7 steps to happiness

Years ago, Mom came across something in Reader's Digest that hit home so completely, she made it part of her daily ritual for the rest of her life  - every day, she listed seven things for which she was grateful.  Every day, a different list.  The article said that people who do that experience a greater level of happiness.  I know she felt it did.

Practicing gratitude is one of the seven key steps that help foster happiness.  Too many people don't know that these seven steps exist, that we can all use them to create or boost our capacity for happiness.  Some feel like I've aced them, others I'm working on, one in particular that awaits my attentions.  

The seven are:

1. Get in the Flow.
2. Make exercise part of every day.
3. Develop strong, healthy relationships.
4. Put your focus on intrinsic goals - compassion, cooperation, being of service.
5. Find something to do that offers a sense of meaning, of purpose.
6. Act with compassion.
7. Practice gratitude.

Get in the Flow:  That's not a typo - Flow, in this context, is capitalized. Also referred to as the Zone, Flow is the mental state we get into when we're doing something that gives us a sense of focused energies, of being fully engaged in the moment, of utter enjoyment in what we are doing.  Smiling, writing this & remembering a grannie client who loves jazz, of the look on her face & the sense of her physical being as she soaks in the a live performance by fabulous trio, less than 10 feet in front of us.  She is SO in the Zone!  And the sense of those relatively few moments carry over into the rest of her week & beyond.

Make exercise part of every day:  Exercise helps release dopamine, a chemical in our brain that triggers feelings of pleasure & happiness.  The bad news is that the dopamine's system of transmitters & receptors deteriorate as we age;  the good news is that regular EXERCISE helps maintain its health.  A lot of my older friends who aren't able to get out to a walking track, tennis court or dance studio take advantage of Wii activities, videos that get players to MOVE - hopping, wriggling, serving, volleying, even throwing a left-hook at a virtual boxing opponent.  Although Wii videos don't do a lot for younger people, who need more rigorous activity to be of serious benefit, they seem a just-right fit for older folks.  The Wii Balance Board, which can find players moving their bodies as if steering a surfboard, has helped players improve their ability to stand straight, as well as monitor their BMI & other fitness stats, things that were once virtually unknown to most folks of my parents' generation.  A study published in 2009 showed that an 89-year old woman suffering from a balance disorder, who had a history of falls, significantly improved her sense of equilibrium after six sessions of Wii Bowling, a particularly cheering outcome since the falls are a leading cause of injury-related deaths among the elderly.  

Develop strong, healthy relationships:  Mom had a talent for developing relationships with others.  Dad, her O! Best Beloved, died at a heartbreaking 63.  Two years later, at 65 (then considered getting up there), she made her first trip to Australia, to stay with my brother & his wife for several months.  In addition to helping with their first baby, Mom developed strong ties to many families, becoming an honorary Mum to at least one.  The last of her seven trips Down Under was when she was 85!  

Although she lost all of her close friends - through death or moving - by the time she hit 90, Mom started sending regularly irregularly e-mails to a growing & adoring dist list, mostly made up of youngsters under 50.  No one was more surprised than Mom that her circle of friends actually grew as she entered her nineties, thanks to the the internet.  New friendships, deep connections to people dear to her heart but never met, were her new normal.  

As Mom wrote in a 07/16/00 e-mail to her "Mindwalker1910" dist list, My online "family" brings unexpected and incalculable blessings, fulfilling  in this life the promise that "with thought brings presence," all at the  click of a mouse.   Yet she never touched a keyboard - she composed her postings, I transcribed to keyboard, onto the internet. Helping today's oldsters gain access to the internet, including Skype, can open ways for them to "visit" even family & friends who live a distance away.  Virtual visits via internet are wonderful, but nothing can touch face-to-face connection.  

I've had grannie clients who rarely saw family members who lived in the same town & others who knew they'd see them regularly - the difference between the two was astonishing.   Youngsters - be aware pf the power of your presence ~ AND ~ that the best way to assure having strong, healthy relationships when you're up there in years is to start developing them now!

