Elder-on-Elder Bullying

 

Was reminded - again - this weekend that bullying isn't limited to the young.  A dear friend, edging up toward her upper 80s, was openly bullied by a fellow resident at her senior community.  

To my amazement, the woman cruelly teased & taunted my friend about her memory challenges with me sitting right there, at the same table.  Not once, but numerous times, I had to ask the bully to stop.  

When my friend left us to use the ladies room, I spoke more directly.  The bully took offense, brushing it off, even painting herself as the victim - she was "just teasing."   

Perhaps the saddest thing is knowing that my friend, if questioned, would have defended & absolved her tormentor.   It's the same dynamic I saw years ago, as a high school teacher.  While I knew one of my students was being mercilessly mistreated by a classmate, it was never within my direct hearing or sight.  Just as my older friend did last year, when the same person goaded her with poisoned jabs like "What day is it?" & "What time is it?," the student tied the hands of anyone who tried to help. 

That's what my friend did last year, when I first saw the torture & tried to address it.  Unlike this year, there were other people at the table who - in spite of my friend shrugging it off - also stood up to the bully.   


This past weekend, the bully was even more openly cruel, far worse than before.  Last year, I hit a brick wall in my attempts to discover how the senior residence staff handled bullying situations - they claimed that such problems were unthinkable, had never come up before.  With this weekend's cruel taunts ringing in my ears & the bully's disregard of requests to stop, will dig & delve until I get a better answer or response.  

If the administrative staff is clueless about the fact of bullying going on right under their roof, then I'll gladly introduce them to Dr. Maria De Leon.  She has no illusions about elder-on-elder bullying, discusses the crisis loudly & clearly.

I sympathize with any elderly person's reluctance to speak up about bullying.  Whether they are the victim or an observer, they could fear that the impact of reporting such abuse could be far worse than the abuse itself.  Just as my 7th grade student held back from pointing the finger at her tormentor for fear of what might come.  

For me, there is no alternative.  A couple days ago, a bully felt comfortable openly savaging someone she knew was my friend, right in front of me. If there really isn't an official policy on peer bullying, no procedures for handling, what's to hold her back from being even crueler in the future?