In his early thirties, Mike had what were, to him & Kerry, reasonable expectations of when Dad, entering his sixties, would retire. They wanted to work out a game plan leading up to Mike taking over the business so they could figure out next steps in their life.
Dad, who did not feel like 60 was remotely old, had his own expectations, none of which included retiring. Years later, Mike commented, "Dad acted like he expected to work until he dropped." Which was more or less what happened.
Back in the early '70s, there was no way for the two men & their wives to sit down with a mediator to figure out the different issues, dynamics & possible paths forward. They didn't exist. So, my brother carved out a successful career for himself in high-end hardware ~ in Australia.
The reason for this story is to highlight the difficulties families face in dealing with hot topics. In this situation, everyone could say they wanted to talk about the future of Lockhart Lumber & both couples, but each person - all four - had his or her very definite agenda blocking their ability to be genuinely dispassionate.
Families & the older people dear to their hearts face a similar challenge. When they sit down to iron out potential differences or discuss sensitive topics, there's a high possibility it will blow up in their faces, in spite of their commitment to stay cool, calm & collected. Cool, calm & collected runs counter to the core dynamic.
Caveat: there are the rare families who can handle this sort of hyper-sensitive discussion. They are the few who made open, honest communication part of their family norm from Day One. They are truly blessed.
For the rest, the best way to handle sensitive discussions, especially any having to do with a potential change in the grannie or gramps' life, is with an experienced mediator, someone who can help keep the subject on task, clarifying points so everyone understands each point, who can identify & deflect hot button issues.
Never heard of intergenerational mediation? A good place to check out is Mediate.com - mediators & everything mediation.
Ideally, a family or older brings in an intergenerational mediator as a matter of course, not dire necessity. Want to review the pros & cons of your parents moving from their lifelong home to a smaller apartment or a full-service "senior lifestyle" residence? Want to go on an extended dream trip, but the kids think it's too risky? Involve a mediator from the start. When it's the norm for regular discussions, it's less likely to be seen as threatening later.
Mediators aren't miracle workers. My Mom used her psychologist as a family mediator when she wanted to gather all us kids to ask for support as she (Mom) worked on getting a better grip on who SHE was. Born in 1910, she was raised to believe that a woman's role was to do whatever her husband or family wanted. She didn't come into it. By 1998, she realized she was clueless about her deepest personal convictions - she looked inside & found... nothing.
All of the USA-based kids plus my John gathered with Mom at her trusted psychologist's office. Mom explained her goal of getting a better grip on just who was Katharine Reynolds Lockhart. She stressed that she didn't need her children to be part of her inner work, just wanted to know she had our support as she moved forward.
Kevyn Malloy did a great job of facilitating. She made sure each of us had sufficient time to talk about how we felt about Mom's personal goal. By the time we parted, all four of us gave our support for Mom's efforts.
And then they basically dropped off the face of the earth.
Every time there was a scheduled follow-up meeting with Kevyn, both my sister & oldest brother found a reason why they couldn't make it. After a while, it was pretty clear that further meetings with Kevyn were a pipe dream. Within less than a year, they had virtually no substantial contact with Mom.
Mediation didn't work in Mom's situation. That's the bad news. The good news is she felt she'd done what she could to bring everyone on board.
Fact is, I sympathized with my sibs back then; still do. Open, healthy communication with respectful give & take - including disagreements - wasn't part of our family life. Our pattern was more "if I don't see it, I won't have to deal with it." For my 60-year old brother & 54-year old sister, it was too late to suddenly try to implement a radically different family dynamic.
Intergenerational mediation can make the difference between long-term trauma & short-term discord. I learned the hard way ~ first from Dad & Mike, then from Mom & my older sibs ~ that trying to address & resolve sensitive issues on your own almost invariably leads to disaster, even calamitous results. My brother moved to Australia, where he was when my Dad died less than two years later. My brother & sister didn't have the pleasure of Mom's remarkable spirit over her final, amazing years. Alas, things couldn't have been different back then - the solution didn't exist.
It does today. If you have older loved ones or are what Mom termed an "ancient" seeking to avoid bungled communication with youngers, contact Mediate.com, google intergenerational mediation, or bring on someone recommended by trusted friends or associates (even if they come highly recommended, check out their credentials).
My family were typical of the day. In the early '70s, using disinterested outsiders as springboards for safer family discussions was only a glimmer in the rare counselor's mind. Today, they are ready, willing & able to help keep family issues from ballooning into trauma, even damaged or destroyed relationships.
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