In doing the final deep clear of the Computer Studio, now dubbed THE RETREAT by my O Best Beloved, came across a copy of a letter from Mom to Kerry & Mike ~ "It stunned me to read that you are hurt because I assumed that my health care bill (in Australia) is yours. The Australian Government and I were assured by you that health care in Australia was available and that you assumed full financial responsibility for it. This (apparently they sent her a copy of the bill for medical expenses incurred during her stay). I will be glad to send what money I can each month."
It was a pretty good letter, if you ask me (as no one did). Laid out what happened, explained why Mom - who had basically no money, since my oldest brother blew away what Dad left in skanky investments - hadn't thought to send down money against her billing. She made clear that, knowing their feelings, she would send what she could each month.
It turns out from a subsequent note that what got Kerry's goat was that Mom wasn't sufficiently grateful. That she never said, "Thank you," for the thousands they spent on the medical care-hospitalization-partial procedure she had due to a non-functioning kidney that became enflamed due in large measure to having flown - for the first time in seven flights - basically non-stop from Phila to Sydney (with a 1-hour layover in LA). An arduous trip they arranged.
Hullo - we're talking Katharine Reynolds Lockhart. No one who knew my mother would ever consider her the sort who wouldn't show her appreciation for physical emotional financial TLC. It was utterly NOT in her nature to shrug off kindness, to ignore generosity.
My guess is she didn't say it in the way that they wished to hear it, whatever that might have been. They certainly did go out of their way to rub her nose in it, or at least Kerry did, referring to Mom's "cavalier attitude" to their largesse. Mom? Cavalier about anyone's kindness? Those who knew her would be on the floor laughing - no how, no way.
Kerry couldn't let slide the opportunity to dig in the knife. "Mum, you missed the point altogether of what Mike was trying to say. Heaven forbid that you might consider saying 'Thank you' - as distinct from saying absolutely nothing. Too late now to matter. Please do not send any money, Mum. Michael & I would prefer to follow the well-entrenched Lockhart tradition of burying our heads in the sand & never mentioning the issue to you again. Love - Kerry & Michael"
Where to start? She mentioned that Mom missed Mike's point - but doesn't explain what it was. She rips into the kindest woman on earth for not being sufficiently grateful. She flips off Mom's intention to send whatever money she could because it's "too late now to matter." She skewers Mike's family for a failing she'd always slammed but intended in this instance to follow. Snotty & mean-spirited.
For decades, I couldn't get my head around why Mom balked at moving down permanently down to Australia, to live with Mike & Kerry. They always seemed crazy about her, she would have been with two adored grandchildren & part of a spiritual community she loved. In spite of my urging her to go, she wouldn't budge. It never made sense to me. Reading the note from Kerry - and another equally snotty one from the next month - should have given me an inkling.
We don't always know what is best for our older loved ones, even when we think we do. This note - and others - should have been a tip off for me, but it wasn't. It took until the last weeks of her life for Mom to finally confide in me the why behind her refusal to move permanently Down Under. After decades of keeping me in the dark, she explained the reason she wouldn't make the move was because of the cruel remarks Kerry would make to her about Dad. Looking at the nastiness in her short note, can imagine how ghastly it must have been for Mom, who felt too loyal to her d-i-l to let on the actual reason for staying put.
It got me thinking about how very little I actually know about my mother's relationship with any of her children. When, in my early 30s, I finally suggested it was time for her to move in with Mike, something she'd always presented as an option, it shocked me to have her throw up every possible defense. "Here is where I spent most of my married life with Papa." "How can you make me leave the place where Pete is buried?" "My friends will never forgive you for making me go." It was the last one that made me throw in the towel, although looking back I think that her friends would have said, "About time you have your own life."
The point is that we children don't always know as much as we think we do, a fact that was brought home to me again looking at the notes from Mom & Kerry. I always thought that Kerry treated Mom like her own mother - not so.
Looking at the note one last time before closing this posting, the thing that strikes me most is how there was no reaching out for better understanding of what Mom was thinking or feeling. It was all about Kerry, about their hurt, about hugging it close to them rather than allowing Mom the ability to make amends.
Most interesting to me is the comment about following the Lockhart lead & burying their heads in the sand over the issue. That was NOT Dad's way, nor is it mine, which got both of us into hot water with Kerry. It was how Mom, Peter & Mim operated with any issue that might be testy, could cause unwanted confrontation. But it wasn't intentional on Mom's part; it was a defense mechanism learned over sixty years before to survive the horrors she experienced through her own mother. But Kerry knowingly buried her head in the sand, she chose to never mention (which insured never forgetting) the issue again. There is something seriously not right about doing that intentionally.
For almost 20 years, I was distressed that Mom wouldn't move, wouldn't free me to get a life of my own. Peter had his own life, Mike had his, Mim had hers - I had Mom. And I couldn't figure out why she wouldn't move where she would be cherished, where she could make such a major impact on a family that included kids, surrounded by friends & neighbors who loved her.
How often do we youngers not know the whole story behind a family issue? I count myself incredibly lucky because Mom did finally come clean with me. When I asked why she'd kept it to herself all those years, she explained she didn't want me to think poorly of Kerry. Better I see her as the culprit.
Oh, the things family friends loved ones don't know about things we think we do!
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