NOTHING about yesterday's grannie client jaunt turned out as planned. And it all went beyond expectations!
A glorious Monday, the plan was to make an extended outing to Lancaster County, traveling my beloved Route 23, which is from Phoenixville to New Holland is basically all ridge road - what glorious views of hills & sky beckoned us!
I'd expected to do lunch at my g.c.'s senior community residence - until just one peek at the day's selections. Sorry, but bor-ing! My g.c. was definitely deflated by the offerings. So, off we went to the car & on our way!
Lunch - an incredibly low $12! - was at the always epic Feast & Fancy, in Springhouse. My g.c. had generous scoops of three utterly yum salads - fruit, cucumber & potato over a bed of lovely lettuce - while i tucked into seasoned beans, carrot/raisin & cucumber. Oh, and lemonade & V& plus decadent chocolate chip cookies! Picked up a just-right, dirt cheap anniversary present from John to me (hey, it was on sale) & found the perfect "from his heart" gift for him to give me - that one, he will have to go up & get (a Liztech tack of a hand forming "I love you" in sign language).
My ego was greatly fluffed by our lunch - the ladies oooed & ahhhhed over how I look. Felt great!
Ego & tummies both filled, we headed westward. Little did I know what lay ahead.
Shopping centers. Cookie cutter shopping centers, littering the road sides of Route 13. Was so disappointed.
For my grannie client, it was even worse, if that was possible. She was bored. B O R E D. She wanted nothing more than to turn around & head home from such a dull slog. We nipped into a restaurant with a good reputation for excellent ice cream (it was), then turned tail homeward. Down Rt. 10.
Now, I rarely take Route 10. And never south. I prefer a tiny country road that winds down & is bordered with jaw-dropping farm gardens. Had no idea what lay ahead of us.
Beauty. Beauty stretched out before us. And prosperous farms. And horse-drawn buggies. And looong clotheslines, wash fluttering in the breeze. And trees - lots & lots of trees.
My grannie client just could not get over the abundance of trees. They totally wowed her. She loved the narrow road, loved the up & down, up & down of the only slightly homeward bound lanes. I just followed my nose - and a very wise nose it was.
We were in an area that probably 99% of my friends & acquaintances don't know very well. Because of my sister, I am happily familiar with this lovely stretch of Pennsylvania.
How old was I when Mim was nanny to Mary Alice Malone's step daughters? In my late 20s? Early 30s? Will have to ask her. In any case, it was after the demise of the van, so Mim often needed me to be her delighted wheels. Which is how I came to know Iron Spring Farm, as well as its surrounding environs. All of which stood me in excellent stead yesterday, dropping down down down Rt. 10.
It felt in my bones like a route would pop up after Parkesburg to head me back east & sure enough - there was Rt. 926 & the spark of an ancient memory that this was it. What a lovely meander it was, through more lush farms & cozy little villages. What memories sparked as we headed up Rt. 52 - so many drives with various combinations of Dad & Mom & Mim! All of them were with us as we headed toward West Chester.
West Chester has long been dear to my heart, so it was great fun to drive through the heart of that charming town, then heading over (ghastly commercial) Rt. 3 to be-calm-my-beating-heart Strasburg Road.
Dad introduced me to Strasburg Road (which becomes Goshen Road), one of my favorite stretches of road on the planet. Right up there with the Lincoln & Kelly Drives. By this time, my g.c. was beyond amazed - "Do you know EVERY road around here?" - and totally entranced. Why do people take the big roads when such a total charmer gets them to where they're going with less stress & more smiles? Unlike Rt. 23, this beloved road seemed unchanged through the 40+ years I've loved it.
Until we came up to Rt. 252. Breaks my heart to see the gosh awful development that has destroyed what had been John DuPont's massive estate. Nauseating.
Headed up Rt. 252 to Paoli, with Nudy's in Devon our intended dinner destination. My grannie client's opinion of my knowledge of the Main Line grew even deeper, stronger as we turned down itty bitty, oddly skewed E. Conestoga Rd to Nudy's - which was closed! Never realized it only serves breakfast & lunch! Not even slight twinges of regret as we headed under the railroad overpass, toward ridge-ish Upper Gulph Road.
Dipped down Arden Road, left onto Rt. 320, then almost immediately right & right again onto Balligomingo Road, which looks the way it sounds - marvelous - which took us to Front Street (parallel to the Schuylkill River) & Conshohocken.
My g.c. loved saying the name, over & over - Conshohocken.
By the time we headed left up Butler Pike, was running through our dining choices. Brittingham's was out - not open on Mondays. Scoogi's in Flourtown would be okay, but we went there recently. Figured where to go would present itself.
Did it ever! As we were driving past a diner notorious over the past couple decades for frequent change of owners, I spotted yet another new name - PUDGE'S. Pudge's? Seriously?? O be joyful!
Have been a fan of Pudge's ever since my US Healthcare days, going on thirty years ago. Surely a place that boasted perhaps the best cheesesteak in the area would have terrific burgers, beloved by this particular g.c. What a great experience! She actually had a blt, while I tucked into a grilled veggie sandwich that was every bit as fabulous as I remembered the meat version.
If anyone had told me this morning that supper would be a vegetarian-style Pudge's cheesesteak, would have thought them nuts. Yet there we were, two happy campers chomping away on our mega tasty supper!
The rest of the drive was capped with more loveliness - through Erdenheim, past Chestnut Hill College, through the village of Chestnut Hill, then on to my grannie client's hearth & home.
As I said, nothing turned out yesterday the way I'd expected, and it all turned out fabulous. Pudge's for dinner? Seriously? YES!!!
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
to & fro
John mentioned - several times - on our drive into last night's Death Cafe how much a jazz-loving grannie client would have loved last night's adventure.
Although storm clouds were gathering, it was a wondrous ride into Center City, taking the circuitous yet so much calmer route through Chestnut Hill, along the Lincoln & Kelly Drives, past the Art Museum, up the Parkway, over to Walnut, then up 19th St to our $12 (!) parking.
It's always a pleasure for me (if few others) to drive the windy Lincoln Drive, hugging the Wissahickon Creek. Knockout beauty all around! And there were dragon boats on the Schuylkill! Oh, how she would have reveled at the sight of those extra long shells with ALL those paddlers!
The swing past the Art Museum was flawless & the fountains at Logan Circle looked especially merry, with City Hall serving as a Beaux Art back drop.
She wouldn't have enjoyed the five city block walk to the gathering, although she would have been intrigued by the shops & restaurants & architecture we nipped past.
She absolutely would have gloried in hastily hoofing it back to Square on Square in time for the last bit of the All-Star Jazz Trio's second set & the ENTIRE final swing. Featuring, to our surprised & profound wonder, Peggy King! We'll keep to our selves what a magical experience it was, hearing the four of them singing classics from the American Song Book.
Praise be, the trio & Peggy will be playing at the Ambler Theater in early October, so hopefully my g.c. will get to hear her there!
The special surprises of the evening didn't end when Peggy said her adieu, around the middle of the final set. Andy had ANOTHER older chanteuse join them for a fabulous rendition of Once I Had A Secret Love. The woman owned the room & even put Doris Day's rendition of the song in the shade!
Floated out the door to our car & a stunning night drive down the West River Drive. May all our Death Cafe gatherings have such unforgettable beginnings & flourishing ends!
Why write a post about an outing that did NOT include a grannie client? Because four out of the five performers last night were over 65 - Peggy is 84 & going strong, with concerts over the past two months in L.A., in Manhattan, in Atlantic City, with several more coming up, including the gig at Ambler's Act II theater. WOW! My idea of fabulous eldering!!
Although storm clouds were gathering, it was a wondrous ride into Center City, taking the circuitous yet so much calmer route through Chestnut Hill, along the Lincoln & Kelly Drives, past the Art Museum, up the Parkway, over to Walnut, then up 19th St to our $12 (!) parking.
It's always a pleasure for me (if few others) to drive the windy Lincoln Drive, hugging the Wissahickon Creek. Knockout beauty all around! And there were dragon boats on the Schuylkill! Oh, how she would have reveled at the sight of those extra long shells with ALL those paddlers!
The swing past the Art Museum was flawless & the fountains at Logan Circle looked especially merry, with City Hall serving as a Beaux Art back drop.
She wouldn't have enjoyed the five city block walk to the gathering, although she would have been intrigued by the shops & restaurants & architecture we nipped past.
She absolutely would have gloried in hastily hoofing it back to Square on Square in time for the last bit of the All-Star Jazz Trio's second set & the ENTIRE final swing. Featuring, to our surprised & profound wonder, Peggy King! We'll keep to our selves what a magical experience it was, hearing the four of them singing classics from the American Song Book.
Praise be, the trio & Peggy will be playing at the Ambler Theater in early October, so hopefully my g.c. will get to hear her there!
The special surprises of the evening didn't end when Peggy said her adieu, around the middle of the final set. Andy had ANOTHER older chanteuse join them for a fabulous rendition of Once I Had A Secret Love. The woman owned the room & even put Doris Day's rendition of the song in the shade!
Floated out the door to our car & a stunning night drive down the West River Drive. May all our Death Cafe gatherings have such unforgettable beginnings & flourishing ends!
Why write a post about an outing that did NOT include a grannie client? Because four out of the five performers last night were over 65 - Peggy is 84 & going strong, with concerts over the past two months in L.A., in Manhattan, in Atlantic City, with several more coming up, including the gig at Ambler's Act II theater. WOW! My idea of fabulous eldering!!
attended my first Death Cafe
John & I headed into Center City Philadelphia for our first - certainly not last - Death Cafe. A fairly recent phenom, Death Cafes are a place for people to gather & talk about death & dying as they eat & drink.
Our gathering was at Le Pain Quotidien, in the heart of Philadelphia. We parked a (long) five blocks away, near Square on Square. Hey, it was a Wednesday night - figured if the gathering finished at 8:30, as scheduled, we'd hoof it back to 19th & Chestnut in plenty of time to catch at least one set of the All-Stars Jazz Trio.
Both of us enjoyed the walk down & over to the restaurant, in spite of threatening clouds. Introductions had already started by the time we arrived. What a rich range of experience & interests!
