Be careful what you wish for!

Eons ago, in my teens & young adulthood, my mother would lecture me about making more friends than just my older sister, whom I adored & yearned to be just like.  Imagine my surprise when, at 24, I made my first truly close friend & it was MOM who balked, unhappy with the very turn of events SHE had been advocating.  

I was dumbfounded, confused.  Here I was doing just what she’d been telling me to do for years  & she was the one resisting my distancing from Mim.  Can remember thinking, “What gives?!”  

In all the years Mom had argued the value of friendships outside the home, she'd never connected that less time spent with Mim meant less time spent with her, too.  

While I certainly didn't give up my new friend, which quickly blossomed into friendS, I did learn an important lesson - it’s one thing to think you want someone to do this or that differently, but how you feel if, when & how they actually do – that might be quite different. 

Fast forward almost 25 years & it was me on the other side, the one feeling blindsided by my own oft-stated desire for Mom to be more self-assertive.  This time, I was the one unprepared for how it might affect ME.  

After years of griping that Mom let her kids walk all over her, she finally grew a backbone where her wishbone used to be & actually stood up for herself, finally knew herself well enough to stand by her own beliefs & even wishes. 

Although I have no memory of what the discussion was about, can remember feeling irked at Mom bucking me on something or other.  Apparently, I was loud & clear in my complaint, because – and this I will never forget, will always remember with a smile – she drew herself up, looked me straight in the eye, and announced,  “I am doing what YOU want me to!”   

Which stopped me in my tracks.  Yes, she was.  But I' had never before experienced Mom knowing her own mind, disagreeing with me -and- having the confidence to say so.  Strange sensation, feeling both profoundly irked & button-bustin' proud.

Which brings me to my point – it’s easy for us youngers to think we want our parents or older loved ones to do this or that differently.  But we need to be careful what we wish for, because change might bring unexpected consequences. 

  

For all the years I’d lectured Mom about knowing her own mind & standing up for herself, it never dawned on me to wonder how it might FEEL.  It felt lousy.  The woman who always agreed with me was arguing a different point!  What was that all about?  Oh, yeah – knowing & speaking her own mind.

Be aware - oldersters & the elderly are capable of amazing changes, maybe even more capable than any time before, since more years lived can mean a greater perspective on life. 

My guess is that it’s the rare child or younger relative/loved one who doesn’t have something they’d love to see an oldster do differently.  Keep believing it’s possible, keep doing all you can to help them make that change, especially changes that help them get out of their own way. 

But remember – be careful what you wish for.  If they succeed, that success might have an unexpected impact on YOUR life & you have to let it be.  Go ahead – be irritated irked exasperated.  And proud that they could make the change.  Hope that you can do the same, at their age!