bush - was elected president, and he lost the popular vote in 2000, when electoral results were decided by the Supreme Court.
• As witnessed in the 2012 election, Fox uses its own stories to support its reporting.  When Peggy Noonan assured Megyn Kelly on Nov 6  "all the data that I get” indicates that “something is going on there,” with all “the dynamism” coming from “the Romney side,” it turned out all the data was from Fox News reports. 

In (finally!) closing...
If I could get my older friends to do just one thing, it would be to compare how Sean Hannity approached the current story on Cliven Bundy's stand against the federal government with Glenn Beck's.  Since it's almost impossible to outline Hannity's devotion to the story & the rancher, just check out The Ballad of Cliven Bundy, on the Colbert Report. 

Hannity - and the Pauls, father & son, among other top tier conservatives - embraced Bundy's cause as his own, even when gun-toting supporters advocated putting women on the front line of his defense.  Hannity swallowed Bundy's story whole & gave the rancher validity in the eyes of countless disenfranchised Americans. 

Glenn Beck (who, in the interest of full disclosure, actually knows something about the pesky back story, since he owns cattle & grazing land & grazing land that he charges other ranchers fees to use) took a different tack, one that would be downright weird for a Fox reporter - he set out to verify the story.  He used judgement & decided that while he considered Bundy to be a decent guy, the rancher seemed a bit unhinged on some topics.  That, Mr. Ailes, is fair & balanced reporting.  And from Glenn Beck, no less.

Dear older friends - Turn off the television.  It feels like it's comforting, but there's a reason it's called the boob tube - it lowers energy & increases a sense of lethargy.  At least turn off the news channels, any & every news channel.  But please do at least realize that Fox News designs its programming to draw you in & keep you from flipping channels.  

Hey, you have every reason to feel anxious.  Listening to Fox News might make you feel comforted.  But you will end up feeling informed instead of being informed, being entertained rather than enlightened.  You deserve much better.  

The Conversation

FACT:  most Americans agree it makes sense to talk about end-of-life issues.
REALITY CHECK:  only 30% actually do so!  

Life-threatening and terminal situations happen at all ages.  A couple's or family's first discussion about quality-of-life & medical treatment issues shouldn't happen after one of you, a parent or relative - or worse, a child - needs care. 

One reason Mom closed a great life with a good death was that we'd had The Conversation - many conversations over many years.  Her children knew what she looked for in care, what she wanted no part of & what she feared.  We were on the same page.  Best of all, we were comfortable sharing our concerns with Mom & created a safe environment for Mom to share her worries with us.  

That was the ideal.  The real is that the vast majority of Americans haven't had even a semblance of  The Conversation with loved ones & important others.  

Trust me, I know it can be tough initiating a conversation about health care issues, let alone end of life.  And you might find there's disagreement over even the basics.  John & I discovered we hold vastly different views on what level of extraordinary means we want taken in a medical crisis, even what we want done with our body.  We're still working on solutions, but we're talking! 
 
Here's what I consider Step #1 ~ have The Conversation.  Not just adult children of aging parents.  EVERYONE.   

REALITY:  At four years old, I was hit by a car - as I lay in a coma was not the best moment for a first-time discussion of what constitutes normal, extraordinary & unreasonable treatment.   At 61, Dad collapsed as he was about to board a flight home;  when he was diagnosed with brain cancer;  thank heavens, he was conscious & able to be part, with Mom, of medical decisions about his care.    

Just two examples that show medical crises & end-of-care issues involve any age - and so should The Conversation.

Can it be tough to start?  Absolutely.  My suggestion is to make eldercare.gov your first stop.  It can connect you with people experienced in talking about sensitive areas & who are aware that everyone involved in the discussion might feel uncomfortable, might even wish away the need by sabotaging the opportunity.  I do not suggest starting with a minister or doctor, although there is a place for both. Start at eldercare.gov.

Let me repeat:  your best first step toward having a great life end with a good death is to discuss what you want in case of a medical crisis.  Whatever your age, whatever your marital or family situation. 

Step #2 - document! 

Blessed anomaly

There are no accidents.  After writing yesterday's post, this afternoon I had the pleasure of a lovely, leisurely lunch with two older friends.  "Gentleman" is the just right description - genuine & curious & kind.  It is uplifting to know how fully life at the senior residence suits his ways, his style, his history.  

Every morning, every afternoon, every evening, he knows an abundance of friends look forward to his company at breakfast, lunch & dinner, whether he eats a deux in the cafe or at a table for nine in the dining room.  In the latish evening, when I walk with a grannie client back to her apartment, he's usually to be found in a gathering spot on the main floor, with at least several other hepcat oldsters.  