Since discussion is confidential, can't share a lot, except to say that it was well worth the drive into the city. A lot of interesting insights, opinions and expectations. There were people there with gobs of experience in working with the dying, even one woman who had written a book touching on the subject.
To the person who was dismissive of my own book on inter-generational activities for grandparents & other grand friends - where was the science behind them? had to explain that the words "dementia" & "Alzheimer's" would be noticeably absence - may I repeat that my credentials don't include MSW or PhD, but am quite comfortable with tried & true LOVE.
A few seemed put off because my focus is on LIVING. This was a discussion about death! But the young lady to my right, who had to leave soon after we arrived, got it - life & death go hand in hand. When Mom spent a good part of her last week answering e-mails from local college Psych 101 students about transitioning, she focused on her still strong elan vital more than on the mundane details of pegging out.
Now that I'm more tuned into the Death Cafe dynamics, there are a lot of areas that beckon. Our culture seems so messed up when it comes to our expectations of death & even more so our (reasonable) fear of a prolonged dying. What are the purposes of the deterioration process, whether it happens at the end of a long life flow, as it did for Mom, or interrupts it mid-stream, as happened with Dad? How can we approach death with reverence & even difficult deaths with a full awareness of being useful to our final breath? Beyond questions of the purpose of death, how do we live out a lifelong partnership with death, what do we find purposeful about our relationship to death?
The key dynamic of strangers talking about their views feelings hopes about death & dying is the very underpinning of a Death Cafe. Strangers - and not a one allowed to stand on a soap box to promote his or her beliefs, each one required to respect the others.
Most of the participants at last night's cafe were boomers, with a few older & several younger, but there's no age limitation - anyone with an interest, for whatever reason, in dying & death.
One young woman who had planned on being there for some time had a fresh reason for seeking counsel - her best friend's brother had been killed just the day before in a terrible accident. How could she best support her friend, she asked. That opened up some of the best discussion of the evening.
Imagine hearing, over a span of gatherings, how a variety of people experience dying & death, from childhood to the present day. To learn how they've broached or handled the deterioration or sudden deaths of loved ones. How do they mourn? What does grief look like, feel like to them? How have they talked about the future with a seriously ill parent, with a child diagnosed with a terminal condition, with a critically injured friend? What steps have people taken to prepare for their own death, whatever the age?
Sorry if it seemed sort of out of place last night, but my personal attitude toward death will always be to see even the most difficult - my vibrant father suffering the realization that his cancer-inflicted brain was working against him, not with him; a friend's mother suffering through Parkinson's; a cousin's daughter suddenly gone after a car crash; my own brother shot dead at 11 - as walking hand in hand with life.
That's my Death Cafe story & I'm sticking with it! What would yours be? What would you like to share, hear about dying & death? More news coming on the next Death Cafe, maybe even one organized by this future death doula!
Our gathering was at Le Pain Quotidien, in the heart of Philadelphia. We parked a (long) five blocks away, near Square on Square. Hey, it was a Wednesday night - figured if the gathering finished at 8:30, as scheduled, we'd hoof it back to 19th & Chestnut in plenty of time to catch at least one set of the All-Stars Jazz Trio.
Both of us enjoyed the walk down & over to the restaurant, in spite of threatening clouds. Introductions had already started by the time we arrived. What a rich range of experience & interests!
Since discussion is confidential, can't share a lot, except to say that it was well worth the drive into the city. A lot of interesting insights, opinions and expectations. There were people there with gobs of experience in working with the dying, even one woman who had written a book touching on the subject.
To the person who was dismissive of my own book on inter-generational activities for grandparents & other grand friends - where was the science behind them? had to explain that the words "dementia" & "Alzheimer's" would be noticeably absence - may I repeat that my credentials don't include MSW or PhD, but am quite comfortable with tried & true LOVE.
A few seemed put off because my focus is on LIVING. This was a discussion about death! But the young lady to my right, who had to leave soon after we arrived, got it - life & death go hand in hand. When Mom spent a good part of her last week answering e-mails from local college Psych 101 students about transitioning, she focused on her still strong elan vital more than on the mundane details of pegging out.
Now that I'm more tuned into the Death Cafe dynamics, there are a lot of areas that beckon. Our culture seems so messed up when it comes to our expectations of death & even more so our (reasonable) fear of a prolonged dying. What are the purposes of the deterioration process, whether it happens at the end of a long life flow, as it did for Mom, or interrupts it mid-stream, as happened with Dad? How can we approach death with reverence & even difficult deaths with a full awareness of being useful to our final breath? Beyond questions of the purpose of death, how do we live out a lifelong partnership with death, what do we find purposeful about our relationship to death?
The key dynamic of strangers talking about their views feelings hopes about death & dying is the very underpinning of a Death Cafe. Strangers - and not a one allowed to stand on a soap box to promote his or her beliefs, each one required to respect the others.
Most of the participants at last night's cafe were boomers, with a few older & several younger, but there's no age limitation - anyone with an interest, for whatever reason, in dying & death.
One young woman who had planned on being there for some time had a fresh reason for seeking counsel - her best friend's brother had been killed just the day before in a terrible accident. How could she best support her friend, she asked. That opened up some of the best discussion of the evening.
Imagine hearing, over a span of gatherings, how a variety of people experience dying & death, from childhood to the present day. To learn how they've broached or handled the deterioration or sudden deaths of loved ones. How do they mourn? What does grief look like, feel like to them? How have they talked about the future with a seriously ill parent, with a child diagnosed with a terminal condition, with a critically injured friend? What steps have people taken to prepare for their own death, whatever the age?
Sorry if it seemed sort of out of place last night, but my personal attitude toward death will always be to see even the most difficult - my vibrant father suffering the realization that his cancer-inflicted brain was working against him, not with him; a friend's mother suffering through Parkinson's; a cousin's daughter suddenly gone after a car crash; my own brother shot dead at 11 - as walking hand in hand with life.
That's my Death Cafe story & I'm sticking with it! What would yours be? What would you like to share, hear about dying & death? More news coming on the next Death Cafe, maybe even one organized by this future death doula!
Monday, August 18, 2014
You go, girl!
Sometimes, it feels like the Universe sends a "You go, girl!" shout out my way. Like this morning...
As a grannie client & I got onto the elevator at her "senior
lifestyle community," an artist friend of John's & two women were
already going down.
Gave him a big smile as I entered the elevator & said, "Hi! I'm John Murphy's wife."
He smiled back & said, "You came to my house, didn't
you?"
"Sure did," I answered. "John's working on a painting for the
Phillips' Mill art show - a cat!"
"Tell John, I want to see
it!" he responded enthusiastically.
Gee, I thought, exiting the elevator, he wasn't as affected by dementia as I'd heard. We got out, he
& the others remained.
As the doors closed, his wife said, all excited, to the
other woman, "Did you HEAR that?!! Did you HEAR him!!"
Oh, my!
It was
probably the art that made a difference, like to think it was my smile,
too.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Chrysalis
Think about it - if caterpillars approached the changes that come with getting older in the same way many humans do, we'd have no butterflies. They'd refuse to spin the cocoon, let alone allow almost 100% of their ground-walking selves dissolve into something different. But, unlike humans, they don't "know" any better.
Who are the clueless ones? The caterpillar, who accepts as nature's way the changes necessary to become something unimaginable, or the human, kicking resisting denying that any change is happening, let alone accepting that it is nature's way, the gateway to something equally unimaginable & just as spectacular as a butterfly.
Who are the clueless ones? The caterpillar, who accepts as nature's way the changes necessary to become something unimaginable, or the human, kicking resisting denying that any change is happening, let alone accepting that it is nature's way, the gateway to something equally unimaginable & just as spectacular as a butterfly.
Why "Gran-FAM-boly!"?
If there's already books out there on fun for seniors, with activities for the elderly & with dementia, why write another, one envisioned as the first of a to-be-determined series?
I'm impressed with Mary Schulte's book on activities for older people - it's extensive, with a variety of possibilities, including a section dedicated to things to do with guys. Looking forward to recommending it to everyone - in my book.
It's easy to see how Gran-FAM-boly! (just in bold, no link - yet) will be similar. How will it be different? Why write a book of intergenerational activities for grandparents, great-aunts & uncles, and other grand friends with a perfectly good one already done & available?
My book is teeny compared to Mary's. There will be a tiny fraction of the activities Mary includes in her kindle book - no more than twenty-five, maybe fewer. There will be a hard copy edition, as well as an e-book. And it will be devoted exclusively to drawing generations together.
The success of Mary's book confirms that there's a market for books dedicated to engaging, energizing & empowering older people. This time next year, I hope Mary will recommending MY book to her friends & family.
A young friend, Merry Farmer, believes the present day publishing world is more exciting than it's been since Gutenberg. Guess she is proof positive, since she's been enjoying success with her romance novels. Did Merry sit there & say, "There are so many romance novels out there already, I should just chuck any idea of writing my own."?? No, because HER novels weren't out there,yet. Why Gran-FAM-boly!? Because it's inside me, itching to get OUT.
I'm impressed with Mary Schulte's book on activities for older people - it's extensive, with a variety of possibilities, including a section dedicated to things to do with guys. Looking forward to recommending it to everyone - in my book.
It's easy to see how Gran-FAM-boly! (just in bold, no link - yet) will be similar. How will it be different? Why write a book of intergenerational activities for grandparents, great-aunts & uncles, and other grand friends with a perfectly good one already done & available?
My book is teeny compared to Mary's. There will be a tiny fraction of the activities Mary includes in her kindle book - no more than twenty-five, maybe fewer. There will be a hard copy edition, as well as an e-book. And it will be devoted exclusively to drawing generations together.
The success of Mary's book confirms that there's a market for books dedicated to engaging, energizing & empowering older people. This time next year, I hope Mary will recommending MY book to her friends & family.
A young friend, Merry Farmer, believes the present day publishing world is more exciting than it's been since Gutenberg. Guess she is proof positive, since she's been enjoying success with her romance novels. Did Merry sit there & say, "There are so many romance novels out there already, I should just chuck any idea of writing my own."?? No, because HER novels weren't out there,yet. Why Gran-FAM-boly!? Because it's inside me, itching to get OUT.
semi-crouching Tigger, heavin' draggin'
Wonderful time last night, at our local swim club's sure-to-be-annual "Ladies Night." A small but awesome band of young women came out - in spite of early rain - to glory in having the whole pool to themselves. My thanks to the two guys who stuck around until 9 to do life guard duty. Then, they were gone, the gals were out of the pool, and it was time to just kick back & party.
