Nurturing a giddy old age

Just wrote a Dream Reweaver posting on "getting to giddy," about my rare good fortune to not only find myself crying giddy tears of disbelief at getting to be me, but that so many of my friends, pleasant acquaintances & practically strangers do, too.  And many who don't - but enjoy strong partnerships with a spouse, great kids, work they appreciate, lives that bring meaning to themselves & others - should!

One of my highest goals in working with friends of all ages is helping them lay the groundwork for a giddy old age, one that is marked with an awareness of all they have in their lives, all they offer to themselves & others, all the adventures that still stretch out before them.  Can be challenging, at any age, to get people to see all the potential that is in growing old, older, REALLY OLD.  And it is there.  

 

The highest goal of what I do is helping older friends find themselves crying giddy tears of disbelief at getting to be themselves, right where they are.  What do I want to do with the rest of forever?  That's it!

Routine & ritual

Not that long ago, all too often the last thing I did before heading up to bed was to read something online.  Did not make for a good night's sleep!

What a difference from my parents' nightly routine.  The last thing they did before dowsing the light was to read from the Bible & The Writings, to say their prayers - together.  

That was typical for many, if not most, in their generation, whatever the faith.  Read from about spiritual matters, say prayers, go to bed.  That was a routine my mother followed for all of her days, that stood her in remarkably good stead after Dad died so young (63) & she lived so long (91).

 

John & I rarely go to bed at the same time.  Being an artist, he's developed strange hours that work well with his creative muse, but out-of-whack with his wife's norm.  So different from my parents, who went to sleep & got up at the same time.

Been thinking about the power that developing daily routines & rituals held for Mom during her long years alone.  Got me to wondering how many of us youngers are developing similar patterns that can give us comfort when if how our lives are set on end.  John & I haven't.  Oh, there are things we regularly do together, but nothing we do on a daily basis, for a higher reason than sharing a meal or watching something.  

 

Every time my parents read the Bible together or said their prayers in unison, every time we said "O give thanks..." as a family before each meal, it was a spiritually enriching experience, drawing them & us together in ways that transcended home school community life.  It was more, much more.  And it lasted, even long after Dad slipped from us.

What practices did my parents develop throughout their marriage that helped sustain Mom over the 25+ years she was alone?  What practices actually helped her feel somehow NOT alone?  And what can John & I do to help bring similar practices into our marriage, our everyday life?  How can we prepare, together, for a life apart?

That's a ponder I'll take with me this weekend to The Great Turning gathering up at the Kirkridge Retreat Center in Bangon, PA (about 2 hours from home).  

Have been to workshops & conferences about aging, but this is my first gathering of oldsters & elders.  What wisdom can I glean about building a relationship that's strong enough to handle whatever is thrown at it, even loss & separation?  What routines & rituals have they developed to help themselves as individuals, as partners, as family & community members?  

My mind & heart are open to receive learn apply.

The power of LETTERS

Digging out the computer studio, came across a copy of a letter Mom wrote to my brother's high school principal, back in February 1961.  Have written about the letter in earlier posts. Came across it about 10 years ago.  It still is deeply affecting.  I feel for my mother & both brothers.  The letter hits home so hard because Mike's experience - by both nature & nurture - within our family seemed to echo my own.

Mom wrote to Richard Gladish, "(Mike) is easy going by nature, lazy as a boy is apt to be, and truly is convinced that he doesn't have what it takes.  He has always believed that Peter is a brain & of course got good marks.  I have tried to show him that anything Peter achieved was through hard work...  Peter had a much harder time concentrating than Mike has;  Peter had to have silence & that is almost impossible some of the time.  So he suffered...  

"As your memory might tell you, Peter did not get good marks much of the time.  He just made a lot of noise about studying with such a gross family around & all the hours he worked, he made a deep impression on Michael, who felt he could never, ever work so hard.  With half that amount of work, Mike could be a top student, but he doesn't know it & maybe thinks it wouldn't be worth it."