And he loves his solitude, alone in his apartment with his newspaper, his books, his classical music.

My dear friend's world IS the senior residence.  And that is not a negative.  My friend is the antithesis of negative.  

I believe he's aided by gifts of long sight & clarity & perspective, perhaps rooted in his family's flight from 1939 Germany.  He certainly has the gift of seeing - apparently without censure - what's past his present-day abilities, while embracing all that awaits being savored enjoyed experienced.

Although fairly mobile, physical challenges keep him - by choice - from going out on rambles, to concerts or book stores.  While his physical world might be confined, in every other way it's without boundaries, a universe as expansive as his books, his music, his friends.  

He'd wave me away for saying this, but he'll be a role model forever in my heart.

Here's hoping my friend, blessed by a life he takes delight in & in which he gives others delight, is increasingly not a blessed anomaly but the norm!

Sojourner truth

About two years ago - April 18, 2012 - The NY Times' "The New Old Age" blog reported on a then-recent report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).  It looked at the deaths of 700,000 people who were over 85 & where they occurred.  Compared to a similar study in 1989, 11% less people died as hospital patients (29% v. 40%).  Those who died at home rose 7%, from 12% to 19%.

Which has me wondering - what about the other 52%?  If they didn't die in the hospital & they didn't die at home, where did they draw their last breath?

The majority of people who die over age 85 will pass away in a nursing home or other long-term care facility.  The blog posting mentioned 40%, but seems to me that 48 from 100 makes 52.  Sheez....

Let's change one word.  Let's substitute "institutional" for "hospital."  Make that switch & we now have 81% of significantly older people who died in 2007 passing away in an institutional setting.  

I think the world of the senior lifestyle residences that some of my grannie clients call home.  They are many things, but I seriously doubt that any of my older friends would consider them truly "homey."  I have friends whose living space consists of one room - bed, sitting area, kitchen all within the size of a traditional living room, if not smaller.  

I have yet to come across one older person living in a senior lifestyle residence who has her friends in for a drink, for a game of cards, for lunch.  Bridge games are held in common social areas, dinner parties are confined to the dining room.  

There is no way I am going to cheer the fact that 7% more older people died at home in 2007 than did in 1989.  That is abominable!  If 19% died at home, everyone else didn't.  

Yes, it is a huge relief knowing that my mother & mother-in-law were both within that rarefied few.  But I want more, much more. 

When the overwhelming majority of significantly older Americans die in institutional facilities - well, it's just not right.  It's certainly NOT what I would call death with dignity.  

Here's my suggestion to everyone who with a parent or loved one tucked away in a senior lifestyle residence ~  pack off your older loved one on a 2-week vacation.  Then YOU live in his or her living space for 14 days.  No trips back home!  Bring all the stuff you need to get through the days & figure out where it all goes.  If your relative doesn't drive, then you're grounded, too, depending on others for transportation.  

Imagine how much such a sojourn could change our perspective of what our older friends & loved ones have to deal with every day!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today would have been Dad's 103 birthday.  Raymond Lewis Lockhart, known to all as Pete, was several months younger than I am now when he died –  61 years, 11 months & some days.  Back then, I thought he was an old guy;  now, he seems a baby. 

It gives me comfort, knowing he'd be pleased that Mom died - a long 28 years later - in her own room, in her own home, a caring nurse close by & me at her side, singing her out.

In 1973, Dad died alone, in a nursing home several towns from ours, with staff down the hall. He died in a sterile setting, with only strangers close by.

What a difference a generation makes.  Dad died just before the concept of hospice care was introduced to the United States.  It would be over ten years before hospices were accredited, another ten years after that for them to a guaranteed health care benefit.

Hospice care makes so much sense, but it was resisted – mightily – by insurance providers.  When I worked at US Healthcare & for most of the years I worked at Prudential Healthcare, hospice care wasn’t covered. And that's exactly how my employers hoped to keep things.

Today, it's hard to find online information about the resistance insurance carriers put up to hospice care, but I was there & remember how strongly they fought against providing coverage.  It made no sense, even at the time, but insurance carriers preferred covering mega expensive in-hospital stays to significantly less costly, considerably more humane hospice services.  

People look at me like I am daft, a screw loose, to say that carriers fought hard to keep things just as they were.  But I will never forget the heartbreak of telling members or doctors that health services would be covered ONLY  if a person remained in the hospital, none if they were discharged home for their last months.   How would I have felt with Dad in the tragic twist of hospice care being available, but uncovered?