It turned out to be a major milestone night for me. I didn't take my bathing suit, since I'd assumed it would be like other parties this season - no swimming. And there were these delightful young women - all young enough to be my daughters, maybe granddaughters - IN THE POOL.
"Dangle your legs from the edge," they shouted out.
And I did. Even though it meant making a complete debilitated spectacle of myself.
I have some serious issues with my left leg. Have for over 10 years. Had to haul over a stable chair & use it to help me ease - too clumsy for words - down to the pool skirt. But what a reward to dangle my legs in the water! Tempted to slip right in, my young friends were having such a good time.
Fun beyond description to watch two of them scootle over to the diving board for an impromptu competition!
As the life guard prepared to leave & the aqua belles left the pool, it was time for me to do a reverse of my getting down routine. Knew it would be twice as tough as the descent. If only there was video of my antics, convincing my protesting lower body that it truly wanted to heave itself up off the edge, then up to semi-crouching position, grab the chair arm, then - in full view - heave the rest of me up.
Instead of feeling mortified, a strong sense of the Gramster swept through me. She would never have let embarrassment over the fact of physical struggles keep her from a fun time! When opportunity presented itself, neither did I.
In that moment of awkward triumph, as I walked away from the pool and toward a spread of appetizers & pitchers of margaritas, strode right pass a major milestone in my own healthy, whole aging!
It turned out to be a major milestone night for me. I didn't take my bathing suit, since I'd assumed it would be like other parties this season - no swimming. And there were these delightful young women - all young enough to be my daughters, maybe granddaughters - IN THE POOL.
"Dangle your legs from the edge," they shouted out.
And I did. Even though it meant making a complete debilitated spectacle of myself.
I have some serious issues with my left leg. Have for over 10 years. Had to haul over a stable chair & use it to help me ease - too clumsy for words - down to the pool skirt. But what a reward to dangle my legs in the water! Tempted to slip right in, my young friends were having such a good time.
Fun beyond description to watch two of them scootle over to the diving board for an impromptu competition!
As the life guard prepared to leave & the aqua belles left the pool, it was time for me to do a reverse of my getting down routine. Knew it would be twice as tough as the descent. If only there was video of my antics, convincing my protesting lower body that it truly wanted to heave itself up off the edge, then up to semi-crouching position, grab the chair arm, then - in full view - heave the rest of me up.
Instead of feeling mortified, a strong sense of the Gramster swept through me. She would never have let embarrassment over the fact of physical struggles keep her from a fun time! When opportunity presented itself, neither did I.
In that moment of awkward triumph, as I walked away from the pool and toward a spread of appetizers & pitchers of margaritas, strode right pass a major milestone in my own healthy, whole aging!
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
BIG diff
Sobering to realize one of the big differences between Mom & I - when she realized something would benefit her, she consistently followed through with doing it. (I don't.)
When, early in her marriage, she had trouble getting pregnant & Dr. Bennett prescribed somewhat exotic (for back then), yoga-like exercises to right a diagnosed internal malfunction, she did them. With five children as proof of the effectiveness.
When she developed back problems & Dr. Veeck prescribed a daily walk, a set of exercises to do every day & an afternoon nap, she followed through to the end of her days. In her upper 80s & low 90s, when she couldn't walk around our neighborhood as she once did, she traipsed up & down our street; when she couldn't do that, she walked around our back yard; when she couldn't do that, she walked around the kitchen island; when she couldn't do that, she did foot/leg exercises sitting in the big chair in the living room, the one that Brenda describes as being in the Stickley style. To her final days, even when she was home that last week of hospice, she still did the breath work exercises she'd added to her regime several years before.
When we were driving down to DisneyWorld in 1997 - dhe was 87 - and she heard Stephen Covey say something on one of the audiotapes we played on the way down, she asked me to replay it. Then asked me to replay that short segment again... and again. "Between stimulus & response is a moment when you can change your response." All her adult life, she'd say, "I've always done that," dismissing potential criticism of something questionable. Here, zipping down the interstate, she heard for the first time - from an authoritative source, not her baby - she could change a response, even a lifelong reaction. From that AH HA moment in the car, heading down I-95, she did take every opportunity to insert a moment between current stimulus & ancient response.
When, in her high 80s, she sought professional psychological counseling to get a better idea who SHE was, separate from others, her psychologist saw her for only two hours before reaching the conclusion that Mom "knows what do do, now go out & do it." And she did! Right off the bat, asking more questions, letting herself turn down requests if they were inconvenient or even if she just didn't want to do it (!).
When Mom was told about an important way to do something, something considerably outside her experience & even comfort zone, if it made sense to her, she did it.
I don't. BIG difference between mother & daughter. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Isn't the considerably older person meant to get stuck in their ways & resist change? In Mom's case, not so. And if not so in her case, my guess is it's not so in many cases, where we youngers wouldn't begin to expect change was possible. How much we can learn, when we doff the allure of stereotyping people.
Thinking about how much better the world would be if all of us youngers look to an excellent quality in the olders & elders of our acquaintance & did everything in our power to emulate it. In my case, starting with Mom's trait of seeing a better way & TAKING it.
When, early in her marriage, she had trouble getting pregnant & Dr. Bennett prescribed somewhat exotic (for back then), yoga-like exercises to right a diagnosed internal malfunction, she did them. With five children as proof of the effectiveness.
When she developed back problems & Dr. Veeck prescribed a daily walk, a set of exercises to do every day & an afternoon nap, she followed through to the end of her days. In her upper 80s & low 90s, when she couldn't walk around our neighborhood as she once did, she traipsed up & down our street; when she couldn't do that, she walked around our back yard; when she couldn't do that, she walked around the kitchen island; when she couldn't do that, she did foot/leg exercises sitting in the big chair in the living room, the one that Brenda describes as being in the Stickley style. To her final days, even when she was home that last week of hospice, she still did the breath work exercises she'd added to her regime several years before.
When we were driving down to DisneyWorld in 1997 - dhe was 87 - and she heard Stephen Covey say something on one of the audiotapes we played on the way down, she asked me to replay it. Then asked me to replay that short segment again... and again. "Between stimulus & response is a moment when you can change your response." All her adult life, she'd say, "I've always done that," dismissing potential criticism of something questionable. Here, zipping down the interstate, she heard for the first time - from an authoritative source, not her baby - she could change a response, even a lifelong reaction. From that AH HA moment in the car, heading down I-95, she did take every opportunity to insert a moment between current stimulus & ancient response.
When, in her high 80s, she sought professional psychological counseling to get a better idea who SHE was, separate from others, her psychologist saw her for only two hours before reaching the conclusion that Mom "knows what do do, now go out & do it." And she did! Right off the bat, asking more questions, letting herself turn down requests if they were inconvenient or even if she just didn't want to do it (!).
When Mom was told about an important way to do something, something considerably outside her experience & even comfort zone, if it made sense to her, she did it.
I don't. BIG difference between mother & daughter. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Isn't the considerably older person meant to get stuck in their ways & resist change? In Mom's case, not so. And if not so in her case, my guess is it's not so in many cases, where we youngers wouldn't begin to expect change was possible. How much we can learn, when we doff the allure of stereotyping people.
Thinking about how much better the world would be if all of us youngers look to an excellent quality in the olders & elders of our acquaintance & did everything in our power to emulate it. In my case, starting with Mom's trait of seeing a better way & TAKING it.
Monday, August 11, 2014
a friend is someone who likes you
Happy to take a grannie client & a friend from her senior lifestyle community OUT for a ramble & lunch. The usually up-beat friend has hit a bit of a rough patch. In my experience, the best thing to do is to offer an caring arm to lean on, two willing ears to listen, and perhaps a bit of distraction.
In time of challenge, nothing is more powerful than friendship.
In time of challenge, nothing is more powerful than friendship.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
The gift of right attitude
Been thinking a lot about my 08/08/14 posting, to serve us all our days. It seems to me the quote that sparked my musing misses the point about what is & isn't "right attitude" & dependency.
My mother was still with us when I learned - with her - that when support is given ~and~ received with "right attitude," demarcation lines between people being served & ones serving their needs falls away, leaving only loving service.
We learned about the power of "right attitude" from reading - at the same time, yet separately - Still Here, embracing age, changing & dying. Looking back, can see that developing a sense of right attitude was a far cry from equanimity, it laid the ground work for what would come.
My grannie clients' families might weary of hearing me say it, but it is true - when both you & a dependent other, whatever their age, approach a dependency situation with right attitude, you both will receive unimaginable gifts as a result of the exchange. I'll go one further - if only you do it with right attitude, being there for the other with full willingness of spirit, even without reciprocation from them, gifts will come.
It's not easy, cleaning out the emotional plaque that can clog the spiritual arteries of a loving heart. Maybe that's what develops or lays the ground work for equanimity - you've got to get past hurts & history. Not deny those difficult feelings & moments, just to free them to be non-issues. That was NOT easy for me, just as it was NOT easy on Mom to accept my help & support without a sense of being a burden. Praise be, we both did.
How different that last year was because a book read at the right time in the right way.
Which is not to say we didn't have our rocky moments. Yikes! There were plenty of times when I was frustrated & distraught, plenty of times Mom emotionally retreated & shut down. But we both knew the other person's desire was to remain open & receptive.
What IS "right attitude"? Hard to say. Is it related to empathy? Probably. Because it involves seeing things from another person's perspective, being detached enough to being rooted in how it all affects YOU. I guess it is empathy to set aside our natural reactions to longtime triggers in order to maintain a genuinely calm mind. I'd hazard the guess that right attitude, like empathy, includes a sense of good will toward others, all others, an openness that takes us out of our self & lets us look around through their eyes.
Am sure it's different for each person, each situation. For Mom & I, it played out every day, in the wee small hours of the morning. The rotary cuff of Mom's left shoulder was a mess. If she needed to use "Lamb" (her commode, which followed her wherever she went), she'd rattle a plastic hand clapper. If John was still working in the studio, next to her room, he'd help her get up. If he'd come to bed, I would do the honors. When it was me, Mom would often greet me with chagrin & "Sorry to be dragging you out of bed." I'd lean down & put my arms around her to pull her up as I said, "No problem - it's an excuse for me to get in another hug." That made her feel better, because it was the truth.
