New tricks

There is something incredibly exciting about being in my early 60s & learning new skills.  For me, a current targeted improvement is to polish my conversation style.  

Okay, you can stop laughing.  Yes, I am a world-class talker.  What I am woeful at is charming conversation.  I don't mean yada yada yada.  I mean an interesting discussion that grows from one visit to the next, rather than repeating the same stories, however interesting.  John does it without even thinking, Mom was a master.  

Was reminded of my deficiencies the other day, dining with a grannie client & some older friends.  One, someone I greatly admire who IS an excellent communicator, let me know in the most gentle yet clear way that I tend to ramble, to be convoluted & disconnected.   

Sigh....  I have remarkably poor good conversation skills.  John is just the opposite -  he has no trouble drawing others out, at putting his thoughts into coherent sentences.  I am determined to improve!

Very well-meaning friends are dubious.  “You’re almost 65!  Ya can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is the gist of what I hear.  

Praise be, I am able to look ‘em straight in the eye & ask, “You think not?  What about Mom?”   

That gives them pause. 

My mother was a very old dog when she learned some essential new life skill tricks.  Born in 1910, Mom was raised in an era that encouraged women to put the needs of others before their own.  Some people would say Mom put her needs last.  I'd say that her needs never even made the list, that she would have been horrified to think that they should. 

It’s hard for a lot of baby boomers to understand that Mom’s attitude & expectations didn’t make her somehow less.  We – I – were raised in a culture that preached self-confidence, self-determination, self-sufficiency.  Mom, on the other hand, saw selflessness, self-deprecation, being self-effacing as feminine ideals. The reality - as hard as it may be for a boomer to accept - is that she got a lot of genuine joy & deep personal satisfaction from being a dutiful daughter, loving wife & supportive partner, nurturing mother & good friend. 

Still, my culture taught me the importance of being assertive;  Mom was raised to defer to others.  That drove me crazy.  

Mom was so focused on pleasing others, she once actually told me (a direct quote) – “I know that it is important to you that I know what I think & express it, so I need you to tell me what that is so I can say what you need to hear."  No, she wasn't joking.  To her, that made sense.

Whew!

Strange but true - that was NOT the woman I knew when Dad was alive.  The two of them gave every appearance of being true life partners.  Both had terribly sad experiences in their teens, both had experienced spectacularly bad relationships with a parent, so they both hungered for a loving relationship with a truly committed other.  They found that in each other. 

After Dad died at the far-too-young age of 63, Mom went right back to being the other-pleasing, “I’m not a factor” ways that had served her so well with others.   

The rest of my siblings seemed okay with that.  Alas, I am my father’s daughter.  From my mid-twenties, one of my great goals in life was for Mom to be able to know her own mind & feel free expressing it. For over twenty years, we butted heads.  I kept pushing her to be more assertive with her children, including me, but she resisted.  Life was not easy for either of us.

For some reason, I never gave up believing she could change.  Ultimately, as I closed in on fifty & she was entering her nineties, she did.  Astonishing. 

That was over fifteen years ago – to this day, I look to her turn-around as a shining example that change IS possible, at any age. 

In these dank, dark days of January, I am giving myself the joy of looking back at Mom’s journey to accepting that she had her own needs & they deserved consideration.  It was an amazing experience. 

Doggone it, if such Mom could – at 89! - learn such a dandy new trick as being assertive, what’s young pup like me worrying about?  Become adept at charming conversation?  Bring it on!