Gee, I wish Mom was around to be part of this conversation. Feels a little... funky, spouting off about what I think she expected experienced believed.
On the other hand, I absolutely know a) she is where she longed to be since Dad left us 28 years before she passed, b) we shared plenty of discussions that gave me what feels like a good take on what she thought, and c) she shared enough in her Mindwalker1910 e-mails that others can, even now, figure out what sounds like the Gramster & what seems suspect.
Whew - got that off my chest.
Now, about "...and NO is an okay answer." My family & friends are familiar with me ending a request with those words. I never gave the words much thought, other than letting others off the hook if they couldn't or just didn't want to say YES.
I've got to admit to goose bumps reading in Chapter 2, page 2 of David Richo's How To Be An Adult: The art in assertiveness is to ask strongly for what you want and then to let go if the answer is NO.
In other words, ask clearly for what you want, but let NO be an okay answer.
Hurrah! I wasn't nuts or manipulative or passive-aggressive - David Richo told me letting NO be okay is part of healthy assertiveness!
Mom was NOT fine with being assertive, let alone asking for anything. Because she had to know what she wanted before asking for it, and that would always be a challenge for her, even after her counseling with Kevyn Malloy. Mom was incredibly better than she'd been, but with a long way to go.
Kevyn had clued Mom into needing to know what she wanted, but it was still a struggle. Now, here was David Richo, reinforcing the health aspects of assertiveness Kevyn had introduced. The power of two!
In 2000, Mom still secretly regarded assertiveness as a 4-letter word. Praise be, between Kevyn's intro & David's booster, Mom gained a fresh perspective on knowing & speaking her own mind - especially after reading:
Passive people do not ask for what they want. Aggressive people demand (openly) or manipulate (secretly) to get what they want. Assertive people simply ask, without inhibition of themselves or pressure on others.
That, perhaps above all else - especially the bit about manipulation - took Mom by surprise, helping her fully grasp the value of assertiveness. She laughed as she observed she'd gone through life as passive, then been slammed as aggressive by children tagging her as manipulative, so she might as well give assertiveness a go!
Makes me break into guffaws remembering the first time she was assertive with me. Confession - I totally did not recognize that Mom was being assertive; all I experienced was her disagreeing me with in a strong style I'd did NOT like. Bravo, Mom. Instead of crumbling, she just looked me straight in the eye & said, "You want me to be assertive. Well, this is it!"
Strange, to feel irritated enlightened proud all at the same moment.
Mom immediately recognized the truth of what David lays out at the end of the page because it was what she experienced ~and~ how she'd responded:
Your assertiveness might be interpreted by others as aggression. If this happen, adjust your manner to a level that is less threatening; reassure people you love that you are simply asking for what you want (or your opinion), not demanding it (or expecting agreement); continually acknowledge others' right to say NO (or I don't agree).
Fifteen+ years later, am still filled with the indescribable feelings we felt, turning the page for the last line - Assertiveness is, after all, "power to" not "power over."
Page 22 gave Mom an AH HA! moment, something that made her mind open wide. Page 23 shared an ideal she'd already experienced/modeled (!) the year before. Page 24 pulled it all together.
Imagine the power of that moment - having it reinforced that NO is an okay answer, read it in a book that left her feeling safe ~and~ seeing her best self.
Still takes my breath away.
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