experts aren't always right

"Just because they're an expert doesn't mean they're right."  

Wise words learned at my mother's knee.  And perhaps nowhere more apt than in an article by the usually stellar Karen Wyatt, M.D. offering tips on talking about end-of-life issues with loved ones who balk at the topic.  She shares a suggestion from Paul Malley, another esteemed eldering expert (he's president of Aging with Dignity), that has I consider the front runner for Worst Advice of 2014.

The advice is so bad, this post doesn't even include a link to it.  Instead, check out The Conversation for best ways to prepare for & approach one of the most sensitive talks of your life, even more delicate than sharing or hearing the facts of life.

If you really want to prepare for The Conversation & you have the time, read Dr. Charles Foster's excellent book, There's Something I Have To Tell You.  It's a pity this book isn't better known & read (only three Amazon reviews - just added my own).  On the up side, you can get a new copy for a rock bottom price.  Get one.  NOW!  


Whatever you do, puhleeze do NOT take the advice Dr. Wyatt shares from Paul Malley.  Trust me, if you're trying to bring up an important topic - like end-of-life issues - with others who resist every effort, the worst time & place to bring it up is a "during a relaxed family gathering where most of your significant loved ones are present."  No no no no no!

Relaxed family gatherings should remain relaxed family gatherings.  I find it hard to swallow that "some people have successfully tied in an end-of-life conversation as part of their Thanksgiving celebration – naming what they are grateful for and 'what really matters' to them at the end-of-life."  

Ever since reading that, have been trying to envision that family Thanksgiving feast, the children enjoying themselves at the kids' table, the adults ringed, elbow to elbow, around the big dining room table.  The pater familias lowers his head to give a grace, sits down, then before they dig into the turkey & fixings, go around the table for each person to share a gratitude.  They come to you.  You reach under your chair for a folder suggestion.  Looking around the table, all eyes are turned on you.  You take a deep breath & say, "I am grateful for filling out an Advance Directive outlining my end-of-life wishes.  Here's a copy for each of you."  Imagine how those faces would be looking at you now.

That was Mr. Malley's experience, and Dr. Wyatt considered it sound enough to include in her tips.  Here is my experience, using one particularly awful example of totally messing up an important conversation with someone who matters deeply to me.  

First off, understand that this included money, always a delicate subject to bring up.  I had arranged a large brunch gathering at a fabulous place.  It was my unspoken assumption that the other couple in the group would pay for themselves & hopefully one or two others.  When the bill came, I put it on my credit card, for convenience.  One of the young adults flashed me a big smile & said, "Thanks!"  Before I could say a word to the other couple, the one I had assumed would chip in, the husband said, "Yes, thanks a lot!"  

Can still feel the world coming to an full stop.  I looked down at the BIG bill, felt the chunk of funds draining from my bank account into Visa's coffers - and said nothing.  Zip. Nada.  Well, probably a faint, "You're welcome."

On the drive home with Mom & John, I metaphysically banged my head against the wall over my stupidity & cowardice in not addressing the issue on the spot.  

The situation went totally down hill from there.  I delayed bringing it up until the last possible moment, brought it up at the worst possible time in the worst possible place in the worst possible way - all of which seemed to me well crafted to a good discussion.  

Dr. Foster lays all of that out, and much more, and shows the sane way I could have handled the situation.  This one book did more to improve my personal communication & social skills than any other.  No exaggeration.  

If you are struggling to bring up any tough issues - and there are plenty related to growing older - get your hands on a copy of  There's Something I Have To Tell You.  Read it.  Then give it to the others to read.  Then get a copy for your local library.  

I might even get a copy to send Paul Malley.