Over the next days, I prided myself on being a soothing presence & a comforting daughter. But not once did I think to ask her what SHE thought would give her comfort.
Blessings on my sister, stuck up in north central New Jersey, unable to get down to Mom's bedside in Virginia. Mim suggested I ask Mom if she'd like her back rubbed.
Oh my gosh - the look of joy that flooded Mom's face! Following Mim's instructions, I gently tilted Mom forward, holding her securely against my left arm, then lightly rubbed her bare back with my right hand.
To this day, the memory of her body's response, the radiant look on her face, the lovely gab we had afterward is imprinted on my mind, heart & hands. Every time I rubbed her back, there were three of us present in the room - Mom, myself & Mim.
Rubbing her back. It never would have occurred to me.
There are many reasons why my sister might have been aware of something so basic while I was clueless. Of the many differences between us, one is that I haven't been hospitalized since my freshman year in high school. Mim has been, at least once in her adult life. Also, she had always been more apt than I to ASK first, then respond.
Asking others what I could do to help make them more comfortable. What could be easier - and it never occurred to me.
It's almost thirteen years since that fateful fall & lesson learned. Today, my brain is abuzz with dreams & schemes for turning today's "senior" care culture on its head, making it more person- & community-connected.
My first step - deciding to "think globally, act locally." Originally, converting Cory Boyce's superb high school "Senior/Capstone Project" seemed the best first goal. A key project - yes. But my first?
Ideally, my first should model the community-building, culture-healing elements I hope will hallmark all my elder care anarchy efforts! And revising Cory's project for his high school seniors for mine will need time, effort, care.
An ideal first project dawned on me last night, having a rollicking good time at dinner with a grannie client. It hit me that I really don't know what gives her a sense of comfort when she's feeling blue, alone, or frustrated at having to depend on me & others rather than picking up the car keys & heading out on her own.
There was my starting point: find out what gives people in a dependency situation ~ short-term or long care, whatever their age ~ what gives them a sense of comfort. Let it build from there.
Offering up thanks for my corporate world experience, particularly my years at Prudential, in public relations & marketing. Before we went ahead with a project, we'd ask - Is it SMART? As in is it Specific? Measurable? Achievable? Realistic? Timely? Yes, this first project is all that, and more - it's simple & an excellent first step in connecting with my local community.
Goosebumps!
Will start with younger people, with a friend whose beloved husband had ALS. It was both heartbreaking & uplifting, thanks to how the two of them approached it - as individuals, as a couple, as a family, as part of a circle of loving friends. Countless people were touched by a sense of what's truly meaningful & eternal. What gave her husband comfort? What gave her comfort? What would she like people to know about giving comfort?
Diving right in, here's an excellent first step - - sharing How to Give Comfort, a timeless Ladies Home Journal article that considers the power & importance of comfort.
Get a cup of something sippable, settle in & read it. Discuss it with friends. What's given them a sense of comfort when they've been hit with a sense of loss, with a debilitating - however briefly - illness?
For me, it's knowing someone called to check in, receiving a note, or having a friend close by - talk is less important than presence.
Let me know what gives you a sense of comfort & even joy in moments you need it most.
Wrapping all my readers in a loving hug!
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