John & I headed into Center City Philadelphia for our first - certainly not last - Death Cafe. A fairly recent phenom, Death Cafes are a place for people to gather & talk about death & dying as they eat & drink.
Our gathering was at Le Pain Quotidien, in the heart of Philadelphia. We parked a (long) five blocks away, near Square on Square. Hey, it was a Wednesday night - figured if the gathering finished at 8:30, as scheduled, we'd hoof it back to 19th & Chestnut in plenty of time to catch at least one set of the All-Stars Jazz Trio.
Both of us enjoyed the walk down & over to the restaurant, in spite of threatening clouds. Introductions had already started by the time we arrived. What a rich range of experience & interests!
Since discussion is confidential, can't share a lot, except to say that it was well worth the drive into the city. A lot of interesting insights, opinions and expectations. There were people there with gobs of experience in working with the dying, even one woman who had written a book touching on the subject.
To the person who was dismissive of my own book on inter-generational activities for grandparents & other grand friends - where was the science behind them? had to explain that the words "dementia" & "Alzheimer's" would be noticeably absence - may I repeat that my credentials don't include MSW or PhD, but am quite comfortable with tried & true LOVE.
A few seemed put off because my focus is on LIVING. This was a discussion about death! But the young lady to my right, who had to leave soon after we arrived, got it - life & death go hand in hand. When Mom spent a good part of her last week answering e-mails from local college Psych 101 students about transitioning, she focused on her still strong elan vital more than on the mundane details of pegging out.
Now that I'm more tuned into the Death Cafe dynamics, there are a lot of areas that beckon. Our culture seems so messed up when it comes to our expectations of death & even more so our (reasonable) fear of a prolonged dying. What are the purposes of the deterioration process, whether it happens at the end of a long life flow, as it did for Mom, or interrupts it mid-stream, as happened with Dad? How can we approach death with reverence & even difficult deaths with a full awareness of being useful to our final breath? Beyond questions of the purpose of death, how do we live out a lifelong partnership with death, what do we find purposeful about our relationship to death?
The key dynamic of strangers talking about their views feelings hopes about death & dying is the very underpinning of a Death Cafe. Strangers - and not a one allowed to stand on a soap box to promote his or her beliefs, each one required to respect the others.
Most of the participants at last night's cafe were boomers, with a few older & several younger, but there's no age limitation - anyone with an interest, for whatever reason, in dying & death.
One young woman who had planned on being there for some time had a fresh reason for seeking counsel - her best friend's brother had been killed just the day before in a terrible accident. How could she best support her friend, she asked. That opened up some of the best discussion of the evening.
Imagine hearing, over a span of gatherings, how a variety of people experience dying & death, from childhood to the present day. To learn how they've broached or handled the deterioration or sudden deaths of loved ones. How do they mourn? What does grief look like, feel like to them? How have they talked about the future with a seriously ill parent, with a child diagnosed with a terminal condition, with a critically injured friend? What steps have people taken to prepare for their own death, whatever the age?
Sorry if it seemed sort of out of place last night, but my personal attitude toward death will always be to see even the most difficult - my vibrant father suffering the realization that his cancer-inflicted brain was working against him, not with him; a friend's mother suffering through Parkinson's; a cousin's daughter suddenly gone after a car crash; my own brother shot dead at 11 - as walking hand in hand with life.
That's my Death Cafe story & I'm sticking with it! What would yours be? What would you like to share, hear about dying & death? More news coming on the next Death Cafe, maybe even one organized by this future death doula!
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