Ten years ago, John & I were taken by surprise when
the mother of a friend left us a bequest.
Much as I admired & looked up to Bruna & her husband, Marvin –
who lived life well – and always enjoyed connecting when they visited from
Glenview, it never dawned on me that John & I were anything more than nice
blips on their friendship radar.
Apparently, I was wrong.
When Louise called to tell me that Pete’s mother had
left us something, was intrigued.
Us? What? We nipped right over.
As we settled in on their so-familiar couch, Louise
came in from the kitchen with glasses of wine, while Pete came in from his
office with a not-small but not-big package.
John took the wine while I reached out for the bag.
John put his arm around my shoulders as I
lifted out our legacy from Bruna – a pillow, about 16” x 12”, with a tapestry
cover of deep maroon with creamy lettering proclaiming, Real love stories never have endings.
John looked at me & I looked at John, while Pete
& Louise beamed at the two of us. I
don’t think I burst into tears, but I certainly felt like it. This precious treasure, for us, from
Bruna? To this day, am amazed moved
astonished.
Am looking at it as I tip tap this posting, snugged
next to my computer instead of in its usual place of honor in the living
room. When Bruna looked at this, she
thought of us. That still leaves me
breathless.
John & I became friends with Pete’s parents after
our marriage. Even though Pete was a
classmate of my oldest brother and he & Louise were neighbors of my family
for many years and I was a long-time friend of Louise through teaching, they
were 14 years older than moi. It took
John to bring us together as friend friends.
So much so, we asked Pete to announce our engagement & he was one of
John’s ushers. Which is my long prelude
to saying that Marvin & Bruna got to know us as a couple. Although we both always thought of them as a
great pair, it never dawned on either of us that they might feel the same about
us. Until we held that pillow in our
hands.
I cut my teeth on a great love stories. Not from the Brothers Grimm, Hans Christian
Anderson or Walt Disney. From the time
my eyes could focus, I got to watch one of the great love stories of all time –
my parents’.
Mom & Dad were true partners. If ever a couple was destined for eternal love,
it was the two of them. They were not
always in agreement, but I cannot remember ever seeing either ever be
disagreeable with the other. Both had
experienced great heartbreak in their teens, Dad losing his beloved mother
& Mom her adored father, and both had challenging relationships with their
surviving parent.
According to Mom, "Aunt" Norma shared how happy she was that her step-son had found such a special woman - “He’s starved
for love & you’re clearly the one to give it.” Mom would get this big smile on her face as
she said, with great pride, “It whar my pleasure!”
Neither of my sister-in-laws put much faith in Mom
& Dad’s love story. After Dad died
at the far-too-young age of 63, both of them felt perfectly free to set Mom
right about the marriage, that she’d rewritten reality to fit her preferred
fairy tale. Apparently, Kerry was especially brutal, particularly when Mom visited her & Mike on extended trips Down Under.
Well, no one knows better than I that Mom was perfectly
capable of choosing the far rosier picture to the bleaker reality. But, sorry Pam & especially Kerry – when it
came to their relationship, Mom & Dad really did have something very
special.
Although, by the time I hit my mid-30s, even Mom was
beginning to have niggling doubts that what she’d remembered about their relationship
was real. Pam & Kerry presented very
convincing arguments that such an even-handed, open-hearted relationship just wasn’t
possible. They didn’t experience such
loving generosity in their marriages, therefore it didn’t exist in any.
And then I married John. That changed everything. Bruna’s bequest gives me the green light to say that
our marriage reflected much of what Mom remembered enjoying with
Dad.
To begin with, John & I are friends as much as we
are lovers. That is VERY important –
the lover in me might feel cut to the quick, might thirst for diabolical
revenge against my heart’s betrayer, but then the friend in me steps forward to say, “Now,
let’s just take a few deep breaths…” That inner friend doesn’t just care for John; it cares for that sweet quality
known as US.
Unlike my parents, John & I do have heated
words. Well, I do. John is the very soul of kindness &
generous spirit. When I first let loose
with a volley of distress & frustration, he looked at me in surprise, but with
compassion rather than matching fury, and asked, “What is the problem?” Asked it like he meant it. I just looked at him, jaw dropped & not
sure what I’d just heard. No one had
ever asked me that before. Again, he
asked, even more gently this time, “What is the problem?” That set the bar for our relationship. In that, we are like my parents, neither of
whom ever intentionally set out to hurt the other.
Mom didn’t see her relationship with Dad in my
relationship with John, but we did confirm for her that two people
could genuinely put the other first, could put US first. And that, it seems to me, is the gist of a
real love story. In loving each other in
the way we did, in respecting & loving our relationship as key to our
partnership, we gave her back 100% faith that what she remembered was no airy fairy
tale, but very real.
Real love
stories never have endings.
Marvin & Bruna are gone, it’s been over 13 years since Mom was reunited
with her O! Best Beloved. Pete &
Louise are still setting us a great example of strong, loving partners. And John & I keep doing what we do best –
love each other. As he says, it’s not
always easy, but it’s always worth it.
Last night, looking at the pillow, tucked into its
place of honor, I got to thinking about the epic role models we’ve
had & have on our marriage journey.
Older ones like Marvin & Bruna, Mom & Dad. Closer-to-our-age couples like Peggy &
Jack, Pete & Louise. Contemporaries
like Gretchen & Andrew, Hilary & Michael. Younger ones like John & Lori, Shannon & Jason. And mere babies like Solomon
& Tirah, Mike & Stella. No two
relationships alike, none possible to fully understand & fully appreciate
(not even to the twosome).
Been pondering, looking at the pillow & thinking about how both sister-in-laws seemed to find it impossible to accept that Mom & Dad really did have a genuinely healthy, whole, mutually supportive marriage relationship. My parents didn't delve into & pick apart the inner workings of their marriage. They came from a generation that soldiered on during the tough times, that didn't parse what each other said, didn't look for hidden agendas & cloaked meanings. I remember Pam once saying, "Mama, no one says what they really mean." She couldn't grasp that Mom & Dad did, that they expected that what YOU said was what YOU meant.
Can remember telling Ken Stroh - a long-time family friend who was not far from Mom & Dad in age but an even closer friend, with his wife, Janina, to myself & John - how my sister-in-laws agreed that Dad dominated Mom. Ken burst out laughing. Best response!
John & I are grateful that we've had excellent role models of strong marriages in our lives. Marvin & Bruna are never far from our thoughts, as close by as their beloved bequest. We are both grateful to have parents who were - like Marvin & Bruna - part of the Greatest Generation. From them, and others, we learned to focus on the basics of community & family, friends & faith. That we are best served by a life of service. To shoulder a sense of personal responsibility and live with honor. Be true to your principles & leave the party with the one you came with. Pretty fine qualities to pass along.
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