reframing memories

One of the major obstacles we face staying effectively connected with our families are the negative memories that often keep clamoring for attention.  The problem isn't just that they can limit our ability to have happier here & now relationships, but that every memory is, but its nature, subjective.  We can never fully know how well the reality of what we remember has much if any semblance of reality to what actually happened.  

Hard to believe, but I learned my first lesson in the power of framing waaaay back when I was ten or eleven.   Back then, Philadelphia had only three television channels.  But a friend's family had a big antenna & received all the New York channels, too!  Went over to her place as often as I could to plunk down in front of the play room's big-screen (probably 30") set.

Million Dollar Movie was a particular favorite.  Whatever flick was on, I'd watch it.  Which is how I came to first see the Japanese masterpiece, Rashoman. In one afternoon, my life perspective tilted.  The story involves a group of travelers who are robbed by a notorious bandit.  The twist is that the same tale is told from the vantage point of four different people, resulting in four different accounts.  Was a very young child, but totally mesmerized.  Didn't matter that it was set in feudal Japan & had English subtitles.  I was hooked by the thought that different people experience the same event in different ways.  

Each set the event in their own frame.  Which was right?  

Reframing builds off of the concept that one event can be experienced in wildly different ways, with everyone believing that THEIR version is correct.  With reframing, we can take memories & reimagine them.  How might it have looked or been or played out?

In my earlier posting about intergenerational mediation, I used a family story to illustrate how a important, sensitive discussion came apart at the seams, with very sad consequences.  What might have happened if family mediation had been the norm back in the early '70s?  Maybe Mike would have stayed put in Pennsylvania, working with Dad at Lockhart Lumber, instead of moving to Australia.  This morning, it dawned on me that I reframe - to my deep, if fanciful satisfaction - that situation at least several times a month.  And it DOES make a difference in how I remember all the players in the family fracas.  

Every week, John & I have a cozy at Bell's Tavern, in Lambertville, NJ (good food at great prices, friends & staff who feel like family).  Every week, we park around the corner, at Niece Lumber. Every week, I get the opportunity to reframe what happened between two men I love, to put a happy ending by tweaking their story.

Niece Lumber is what could have been the outcome of Dad & Mike's head butt over a path forward for what might have been a family business.  

In my reframed version, Mom spots an article in the monthly Middle Atlantic Lumberman's Association magazine about professional mediators specializing in family businesses.  (This is my reframe, so it's moot that they didn't exist back in the early '70s.)  Over several days, when Dad comes home at night, he's greeted not only with a glass of sherry & a plate of cheese & crackers, it's Harvey's Bristol Cream & slices of a lovely aged cheddar.  Mom makes sure the magazine is within his sight range.  One evening, she wonders if he's read any of it.  Did he see the article about this thing called mediators?  Over the next few days, she builds off his grumbled "yes."  Slowly, never feeling pushed, Dad warms to the idea.  

At the same time she introduces the idea to Dad, Mom also talks to Kerry.  Kerry had a lot invested in Mike becoming more established in the business - she wanted to start a family & it couldn't happen until the two of them had a more secure idea of what their future held.  Mom knew that Kerry, a nurse (who would become a brilliant counselor back in Australia) & very practical person, would appreciate the advantages of having a disinterested person facilitating a productive discussion about what lay ahead for Lockhart Lumber.

After many sessions with the mediator, Dad & Mike come up with a business plan that satisfies both of them.  Mike would look for a new location - one they could buy - and Kerry would come on board as an office manager, leaving Dad free to do the millwork, design & cabinet-making that he loved.  Once they moved to the larger facility, they'd hire a second mill man & apprentice a designer/cabinet-maker to work with Dad.  Over time, most of the business decisions would be Mike's responsibility, leaving Dad time to step back from day-to-day management while still having an important voice.   

The new direction has Mom happy, because she & Dad have more time to enjoy each other.  Kerry & Mike are free to start their family AND grow the business in the visionary way that once seemed overly ambition to Dad.  Even Dad stops grumbling - not only can he take time to go on trips with Mom, the business doubles over the first year under the new business plan.  Dad's confidence in Mike & Kerry grows as they prove to be strong business partners committed to growing the business AND follow through on keeping him in the loop.

In my reframe, the business ends up much like Niece Lumber.  The main office building is Mike & Kerry's domain, where customers & contractors feel like their needs are understood & expectations exceeded.  Framed certificates proclaiming "Best lumberyard ...." decorate the wall, along with newspaper clippings.  

If anyone has a question about design or something Mike can't handle, they head over to the other office building, where Dad & other designers handle the special cabinetry orders.  They have their own set of "Best of woodworking..." citations on the wall, along with framed articles Philadelphia, House Beautiful & Dwell magazines.  The lumberyard itself is kept in the apple pie order that makes Mike's heart sing, and he steers clear of interfering when it comes to Dad's domain.

Dad finds himself happy to retire from full-time involvement in the day-to-day business.  Now, with Mom by his side, he's free to research new techniques & visit major suppliers, a personal touch that gives the business a key advantage over lumber mega stores.  Mike ensures Lockhart Lumber builds on the reputation Dad established from the beginning - not the cheapest, but definitely the best.

When Dad dies at 68, the transition is already completed.  Mom is not only left financially secure, she has the joy of her grandchildren & a strong relationship with her son & daughter-in-law.  

I run through that reframe once a week, every time the car pulls up to the main office building at Niece Lumber, every time John & I stroll the tow path, past the tidy prosperous lumberyard.  

It doesn't change reality, but somehow makes me feel better.  And who knows - if family mediation had been mainstream back then, that just might have happened!

If only more family members - and anyone else who touches the lives of the elderly - took the time to reframe difficult moments in the past.  Ditto for olders.  It doesn't change what happened, doesn't pretend there was really was a different outcome, but it amazes me how it helps to diffuse the active negatives that keep coming up, ancient hurts & hamper present day moments.

Give it a whirl.  Whether you are elderly or someone who cares about an older person, the only thing you have to lose is a layer of protective coating around your heart.

~ Deev ~
the well read daughter