past PRESENT future

Even the greatest scoffers who tells me it’s futile to try putting the brakes on ageism, that it’s foolish to envision pulling  off a course correction with our dismal culture around aging & the aged, can see ways to change their own attitude.  That’s a start!  From tiny acorns, mighty oak trees grow!

In the wee small hours of this morning, doing my best to be a comforting presence to my cold-infested husband while keeping a healthy distance, it dawned on me how much working with oldsters & the elderly feels like a balancing act.  

It’s true that our current culture is infected with a nasty strain of ageism, messaging that the older & elderly are less productive, less valued & valuable than the young & fairly young.  It’s also true that there are many things once commonplace in their lives that oldsters & ancients aren’t asked to do, don’t have the opportunities to do, sometimes just can’t do things.  

We can help restore a better sense of balance by helping older friends family clients see how much WE value them, while also opening a space & opportunity for them to experience a sense of loss over all that they once valued in their lives that is no more.    

Working with oldsters & elderly clients, it’s clear that to move forward, it’s important that they see what was.  We need to encourage them to see it & grieve it, let them feel the loss, rather than ignore or negate it. 

What a blessing it was, having an elderly mother more curious about what was over the next hill in her life than fixated on needing a walker to get there.  I learned so much from Mom’s exploration of her own aging!   

In a 07/13/00 e-mail to her devoted e-mail dist list, Mom  wrote about facing the paradox that before she could be “freed of limitation, before boundaries can be dissolved, they must first be defined.”    

It was more than a great attitude that freed Mom to do as much as she did, even throughout that last week of hospice care.   I played a role, too, encouraging her to hold in her heart cherished roles that were no more, less herself miss them, then move forward to tackle what she could with what she had wherever she was.   

Even though she was long past the unlimited options of youth, the many options of younger adulthood, Mom kept her eye on what could be done within any situation or circumstance.  

It started by acknowledging what she couldn’t do, letting herself grieve it, then moving past.  I learned with & from Mom that we need to see what’s been lost & grieve it before we can truly move on.  

It’s a defining moment the first time a grannie client is all down in the dumps about things once loved that are no more.  Instead of trying to get my older friends to brush it off, to jolly up & be happy in the moment - as most youngers do - I acknowledge their sadness & encourage them to talk about it, to describe more, share more.  The startled look on their face, realizing I'm not trying to get them to see "the good side,"  Startled, and usually relieved to find it's okay to feel something other than happy!

That's how I intend to remember things,  The day may come when I can no longer drive along beautiful back roads, no longer bake goodies for our local college, no longer write blog posts.  I intend to cherish their memory, miss them, then look around to see what’s waiting to be done.   It’s hard to see what waiting right at hand to be done when your eyes & heart are stuck on & in the past.

I have a friend in her very early seventies.  Due to health problems, she lives in a nursing home, barely able to wheel herself around the hallways, let alone get out into the larger world.  Instead, the larger world comes to her.  Not through e-mail or instant messaging – she dislikes digital media.  Instead, she combines the new with the old, keeping up to date via social media ~ especially Facebook ~ while dashing off hand-written notes, sending cards, even postcards she designs herself.  Happy recipients treasure them & usually send back a note of their own.  Rather than feeling all “woe is me” & dwelling on what was, my friend’s busy doing all she can with all she has right where she is.  She misses all that was & enjoys talking about days gone by, but her focus is on what is, what can be. 

One of the way youngers like myself can help the oldsters, elderly & ancients in our lives enjoy a happier here & now is by talking about the things they once did that gave a sense of fulfillment.  If they do, be sure to watch their face, be aware of their body language as they talk.  Spirits & bodies seem to get younger as they linger over  memories of  tennis matches, baking epic desserts, checking out country antique stores .  Enjoy the visit, just don’t let them dwell there! 

One of Mom’s dist list wondered, after reading some Mindwalker1910 postings,  “Why do we have a concept of aging as leaving us stuck, unable to change, when really the  growth keeps right on going, maybe right out of the ceilings of our cramped  opinion?”   

Maybe one reason for my success working with oldsters & the elderly is that I encourage them to see all that was, to grieve what was lost, to honor it & then move on, experiencing the growth that keeps right on going, hopefully out of the ceilings of once-cramped opinions about aging, ageism & what lies before them.