Focus on intrinsic goals:  It doesn't take a rocket scientist or a PhD in positive psych to know that people who focus primarily on accumulating wealth & power are less likely to experience lasting happiness than those who focus on less worldly goals, who strive to be compassionate, to be of service, to cooperate & collaborate on ways to make life better for others as well as themselves.  Bill Gates made one of the greatest fortunes ever, then retired at 52 to form & lead the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation,   At 76, Bill's mentor in business & philanthropy, Warren Buffet, pledged to give all his Berkshire Hathaway stock to philanthropic foundations.  It's a thrill to me when I walk with a grannie client through the halls of her senior residence, seeing the faces of the other residents lighting up as they see her, hearing the happiness in their voices as they greet her by name, watching the change in their posture as we walk toward them - she is known by all to be kind & generous, always ready with a smile & cheery greeting.  She is, in her own way, every bit as effective in her form of philanthropy & outreach as Warren or Bill & Melinda! 



Be part of something "bigger":   Every one of my grannie clients have always attended - in person or via internet - weekly church or synagogue services.  I doubt any of them would have thought of that as being part of something bigger than themselves, but it was & is.  I find myself thinking about Shareen, friends' elderly mother.  For years, her children took great care to get her to church.  Now, one of her children watches the live stream of the Sunday morning church service with her.   As she experiences the cathedral service from the coziness of her room in the home she shares with one of her sons & his wife, she is part of the congregation down the road & up the hill sitting in the church as well as the world-wide congregation watching via internet connection.  

Act with compassion:   Who better than the Dali Lama to express the power of compassion in nurturing happiness?  From my own limited experience I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion.  The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes.  Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease.  This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter.  It is the ultimate source of success in life.  Nuff said.

Practice gratitude:  As mentioned, Mom was a great role model of practicing daily gratitude.  Her embrace of gratitude & its impact on her life, on many lives, went far beyond that daily list, compiled every night & reviewed every morning.  Mom corresponded regularly with a long list of friends & relatives, from young men & women she met through our local college to nieces & nephews, children & grandchildren & a host of friends.  Often, her letters were expressions of gratitude, gratitude for so many things.  And theirs to her were almost always filled with thanks for her friendship, her guidance, her example.  Whether reading or writing a letter, Mom always got a bounce from the experience.  By writing her list, she ended each day on an up note;  by reviewing it first thing the next morning, she started each day on a grateful high.  


Seven steps to happiness.  So far, I regularly take five of them.  Feeling Mom looking over my shoulder, wondering why not all seven.  Wondering myself.

How many do you make part of your day?  Mom's wondering.

BE CLEAR - communications tip

One of the two most important things to do before sharing any sensitive information or asking a potentially dicey question is to be clear about what you want to say or ask.  Am shocked at the number of times I would think that it was was important to let the moment be organic, to just let the words come or else they would be stilted, sound fake.

Bosh!

When it's tough-to-share or say, it's essential you have a clear idea - before you bring up to the person(s) having something you want to share - of what you want to say.  The better you can get your head to understand what's in your heart, the better you head can assure the heart it can be entrusted to express it as effectively as possible.

"I have something difficult to say" communication should never be done on a wing & a prayer.  It's not being fake or artificial, it's being wise & protective, protective of the other(s) as well as of yourself.  If you don't know - clearly - what you want to say, it's way too easy for it not to be said.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

 

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - this film was high on my must-see dvd list due to its cast.  No idea what it was actually about, so was stunned with delight as the story(ies) unfolded to reveal a movie about aging & resilience & the invaluable gifts older people can bring to those around them.

Even as the film opened & I realized the characters were all of a certain "young old" age, it didn't dawn on me that something special was unfolding.  It took until Judi Dench's Evelyn Greenslade writes on her blog about adjusting from England to India - "Initially, you're overwhelmed. But gradually you realize it's like a wave. Resist, and you'll be knocked over. Dive into it, and you'll swim out the other side." - to realize how multi-layered this film would be.  

And it reminded me of something that my own mother wrote in a long-ago e-mail to a devoted circle of online friends:
Growing old, even some of the sadder aspects of it,  is part of the Lord's grand scheme.  Let go of time-bound prejudices and fears  of growing older.  Marianne Williamson says that to get to the light, a  person has to work through the darkness.    In middle and early old age, life  can seem dark and scary as we move out of the familiar into the unknown.   Work through it toward the light.