Praise be, the insurance giants failed.  In 1993, hospice care became a guaranteed benefit.  It had a happy unforeseen consequence, with hospital care becoming more responsive, more patient-centered, practically downright humane.   In 1973, visiting hours were strictly enforced at Dad's nursing home, even in the face of impending death.  By 2001, when Mom was at Inova/Alexandria & later at St. Mary’s, both staffs were remarkably flexible with how early I could arrive, how late I could stay.  

Both my parents died in the wee hours of the morning, but only one was completely alone.  Dad would be relieved knowing Mom passed to him hearing "Till We Meet Again" ~ ~ smile a while & kiss me sad adieu.  My hope is that the number of people who have the blessing of dying as Mom did – in her own room, in her own home – grows even more. 

Over the long years stretching from his death to hers, there was never a doubt in my mind that the best present I could give Dad was to be a loving presence in Mom's life.  I am sure he & Mom join me in giving thanks to Dame Cicely Saunders (what a lovely face - could have been Mom's sister!) for developing the modern concept of hospice care; to Florence Wald, Dean of the Yale School of Nursing, for promoting hospice care in the USA;  to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, for introducing Americans to the concept of death with dignity;  to Senators Frank Church (D-ID) & Frank Moss (D-UT) for introducing the first hospice legislation (it didn't pass); and to The W.K. Kellogg Foundation for underwriting a study by the Joint Commission on Accreditation of Hospitals (JCAHO) investigating the status of hospice & developing standards for hospice accreditation.  Their combined efforts - against fierce resistance & powerful special interests - resulted in hospice care that makes death with dignity a reality for so many, young & old. My mother thanks you, my father thanks you, and I - most lovingly & gratefully - thank you!

Elder Advocacy Overhaul

Did an online search for  “patient advocate.”   My favorite description is found under the National Patient Safety Foundation site.  It lays out the basics of what to look for:

• Select a person you can communicate with & trust, someone who is assertive & has good communications skills
• Make sure the person is willing & able to be the type of advocate you need.
• Decide what you want help with and what you want to handle on your own.
• Be clear with the advocate about what you need them to know & be involved in. 

Do an online search for “elder advocate” and what do you find?  Mostly information about providing support in determining medical care.  Basically nothing about supporting the older person as a human being!   

The best I found was one on how to become an elder care advocate.  And all it focused on was “assisting seniors to apply for government benefits, such as Medicaid and Social Security disability, reviewing medical bills and insurance claims, and providing support after a hospital stay.”   Yikes!  Not a single mention – at least on the first couple screens – of an advocate helping an older person be the most he or she can be under whatever circumstances.

There was an excellent 2011 Forbes article,  Occupy Elder Care:  why caregivers are bad advocates.  Hooray & hallelujah!  An article that talks about the lack of support services for older Americans & their caregivers!

It’s not like people with limitations or other problems haven’t been able to mobilize themselves into action.  I think about friends of mine who have a child with multiple birth defects who galvanized themselves & their friends into action;  no one was a greater advocate for the dignity & rights of the disabled than their daughter, who became a small but mighty power for people ignored & rights denied.  She consulted with institutions on ways to comply with the Americans with Disabilities Act & was a highly successful fundraiser for the hospital she considered her second home.

She was able to become a visible, powerful advocate for policies to benefit the disabled.  Over the years, her parents & later Katie built & maintained strong support networks among others facing similar challenges & those who supported their cause.  Her reality became a rallying point.  

 It’s so different for the elderly & those who care for them, and it shows in how invisible they are when it comes to government policy, to societal support & cultural understanding.

In the interest of full disclosure:

My experience as an elder advocate is not the norm.  Unlike most people dealing with aging parents who typically have little or no experience with older people, my life was filled with them.  At 42, Mom was a lot older than the average mother when she had me.  Many of her friends were considerably older than she was.  “Grandma” Rose, Mrs. Ridgeway, Miss Cornelia – all three of the ladies with whom she shared round robin Friday night cocktail parties were almost old enough to be HER mother.  Since I was Mom’s chauffeur or co-host, I heard a lot about the ins & outs & round-abouts of aging.

Most people my age aren’t so lucky.  A shocking number of my contemporaries have very little experience with aging olders.  Many of their grandparents or older relatives sold off their homes & moved into retirement residences.  Few of them got to experience vacations at their grandparents’ place or at the family vacation house at the shore or lake. 

