Been thinking a lot about my 08/08/14 posting, to serve us all our days. It seems to me the quote that sparked my musing misses the point about what is & isn't "right attitude" & dependency.
My mother was still with us when I learned - with her - that when support is given ~and~ received with "right attitude," demarcation lines between people being served & ones serving their needs falls away, leaving only loving service.
We learned about the power of "right attitude" from reading - at the same time, yet separately - Still Here, embracing age, changing & dying. Looking back, can see that developing a sense of right attitude was a far cry from equanimity, it laid the ground work for what would come.
My grannie clients' families might weary of hearing me say it, but it is true - when both you & a dependent other, whatever their age, approach a dependency situation with right attitude, you both will receive unimaginable gifts as a result of the exchange. I'll go one further - if only you do it with right attitude, being there for the other with full willingness of spirit, even without reciprocation from them, gifts will come.
It's not easy, cleaning out the emotional plaque that can clog the spiritual arteries of a loving heart. Maybe that's what develops or lays the ground work for equanimity - you've got to get past hurts & history. Not deny those difficult feelings & moments, just to free them to be non-issues. That was NOT easy for me, just as it was NOT easy on Mom to accept my help & support without a sense of being a burden. Praise be, we both did.
How different that last year was because a book read at the right time in the right way.
Which is not to say we didn't have our rocky moments. Yikes! There were plenty of times when I was frustrated & distraught, plenty of times Mom emotionally retreated & shut down. But we both knew the other person's desire was to remain open & receptive.
What IS "right attitude"? Hard to say. Is it related to empathy? Probably. Because it involves seeing things from another person's perspective, being detached enough to being rooted in how it all affects YOU. I guess it is empathy to set aside our natural reactions to longtime triggers in order to maintain a genuinely calm mind. I'd hazard the guess that right attitude, like empathy, includes a sense of good will toward others, all others, an openness that takes us out of our self & lets us look around through their eyes.
Am sure it's different for each person, each situation. For Mom & I, it played out every day, in the wee small hours of the morning. The rotary cuff of Mom's left shoulder was a mess. If she needed to use "Lamb" (her commode, which followed her wherever she went), she'd rattle a plastic hand clapper. If John was still working in the studio, next to her room, he'd help her get up. If he'd come to bed, I would do the honors. When it was me, Mom would often greet me with chagrin & "Sorry to be dragging you out of bed." I'd lean down & put my arms around her to pull her up as I said, "No problem - it's an excuse for me to get in another hug." That made her feel better, because it was the truth.
To me, that moment, which happened at least once ever night, embodies right attitude - Mom openly asking for assistance, me dragging myself out of a warm bed & away from John yet happy to be there, getting that extra hug.
Hmmmm... It's really hard to get across what I mean by right attitude. The only thing I know for sure is it is an essential quality to develop. It's the difference from being there because you need to ~and~ being there because, as inconvenient & challenging & maybe even exasperating as it might be, you truly want to. Not easy, but oh the blessing, the gift of getting to that place!
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