Would love to say it struck me how the characters reflected Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' seven stages of grief, but that didn't click until reading Moses Mo's Innovation and the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  YES!  It completely went over my head that each of them - from Judi Dench's most-balanced-of-the-lot Evelyn to Penelope Wilton's bitter Jean Ainslie - illustrate denial, anger, bargaining & sorrow, each finally embracing or at least moving toward acceptance.  I caught on that each had found a "capacity for new life," but had missed what got them there.

One particular sentence in the article resounds through me - "And so, at the heart of the film, is a message about a most important choice in life, whether to expand and grow, or to wither and die."

Again, a rephrasing of Evelyn's blog posting.  And it fascinates to realize that the character who seemed to choose to wither actually opens up new possible horizons for herself & her husband.  


What most lifts me up, what left me stunned with shocked recognition is the article's recognition of the vital role of visionary.  

Dev Patel plays Sonny, the manager of the hotel, whose utter belief in his dream & vision for the hotel has brought this disparate group of Brits to a once magnificent now crumbling building where he envisions out-sourcing housing to the world's aging population.  It is Sonny's "photoshopped visions" that drew this disparate group of fledgling ex-pats to Jaipur, a city in North India.  

Like Sonny, I am a visionary, seeing a culture that embraces the aging & elderly rather than distancing from them, a restoration of the value of heritage & the power of wisdom that's been the gift of aging through the millennia.  

However, Sonny thought he could make his vision a reality all by himself.  Not me!  I recognized how woefully lacking I was in various infrastructures & set out to shore them up.  My radar is always on the look out for strategic consultants who can help this "innovation officer" become an effective agent of considerable constructive change.

Sonny didn't have the financial cojones of his two brothers, he had no skill at presenting the hotel as a viable investment opportunity to a banker, but he had the great, unlearnable talent of drawing around himself others who would help ground him, help fill in the places where his vision would flummox & fall without a strong arm to support & guide him.  

I find the concluding paragraph in Moses Mo's article particularly galvanizing, for myself, for my older friends & grannie clients:
But the catalyzing step is to take action.  This is not a small thing, as it requires finding the courage to “innovate your way out of the predicament” - which, in desperate times, feels a bit like building a parachute on the way down. It’s a far more courageous choice than the knee-jerk reaction of laying off some staff and battening down the hatches.  It is a commitment to boldness that breathes life into a vision of change.

The article relates The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel to business innovation.  I fold his article back, relating it Evelyn's charge to dive into the unknown, to swim on until you reach the Other Side.

 

Fresh amazement

A late night/early morning exchange on Facebook last night zinged my appreciation of my mother in a fresh direction.  

A young friend designed incredible cards featuring familiar local scenes from a totally different perspective.  Completely different & utterly wonderful.  And different.  Did I mention different?  Different can be experienced as disquieting, and not necessarily in a negative way.  Or in a negative way that has a positive effect on our thinking  & capacity to experience.  It can scour out new channels in our mind & imagination, opening us to experience old things in new ways.  My guess is that's how Lisa's artwork affected a lot of people at yesterday's craft sale.  Including - maybe especially - the shoppers who couldn't resist their siren call of beauty & heart.

My lead in to this a.m.'s realization that what helped my mother deal so well with the rigors of older age was her ability, her enjoyment of seeking the different.  She would have snapped up two of each of Lisa's cards - one to send to Mike & Kerry, to Bob & Linda, to Peter & Mim, to all her friends & family who loved our little hometown.  And one to keep for herself.  

No question which would be her favorite - the pair of cardinals with Glencairn in the background.  Cardinals were a totem for Mom & Dad.  She would have loved Lisa's remarkable design.

Mom was born in 1910, grew up in a generation of women who thought their highest calling was to help the men in their lives reach their highest calling & help their daughters embrace doing the same.  This generational culture of coming second - if you ranked at all - was compounded beyond measure by having a surviving parent who drummed into her middle daughter the importance of supporting nurturing enabling the status quo, including/especially a status quo that brought her (Mom) no benefits, that downright did her harm.  She learned to square her shoulders, accept the load (whatever it might be) & soldier on in a horrendous cause.  Not a good lesson to learn from your mother.

