Last night, was reminded that I have a freakin' amazing life, one filled to over-flowing with best practice experiences that I had absolutely no hand in creating. The only thing that I've contributed is the awareness to notice & appreciate, qualities I developed BUT were originally born into me.
Gifts & graces
So many of our gifts & graces were bestowed capriciously. I was born noticing stuff, but without the deep insight my sister had. Mim could read people in ways that still leave me in awe. She had the ability to connect with them - on their level - something that eludes me to this day. She knew how to bring them on board, to engage them with her issues, to win them as allies. And for years - decades - THOSE were the gifts I thought were the most important to have in this life, trashing my own as trivial & trite. Praise be, my heart now celebrates her special qualities ~and~ my own. Giving thanks for coming to that aha & acceptance long before Mim passed, just around this time last year.
We do family
Typically, my aha moments that make the biggest difference are a) simple & b) comes out of left field. Especially when it comes to healing family relationships.
Even before Mom passed in September 2001, my older siblings had distanced themselves. We had no virtually no contact with Peter, Mim or Mike over Mom's memorial celebration, which they showed up at but showed no interest in being part of arranging. Praise be, Mom had planned the basics of her memorial service a couple years before her death & had asked each - and Mike's wife, Kerry - for a favorite hymn to include in the church program. A simple act, but an important one, letting each of her children feel part of final shared moments.
For years after Mom's death, I wracked my brains how to reconnect to my older sibs. Nothing. The first great challenge I faced was HOW to reach out.
Gary Chapman famously teaches that there are five languages of love, ways that people experience affection - words of affirmation, quality time (John's), receiving gifts, acts of service (mine) & physical touch (Mom's). My guess is that Peter's is the first, but they have to be from the right people (which I am not). A lot of people are surprised that Mim's seemed to be receiving gifts - she seemed able to process tokens better than something more personal. At least with me.
in 2010, driving through Center City Philadelphia, John & I spotted banners proclaiming "One Book, One City." An idea was born. Over the next 1 1/2 years, I sent Peter & Mim a book every other month, inscribed simply, "One book, one family" & the date. As impersonal yet sort of not as I could get. After Month 16 & still no word from either, I decided the next book would be the last. Oh, the care I put into choosing that book! And it worked - Mim responded. Just a few words, but it was a start. From there, the two of us partnered our way into an actual relationship!
Had given up on having even a suggestion of relationship with Peter, who gave no sign of being interested, when I spotted, in a favorite shop in beloved Lambertville NJ, a small sign with a BIG message - "We do family." I was letting someone stop me from doing family! The next week, on Peter's birthday, we dropped off some of his favorite Chinese food to where he lives. Came home to a voice message from my oldest bro, thanking us for the yum & suggesting we do it again, but as dinner with him. We did & a relationship was born, one that would be vitally important after Mim's 07/03/15 death.
Giving thanks for the blessings of family & the opportunities to feel the love.
Best Practices
Early this morning, snugged up next to John, found myself remembering dinner last night with a grannie client who's slipping deeper into the challenges of dementia. Am mighty proud of her, remembering how she was able to handle her BLT - layers of lettuce, tomato slices & bacon is no small feat! She has virtually no short term memory, doesn't recall that Charlotte is her sister or that our church always gathers for a picnic on June 19, but she lights up on spotting the Stars & Stripes, beams when I mention her daughter's name, is always ready for another moment of joy.
How many times has my life been blessed with experiencing a similar best practice situation? I think about how Mom lived her life, how Mom Murphy lived hers, my cousin Peggy, "Aunt" Gay, "Aunt" Benita, Louis King... the list of older people I knew who lived life well, as full-throttle as possible, astonishes. But NOTHING astonishes me more than the experience of working with my best beloved grannie client, slipping deeper into The Big D, and her family.
Of all the best practice experiences in my life - personal & professional - this one is the most jaw-dropping astounding. In a culture that doesn't seem to have a clue how to best approach dementia, I am blessed to work with a family that totally GETS it. They worry less about the risk of a fall & more about the risk of isolation, boredom, UNness. They believe more in the power of yes than in a fear-filled no.
My dear older friend lives in a top-notch full-lifestyle senior residence. They clearly know that the best way to care for someone with dementia is to drench them with experience, activities, things to keep their minds & SPIRITS engaged. Like many such facilities, however wonderful, that translates into activities like morning & afternoon activities like Charades & Trivial Pursuit, chair yoga & kick ball, manicures & art classes. Nothing after dinner, which is at 4:30 p.m.
For Anne, unlike most of her fellow 4th Floor residents, that is a starting point, a fall back. Because her family did their research, discovered what researchers proclaim is the best treatment of dementia - lots of stimulation - & set about providing it.
We get together - John, myself, Anne - three times a week, twice for supper & once for lunch. A totally different care partner sees for long stretches over two days & has the honor of escorting her to church. Both of us know Anne's family, her background, live in the same small town where she grew up. We can play "spot the driver's license" & tag up a JSN plate with "Justin, Shareen & Natri!" We can talk about what's happening in the world, in our community, in our church.
A home health partner takes her down to Thursday night concerts in the residence auditorium. Her daughter or a son visits her on Saturday mornings, she has Sunday lunch with her daughter, one of her sons takes her out for Sunday supper.
Anne is kept hopping, which is what the experts advise for anyone facing dementia. And which almost no one actually does. I am so so so thankful, grateful beyond words, that I'm blessed to experience the unfolding of the effects within a best practice context.
It was awareness of that, something that I get to experience that so few ever will, that has me offering up prayers of gratitude this morning for my freakin' amazing life.
May I take all that I've experienced, learned, discovered & make them into something of lasting value for others. Why else was I given such gifts & graces but to pay them forward?
Baddie Winkle,
aka Helen van Winkle
I'm Deev, life enthusiast, general instigator, lover of best practices & blessed with a freakin' amazing life. And out to fill the world with more elders - make that ALL ages - like the great Baddie Winkle!
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