To me, that moment, which happened at least once ever night, embodies right attitude - Mom openly asking for assistance, me dragging myself out of a warm bed & away from John yet happy to be there, getting that extra hug.
Hmmmm... It's really hard to get across what I mean by right attitude. The only thing I know for sure is it is an essential quality to develop. It's the difference from being there because you need to ~and~ being there because, as inconvenient & challenging & maybe even exasperating as it might be, you truly want to. Not easy, but oh the blessing, the gift of getting to that place!
My mother was still with us when I learned - with her - that when support is given ~and~ received with "right attitude," demarcation lines between people being served & ones serving their needs falls away, leaving only loving service.
We learned about the power of "right attitude" from reading - at the same time, yet separately - Still Here, embracing age, changing & dying. Looking back, can see that developing a sense of right attitude was a far cry from equanimity, it laid the ground work for what would come.
My grannie clients' families might weary of hearing me say it, but it is true - when both you & a dependent other, whatever their age, approach a dependency situation with right attitude, you both will receive unimaginable gifts as a result of the exchange. I'll go one further - if only you do it with right attitude, being there for the other with full willingness of spirit, even without reciprocation from them, gifts will come.
It's not easy, cleaning out the emotional plaque that can clog the spiritual arteries of a loving heart. Maybe that's what develops or lays the ground work for equanimity - you've got to get past hurts & history. Not deny those difficult feelings & moments, just to free them to be non-issues. That was NOT easy for me, just as it was NOT easy on Mom to accept my help & support without a sense of being a burden. Praise be, we both did.
How different that last year was because a book read at the right time in the right way.
Which is not to say we didn't have our rocky moments. Yikes! There were plenty of times when I was frustrated & distraught, plenty of times Mom emotionally retreated & shut down. But we both knew the other person's desire was to remain open & receptive.
What IS "right attitude"? Hard to say. Is it related to empathy? Probably. Because it involves seeing things from another person's perspective, being detached enough to being rooted in how it all affects YOU. I guess it is empathy to set aside our natural reactions to longtime triggers in order to maintain a genuinely calm mind. I'd hazard the guess that right attitude, like empathy, includes a sense of good will toward others, all others, an openness that takes us out of our self & lets us look around through their eyes.
Am sure it's different for each person, each situation. For Mom & I, it played out every day, in the wee small hours of the morning. The rotary cuff of Mom's left shoulder was a mess. If she needed to use "Lamb" (her commode, which followed her wherever she went), she'd rattle a plastic hand clapper. If John was still working in the studio, next to her room, he'd help her get up. If he'd come to bed, I would do the honors. When it was me, Mom would often greet me with chagrin & "Sorry to be dragging you out of bed." I'd lean down & put my arms around her to pull her up as I said, "No problem - it's an excuse for me to get in another hug." That made her feel better, because it was the truth.
To me, that moment, which happened at least once ever night, embodies right attitude - Mom openly asking for assistance, me dragging myself out of a warm bed & away from John yet happy to be there, getting that extra hug.
Hmmmm... It's really hard to get across what I mean by right attitude. The only thing I know for sure is it is an essential quality to develop. It's the difference from being there because you need to ~and~ being there because, as inconvenient & challenging & maybe even exasperating as it might be, you truly want to. Not easy, but oh the blessing, the gift of getting to that place!
Saturday, August 9, 2014
confidence & peace
If there was one gift I could give my older friends, it would be a sense of confidence that their present moment lives are of great use. So many of them seem to doubt it. Too many don't see that every age has its advantages & opportunities & tasks that are meant to be accepted & fulfilled.
Confidence that we are here for a purpose can give us peace. Peace that what is happening in the here & now has meaning.
The challenge is that what we've been raised to value drops away in older age, especially significant older age. Gone is the youthful body, the person making his or her way in the world, the supportive child & busy parent. Can feel like the person we once felt confident being has crumbled away.
It seems to me, remembering such friends as "Grandma" Rose & Viola Ridgeway & Hubert Synnestvedt & Cornelia Stroh, that the very things many see as decreptitude is actually stepping away from mere being & stepping into a greater spiritual self. All of them, and Mom, had younger people who looked up to them, enjoyed their company & sought their counsel. And none of them seemed the least bit OLD. Their faces were lined, their bodies (to quote Mom) were saggy baggy, but their spirit was young. Their confidence in being of use seemed unfailing, even as they "tripped the old-o-meter" into their upper 80s & 90s.
Peace is the natural by-produce of having the confidence that even the most difficult experience will ultimately be led to a good end. Each of those older friends seemed to embrace & embody confidence in something larger than themselves.
Perhaps the biggest factor in how people face life is believing in something more, something higher than just yourself. And if they do believe in something more, something higher, than that doesn't drop away simply because they can't get around like they once could or need to rely more on others for support or can't lend a hand as often.
If there is a purpose for us being here, other than getting through each day, then that purpose continues to our last breath.
When we were five years old, we couldn't put our foot in our mouth, like we could as itty bitty babies - but we could run & talk & make friends. Would we want to give up our speech to get back our earlier flexibility? That would be silly! Where my older friends are, especially those who are significantly older, they now have the ability to develop our final great gift - wisdom. That takes experience & perspective & reflection. It takes letting being drop away & letting what intangible of true reality come to the fore. Seems to me - remembering my dear older friends - that older age isn't for producing or establishing or accumulating; it is for making sense of it all.
"Grandma" Rose & Viola Ridgeway & Hubert Synnestvedt & Cornelia Stroh - they are my role models for aging. They had their aches & pains & concerns, but they also had a core confidence that their life on this earth still had purpose. And that confidence gave them peace.
Confidence that we are here for a purpose can give us peace. Peace that what is happening in the here & now has meaning.
The challenge is that what we've been raised to value drops away in older age, especially significant older age. Gone is the youthful body, the person making his or her way in the world, the supportive child & busy parent. Can feel like the person we once felt confident being has crumbled away.
It seems to me, remembering such friends as "Grandma" Rose & Viola Ridgeway & Hubert Synnestvedt & Cornelia Stroh, that the very things many see as decreptitude is actually stepping away from mere being & stepping into a greater spiritual self. All of them, and Mom, had younger people who looked up to them, enjoyed their company & sought their counsel. And none of them seemed the least bit OLD. Their faces were lined, their bodies (to quote Mom) were saggy baggy, but their spirit was young. Their confidence in being of use seemed unfailing, even as they "tripped the old-o-meter" into their upper 80s & 90s.
Peace is the natural by-produce of having the confidence that even the most difficult experience will ultimately be led to a good end. Each of those older friends seemed to embrace & embody confidence in something larger than themselves.
Perhaps the biggest factor in how people face life is believing in something more, something higher than just yourself. And if they do believe in something more, something higher, than that doesn't drop away simply because they can't get around like they once could or need to rely more on others for support or can't lend a hand as often.
If there is a purpose for us being here, other than getting through each day, then that purpose continues to our last breath.
When we were five years old, we couldn't put our foot in our mouth, like we could as itty bitty babies - but we could run & talk & make friends. Would we want to give up our speech to get back our earlier flexibility? That would be silly! Where my older friends are, especially those who are significantly older, they now have the ability to develop our final great gift - wisdom. That takes experience & perspective & reflection. It takes letting being drop away & letting what intangible of true reality come to the fore. Seems to me - remembering my dear older friends - that older age isn't for producing or establishing or accumulating; it is for making sense of it all.
"Grandma" Rose & Viola Ridgeway & Hubert Synnestvedt & Cornelia Stroh - they are my role models for aging. They had their aches & pains & concerns, but they also had a core confidence that their life on this earth still had purpose. And that confidence gave them peace.
at Mom's core
The more years go by, the more obvious it is to me that our preparation for meeting the challenges of life - including older age - starts in our youngest years. I think of my mother & how the teachings of her youth were established in her teens & an integral part of her life by her twenties. Honesty, kindness, a love of family & community & faith - all these & many more made up the fabric of her life.
But what was at Mom's core, more than anything else, was a quote that was her mainstay through every sort of time - "For peace has in it confidence in the Lord, that He directs all things, and provides all things, and that He leads to a good end. When a person is in this faith, he is in peace, for he then fears nothing, and no solicitude about things to come disquiets him."
In the faith she was born into & brought up in & held as her own, EVERYONE learns this key quote. Mom made it the very core of her life. When her father died in her late teens, when ghastly things happened in her life, when my brother died at eleven, when Dad died just shy of 62 - the deeply rooted belief that God leads ALL things to a good end keep her on her feet.
"When a person is in this faith, he is in peace, for he then fears nothing, and no solicitude about things to come disquiets him." A person who believes this, holds this as the central truth of life, is first blessed by the teaching & then by her utter acceptance of it's reality in her life.
Something to hold onto when I wake up at 4:00 a.m., as little fears steal my sleep.
But what was at Mom's core, more than anything else, was a quote that was her mainstay through every sort of time - "For peace has in it confidence in the Lord, that He directs all things, and provides all things, and that He leads to a good end. When a person is in this faith, he is in peace, for he then fears nothing, and no solicitude about things to come disquiets him."
In the faith she was born into & brought up in & held as her own, EVERYONE learns this key quote. Mom made it the very core of her life. When her father died in her late teens, when ghastly things happened in her life, when my brother died at eleven, when Dad died just shy of 62 - the deeply rooted belief that God leads ALL things to a good end keep her on her feet.
"When a person is in this faith, he is in peace, for he then fears nothing, and no solicitude about things to come disquiets him." A person who believes this, holds this as the central truth of life, is first blessed by the teaching & then by her utter acceptance of it's reality in her life.
Something to hold onto when I wake up at 4:00 a.m., as little fears steal my sleep.
Friday, August 8, 2014
to serve us all our days
Just saw an elder care quote that said, "Caring is being there, even when you want to be somewhere else." I think not - to me, that's caring canceled by a heavy dose of duty.
And it's not getting past the elderly. Their radar gets more & more sensitive with each passing year. Trust me, they're not looking at your smiling face & happy demeanor - they're looking into your eyes, which really are (alas) the mirror of our soul. They don't lie.
