Declaration of Independence

Took me decades to realize it, but my goal for my older friends is identical to the one for my younger friends & all ages in between - - to act as independently as they possibly can.  

Whether it's helping a baby take its first steps into the great big world or a grade schooler hear his own voice for the first time or Mom venturing out of the safety of the house after a lengthy recuperation, helping clear out the way for others to stand on their own is what gives me deep joy & profound satisfaction.

People don't think twice about the importance of little ones learning to be independent, to walk without having to hold onto someone's hand.  They don't blink when it comes to the importance of kids learning to research things on their own, to write a solid essay without Mom & Dad's help; (ok, so not everyone is keen about kids finding their voice - I am).  

But doing everything possible to help older loved ones maintain their prized sense of independence, especially if they are dependent in a lot of ways?  Am always shocked at how often that last one doesn't register with many of my contemporaries.

Today was an excellent example.  While I was lunching at a grannie client's senior residence, a young man who helps out one of my meal companions came over to join us.  As the group gabbed away, he leaned over, reached across his client, took his left hand, and wiped off a smear of mustard from a finger.  I am still shocked.  He is supposed to be there to help my friend, a proud & dignified man, not mortify him by treating him like a toddler.  


Not that the attitude is new to me.  A sister-in-law was once quite irked at me when I balked at taking core decision making out of Mom's hands.  "You have to make the decision for her," she said.  

Her attitude shocked me.  This was back when Mom was in her late 70s, physically fit & in full command of her sensibilities.  She got frailer over the years between then & her death at 91, but her ability to make decisions never faltered.  But even if it had, I still would have done everything I could to let her have the final say in her own life.  

Of course the young aide thought he was helping my friend, but what a difference it would have made if he'd first asked, "Mike, you have some mustard on your finger.  Would you like it wiped off?"  It would have been polite & respectful, and my friend could have made the decision, one way or the other.  And the aide should have known better, since my friend has told him repeatedly he hates being coddled.  It doesn't register.  

I wish that the young aide was an aberration, that my well-meaning s-i-l wasn't typical of too many people who care for older others.  Alas, they seem to be the norm.  

That needs to change.  

It doesn't matter how limited people are in their capacities, they always need to be given as much say as possible in their own lives.  It can be as simple as asking first, not jumping in to lend a "helpful" hand, or not fussing over something, especially not if front of the person's friends.  Just as true for older friends as it is for little ones or young folk, tweens or thirty-somethings.

Our role - whether as child or friend or caregiver or combination of all three - is to treat older others the same as we should everyone in our life, helping them move aside obstacles & obstructions so they can be as independent in word, thought & deed as possible!       

Luther posted his 95 theses on the church door at Wittenburg; maybe I should write out my own Declaration of Independence to post on the sliding doors of every senior residence ~ ~  I hold these truths to be self evident - that all older others are born with the divine right to live as independent a life as they possibly can manage.