July is a poignant month for me. Mom took her fall on 07/29/01, just around dawn on a Sunday morning she'd expected to spend playing host at a brunch for family & friends. Her response to that fall, to the final pages of her life with us story, would turn one of the worst of times into one of the best. These are tender days, the ones I didn't know would be my last ones with Mom at full bore.
It's impossible to think of Mom & not think of how surrounded she was with family & friends - with her tribe. Well, tribes, to be exact.
Mom had so many tribes. Much to her own amazement, instead of dwindling down as she aged, they grew broader, deeper, richer.
Mom said it was because of the internet, because of being electronically connected. I know better.
Mom was a people magnet. I think about her sitting in the big chair in the living room during a workshop to help mothers of freshmen daughters make memory boxes for their girls. The workshop was in the dining room, but women kept slipping away to talk to Mom out in the living room. Will always hold in my heart an image of Val Lehman crouched next to Mom, the look on her face as the two of them talked.
Mom had her post office tribe - the family & friends who found in her a faithful correspondent. Seated in her big chair, her box of stationary pens stamps perched next to her, Mom reached out across the country & around the world, welcomed visitors who arrived via letter cards notes.
She had her online tribes. Definitely plural. She was part of three discussion groups related to her church & created one of her very own. She became part of these digital tribes when she was in her late 80s & they provided love tenderness support right through her final day. Pretty darn cool, if you as me.
Over the past few years, I've had the great fun of finding my own tribe(s). Like Mom, it's about welcoming in rather than keeping out. Over the past year, those tribal energies seem to have seriously amped up. From feeling fairly devoid of tribe, now joyfully wallow in 'em. Including family!
We live in an age of increasing isolation, when what looks like a tribe might be virtual rather than real. People tend to belong to many groups, flitting between them, with no real roots. Roots are important. Roots are vital to developing tribes.
Roots take time & we live in a time-starved culture that seems to often substitute the appearance for the real. People walk through beautiful parks & stunning surroundings looking at their smart phone to see if a cute little monster pops up - they are in a place, yet separate from it, experiencing not the real, but an illusion. Pokémon GO users can feel connected, but it's a weird definition of "connected."
Older people need tribes, yet often see their own fade away before their eyes.
That doesn't have to be so. I think about Mom, who continued growing her tribes to her last breath & beyond. Her article, The Velveteen Grammie, continues to draw new people to her, to add new members to her tribe against ageism. I think about a grannie client, deep in the hold of dementia, who instead of being crushed often acts like its an embrace, think about her devoted tribe of youngers - at her residence, where the staff blew me away on Wednesday with how they spoke of her with awe & deep respect, the same look on their faces that I saw on Val's as she talked with Mom; at the restaurants where we're regulars, the faces of the owners, the staffs, as she enters; at her church, where she is greeted by generations of admirers & beloved family, friends. They are not the tribes of their youth, middle age, but the tribes of our upper years can be the most important in our life.
Bravo to LIVE HAPPY magazine for its feature in the current issue on finding forming celebrating your tribes. Connection - belonging - well-being ~ these are all natural benefits from finding people who band together. Feeling part of a greater whole is all it takes, but you have to let it happen. You can't force or fake it! Hold the importance in your heart & just let your tribe show up.
One suggestion, something I've found to be important - make sure your tribe spans the ages. Every baby on the face of this planet is part of Anne's tribe - the power of the joy she feels, that fills her face body soul seeing a little one cannot be underestimated, helping fill her sails navigating the challenges of being 94+. I get great insight from an 84-year old friend who shares a cuppa & splits a Be Well tart with me every Friday morning, while younger friends turn to me for a different, older point of view.
Thank you, LIVE HAPPY, for reminding me at this tender time year of the importance of tribes, the value of connection & belonging for my sense of well-being. In an age that encourages stand-alone experiencing, am grateful for your reminder of the importance of feeling part of a genuine greater whole.
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