A few changes are needed to make that a valid statement. "Compassion is caring to be there, even when it's convenient to be somewhere else."
What youngers need to work on is really wanting to be with their older relatives & loved ones. They need to ditch the duty calls for a visit that truly honors & respect the older, no matter how difficult or crotchety they may be.
That is not easy. It takes a lot of personal inner work. A LOT. But I believe that is why the Ten Commandments tell us to "honor our father & our mother, that our days may be long upon the land." When we truly honor our parents - not matter how many grievances we might feel against them - the greatest good is done to US. Maybe especially if we have issues from the past or present.
This is where practicing meditation & visualization helps immensely. There are ways to put ourselves in a mindset that is at least neutral, where an older looking into our eyes might not see joy & gladness, but they won't see dread & distress either.
Maybe the outcome promised in the Ten Commandments is that in being there for our olders, with genuine compassion rather than from forced duty, we will develop a sense of equanimity which will serve us all our days.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
And it's not getting past the elderly. Their radar gets more & more sensitive with each passing year. Trust me, they're not looking at your smiling face & happy demeanor - they're looking into your eyes, which really are (alas) the mirror of our soul. They don't lie.
A few changes are needed to make that a valid statement. "Compassion is caring to be there, even when it's convenient to be somewhere else."
What youngers need to work on is really wanting to be with their older relatives & loved ones. They need to ditch the duty calls for a visit that truly honors & respect the older, no matter how difficult or crotchety they may be.
That is not easy. It takes a lot of personal inner work. A LOT. But I believe that is why the Ten Commandments tell us to "honor our father & our mother, that our days may be long upon the land." When we truly honor our parents - not matter how many grievances we might feel against them - the greatest good is done to US. Maybe especially if we have issues from the past or present.
This is where practicing meditation & visualization helps immensely. There are ways to put ourselves in a mindset that is at least neutral, where an older looking into our eyes might not see joy & gladness, but they won't see dread & distress either.
Maybe the outcome promised in the Ten Commandments is that in being there for our olders, with genuine compassion rather than from forced duty, we will develop a sense of equanimity which will serve us all our days.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
throwing down the gauntlet
Challenged myself to be
downright organized & well thought-out in writing my older2elder
posts. Figure out what a theme for the week & stick to it. Be
responsive rather than reactive. If I see something that begs for
sharing with others, in MIGHT be right to share on the spur of the
moment IF it fits into the week's framework. Otherwise, let it steep.
Will just get richer, more textured.
Reminding myself that every aspect of everything I do must reflect the overall goal dangling in front of me. THAT is how things get done. At least,that is how I get things done. Can do scattered, but it is minimally effective. Just working isn't the same as WOW! All my life, have been sacrificing the great for the good, the mediocre, the just getting by.
Chalk it up to lack of focus,to natural distraction. Thirteen years ago, I attended the annual conference of the National Polymer Clay Guild, being held nearby in Bryn Mawr. At one of the presentations, someone asked the artist how he generated ideas. He clutched his chest, did an exaggerated reel backwards, then came back to the mic with his anwer - "The problem is never how to generate ideas. It usually feels like I'm bombarded with ideas. The challenge is to pick out the rare choice ones, the ones worth investing energy in, the ones that matter." There are countless areas clamoring for attention, countless issues about aging saging eldering - even if I was forty years younger, would still only have time to focus on a handful. At 62, I have time for a few. Which will be...?
Guantlet thrown!
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
cross posted from dreamreweaver.blogspot .com
Reminding myself that every aspect of everything I do must reflect the overall goal dangling in front of me. THAT is how things get done. At least,that is how I get things done. Can do scattered, but it is minimally effective. Just working isn't the same as WOW! All my life, have been sacrificing the great for the good, the mediocre, the just getting by.
Chalk it up to lack of focus,to natural distraction. Thirteen years ago, I attended the annual conference of the National Polymer Clay Guild, being held nearby in Bryn Mawr. At one of the presentations, someone asked the artist how he generated ideas. He clutched his chest, did an exaggerated reel backwards, then came back to the mic with his anwer - "The problem is never how to generate ideas. It usually feels like I'm bombarded with ideas. The challenge is to pick out the rare choice ones, the ones worth investing energy in, the ones that matter." There are countless areas clamoring for attention, countless issues about aging saging eldering - even if I was forty years younger, would still only have time to focus on a handful. At 62, I have time for a few. Which will be...?
Guantlet thrown!
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
cross posted from dreamreweaver.blogspot .com
"It takes a village..." - Linda Bums
In her blog posting, To Care for a Loved One with Dementia, It Takes a Village, Linda Bums compares experiences with her son's autism with her mother's dementia. I had not thought of the similarities.
Her story is surprisingly upbeat. Especially the portrayal of Linda's remarkable father & the bond between her parents, which went straight to my heart.
Linda states the great challenge of dementia with simplicity that goes to the heart of the matter - "Along with old age comes failed physical health. It’s just a given. However, a failed mind is just so difficult to watch further deteriorate. We are now beginning to see physical deterioration in my mom, as well, but the progression is just now starting to catch up."
Articles like this are a blessing for the countless families & individuals finding themselves strangers in the strange new - and changing - land of dementia. My thanks to Linda for sharing her story. The more such stories are shared, the less the burden of "woulda coulda shoulda" will fall on families & others who do their best against hopeless odds. Best is best.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
My thanks to http://www.familyaffaires.com for posting Linda's story.
Her story is surprisingly upbeat. Especially the portrayal of Linda's remarkable father & the bond between her parents, which went straight to my heart.
Linda states the great challenge of dementia with simplicity that goes to the heart of the matter - "Along with old age comes failed physical health. It’s just a given. However, a failed mind is just so difficult to watch further deteriorate. We are now beginning to see physical deterioration in my mom, as well, but the progression is just now starting to catch up."
Articles like this are a blessing for the countless families & individuals finding themselves strangers in the strange new - and changing - land of dementia. My thanks to Linda for sharing her story. The more such stories are shared, the less the burden of "woulda coulda shoulda" will fall on families & others who do their best against hopeless odds. Best is best.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
My thanks to http://www.familyaffaires.com for posting Linda's story.
taking trivia to a new level!
Can't beat this for intergenerational play - make your own Trivial Pursuit cards!
Enriching fun from start to finish ~ have all the family members submit their memories to a games master (recruit friends). Topics could include Vacations, Friends, Relations, School, Sports, Movies, Music, TV, Foodie, Holidays, Oops! - the possibilities go on & on!
A (non-family) games master(s) winnows out duplicates, figures out which make the grade, types them up, prints them & cuts them out - then you or your family can do the same for them & theirs!
Takes Trivial Pursuit to a whole new incredible level & creates a treasure trove of family memories!
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
Enriching fun from start to finish ~ have all the family members submit their memories to a games master (recruit friends). Topics could include Vacations, Friends, Relations, School, Sports, Movies, Music, TV, Foodie, Holidays, Oops! - the possibilities go on & on!
A (non-family) games master(s) winnows out duplicates, figures out which make the grade, types them up, prints them & cuts them out - then you or your family can do the same for them & theirs!
Takes Trivial Pursuit to a whole new incredible level & creates a treasure trove of family memories!
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
hardly trivial
Ah, the joys of Trivial Pursuit! Introduced almost 35 (!) years ago, the board game has moved from fun diversion to true Americana. Perfect for intergenerational play - or battling senior tournies - with a version for every taste & interest. Rolling Stones, Disney for All, Book Lovers, Warner Brothers are a fraction of what's available for play. Give a go at Canadian or Australian versions.
Fun, challenging, healthy competition & you come away knowing a lot more than when you started! Whether you play with new card sets or vintage questions, it gives the brain a whirl.
There's a reason Trivial Pursuit is a far from trivial success. Play!
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
Fun, challenging, healthy competition & you come away knowing a lot more than when you started! Whether you play with new card sets or vintage questions, it gives the brain a whirl.
There's a reason Trivial Pursuit is a far from trivial success. Play!
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
music swap
Image grandparents/older friends having a monthly music swap with youngers. Each shares what's on their iPhone. Listen without censuring or criticizing, sniping or squirming! Whether it's blue grass or hip hop, jazz fusion or hard rock, what does the fan like about that type of music, that particular piece?
Might find out that Grammie actually likes Izzy Azalea & Junior gives a high five to Dave Brubeck.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
Might find out that Grammie actually likes Izzy Azalea & Junior gives a high five to Dave Brubeck.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Who knew? video games & seniors
Going back to that list of fun activities to do with seniors, the one I found so fuddy-duddy ~ ~ it leaves off playing video games.
Okay, it mentioned Wii, but not a peep about findings by the National Institute of Health (NIH) that older people who regularly play video games tend to have better cognitive skills. No small thing to have fun with youngers AND sharpen your mind!
Not that I'm knocking Wii games. Stroke victims use them for arm rehabilitation & overall fitness. Studies show playing Wii games can improve upper arm strength, general motor function & daily tasks.
How could it leave off Wii and video games when both encourage greater socialization across generations. Wow! Grannie & gramps can challenge their grandkids to a round of golf or a bowling match - and come out the champ!
The moms & dads who fussed over kids who spent too much time with Atari & Pac-Man are now improving their cognitive skills & memory retention, especially with the more complex games.
And gaming isn't limited to whoever is around. Online gaming lets them play with people of all ages from around the world, dear-to-the-heart family & total strangers.
Thinking of all the fun ways Wii & video games can connect far-flung fmilies while enriching the lives (and uplifting the hearts) of their oldest members!
Deev
the well read daughter
for more information, see http://seniorcarecorner.com/seniors-benefit-from-video-game-playing
Okay, it mentioned Wii, but not a peep about findings by the National Institute of Health (NIH) that older people who regularly play video games tend to have better cognitive skills. No small thing to have fun with youngers AND sharpen your mind!
Not that I'm knocking Wii games. Stroke victims use them for arm rehabilitation & overall fitness. Studies show playing Wii games can improve upper arm strength, general motor function & daily tasks.
How could it leave off Wii and video games when both encourage greater socialization across generations. Wow! Grannie & gramps can challenge their grandkids to a round of golf or a bowling match - and come out the champ!
The moms & dads who fussed over kids who spent too much time with Atari & Pac-Man are now improving their cognitive skills & memory retention, especially with the more complex games.