Praise be, Mom - like Lisa - embraced the different.  She certainly immediately recognized that Raymond Lewis Lockhart (universally known as Pete to all who knew him) was different from every other man she'd met.  Dad had the same impact on Mom that John has on me - he helped her see her BEST self, not the self that was needed by others.  And he loved her - truly deeply passionately.  As long as Dad was there to mirror back the marvelous person he saw & loved, she had her bearings, but when he died in their early 60s, she reverted to the behaviors she'd learned under her mother, especially supporting the status quo, no matter how gosh awful it might be.

The fresh appreciation I felt this morning connects to how Mom changed after a 1997 road trip to DisneyWorld, almost 25 years after Dad's death.  It was mighty courageous of an 87-year old, slightly frail woman to tackle 9-hour drives punctuated by sprints of sightseeing in Williamsburg, Charleston & Jacksonville. Mom was a woman of great spirit & a strong sense of adventure that never wavered.  She thirsted for the new experience, the different.  

Never appreciated that so much as I do this morning - Mom thirsted for the different.  And that was her great salvation from getting old.  Oh, she aged, but never got old.

Here comes the BUT - until November 1997, she observed the different, she appreciated the different, she even gloried in it.  But she never once seemed to think of embodying different.  Her job, especially after Dad died, was to preserve protect & defend the status quo, however horrendous it might be, however much it might work in every way shape  & form against her own & everyone else's best interests.

Second BUT - her hankering for the healthy whole healing different proved stronger than her attachment to perpetuating an adverse status quo.  Two moments from that drive down to DisneyWorld stand out forever in my mind & heart - Mom's reaction to hearing Stephen Covey explain that between what happens & our response is a moment where we can CHOOSE our response (for her, that was revolutionary) & Marianne Williamson's call to spiritual arms, that we are put here to blow apart the status quo.  One moment, she'd never heard those insights & another moment she had - and her world had shifted, she breathed in & out in new ways. 

My fresh appreciation of Mom - born from appreciating Lisa's wondrous cards that stirred in others new feelings about familiar objects & places - is that there was always & forever a seed within her awaiting the right trigger to grow & blossom into someone capable of recognizing & differentiating between a status quo that helps & one that hurts & responding to nurture the one & limit the other.  And that changed everything.  

Can see some further builds on my new-found AH HA! of Mom's longtime appreciation of the different.  I see that same connection between an acceptance, a seeking of the different in the experience of so many older friends to aging.  Have to stop writing - places to do, grannie clients to lead astray.  But will come back to this.  Soon
   

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set aside a dedicated time - communication tip

Too many people act the way I did, letting something "come up" rather then taking a big gulp, contacting the person(s) you want to share a difficult truth with, and setting up a dedicated time & place to talk about something important to you.  

That concept - setting up a specific time  & place to discuss something of importance - never dawned on me until reading it in Charles Foster's book, There's Something I Have to Tell You.  It takes a lot of courage to do, because it 's human nature to avoid rather than face.  But the benefits are worth the difficulty. 

There will be NO convincing...

... One of my grannie clients that I do NOT know every interesting person on the face of the Earth.

Today was the memorial service for a remarkable man, Kurt Simon.  I got to know Kurt at breakfast time - he & another very special man were regular breakfast companions of the aforementioned grannie client.  I've written about Kurt at least twice on this blog - he was the one who loved real conversation, who decried those who could only express "Banalities!  Banalities!" such as their aches & pains & common gossip, who only played music when he could focus on it & never as mere background noise.

It was a wonderful service, lead by a rabbi who clearly knew & loved him well.  Am feeling a little bittersweet, because as tender & loving as it was, I now have to face the reality that he is really gone.

At the end of the service, the rabbi made a beeline for our group, which included my g.c. & the other of their breakfast trio.  But she was making her way to ME, not them!  As she came up to us, her face lit up like a sunrise, she beamed at me, saying, "I can't believe this!  My brother, Jonathan, just arrived today from Jersusalem!  The last time he was here, two years ago, on the way to the airport for his return flight to Israel, we had an unforgettable talk with YOU at Be Well!"

