Lessons learned from reading David Richo on assertiveness:
You don't hurt others' feelings by being assertive. If they seem to be, check to see if you've slipped into aggression & right your course. Or maybe they aren't comfortable with assertive people or your assertiveness has triggered old fears or sadness. Don't take it personally.
Stay focused on assertiveness - yours & any others - and not be distracted by argumentativeness. This is so important in inter-family situations, where triggers are so easily set off. Patience understanding compassion.
Assertiveness is not a strategy for getting what YOU want. It's ways & means of manifesting your deepest values & authenticity. In the end, the outcome is just secondary - being your authentic self is primary. This was a WOW insight for Mom.
We are challenged to know when assertiveness in not appropriate. I learned that there are people with whom it feels futile. I distance myself because they seem to experience me as toxic, which boomerangs back so they are toxic to me.
Be informed by others' behavior rather than affected by it. Let yourself observe it without reacting to or being controlled by it. This was a major AH HA! for me.
While you may ask others to hear, acknowledge, understand your feelings, do not need their validation to be who you are.
When you act assertively with others or they do with you, it shows that you/they value each other. This is always powerful, but when it is mutual - ZOWIE!
Assertiveness is self-empowering AND other-empowering.
Assertiveness makes clarity possible. You aren't depending others for how you share information; you're doing what seems right to you. When you speak from authenticity & integrity, you've "shot your bow" - done the best you could. The other might not like it, but it is genuine.
There are times that assertiveness feels scary, risky. Hey, you're sharing what is real without any guarantees how it will be received. But a key part of assertiveness is letting go of trying to control circumstances, other's behavior.
It's impossible to be assertive AND hold onto control. Having a protective net under the high-wire act of life feels safe, but what looks like it protects us actually keeps us fettered.
Assertiveness means that you're clear with what you think & say, but not necessarily with being sure. While it's essential to say yes when you mean yes & no, when you mean no, there will be times you say maybe or I'm not sure. The point is not being definitely one way or the other, but honest.
My mother became more comfortable with being assertive as she edged into ninety. It took me until my fifties to realize that there are some people who seem to experience assertiveness as aggression, no matter how much you try to sooth their fears - don't take it personally.
There is no age limit on learning better ways to communicate with each other, but it does require a willing heart & a kind spirit.
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