And gaming isn't limited to whoever is around. Online gaming lets them play with people of all ages from around the world, dear-to-the-heart family & total strangers.
Thinking of all the fun ways Wii & video games can connect far-flung fmilies while enriching the lives (and uplifting the hearts) of their oldest members!
Deev
the well read daughter
for more information, see http://seniorcarecorner.com/seniors-benefit-from-video-game-playing
back in the day
Am shocked by the woefully "old school" list of fun activities to do with seniors that popped up FIRST on an online search for things to do with olders. It suggested capturing on audio tape an interview with a senior. An audio tape? Sure, Mom did some great audio tapes, but that was back in 2000-01.
If Mom was still with us today, she'd be jazzed putting together a snazzier record of her life & times. Scott* (Georgia) & Karen* (Australia) could have collaborated with Mom to put together a dvd of her life memories** - - on the internet, distance is a non-issue. They'd start in the way-back-when, working their way up to the here & now. What an experience it would have been for them to hear her story in Mom's own words & voice, enriched with family photos, as well as any/all aspects of things she loved from different eras, headlines - so much can be grabbed from the internet by someone savvy in the ways of computers (aka not me).
Then, the big kids - moi, Mim, Peter, Mike & Kerry - could set to work writing out the different sections & pairing them up with printouts of the relevant photos.
Whitney & Reynolds could collaborate on cover art for the dvd & overall design for the photo journal. Whitney's girls could work out motifs & other artwork.
All of the family from all over the world could be part of the finished products, whether dvd or hard copy. And they'd all be copied on both.
Imagining Mom in the thick of it, snail mail & e-mail, instant messaging & skype sessions flying between Squirrel Haven & all the kids & grandkids. She would have had a blast & the end result would have been a family treasure.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
* computer wizard
** Karen actually did do something like this after Mom died
If Mom was still with us today, she'd be jazzed putting together a snazzier record of her life & times. Scott* (Georgia) & Karen* (Australia) could have collaborated with Mom to put together a dvd of her life memories** - - on the internet, distance is a non-issue. They'd start in the way-back-when, working their way up to the here & now. What an experience it would have been for them to hear her story in Mom's own words & voice, enriched with family photos, as well as any/all aspects of things she loved from different eras, headlines - so much can be grabbed from the internet by someone savvy in the ways of computers (aka not me).
Then, the big kids - moi, Mim, Peter, Mike & Kerry - could set to work writing out the different sections & pairing them up with printouts of the relevant photos.
Whitney & Reynolds could collaborate on cover art for the dvd & overall design for the photo journal. Whitney's girls could work out motifs & other artwork.
All of the family from all over the world could be part of the finished products, whether dvd or hard copy. And they'd all be copied on both.
Imagining Mom in the thick of it, snail mail & e-mail, instant messaging & skype sessions flying between Squirrel Haven & all the kids & grandkids. She would have had a blast & the end result would have been a family treasure.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
* computer wizard
** Karen actually did do something like this after Mom died
peace, like a garland
Smithsonian has an article on the peace-giving influence of gardens on dementia patients. Good heavens, I've known that for years - albeit without those all-important, credibility-giving scientific results. It's why I preach espouse pontificate on the importance of olders getting OUT to see greenery, to experience the change of seasons through trees & bushes & flowers & grasses.
It's why my car can practically find its own way to our beloved farm at Wiltshire & Pebble Hill Roads, on the far outskirts of Doylestown. We see its fields in all the seasons, how we can see the whole pasture in the winter, but parts are blocked in summer by so-called weeds.
It's why I take certain routes with my grannie clients, even right around their neighborhoods, keeping to the ones with the best flowering trees in spring, the most glorious blossoms in summer, the most dazzling leaves in fall, the most elegantly spare branches in winter.
Are gardens therapeutic for olders, especially those dealing with forms of dementia? I don't know who said this, but it says it all - - "To have a mind at peace, a heart that cannot harden, go find a door that opens wide upon a lovely garden."
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
It's why my car can practically find its own way to our beloved farm at Wiltshire & Pebble Hill Roads, on the far outskirts of Doylestown. We see its fields in all the seasons, how we can see the whole pasture in the winter, but parts are blocked in summer by so-called weeds.
It's why I take certain routes with my grannie clients, even right around their neighborhoods, keeping to the ones with the best flowering trees in spring, the most glorious blossoms in summer, the most dazzling leaves in fall, the most elegantly spare branches in winter.
Are gardens therapeutic for olders, especially those dealing with forms of dementia? I don't know who said this, but it says it all - - "To have a mind at peace, a heart that cannot harden, go find a door that opens wide upon a lovely garden."
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
"The Medical Journey of Aged Parents" - David Solie
Unlike many people - of any age - who land in the hospital, Mom had a cadre of advocates making sure she was getting the best care. My sister, Mim, had a knack for asking medical staff the pertinent question. I had over twenty years experience in health care coverage, with deep background in patient issues & provider practices. Margaret was a nurse. Whitney, Mom's oldest grandchild, had little health care background, but no one could shake an answer out of a "I have to ask the doctor" nurse.
Most people don't have that sort of team keeping a loved one's health care team's feet to the fire. In fact, most people find themselves floundering when a loved one - of any age - needs medical care, especially in-hospital care. It doesn't help that doctors, the fount of most of the definitive information, tend to make rounds after visiting hours. We never had a problem with that - we just let the nursing staff (who kept trying to pry us out of Mom's room) know we weren't budging until AFTER we talked with her attending physician.
The best time to prepare for a possible hospital stay, including your own, is well ahead of time. In The Medical Journey of Aged Parents, David Solie provides some excellent information, straight from the American Geriatrics Society, about questions both medical personnel & patients/advocates should be asking about treatment for patients over 65. I strongly suggest reading through, printing out the questions, and keeping them in your medical information files.
The more you know, the more effective & confident you'll be with medical situations, large & small.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
Most people don't have that sort of team keeping a loved one's health care team's feet to the fire. In fact, most people find themselves floundering when a loved one - of any age - needs medical care, especially in-hospital care. It doesn't help that doctors, the fount of most of the definitive information, tend to make rounds after visiting hours. We never had a problem with that - we just let the nursing staff (who kept trying to pry us out of Mom's room) know we weren't budging until AFTER we talked with her attending physician.
The best time to prepare for a possible hospital stay, including your own, is well ahead of time. In The Medical Journey of Aged Parents, David Solie provides some excellent information, straight from the American Geriatrics Society, about questions both medical personnel & patients/advocates should be asking about treatment for patients over 65. I strongly suggest reading through, printing out the questions, and keeping them in your medical information files.
The more you know, the more effective & confident you'll be with medical situations, large & small.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
dependency
So many of the hot button issues related to getting up there in years go back to dependency. So easy to forget dependency isn't limited to the elderly.
While I work to become a clearing house for info on eldering, will keep my ears open & eyes peeled for ways to decrease the dreaded sense of dependency & increase a feeling of energized empowerment, whatever the challenge, whatever the age.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
While I work to become a clearing house for info on eldering, will keep my ears open & eyes peeled for ways to decrease the dreaded sense of dependency & increase a feeling of energized empowerment, whatever the challenge, whatever the age.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
jazz dreams
How did I forget to write a posting about our personal Philadelphia jazz fest?!
This time last week, a grannie client, John & I were headed down to the Rittenhouse Square area for our second dinner at Square on Square restaurant, with a dessert a heady serving of the best jazz in town - the All-Star Jazz Trio!
Took full advantage of such a gorgeous night for a drive. Instead of fighting rush hour traffic going down Broad Street to the Schuylkill Expressway or I-95, we enjoyed a leisurely ramble down the Kelly Drive, along a lovely stretch of river sporting more rowing crews than even I'd ever seen. Who knew driving downtown could be calm, almost zen-like?
It was as easy a nip from the suburbs to the heart of the city as I've ever taken. This time, went directly to the incredibly close $12 parking, then the three of us ambled over to Square on Square.
The owner stunned us by remembering our drinks - in spite of having only been there once before, over a month earlier. Dinner was just as yum as before. My g.c. didn't even let it bother her that they didn't have any desserts on the menu - live jazz would be the finishing touch.
Was it ever! Andy was nothing short of spectacular. Ditto both Bruces.
Andy's hands flew across the keyboard. My g.c. was every bit as utterly enthralled as the first time. Again, we stayed for all three sets. We left sublimely happy. When John showed her to the door of her senior residence, she practically floated in.
These evenings are important for more reasons than good food & epic jazz. She gets to experience daytime easing into night. She sees the summer foliage along the Lincoln & Kelly Drives. She experiences the pulse of a major American city. All those things are important to the elderly, every bit as much as to youngers, but so many don't get the opportunity to experience even a portion of it once a month, let alone once a week.
Tomorrow will be a bonus day. With no Bible Study in the morning & no Current Events discussion in the early afternoon, we can choose to head up the River Road to The Landing, or down to Charcoal, across to Brittingham's or up to The Farm House - maybe the Back to the Fifties diner. Choices - they are important to my grannie clients. Options are fewer & farther inbetween, so the more I can conjure up, the better.
Wishing I had the money to treat her to the dinner concert Andy & the Bruces are putting on in Atlantic City, featuring Peggy King. It would be so wonderful for my g.c. to see a chanteuse just 10 years younger than she is, still playing the jazz clubs of L.A., NYC & AC. A dream year, but who knows about next?
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
This time last week, a grannie client, John & I were headed down to the Rittenhouse Square area for our second dinner at Square on Square restaurant, with a dessert a heady serving of the best jazz in town - the All-Star Jazz Trio!
Took full advantage of such a gorgeous night for a drive. Instead of fighting rush hour traffic going down Broad Street to the Schuylkill Expressway or I-95, we enjoyed a leisurely ramble down the Kelly Drive, along a lovely stretch of river sporting more rowing crews than even I'd ever seen. Who knew driving downtown could be calm, almost zen-like?
It was as easy a nip from the suburbs to the heart of the city as I've ever taken. This time, went directly to the incredibly close $12 parking, then the three of us ambled over to Square on Square.
The owner stunned us by remembering our drinks - in spite of having only been there once before, over a month earlier. Dinner was just as yum as before. My g.c. didn't even let it bother her that they didn't have any desserts on the menu - live jazz would be the finishing touch.