Could have knocked me over with a feather!!  Remembered the conversation as well as she did & had the same glorious memory of it.  As I was about to reply, looked over at my grannie client, who has long claimed I seem to know EVERYONE.  She looked like the cat who swallowed the canary, with a face that clearly read, "Told you so - you DO know all the interesting people around here!"

No convincing her after this that she's wrong.  Can hear her now - "You even knew the rabbi at Kurt's service!"  Somewhere, Kurt is smiling.

Our best self

It took receiving a handmade card from someone who's been a big part of my life but whose own is sadly largely circumscribed right now to realize a core home truth.  

It was a just-right card & a beautifully connecting note.  And it made me realize that one of my strengths - from my original teaching days to now - is to bring out the best in others.  Can say that without a smidgen of boasting because it's nothing that I intentionally do.  Actually, it's something I believe we are all called to do & often accomplish without any awareness.

Personally, I was clueless about people bringing out the best in others until after marrying John.  Within a very short time, it was clear that he drew out the best in me.  Because he saw it.  He saw it & because of that I flourished. 

He did the same thing for his Mom.  For mine.  For my siblings & our friends.  John sees the best in others & as a result, they can become their best.

It's easy to bring out the best in others when that's what you see.  It seems that I tend to see the parts of people that work & focus on those things.  In turn, those things tend to flourish & increase, due to simply being mirrored back.  

Looking back, can see that was one of Mom's great gifts.  She saw the genuine best in others.  As happens with a lot (maybe most) of us, she was more challenged with it when it came to family, but my whole being is smiling remembering certain people who just bloomed under her attention.  People who were gnarly & difficult with others, who practically purred around Mom & were their very best selves.  I have them in my mind & her effect - of which she had NO idea - is forever in my heart.

When I think of my various grannie clients, can see that my #1 strength is seeing & recognizing their best selves, freeing them to see the same, to celebrate it & live it to the fullest.  

Why post communication tips?

There are few potential communication scenarios more strewn with emotional landmines than that between generations, particularly between parents & children (although sibling to sibling can get explosive, too).  For so many reasons, on so many levels, effectively given & received straightforward communication is sadly not the norm within families.

Hey, there has to be some use in having gone through the communication challenges that strewn my family life.  Some of what I learned from the debacle of trying to communicate with Mom & my sibs might be helpful to others, it might not.  But I sure wish someone could have let me know all those years ago that it's normal to run into communication problems.  In school, we're taught reading, writing & arithmatic, not basic communication skills.  One of the greatest advantages any of us can have is growing up in a family that models effective communication skills - they are rare.

Am very much a work in progress when it comes to honing my communication skills.  Praise be, am married to someone whose communication style is more or less compatible with my own.  What a difference that makes, how much I have learned from John's ability to listen without commentary, to disagree without being disagreeable.  Don't hesitate to post any of your own suggestions for nurturing effective communication.

Perhaps the most important starting point in personal communications is beginning with the shared expectation that everyone involved wants to understand, wants to be able to see other points of view, even when they don't share them.  Otherwise, it's just a bunch of yada yada yada.

NOT at a party, nor at a "relaxed family gathering" - communication tip

Oh, please pledge that you will never ever bring up a sensitive topic - especially one that family members have been ducking - at any sort of festive family gathering!

I did that with my sister-in-law ~ disastrous results.  

Peter & Mike & their wives came to dread dinner invitations from my parents, since that was when they'd spring difficult news.  It got so Peter dreaded a dinner invitation from Mom & Dad!  

It was such a relief to learn in There's Something I Have To Tell You (aka Truth Without Fear) that funky human nature tends to peg social situations - parties, family gatherings & the like - as ideal places for sharing awkward or downright difficult information.  WRONG!  While the setting makes it highly unlikely the person receiving the news will respond in a negative way, so you feel safe, it's actual effect is just the opposite, exponentially increasing negative vibes & bringing up emotional blocks to even hearing the information, then or ever.

Am not a psychologist or any sort of counselor, but can say for sure that this one bit of insight continues to stand me in good stead.  It helps me paus before bringing up potentially distressing topics at awkward times, but also helps me deal with it when I am the one being told a dreaded something.  At those times, I let the other know I appreciate the importance of the topic, then suggest we agree on a better time & place to discuss IT.  So far, it's worked pretty well.  

