toch ahvah

One of the greatest gifts we can have growing older is that of being able to constructively give & receive criticism.  The primary reason I brought a well-being coach into my life this year is to be a person who can listen to what I say, observe what I do, in a critical way; who can be straight with me based on what she sees even more than on what she hears 

I'm someone who thrives on constructive criticism, because it gives me fresh insight, a new angle.  Even if it feels someone's rebuke is whacked-out, will ponder where the person might be coming from, what they might have experienced that make them suggest whatever it may be - where is the possible truth within their critique? 

Criticism takes me to a better level of being.  John doesn't hammer my lousy housekeeping skills, because (in spite of having a neat-as-a-pin mother & being pretty tidy himself) it's not that important to him.  He does let me know of his concern that I'm not active enough, that I don't take regular walks or follow a daily exercise regime.  It just dawned on me that the best way to encourage him to be more forthcoming with helpful criticism is to take to heart the ones he's offered!  

There isn't any sense of upset when John softly rebukes my sedentary ways.  He is clearly sharing them with toch ahvah, which translates from the Hebrew as "from a place of love."  He doesn't share his frustrations at my being a couch potato because it bothers HIM but because he worries for me, for my health & well-being.  No matter how critical he might be, it is always being shared from a place of love, of caring.

Blessed are the young'uns & oldsters who have developed a capacity for giving & receiving criticism from a place of caring.  In Wise Aging, the authors suggest that "getting in touch with our respect, affection, or love for the other individual is the best way for us to determine whether, how & when to offer rebuke. ~ ~ This kind of deep love, expansiveness of spirit, and risk taking can often open up new possibilities." 

What wonderful criteria to follow in offering criticism - am I coming from a place of affection, or at least respect, for the other person?  If I hold back, am I doing it from a sense of deep love; is the risk genuinely too great to take ~or~ am I being simply self protective? 

Toch ahvah - words to inscribe on our hearts, a loving watch to set upon our tongue.