Was it ever! Andy was nothing short of spectacular. Ditto both Bruces.
Andy's hands flew across the keyboard. My g.c. was every bit as utterly enthralled as the first time. Again, we stayed for all three sets. We left sublimely happy. When John showed her to the door of her senior residence, she practically floated in.
These evenings are important for more reasons than good food & epic jazz. She gets to experience daytime easing into night. She sees the summer foliage along the Lincoln & Kelly Drives. She experiences the pulse of a major American city. All those things are important to the elderly, every bit as much as to youngers, but so many don't get the opportunity to experience even a portion of it once a month, let alone once a week.
Tomorrow will be a bonus day. With no Bible Study in the morning & no Current Events discussion in the early afternoon, we can choose to head up the River Road to The Landing, or down to Charcoal, across to Brittingham's or up to The Farm House - maybe the Back to the Fifties diner. Choices - they are important to my grannie clients. Options are fewer & farther inbetween, so the more I can conjure up, the better.
Wishing I had the money to treat her to the dinner concert Andy & the Bruces are putting on in Atlantic City, featuring Peggy King. It would be so wonderful for my g.c. to see a chanteuse just 10 years younger than she is, still playing the jazz clubs of L.A., NYC & AC. A dream year, but who knows about next?
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
reframing memories
Hard to believe, but I learned my first lesson in the power of framing waaaay back when I was ten or eleven. Back then, Philadelphia had only three television channels. But a friend's family had a big antenna & received all the New York channels, too! Went over to her place as often as I could to plunk down in front of the play room's big-screen (probably 30") set.
Million Dollar Movie was a particular favorite. Whatever flick was on, I'd watch it. Which is how I came to first see the Japanese masterpiece, Rashoman. In one afternoon, my life perspective tilted. The story involves a group of travelers who are robbed by a notorious bandit. The twist is that the same tale is told from the vantage point of four different people, resulting in four different accounts. Was a very young child, but totally mesmerized. Didn't matter that it was set in feudal Japan & had English subtitles. I was hooked by the thought that different people experience the same event in different ways.
Each set the event in their own frame. Which was right?
Reframing builds off of the concept that one event can be experienced in wildly different ways, with everyone believing that THEIR version is correct. With reframing, we can take memories & reimagine them. How might it have looked or been or played out?
In my earlier posting about intergenerational mediation, I used a family story to illustrate how a important, sensitive discussion came apart at the seams, with very sad consequences. What might have happened if family mediation had been the norm back in the early '70s? Maybe Mike would have stayed put in Pennsylvania, working with Dad at Lockhart Lumber, instead of moving to Australia. This morning, it dawned on me that I reframe - to my deep, if fanciful satisfaction - that situation at least several times a month. And it DOES make a difference in how I remember all the players in the family fracas.
Every week, John & I have a cozy at Bell's Tavern,
in Lambertville, NJ (good food at great prices, friends & staff who
feel like family). Every week, we park around the corner, at Niece Lumber.
Every week, I get the opportunity to reframe what happened between two
men I love, to put a happy ending by tweaking their story.
Niece Lumber is what could have been the outcome of Dad & Mike's head butt over a path forward for what might have been a family business.
Niece Lumber is what could have been the outcome of Dad & Mike's head butt over a path forward for what might have been a family business.
In my reframed
version, Mom spots an article in the monthly Middle Atlantic Lumberman's
Association magazine about professional mediators specializing in family
businesses. (This is my reframe, so it's moot that they didn't exist back in the early '70s.)
Over several days, when Dad comes home at night, he's greeted not only
with a glass of sherry & a plate of cheese & crackers, it's
Harvey's Bristol Cream & slices of a lovely aged cheddar.
Mom makes sure the magazine is within his sight range. One evening, she
wonders if he's read any of it. Did he see the article about this
thing called mediators? Over the next few days, she builds off his
grumbled "yes." Slowly, never feeling pushed, Dad warms to the idea.
At the same time she introduces the idea to Dad, Mom also talks to Kerry. Kerry had a lot invested in Mike becoming more established in the business - she wanted to start a family & it couldn't happen until the two of them had a more secure idea of what their future held. Mom knew that Kerry, a nurse (who would become a brilliant counselor back in Australia) & very practical person, would appreciate the advantages of having a disinterested person facilitating a productive discussion about what lay ahead for Lockhart Lumber.
After many sessions with the mediator, Dad & Mike come up with a business plan that satisfies both of them. Mike would look for a new location - one they could buy - and Kerry would come on board as an office manager, leaving Dad free to do the millwork, design & cabinet-making that he loved. Once they moved to the larger facility, they'd hire a second mill man & apprentice a designer/cabinet-maker to work with Dad. Over time, most of the business decisions would be Mike's responsibility, leaving Dad time to step back from day-to-day management while still having an important voice.
The new direction has Mom happy, because she & Dad have more time to enjoy each other. Kerry & Mike are free to start their family AND grow the business in the visionary way that once seemed overly ambition to Dad. Even Dad stops grumbling - not only can he take time to go on trips with Mom, the business doubles over the first year under the new business plan. Dad's confidence in Mike & Kerry grows as they prove to be strong business partners committed to growing the business AND follow through on keeping him in the loop.
In my reframe, the business ends up much like Niece Lumber. The main office building is Mike & Kerry's domain, where customers & contractors feel like their needs are understood & expectations exceeded. Framed certificates proclaiming "Best lumberyard ...." decorate the wall, along with newspaper clippings.
At the same time she introduces the idea to Dad, Mom also talks to Kerry. Kerry had a lot invested in Mike becoming more established in the business - she wanted to start a family & it couldn't happen until the two of them had a more secure idea of what their future held. Mom knew that Kerry, a nurse (who would become a brilliant counselor back in Australia) & very practical person, would appreciate the advantages of having a disinterested person facilitating a productive discussion about what lay ahead for Lockhart Lumber.
After many sessions with the mediator, Dad & Mike come up with a business plan that satisfies both of them. Mike would look for a new location - one they could buy - and Kerry would come on board as an office manager, leaving Dad free to do the millwork, design & cabinet-making that he loved. Once they moved to the larger facility, they'd hire a second mill man & apprentice a designer/cabinet-maker to work with Dad. Over time, most of the business decisions would be Mike's responsibility, leaving Dad time to step back from day-to-day management while still having an important voice.
The new direction has Mom happy, because she & Dad have more time to enjoy each other. Kerry & Mike are free to start their family AND grow the business in the visionary way that once seemed overly ambition to Dad. Even Dad stops grumbling - not only can he take time to go on trips with Mom, the business doubles over the first year under the new business plan. Dad's confidence in Mike & Kerry grows as they prove to be strong business partners committed to growing the business AND follow through on keeping him in the loop.
In my reframe, the business ends up much like Niece Lumber. The main office building is Mike & Kerry's domain, where customers & contractors feel like their needs are understood & expectations exceeded. Framed certificates proclaiming "Best lumberyard ...." decorate the wall, along with newspaper clippings.
If anyone has a question about design or something
Mike can't handle, they head over to the other office building, where
Dad & other designers handle the special cabinetry orders. They
have their own set of "Best of woodworking..." citations on the wall,
along with framed articles Philadelphia, House Beautiful & Dwell magazines.
The lumberyard itself is kept in the apple pie order that makes Mike's
heart sing, and he steers clear of interfering when it comes to Dad's
domain.
Dad finds himself happy to retire from full-time involvement in the day-to-day business. Now, with Mom by his side, he's free to research new techniques & visit major suppliers, a personal touch that gives the business a key advantage over lumber mega stores. Mike ensures Lockhart Lumber builds on the reputation Dad established from the beginning - not the cheapest, but definitely the best.
When Dad dies at 68, the transition is already completed. Mom is not only left financially secure, she has the joy of her grandchildren & a strong relationship with her son & daughter-in-law.
I run through that reframe once a week, every time the car pulls up to the main office building at Niece Lumber, every time John & I stroll the tow path, past the tidy prosperous lumberyard.
It doesn't change reality, but somehow makes me feel better. And who knows - if family mediation had been mainstream back then, that just might have happened!
Dad finds himself happy to retire from full-time involvement in the day-to-day business. Now, with Mom by his side, he's free to research new techniques & visit major suppliers, a personal touch that gives the business a key advantage over lumber mega stores. Mike ensures Lockhart Lumber builds on the reputation Dad established from the beginning - not the cheapest, but definitely the best.
When Dad dies at 68, the transition is already completed. Mom is not only left financially secure, she has the joy of her grandchildren & a strong relationship with her son & daughter-in-law.
I run through that reframe once a week, every time the car pulls up to the main office building at Niece Lumber, every time John & I stroll the tow path, past the tidy prosperous lumberyard.
It doesn't change reality, but somehow makes me feel better. And who knows - if family mediation had been mainstream back then, that just might have happened!
If only more family members - and anyone else who touches the lives of the elderly - took the time to reframe difficult moments in the past. Ditto for olders. It doesn't change what happened, doesn't pretend there was really was a different outcome, but it amazes me how it helps to diffuse the active negatives that keep coming up, ancient hurts & hamper present day moments.
Give it a whirl. Whether you are elderly or someone who cares about an older person, the only thing you have to lose is a layer of protective coating around your heart.
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
middle child syndrome
Continues to amaze me, how almost all the focus on older age seems to spotlights people with forms of dementia. People who are simply getting up there in years seem to be overlooked. Sort of an elderly form of "middle child syndrome."
Just struck me, writing this, that one of my personal strengths has been working to the middle-child types ~ B students finding all the attention going to the exceptionally gifted or challenged, mediocre athletes or artists or writers waiting for some attention to come out of themselves, even the classic middle child.
These folks easily fall through the cracks. It becomes such the norm, it becomes their expectation.
THAT's my demographic! How to engage them, energize & help empower them. And, in turn, find myself engaged, energized & empowered by them!
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
Just struck me, writing this, that one of my personal strengths has been working to the middle-child types ~ B students finding all the attention going to the exceptionally gifted or challenged, mediocre athletes or artists or writers waiting for some attention to come out of themselves, even the classic middle child.
Aka, people who neither garner glory nor face daunting challenges.
