Understanding Dad a bit better

My father never made it close to wise elderhood, dying at what now seems an impossibly young 63, a year younger than I am now.  Back then, just out of my teens, he seemed O L D.  What a difference in perspective comes with the passage of time.

Dad died of a brain tumor common with people who work with lumber, a growth typically buried deep in an unreachable part of the brain.  (It's apparently caused by chemicals used to treat lumber & breathed in, even with mouth & nose protection, with microscopic sawdust particles.)

It broke Mom's heart that her Own True hadn't confide in her about the horrific headaches he was experiencing.  This was back in the early 1970s. before the general public was informed about the warning signs of the Big C, so we didn't pick up on the little clues that spelled big trouble.

But I got it, even at the time.  Dad had work to do, he didn't have time to hand over to dying.  As it turned out, knowing earlier wouldn't have made any difference.  Nothing could be done.  The only difference is he would have spent more time dying & a lot less living.

ow how he feels.  My swirly twirly brain is back.  My breathing is more labored.  Dad's reality was that if he didn't work, he couldn't afford to make payments for the health care insurance coverage that he got through being a member of the Middle Atlantic Lumbermens Association. 

Dad's health crisis was a many-edged sword  - if he was medicated, he couldn't use the tools needed to run his lumberyard, he wouldn't be bringing in the income that supported his family, he couldn't afford the health care coverage he would need to cover his medical bills. 

For practical, personal & possibly deeply spiritual reasons, Dad was too busy living to spend time doing anything less.

Fast forward 43 years & I can totally relate.  For several years, have experienced an "issue of blood" (in less Biblical terms, vaginal bleeding) & high blood pressure.  Not much I can do about the first, while a WISE vegetarian diet helps keep the other in fairly good check.  I make too little money to be covered under that ACA & we have too many assets for me to qualify for Pennsylvania's expanded Medicaid coverage. 

Which gets me thinking, as I so often do, about both Peter & Mim.  Neither of them proactively sought health care services for medical complaints, even thought they were covered under Medicare.  That is just beyond me.  Me, I'm optimistically counting down the days (203) until I'm Medicare-eligible.  Until 02/07/17, will catch myself making foolish food choices (yes, you can be a foolish vegetarian), being more active than my naturally sluggish self, being more health aware.

And, every day, gaining a bit more awareness of what might have been going though Dad's mind as yet another headache hit.  

My Dad & I were more likely to be at loggerheads than in agreement.  He was Mim's, heart & soul.  Even Mom was never able to convince Dad that his little "bippith" (little princess) had been the slightest bit difficult.  But where Mim had full possession of his heart & soul, it turned out that I got his head.  Dad might not have feel the fierce deep devoted protective affection toward me that he seemed to have for his first-born daughter, but I had his respect, was someone he felt okay with sharing the news that he was feeling a bit off his game, was in need of a vacation. 

I am sure that Dad wished he had the luxury to just be unwell.  The reality is that he didn't.  I wish he'd had the comfort of knowing that his death turned out to have unexpected blessings: 

• Although I seriously doubt Mike & Kerry would ever have returned to the USA, the easy option was gone after Dad died.  Dad passed too quickly for Mike to come back & take the reins.  Without Dad's vision of what his tiny lumber yard & millwork shop offered that the big lumber stores couldn't touch, Lockhart Lumber was gone within a year of his death.

• Mim no longer had the safety net that Dad always made sure was under her; at almost 30, she needed the nudge into getting more in touch with her deeper self - as far as I can tell, wouldn't have happened as long as there was Dad shoring her up in staying tuned out. 

• Mom was bereft without her O Best Beloved, way too young at 64 - my age - to be a widow.  But her retreat into her old ways of feeling less than everyone else - a sad & sorry state that Dad's love & support had held at bay - showed that her relationship with Dad hadn't changed her relationship with herself.  Mom wasn't jesting when she'd note that her long life after his death was due to having a lot left to learn. 

• My life changed with Dad's death.  Mom split what she drew from Dad between her two girls.  Even at the time, it made sense that Mom turned to me for the practical support she'd drawn from Dad - I took after my father way more than Mim.  Mim fulfilled Mom's longing to provide for another's deepest well-being.  That made sense too, because I could stand on my own two feet without a lot of buttressing from others.  The biggest effect of Dad's death on my life was he was no longer there to help Mim keep life at a safe arm's length.  Some day, I will try to get my head around what I mean by that;  for now, I can only acknowledge that her having to face life had a profound & positive impact.

For me, will keep doing what I can keep myself together for the next 203 days, until I get that great & glorious Medicare card.  How much can I accomplish over those days?  That's an interesting spur to greatness & glory!  Over those days, I will have lived with six of Pathros' scrolls, reading each in its due time & giving each its due attention.  I will have planned a March trip to visit my niece's family - her husband & two daughters, none of whom I've met - in Australia.  I will have completed - long before - the Values Vision Dreams project that fills my mind & heart.  Will be well on my way to putting a structure around Cyber Access for the Technically Timid (CATT).  Will have scheduled the monthly meeting of the Nurturing a 5th Commandment multi-faith discussion group to NOT conflict with my travel plans. Will be opening discussions with Fountain Publishing about The Velveteen Grammie.  All can be true through making the best use of my good habits & doing my best to defang the bad ones.

From this moment forward, will do my best to not only understand Dad a bit better, but to also do all I can to more fully reflect his own best habits. 

See, my Dad didn't just talk about starting his own lumber yard & mill work -  he made it happen.  He walked his talk. It was the smallest lumber yard in the Middle tlantic Lumbermans' Association, but Dad contributed more to the MALA per square foot than even the biggest.  Through his personal service & design talents that exquisitely translated what was in customers' heads into what was installed in their living rooms, dining rooms, kitchens, bedrooms, his tiny yard did what many far bigger ones failed to do - survive the arrival of big box lumber merchants. 

May I do the same in my work as a life expansionist, childing expert, legacy coach.  May I always find ways to make the most of what I uniquely offer, encouraging others on every level, providers & provided,  across every aspect of the age spectrum, to do the same.  Making my size be part of what I offer, part of what makes what I do special.

Thanks, Dad, for being an awesome role model, for being enough like me that it feels you might have "got" me, for being straight & direct in how you treated me, for being more than I realize.  May I make you as proud of having me for a daughter as I am of having you for my Dad.

credits:

quoteslike.com

jarofquotes.com

embracingthebroken.com

middleatlanticlumber.com

thefrazzledparent.com