There is a time & place for very thing.  Family gatherings & social events are wrong, on so many levels.  Let parties, at-home dinners, meals out be fun & relaxing, memorable only for good times! 

#1 thing to help anyone rise above a fear of death

Live a good life.  Live it because it is the right thing to do.  Not because it will win you brownie points or get you through the Pearly Gates.  Live it because being there for other people is what we were put here to do.  That's not a matter of faith, just observation.  Don't have to be even spiritual, let alone religious, to realize that life is meant to reflect healthy interdependence.  Because everything else ends in a dead end.

Life a good life & a good death will follow.  Maybe not an easy one, but good.

 

Communication Tip - bearing witness

Inspired by the atrociously awful suggestion that relaxed family gatherings like Thanksgiving are great times to bring up sensitive topics - like end-of-life issues - am sharing what I've learned over the years, from a variety of sources, about successfully communicating essential yet difficult information to folks who matter.

My first serious conversation happened back in the early 1980s.  It involved my brother, my mother, and ultimately my sister.  Mom was getting ready to head down on one of her trips to visit brother #2 in Australia & would be gone for about four or five months.  Leaving me with my significantly older brother, who'd been staying with us for months.  

Problem was, he never lifted a finger to help around the house, never contributed toward expenses.  Mom was delighted having her first-born with us & never asked him to do anything.  I, his baby sister, had a problem with it.  

Realizing it would be disaster with Mom gone, I met with them, sharing it was critical to me that he be gainfully employed by the time Mom left.  It was that or out he went.  He was okay with that, she was okay with that.  I wanted to get the agreement certified by an notary public, but Mom was clear that she thought that was a bit too much.  

For over a month before Mom left, it certainly looked like my brother was heading out to work every day.  A few days before her departure, I asked when he expected his first pay check.  He looked at me in stunned wonderment.  

Oh, he said, newly enlightened, YOU misunderstood.  YOU thought that because I was heading out the door every morning before 8:00 a.m. & arrived home every week night around 6:00 p.m. that I was WORKING.  Oh, no - YOU completely misunderstood.  I never once said I was working.

Nor had he.  He thoroughly painted it as my goof.  

He then explained that his job started 12/01.  

Too bad.  Agreement was he needed a pay check in hand by the time Mom left & he didn't. Out he went.  

Not so fast.  

He was shocked that I would think of turning him out when his job started in just over a week.  And he turned to Mom. 

To me, he had broken our agreement.  To Mom, he was her first born.  I looked at him & saw my almost 50 year old brother;  she looked at him & saw the little boy, the promising youth.  

 He stayed.

I bring up this long narrative to point out a HUGE mistake that I made back then that I rarely (wish I could say never) made again - when Mom, my brother & I had our original discussion, the one where we ended with the agreement that he had to have a pay check by the time she bid adieu for Down Under, there was no neutral witness.  No one without a vested interest was party to the discussion.  

Lesson learned.  Ever since that infamous time, I've made a point to have a 3rd party present at any potentially difficult discussion. The person is there to help clarify what was said, to witness agreement of next steps, or even disagreements.  He or she lends a disinterested pair of eyes.

The next month, when I had to have a follow-up conversation with my brother, my older sister came out from her place in Philadelphia to bear witness to our discussion - she was only there as a neutral person, vested only in keeping faith with the agreement.  

Years later, when I had to have a conversation I'd been delaying with another person who mattered a lot to me, it was Mim & Mom who bore witness.

When I had a fantastic (not in a good way) talk with the same brother, it was Mom who bore witness.  And praise be she was there, because she would never have believed my recollection of it otherwise!  

Fast forward several years, same brother, this time the witness was a counselor.  And when Mom wanted to share with her children her desire - in her late 80s - to get a better sense of who she was, the disinterested witness to the family meeting was her psychologist. 

Having a disinterested, as neutral as possible witness helps anyone actively involved in the discussion stay as balanced as possible.  It should always be someone everyone respects.  That way, if the witness thinks I'm creatively remembering things that weren't said, I can respect that & rethink my recollection. The same with the other person.  As I said, in one situation no one would have believed that my oldest brother could possibly have said a particular statement - but Mom was there & knew he did!  