These folks easily fall through the cracks. It becomes such the norm, it becomes their expectation.
THAT's my demographic! How to engage them, energize & help empower them. And, in turn, find myself engaged, energized & empowered by them!
~ Deev ~
the well read daughter
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
What is a "nurse advocate"?
Yes, a 2nd post in less than an hour - Being on the Other Side of the Bed is too terrific to wait until tomorrow!
Betty Long, RN is a nurse advocate. Huh? That means she works with patients & their families, serves as a liaison between them & the medical staff, helps with questions about the ins & outs & 'round abouts of medical treatment, and does her best to ensure patients get the care they need. It benefits both the patient AND the hospital.
Then, BAM! She ended up in the hospital with major surgery & got to see the view from the other side. Went through the gamut of feelings & fears she only knew theoretically before. It was a major education & startling revelation.
Read it! Posting it under my elder blog, but true for ALL ages!
Betty Long, RN is a nurse advocate. Huh? That means she works with patients & their families, serves as a liaison between them & the medical staff, helps with questions about the ins & outs & 'round abouts of medical treatment, and does her best to ensure patients get the care they need. It benefits both the patient AND the hospital.
Then, BAM! She ended up in the hospital with major surgery & got to see the view from the other side. Went through the gamut of feelings & fears she only knew theoretically before. It was a major education & startling revelation.
Read it! Posting it under my elder blog, but true for ALL ages!
What is "intergenerational mediation"?
To this day, it saddens me to think that Dad & Mike didn't have the advantage of the family mediators that exist today.
In his early thirties, Mike had what were, to him & Kerry, reasonable expectations of when Dad, entering his sixties, would retire. They wanted to work out a game plan leading up to Mike taking over the business so they could figure out next steps in their life.
Dad, who did not feel like 60 was remotely old, had his own expectations, none of which included retiring. Years later, Mike commented, "Dad acted like he expected to work until he dropped." Which was more or less what happened.
Back in the early '70s, there was no way for the two men & their wives to sit down with a mediator to figure out the different issues, dynamics & possible paths forward. They didn't exist. So, my brother carved out a successful career for himself in high-end hardware ~ in Australia.
The reason for this story is to highlight the difficulties families face in dealing with hot topics. In this situation, everyone could say they wanted to talk about the future of Lockhart Lumber & both couples, but each person - all four - had his or her very definite agenda blocking their ability to be genuinely dispassionate.
Families & the older people dear to their hearts face a similar challenge. When they sit down to iron out potential differences or discuss sensitive topics, there's a high possibility it will blow up in their faces, in spite of their commitment to stay cool, calm & collected. Cool, calm & collected runs counter to the core dynamic.
Caveat: there are the rare families who can handle this sort of hyper-sensitive discussion. They are the few who made open, honest communication part of their family norm from Day One. They are truly blessed.
For the rest, the best way to handle sensitive discussions, especially any having to do with a potential change in the grannie or gramps' life, is with an experienced mediator, someone who can help keep the subject on task, clarifying points so everyone understands each point, who can identify & deflect hot button issues.
Never heard of intergenerational mediation? A good place to check out is Mediate.com - mediators & everything mediation.
Ideally, a family or older brings in an intergenerational mediator as a matter of course, not dire necessity. Want to review the pros & cons of your parents moving from their lifelong home to a smaller apartment or a full-service "senior lifestyle" residence? Want to go on an extended dream trip, but the kids think it's too risky? Involve a mediator from the start. When it's the norm for regular discussions, it's less likely to be seen as threatening later.
Mediators aren't miracle workers. My Mom used her psychologist as a family mediator when she wanted to gather all us kids to ask for support as she (Mom) worked on getting a better grip on who SHE was. Born in 1910, she was raised to believe that a woman's role was to do whatever her husband or family wanted. She didn't come into it. By 1998, she realized she was clueless about her deepest personal convictions - she looked inside & found... nothing.
All of the USA-based kids plus my John gathered with Mom at her trusted psychologist's office. Mom explained her goal of getting a better grip on just who was Katharine Reynolds Lockhart. She stressed that she didn't need her children to be part of her inner work, just wanted to know she had our support as she moved forward.
Kevyn Malloy did a great job of facilitating. She made sure each of us had sufficient time to talk about how we felt about Mom's personal goal. By the time we parted, all four of us gave our support for Mom's efforts.
Every time there was a scheduled follow-up meeting with Kevyn, both my sister & oldest brother found a reason why they couldn't make it. After a while, it was pretty clear that further meetings with Kevyn were a pipe dream. Within less than a year, they had virtually no substantial contact with Mom.
Mediation didn't work in Mom's situation. That's the bad news. The good news is she felt she'd done what she could to bring everyone on board.
Fact is, I sympathized with my sibs back then; still do. Open, healthy communication with respectful give & take - including disagreements - wasn't part of our family life. Our pattern was more "if I don't see it, I won't have to deal with it." For my 60-year old brother & 54-year old sister, it was too late to suddenly try to implement a radically different family dynamic.
Intergenerational mediation can make the difference between long-term trauma & short-term discord. I learned the hard way ~ first from Dad & Mike, then from Mom & my older sibs ~ that trying to address & resolve sensitive issues on your own almost invariably leads to disaster, even calamitous results. My brother moved to Australia, where he was when my Dad died less than two years later. My brother & sister didn't have the pleasure of Mom's remarkable spirit over her final, amazing years. Alas, things couldn't have been different back then - the solution didn't exist.
It does today. If you have older loved ones or are what Mom termed an "ancient" seeking to avoid bungled communication with youngers, contact Mediate.com, google intergenerational mediation, or bring on someone recommended by trusted friends or associates (even if they come highly recommended, check out their credentials).
My family were typical of the day. In the early '70s, using disinterested outsiders as springboards for safer family discussions was only a glimmer in the rare counselor's mind. Today, they are ready, willing & able to help keep family issues from ballooning into trauma, even damaged or destroyed relationships.
In his early thirties, Mike had what were, to him & Kerry, reasonable expectations of when Dad, entering his sixties, would retire. They wanted to work out a game plan leading up to Mike taking over the business so they could figure out next steps in their life.
Dad, who did not feel like 60 was remotely old, had his own expectations, none of which included retiring. Years later, Mike commented, "Dad acted like he expected to work until he dropped." Which was more or less what happened.
Back in the early '70s, there was no way for the two men & their wives to sit down with a mediator to figure out the different issues, dynamics & possible paths forward. They didn't exist. So, my brother carved out a successful career for himself in high-end hardware ~ in Australia.
The reason for this story is to highlight the difficulties families face in dealing with hot topics. In this situation, everyone could say they wanted to talk about the future of Lockhart Lumber & both couples, but each person - all four - had his or her very definite agenda blocking their ability to be genuinely dispassionate.
Families & the older people dear to their hearts face a similar challenge. When they sit down to iron out potential differences or discuss sensitive topics, there's a high possibility it will blow up in their faces, in spite of their commitment to stay cool, calm & collected. Cool, calm & collected runs counter to the core dynamic.
Caveat: there are the rare families who can handle this sort of hyper-sensitive discussion. They are the few who made open, honest communication part of their family norm from Day One. They are truly blessed.
For the rest, the best way to handle sensitive discussions, especially any having to do with a potential change in the grannie or gramps' life, is with an experienced mediator, someone who can help keep the subject on task, clarifying points so everyone understands each point, who can identify & deflect hot button issues.
Never heard of intergenerational mediation? A good place to check out is Mediate.com - mediators & everything mediation.
Ideally, a family or older brings in an intergenerational mediator as a matter of course, not dire necessity. Want to review the pros & cons of your parents moving from their lifelong home to a smaller apartment or a full-service "senior lifestyle" residence? Want to go on an extended dream trip, but the kids think it's too risky? Involve a mediator from the start. When it's the norm for regular discussions, it's less likely to be seen as threatening later.
Mediators aren't miracle workers. My Mom used her psychologist as a family mediator when she wanted to gather all us kids to ask for support as she (Mom) worked on getting a better grip on who SHE was. Born in 1910, she was raised to believe that a woman's role was to do whatever her husband or family wanted. She didn't come into it. By 1998, she realized she was clueless about her deepest personal convictions - she looked inside & found... nothing.
All of the USA-based kids plus my John gathered with Mom at her trusted psychologist's office. Mom explained her goal of getting a better grip on just who was Katharine Reynolds Lockhart. She stressed that she didn't need her children to be part of her inner work, just wanted to know she had our support as she moved forward.
Kevyn Malloy did a great job of facilitating. She made sure each of us had sufficient time to talk about how we felt about Mom's personal goal. By the time we parted, all four of us gave our support for Mom's efforts.
And then they basically dropped off the face of the earth.
Every time there was a scheduled follow-up meeting with Kevyn, both my sister & oldest brother found a reason why they couldn't make it. After a while, it was pretty clear that further meetings with Kevyn were a pipe dream. Within less than a year, they had virtually no substantial contact with Mom.
Mediation didn't work in Mom's situation. That's the bad news. The good news is she felt she'd done what she could to bring everyone on board.
Fact is, I sympathized with my sibs back then; still do. Open, healthy communication with respectful give & take - including disagreements - wasn't part of our family life. Our pattern was more "if I don't see it, I won't have to deal with it." For my 60-year old brother & 54-year old sister, it was too late to suddenly try to implement a radically different family dynamic.
Intergenerational mediation can make the difference between long-term trauma & short-term discord. I learned the hard way ~ first from Dad & Mike, then from Mom & my older sibs ~ that trying to address & resolve sensitive issues on your own almost invariably leads to disaster, even calamitous results. My brother moved to Australia, where he was when my Dad died less than two years later. My brother & sister didn't have the pleasure of Mom's remarkable spirit over her final, amazing years. Alas, things couldn't have been different back then - the solution didn't exist.
It does today. If you have older loved ones or are what Mom termed an "ancient" seeking to avoid bungled communication with youngers, contact Mediate.com, google intergenerational mediation, or bring on someone recommended by trusted friends or associates (even if they come highly recommended, check out their credentials).
My family were typical of the day. In the early '70s, using disinterested outsiders as springboards for safer family discussions was only a glimmer in the rare counselor's mind. Today, they are ready, willing & able to help keep family issues from ballooning into trauma, even damaged or destroyed relationships.
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