unexpected lesson

We typically learn more from bitter lessons than from sweet.  That's certainly been true with an older friend of ours, someone we expected to be seeing regularly throughout any given week, someone we see less & less.  We'd hoped to take him out to lunch this afternoon & on a ramble, but got the call from his regular care partner that he's home-bound today, only heading out with her for a physical therapy appointment. 

Didn't feel comfortable suggesting we come over to the house with some nibblings & a copy of Thank Your Lucky Stars or Sabrina (Bogey, not Ford).  He's part of a close-knit clan, lives with a daughter & her family.  She is heart & soul committed to his care, but is - at her own admission - juggling more out-of-home commitments than when her father became part of their household. 

Both John & I wish we knew when she was going to be away on business, when her work requires her to be secluded in her office or if she's maxed out with meetings.  We'd love to bring over a meal or munchy, take her dad out on a drive (springtime arrived early in SE PA & everything's blooming like crazy) or bring over some of the classic movie dvds we purchased on his recommendation.

But the call never comes, the e-mail or text message never arrives.  Will swing by tomorrow with a copy of our schedule for the next ten days, along with some of the movie titles we have waiting for his perusal, our phone #, e-mail address & LOTS of hearts.  That's all we can do.

It's a priceless education, but the cost is being born by a dear friend who has repeatedly made it clear he enjoys heading out with us & looks forward to watching some of the flicks waiting none too patiently to be busted out of their cellophane packaging.  He is not a relative, the family are not our longtime friends.  It feels like his life is so much more restricted & home bound than needs be.

Sadly, there is no talking to his daughter, who thinks she knows all that needs to be known & then some.  This is the person who stopped reading Atul Gawande's priceless Being Mortal because she didn't need it, already knows it all.  

I've been & am blessed to work with a broad range of clients & families, each bringing their unique approach to providing help & support.  This is my first experience with someone newly thrown into the challenge of an elderly, mentally challenged loved one who thinks she knows - a priori - all there is to know.  Am sure she is not alone, that what we are discovering will stand us in good stead with others.  

To switch from a teaching to a coaching analogy, John & I are finding it tough being sidelined, so decisively benched, but we're taking it as an invaluable, albeit unexpected lesson... and looking forward to getting back in the game!