This letter, which was SUCH an eye opener for me, wouldn't exist in today's social media environment.  Mom would have sent an e-mail, which she might or might not have printed out.  It most certainly would not have been written on Lockhart Lumber & Millwork stationery, as this one is. There, on a piece of paper, my mother's voice came singing to me, allowed me to listen in on a conversation she was having about a beloved son toward who she felt protective but unsure how to help.  To read that, written when Mom was several years younger than I was on first finding it...  Powerful.

Thinking about the stash of letters that turned up about 10 years ago, remembering the ZAM!  POW!  BOOM! impact they had as I read them, got me wondering about years down the road.  How many folks - like me - think about printing out e-mails & blog postings, only to forget?  Where will the priceless nuggets of information be tucked away, waiting for the just-right pair of eyes?  On a floppy disk?  A thumb drive?  An inaccessible hard drive?

Gives me pause & an opportunity to praise the power - through millennia - of the simple hand-written letter.  

 

Doggone fears

Take all these fears, add them together, and you still won't come close to the silent, unacknowledged but all-consuming fear people of all ages have about growing old in today's America.  

When I was growing up, married couples feared being stuck with mother-in-laws along the lines of Darrin Stephens' mom or Endorra.  Middle-class families making room for aging parents was a comic meme of the day. 

 
 
Back then, younger folks were leery about growing older, becoming more dependent, but there wasn't the level of fear & anxiety that exists today about personally facing decreptitude dementia dwindle.  

Our nation needs an unimaginable number of creative minds figuring out ways to restore a semblance of sanity & peace of mind to the country's wretched image of aging.  Am proud to be thick in the fray of folks focusing attention on the need & potential solutions.

One approach I'm developing is a series of workshops on Developing a 5th Commandment Mindset, where all ages look at what it means to "grow old" in the USA circa 2016, especially in light of the sacred ancient call to youngers to make a difference in the lives of those we love & care about.

 

The big question facing me is when do I start?  Middle age might seem a good time, but is actually far too late.  As James Hillman points out in The Force of Character and the Lasting Life,  "Our midlife encounter with old age is premature.  One hasn't the perception yet that can fathom its (old age) images, so that the answer one finds in midlife mainly reflects our fears."

 

The best way to inoculate ourselves & others against the fear of aging is to have regular contact with older friends & loved ones, to see them living vibrantly in natural settings - as I did, growing up in a small town.  Those opportunities rarely exist in this day & age, with so many retirees moving away from their longtime towns to more affordable places, with so many elderly going into "senior full-living communities" that segregate & too often enervate oldersters & ancients.

Thought about that today, reading about a program in Missouri that teams up young readers with shy shelter dogs: 

"We started this for two reasons," JoEllyn Klepacki, the assistant director of education at the Missouri Humane Society, told ABC News today. "Dogs in a shelter environment exhibit a lot of signs of anxiety and show stress signals, so we wanted to do something to comfort them, and we have a lot of children in our area who are really engaged and they ask, 'How can I help? How can I make a difference?'" 

The kids, ages 6 through 15, go through a training program that teaches them to understand the perspective of dogs in a shelter environment and how to read the dogs' body language.    

"These dogs, if you had seen them before the kids sat down, these were the dogs who would stay at the back of their kennel, scared," Klepacki told ABC News. "The goal is to get the dog to come to the front of the kennel by the time they finish their book, or a few books."  

Stress, anxiety, sense of isolation - all words all too often used to describe residents in even the very finest "worry-free" senior communities. 

We are not going to wave a magic wand & suddenly change life circumstances to have more of our elderly living in their own homes or with children/loved ones, so what can we do to make the reality a heckuva lot better than it is now?   

 

How about similar programs, teaming young readers with older people could be an promising step?  Nothing slap dash.  Well thought-out programs that nurture engagement, connection, enrichment for all.

The more young folk can see & value older people, the more they can see & reflect back that worth.  Might not work miracles, but sure could make a difference helping reduce a sense of isolation, with the bonus of helping reduce, even eliminate, later fears of aging.  Doggone great way for everyone to win!

Credits:

blogs.chapman.edu

bewitchedcontinuum.tumblr

sbcwheaton.org

athomereadinghorizons.com

abcnews.go.com

moda.totalfitness4you.com

huffingtonpost.com