always a sensual soul

Listening to Marty Moss Coane's interview this a.m. with Peggy Orenstein on sex & the American girl, found myself thinking over & over of my mother, Katharine Reynolds Lockhart, of how blessed I was to have her as my mentor into human sexuality.

From my first awareness of her to Mom's final days, she modeled a healthy attitude toward sex & sexuality.  There was truth to her jocular claim she wanted to have "They did it 'til he died" on their tombstone.  

Mom always saw the physical act of sex - which, to her, was far more than simply intercourse - as an active, integral part of her perception & experience of a loving marriage relationship. 

To Mom, the love act was the crowning glory of spiritual union.  This was radical, compared to what some of her friends felt - that it was base, carnal, necessary for the procreation of children but somehow flecked with infernal lust.  A few looked forward to having a heavenly marriage with their beloved husbands, since "there is no sex in heaven."  

That, to Mom, was heresy! She'd set 'em straight, sharing her belief - "We're taught that things in heaven are as they are on this earth, but at an unimaginably higher, spiritual level.  Intercourse is about conjunction, the ultimate union between husband & wife.  As glorious as it was in this life, I can't begin to imagine how spectacular it will be in the next!"  

There was never any question with Mom about the joys of sex.  Peggy Orenstein would have been delighted, hearing & watching Mom talk about its pleasures.  Mom worried about girls & boys who were taught that sex was bad, nasty, filled merely with risks & dangers.  She felt such young people were sitting ducks, if they went from kissing to the pleasures of heavy petting to the WOW of intercourse. Far from pulling back, they'd more likely think,  "This?  Bad?  Boy,  are our parents clueless!"

It was remarkable, growing up with a mother who had an open, honest view of sex, who believed that a healthy respect & honoring of it was part of our developing a healthy respect & honoring of true married love; that sex & intimacy with your spouse was as close was we can get on this earth to experiencing complete conjunction; who expected her delight with sex to continue to the end of her days.  

Too many of my friends had mothers who shrank from discussing s-e-x. Human sexuality was an unspoken given in our household, mostly because it was clear that Dad was totally over-the-moon in love with Mom.  It infused our house, but without being gross.  It was seen & felt in the way Dad draped his arm around her waist, the look in his eyes when she walked into a room, the lovely respect he showed her, their playfulness - it was clear that man was flat-out loopy about the woman.  And vice versa.  She was totally googly eyed about him.  


She was also clear that intercourse was rightly reserved for marriage.  The thought of someone having experienced multiple sex partners was anathema to Mom.  In Mom's heart & life, guys & gals were meant to keep themselves for the one person who had your heart, you waited until marriage, you were mentally & physically faithful to the other forever.  

God bless her, Mom also made it clear - as too few adults did - that waiting was anything but easy.  When we heard about a couple who had to move up their wedding day due to a pregnancy, Mom's surprising response was a sympathetic, "That could have been us.  Luckily, when I wanted to give in, Pete was strong, and when he wanted to throw caution to the winds, I was strong." 


I grew up with a mother who taught that the reason to delay the full pleasures of sex until marriage wasn't because "doing it" would cheapen my worth, make me damaged goods, damn me in some way, but because both of us holding ourselves in check until marriage - when "going all the way" was what we WANT almost beyond reason - made the intangible relationship of US more important than the "YES!!" screaming in our heads & bodies, resulting in a deepened relationship that would stand us in good stead throughout our life together.  Truth be told, I took some missteps along my way to John, as he did on his way to me, but once we connected, we played out our relationship the way I'd always been taught by Mom, the way I'd seen it played out with her  Dad - we waited, putting our love, attention & energies on developing the relationship in its most appropriate order.  It wasn't easy, but what a difference it has made!

In her later years, Mom was horrified by friends who were no longer intimate with their husbands.  Dad died so young - 63 - he was still fully active, but Mom never doubted that, had he lived many years longer, their love making would have evolved into something less acrobatic yet still massively pleasurable.  

Mom saw herself as a sexual being, even after Dad slipped from us. Will never forget one time - it was post-John, so she in her 80s - that Mom shared with Mim & me that she'd "been wondering if the old machinery still worked, so I gave it a whirl & it does!"   Amazing!  


What a pity that Peggy Orenstein never had a chance to meet Mom.  Me & my sibs were blessed to have a mother with such a delightfully sensual soul, who saw love making as a gateway to spiritual union, something that would be beyond- the-beyond better in the next life.  I am forever grateful for experiencing how her savoring of her sexuality continued to the end of her days, the power of her physical union with Dad staying with her.  Always.