So, that's one of the key things I've found works in helping encourage healthy communication that yields positive results - enlist someone to just be there, to hear what's said, to confirm agreements, to be fair to all parties.   

That's not to say the discussion will go smoothly or have the satisfactory result you hoped for.  Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.  My siblings did not take at all well to their mother deciding she wanted to get a better idea of who she was & what she wanted rather than looking to others to let her know.  Having a disinterested witness didn't make that conversation have the results Mom had hoped for - but it did help her know that she'd given it her best shot (or, as Mom would say, "had shot her bow").  

The goal isn't next steps or agreement or even connection.  It knowing you've done your best to provide information, clarity & context.  

 

experts aren't always right

"Just because they're an expert doesn't mean they're right."  

Wise words learned at my mother's knee.  And perhaps nowhere more apt than in an article by the usually stellar Karen Wyatt, M.D. offering tips on talking about end-of-life issues with loved ones who balk at the topic.  She shares a suggestion from Paul Malley, another esteemed eldering expert (he's president of Aging with Dignity), that has I consider the front runner for Worst Advice of 2014.

The advice is so bad, this post doesn't even include a link to it.  Instead, check out The Conversation for best ways to prepare for & approach one of the most sensitive talks of your life, even more delicate than sharing or hearing the facts of life.

If you really want to prepare for The Conversation & you have the time, read Dr. Charles Foster's excellent book, There's Something I Have To Tell You.  It's a pity this book isn't better known & read (only three Amazon reviews - just added my own).  On the up side, you can get a new copy for a rock bottom price.  Get one.  NOW!  


Whatever you do, puhleeze do NOT take the advice Dr. Wyatt shares from Paul Malley.  Trust me, if you're trying to bring up an important topic - like end-of-life issues - with others who resist every effort, the worst time & place to bring it up is a "during a relaxed family gathering where most of your significant loved ones are present."  No no no no no!

Relaxed family gatherings should remain relaxed family gatherings.  I find it hard to swallow that "some people have successfully tied in an end-of-life conversation as part of their Thanksgiving celebration – naming what they are grateful for and 'what really matters' to them at the end-of-life."  

Ever since reading that, have been trying to envision that family Thanksgiving feast, the children enjoying themselves at the kids' table, the adults ringed, elbow to elbow, around the big dining room table.  The pater familias lowers his head to give a grace, sits down, then before they dig into the turkey & fixings, go around the table for each person to share a gratitude.  They come to you.  You reach under your chair for a folder suggestion.  Looking around the table, all eyes are turned on you.  You take a deep breath & say, "I am grateful for filling out an Advance Directive outlining my end-of-life wishes.  Here's a copy for each of you."  Imagine how those faces would be looking at you now.

That was Mr. Malley's experience, and Dr. Wyatt considered it sound enough to include in her tips.  Here is my experience, using one particularly awful example of totally messing up an important conversation with someone who matters deeply to me.  

First off, understand that this included money, always a delicate subject to bring up.  I had arranged a large brunch gathering at a fabulous place.  It was my unspoken assumption that the other couple in the group would pay for themselves & hopefully one or two others.  When the bill came, I put it on my credit card, for convenience.  One of the young adults flashed me a big smile & said, "Thanks!"  Before I could say a word to the other couple, the one I had assumed would chip in, the husband said, "Yes, thanks a lot!"  

Can still feel the world coming to an full stop.  I looked down at the BIG bill, felt the chunk of funds draining from my bank account into Visa's coffers - and said nothing.  Zip. Nada.  Well, probably a faint, "You're welcome."

On the drive home with Mom & John, I metaphysically banged my head against the wall over my stupidity & cowardice in not addressing the issue on the spot.  

The situation went totally down hill from there.  I delayed bringing it up until the last possible moment, brought it up at the worst possible time in the worst possible place in the worst possible way - all of which seemed to me well crafted to a good discussion.  

Dr. Foster lays all of that out, and much more, and shows the sane way I could have handled the situation.  This one book did more to improve my personal communication & social skills than any other.  No exaggeration.  

If you are struggling to bring up any tough issues - and there are plenty related to growing older - get your hands on a copy of  There's Something I Have To Tell You.  Read it.  Then give it to the others to read.  Then get a copy for your local library.  

I might even get a copy to send Paul Malley.