To beat the heat (in the grip of our 5th heat wave!), John & I headed to the library. John made a beeline for magazines, while I surfed the internet for "crowd-sized" recipes to try out for a new season of brunches at our local retirement village ~ and ~ the To Kill A Mockingbird cast party.
The woman sitting at the next computer & I struck up a conversation. It came up that I work across the age spectrum, particularly with oldsters elders ancients & their families. Her body sagged & sadness draped itself across her face.
She felt heartsick about having to put her Mom in a care facility. She remembered her parent's family, three generations living in a large home, with the chain of care & caring cutting across the ages - babies & youngsters were left in Grannie's tender hands while Mom did housework or made meals; when Grannie needed extra care, there were loving hearts & hands ready to give it.
The woman - she looked around my age, perhaps in her mid-60s - had felt so isolated in making & carrying through & living with her decision, a choice made by necessity, over the protests of her heart. Her mind dwelt on memories of her Mom's parents, tucked in the heart of their multi-generation home, each age showcasing its own strengths, turning to the others for support - a balance of needs & abilities.
Life has changed, in more ways than we know. Work & lifestyle realities make it more & more difficult for families to stay close to each other, let alone have the ability to provide the sort of care possible in every previous generation. Our lives are no longer routinely cut short by heart disease, cancer, diabetes & other health conditions that winnowed out previous generations long before most hit 80. We find ourselves are trailblazing areas we never dreamed of back in the '50s & '60, when we hadn't a clue that modern medicine & technologies promise of longer life actually would turn out to be mean, in too many cases, prolonged death.
How well the others behind us deal with similar challenges will depend, in large measure, on what sort of guides & pioneers we are.
Listening to the woman, to her haunting pain, made me mentally scream at how isolated most of us are in our most vulnerable moments, in spite of the wonders of our digital age. Back in Mom's day, she had mid-morning coffee with "Aunt" Kit from next door; in the afternoon, she might struck up a conversation with a neighbor as they both took down clothes from the line; a faithful correspondent, Mom kept in touch with her sisters out to California & her best friend, who'd headed down to Texas & a wealth of friends all over. They communicated, shared their trials & triumphs, exchanged recipes & heartfelt advice, unburdened themselves & were lifted up.
That was my Mom's reality, as I saw it. Folks tend to idealize things, so they might not have been as rosy & warm as I recall. No matter - we have our own realities to work with, our own ways to craft more effective outreach caring compassion.
How do we take what we've got & come up with a WAY better response to the challenges we face nurturing & supporting tenderhearted, caring relationships? What needs call to be supported? What tools & technologies are on hand, waiting to be put to use in helping ourselves & others feel bucked up, encouraged, restored?
It would have been a help if the woman I met today had the opportunity to talk to someone who'd been there, had experienced her or his own version of the pain, could be someone with whom to touch base when the sadness draped over the heart, whether it was as she was making the decision, sharing it, making it so, dealing with it afterward.
HOW can we get these conversations & connections going? Because my boomer generation are the guides for this unprecedented lifestyle that's not tribal, not clan, not familial in its nature. The guides & pioneers. How well WE learn to alleviate the pain & sadness - felt by all sides as we balance physical & emotional needs - will largely decide how well we did for those oldsters elders ancients who are dear to our hearts.
It means going to new places, taking new routes, braving the unknown. We need to rouse ourselves - all of us - to make bold attempts, search for innovative approaches, explore options & openly share with each other the good times & hard moments. We are both the front line & the final recourse.
Sounds daunting - it is. Get over it, get going!
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