In my little hometown, we still have a semblance of community.  That makes a major difference when it comes to aging.  When I see an older couple, I see a friend’s parents, people who welcomed me into their house when I was a kid, who went to my high school graduation, who attended my wedding.  When I see an older woman, I see the teacher who helped me fall in love with Robert Frost or who tried her best to explain geometry or who taught me how to navigate the parallel bars.  That’s rare in many, if not most, American towns.

Five weeks spread between Mom’s fall while on a weekend bop to Alexandria, VA & her death in her own room.  While she was home, a steady stream of friends came by to give me time off, to keep her company.  My gosh - for the last week of her life, the woman was dictating answers to e-mails from the local college’s psych class about what it was like to be dying! 

That is NOT the norm.

The norm is for people struggling with aging loved ones to be facing the challenges alone, sometimes great distances from their olders, typically without anything that slightly resembles a support network.  There’s all sorts of information out there for developing a successful career, for nurturing relationships, for getting married, for starting a family, for building financial security.  Who reads about the challenges of aging before the crisis is thrust upon them?  Or continues talking about it about the crisis is past?   

A generation or so ago, when the wife typically stayed home, there was someone to provide care & support.  If grandpa needed extra care, grandma could usually count on a nearby child to lend a hand.  Careers have turned this natural family network on its ear.  Even when children live close by, most couples both work.  Their available time is limited, as are their energies.  And if they have children, they feel sandwiched between responsibilities.  It can feel like a lose-lose situation to everyone. 

It was my blessing to be married to someone with a close relationship to his own mother AND who was an artist, with his studio right next to Mom’s room.  He kept what would have been a huge burden from ever landing on my shoulders.  Not true with most other children of aging parents, who find themselves with no experience, little or no support, and no time.  

And just as some of them begin to get the hang of it, the older dies.  It tends to be a solitary experience, with at best a bittersweet ending, and a desire to get back to an earlier life.

For whatever reason, many – maybe most – people see olders' need for help as limited to  applying for government benefits, reviewing medical bills & insurance claims, providing post-hospitalization support.  

I believe Mom & “Grandma” Rose & Mrs. Ridgeway & Miss Cornelia would raise their whiskey sours to toast the idea that the world needs elder advocates who can communicate with olders & their families, who provide the support the olders want, can be a friend confidant ally, can help the older find additional support services if needed, can be a constant caring even fun presence.    

Here’s to an evolution – revolution! – in elder advocacy, one that engages, energizes & empowers ~ ~  all else is bosh!

Scouting Party

Spent a good part of Easter Sunday on a scouting party, checking out best routes for today’s grannie client ramble & lunch.  It was glorious!

The trees are lush with blossoms & leaves are busting out all over the place.  After the brutal winter, my soul soaks it all in & says, Ahhhhhh….

John & I make an ideal match in many ways, including how much I love to drive & he loves to be driven.  Beginning on our wedding trip out to Lancaster County, he will occasionally place a loving hand on my arm as he quietly comments, “We’ve been on this road before” – and the unspoken request, “Let’s find a new one!”

What a ramble!  We found a couple roads yet untraveled, spotted swans on a secluded pond, fierce looking horned cattle (haven’t seen any like them since my trip to Scotland with Gretchen), great stretches of daffodils, watched horses racing through meadows & hawks hovering above us, crossed a covered bridge, and were awed by countless vistas of blossoming trees & bushes, all celebrating the passing of a gosh awful winter.

We ended up for dinner at the very place I’ll take my grannie client for lunch – our beloved Pineville Tavern.  Christmas Eve, birthdays, special events, now Easter – we head to the PVT, where we always feel welcome, the food is terrific & astonishingly affordable.  John loved his spinach ravioli, while I lit into my traditional special occasion dish – cream sauce & peas over penne (best with prosciutto, which I – sigh - had omitted).  My beloved toasted me with a gin martini & I returned the salute with a craft ale aged in a bourbon cask. 

We rolled along home, past the stretch of road he holds most dear (a small bit of countryside, which just calls to him).  Told it what we always do – “Some day…”

This morning, the sun is shining, it’s a bit cool out but with the promise of more warmth as the day rolls by.  The road beckons & a grannie client will soon await.   

Our scouting party was a success.  I'll have the great fun of driving a delighted elder past beauty that will get her wondering how it compares to heaven, perhaps asking about the people who lived around here before the Europeans arrived, leading to possible ponders about life on other planets, what is the origin of the Universe, what is the nature of God.  Those flowering moments of the mind are as wondrous to me as basking in nature's beauty is to her.

Yesterday was a glorious Easter & a great day for a scouting party.  Looking forward to giving an awe-struck, shot-gun riding grannie an equally great & glorious afternoon!