What a glorious week it was! The cold, blustery weather seemed in counterpoint to many warm, delightful moments.
Tuesday - bliss! Lunch & an art exhibit with a much loved older friend & beloved sidekick, the best pooch in the universe (who seems to be his most content taking rides in cars, sitting on his bestie's lap). Am especially grateful for this particular friendship, because it illustrates - in ways I could never have anticipated - that not every older person who would be served by hanging out with us is able to be a paying client. That begs the question - do you leave such a one in the lurch, turn away your friendship because s/he can't, for whatever reason, be on a client list?
Far from being a drain, this particular friend takes me to where I'd love to be, helping olders & elders engage, energize & empower without "Can I afford it?" Ideally, I'd like the Universe to underwrite my work. That will only happen when I take what comes naturally to a deeper level, start offering - as a free share - what I know & believe with the larger world, letting those who say, "YES!" use it in their own way.
At first glance, it would seem that there are fewer older folks out there seeking more engagement out there than my instinct would assume.
My instinct was surprised when only two residents showed up when I did a "Color with Jazz" hour on Wednesday night at a grannie client's senior care community. Just one, plus our friend.
NO ONE, other than our friend, showed up when John & I presented the 1951 SHOWBOAT on the over-sized monitor in the Personal Care unit's welcoming Activity Room.
My instinct was surprised, but my intuition understood. A body at rest tends to stay at rest.
These older people are familiar with staying in their rooms after dinner. In the Independent Living unit, dinner is a leisurely social event in the formal dining room & the more casual Club Room, even in the cafe, with diners often lingering to 7:00 p.m.; in Personal Care, it's rare when the residents aren't back in their rooms by 6:00 p.m. Some, a few, congregate in an alcove to watch cable shows on a big screen, but most stay in their apartment.
If I was a market-driven entrepreneur, I'd see the dismal turnout & think, "No niche waiting to be built here" & look for somewhere else to get a foot hold. But we are social entrepreneurs. There is no doubt that olders & elders are best served by engaging with others, that the more they get OUT of their apartments, ideally OUT of the unit building property into the larger world, the better off they are, mentally emotionally spiritually.
But a body at rest tends to stay at rest.
Praise be, my grannie client's family has always been focused on keeping their mother active. Anne is proof positive that a body in motion tends to stay in motion.
She enjoyed Wednesday night, coloring - in various shades of her beloved blue - a Mardi Gras mask, listening to Ella Fitzgerald. She watched SHOWBOAT on a big monitor, rather than on the considerably smaller one back in her apartment or on our teensy tiny dvd player; we could adjust the volume up for dialogue (couldn't find the remote to activate closed captioning) & down for the singing, which she easily followed.
On both nights, she went off to her apartment & slumbers with a big smile & grinning spirit.
We'll still do the Wednesday night coloring event (this weekend, Color with Sinatra) & a weekend dvd (Friday - Tony Bennett LIVE in San Francisco) in the Activity Room, which has more space & that BIG monitor.
We believe that, like in Field of Dreams, if we keep at it, believe in it, people will come.
Even if they don't, just being there, just offering those two evening events, make a difference. Anne's fellow PC residents have something they didn't before - the choice to be in their apartments or someone else that's fun & entertaining. Even if they stay right where they are, it's their choice. That's huge.
Youngers tend to think of the choices that face us as often onerous. What we can find a drain are now just a dream for many olders & elders.
We youngers don't realize all the choices we make every day, all the options we never see yet are always there. We are so awash in choices, every moment of every day, we don't even realize how they give us a sense of doing & being that's absent for so many living in typical "full service senior lifestyle communities."
That wasn't my mother's experience, nor my mother-in-law's. Mom Murphy lived alone & loved it; the only help she needed from John was with the heavy shopping. Mom lived with us, an invaluable member of our
family ecosystem, an active participant on her online community, with her own share of choices every day - do I sit in the big chair in the
living room, writing letters OR clean my room OR make lunch OR think
about what to share with my circle of internet friends OR...
When Anne lived in Independent Living, someone else cleaned her apartment, someone else made her meals, someone else drove her around. All the options & choices that once went with doing those very things were gone. In Personal Care, she has precious few responsibilities. Sounds great, but with that comes fewer choices of what she should be doing.
Choices - they are uppermost in my mind when planning a brunch like the one we threw for our local senior residence, our second. Last month's, celebrating the new year, was successful in many personally important ways, chief among them realizing it's not an event John & I can handle on our own. We need support in the dining room, during the brunch, for it to work. Many of the olders & elders aren't as nimble as they were, so it's important there be extra hands to help.
Blessings on the five fabulous younger women who showed up & turned a fun event into a total pamper for the honored guests, offering the choice of coffee or tea, orange juice or mango or V-8, which of the six breakfast dishes did they want, where would they sit. Seemingly small choices, but priceless.
We had two more honored guests at this brunch than at the first, in spite of a major event elsewhere that lured several regulars away for the day. For the ones who came, those five women turned a pleasant event into a special occasion. One of them stayed to help us clean up - as terrific as it was to have the extra pair of hands, what meant the world to us was her giving us her time.
It's important that the brunch, which John & I currently sponsor & prepare, is laden with choices, including the first - do they come? Do they have coffee or tea? Which juice do they want, or just have a glass of water? Blueberry muffins and/or fresh from the oven homemade biscuits? Which main dishes will they sample - Ulla's mac & cheese? Italian Bake? Amish Casserole? Hash Browns with Ham? O'Brian Hash Browns with Eggs? Eggs with Asparagus? Sliced ham? We offer choice after choice by design.
It took me a long time - years - to get our local senior residence to give us a green light to do such a major event. But we never gave us, we worked with what we could get, which was the occasional Movie & Martinellis night, pairing showing a great film classic with dessert & chilled Martinellis served in my champagne flute collection. When you see a need, the point is to do something, then build from there. Maybe it will end up going in the direction you hope, maybe it won't. But when you do something, that something you do will always make a difference, to yourself & others.
It gives me a rueful chortle, knowing how many people shrug me off as unqualified to do all of this - no formal training for working with olders & elders, no coaching certifications, not a single recognizable credential of any type & no interest in getting any.
What I bring are eyes to see & a heart to feel, the experience to recognize a need & the will to make a difference.
This wasn't work that I chose - it chose me. I was one of the blessed, having no less than the Universe lightly tap me on the shoulder, saying, "Here is the need. You have the background loves drive. You have the support & caring extra hands of a special man. Make a difference," - well, how could I refuse?
My advice for anyone feeling a light tap on their shoulders, a whispered call from the Universe - say YES. As crazy as it might seem, say YES. Commit & follow through & if your experience is anything like mine has been over these past years, especially this past week, that little tap will become an arm around your shoulders & wondrous moments beyond imagination.
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