Look in the mirror

 

Whether you're the one getting up there in years, needing more support, losing more autonomy, or one of the youngers giving support to an aging or elderly loved one, you could be hit with fear, anger & guilt.  

My younger friends easily understand how their older loved ones could be vulnerable to those three nasties & certainly my getting-up-there friends know all too well how easy it is to fall prey.  But youngers?  Seriously?

Look in the mirror - whatever the age, the person smacked with fear, anger and/or guilt could be YOU.

Quite a few of my friends & families of clients confide how unprepared they were for the whiplash of emotions that hit them dealing with an elderly loved one.  Ironically, the ones hit hardest are typically the ones who felt the most prepared, who'd taken the time to do the reading & research.  They felt blindsided by a perfect storm of overwhelming feelings, many of them as new as they were unexpected.  

Strange but true - it was pretty easy for me to keep the surge of feelings that often came up from becoming tidal waves because my relationship with Mom had always been highly emotional.  A lot of my friends didn't have that unexpected advantage;  they feel somehow BAD to be churned up by fear, anger & grief.  But their most immediate challenge isn't to stop feeling their feelings, but to keep them from spiraling into something much worse.

With all the talk about care giving & support, I've seen precious few articles or books that talk about the waves of emotions that hit even the most devoted spouse son daughter caring for someone they dearly love & want to protect.  It often takes them a while before they even admit to feeling anything but 100% supportive.  "What does it say about me that I feel so distressed?"  It says they are human!

It makes sense that you'd be hit with fear on realizing a loved one - especially a child or parent - needs more support.  I've known people who felt guilty for feeling fearful when they should only feel compassion.  Yes, they're adults, but they forget they're children, too, children who are used to Mom & Dad being strong & capable, people THEY looked to for sercurity & stability.  Fear is a normal response to a sense of loss.  Fear - of loss, of the unknown, of so much - is a natural response to losing even some small part of a lifelong relationship.

I've know people - especially men - filled with grief at the sight of a parent who needs a walker, a portable oxygen tank, or a variety of different meds taken over the span of a day.  I've heard of friends sobbing in the bathroom realizing that Mom can't handle making dinner or even her famous apple pie.  One of the toughest realities I have to share with them is that while fear usually eases, at least somewhat, the sense of grief can take new forms with each functional or mental loss. It's my experience that the people who simply let themselves grieve each loss & move through it do unimaginably better than those who either refuse to acknowledge the grief or just let it pile on, new grief after new grief.  It's the ones who refuse to let themselves mourn, who see that as a weakness, who are the ones most likely to buckle under the weight of their broken heart.


I do my best to give people - youngers & oldsters - a heads up to expect sadness, anger & frustration, guilt.  Whichever side of care you're on, these are natural responses to what you're experiencing.  

 

 

One friend was especially hard hit because he'd had such a gosh awful relationship with his father.  He never expected to feel so overwhelmed by the emotions he felt, seeing him confined to a wheel chair, a frail version of the robust, hearty bully he knew.  He expected anger & resentment;  he was blown away by the love & compassion. 


I am not a counselor or a therapist, so am very cautious when friends or family of clients try to get my suggestions on how to deal with a tsunami of often shattering feelings.  It's why I believe anyone dealing with the challenges of aging should have a talk therapist - someone they can be open with, someone they trust is looking out for their best interest.  True for the older loved one, true for youngers.

Personally, I recommend finding someone like Kim Vargas, the local therapist I recommend, whose primary specialty is transitioning women into motherhood - someone versed in living rather than aging.

Having a talk therapist can help someone smacked with unexpected emotions to realize they are normal & to be expected.  They can help children spouses caregivers realize they can only do so much, that they have to let go of feeling inadequate at not doing more, at not doing everything.

A talk therapist can help children spouses  & even caregivers accept that sometimes it's not enough to do your best;  sometimes you have to - gasp! - take a break, giver yourself a breather, carve out some personal time!  Everyone will be the better for it. 

When Louise Stevens came to visit Mom during her final week, snug in her own room in her own house, she was shocked when I left after her arrival.  You bet I lit out as soon as I had the opportunity.  Mom was in the best hands & the hour I sent having a cuppa at a local diner, reading People & chatting with pleasant acquaintances paid handsome dividends over the rest of the day.  It was a little R&R and gave me lots of great tidbits to share when I got back.  Along with a lovely rasher of bacon for Mom to nibble!

There's never been a time in history when it was easy to age & grow older ~or~ to be support for those who are.  But now might be the worst time to be caught in the vise of aging in America.  For the older loved one, modern medicine has made it possible to live longer & longer, but our culture has changed from revering old age to reviling it.  Many of the ones giving care & support feel crushed between work family & the dependent loved one, old or young.  Even young people are at a disadvantage being there for Grandma or Grandpa, Aunt Lois or Uncle Scott - old people aren't next door neighbors like they were a generation ago, aren't part of their normal.  And so we are off to the emotional races, with the danger of what my dear old Mom called "death spirals" of feelings.

Look in the mirror - whether you're the one staring at increased dependency in the immediate or distant future ~or~ someone expecting to provide support, be prepared for that perfect storm of emotions.  Fear, anger, guilt;  sadness, frustration, grief, plus ones you never could have seen coming.  


Don't get me wrong - whether you're the one looking at needing more help or someone expecting to give it, reading & research is invaluable.  The one bit of counseling I will give is to read Still Here by Ram Dass.  Mom & I read it together when she was almost totally independent, like we read David Richo's How To Be An Adult in tandem.  It literally put us on the same page!    

Surf the Web - ideally together.  Get to know your local bookstore.  If you find a book that helps, check your local library, talk to experienced friends, check out Amazon for similar ones (go to its page, then scroll down to Customers Who Bought This Also Bought, check out interesting titles, reading the comments to see if it seems to hit home).  Find a great talk therapist before you need one!  

Know you're not caught out in that perfect storm all by yourself - ride it out.  Look in the mirror, see yourself, but always know that you're not alone.