Don't delay

It really doesn't help me one bit knowing that other people saw in my sister the same brokenness that I did.  It does make me feel better knowing for sure it wasn't imagined, wasn't mean-spirited to see what was aggressively ignored by the rest of the family.  Mim was in crisis & it felt like I was the only one without blinders on.

Don't delay.  Speak up, speak out if you see someone in crisis.  At least reach out your hand.  It is hard hard hard & there might be consequences that hurt, but staying silent has the potential of much more grievous hurt.

I will never understand why my own family was so heavily invested in being intentionally deaf, dumb & blind to troubling, even dangerous family dynamics that were buried rather than addressed.  

 

Don't delay.  If you have a serious problem with someone, even a treasured relative or beloved friend, find a way to bring it to the light.  If you have & it went badly, at least you did what you could to make things better.  And it take tact, kindness & compassion.  You have to know why you're saying what you're saying & have some idea of your hoped-for outcome.  What you want the person to come away feeling about what you've shared.

We are meant to put ourselves at risk, to put the welfare of the individual - and perhaps others - above your own.  

Eight months ago, for the very first time in my entire life, I heard someone say about my sister, "What most people don't know about Mim was that she was tough."  As in spirited resilient strong ~or~ controlling mean cruel?  I didn't know.  Then, last night, her own sister did it for me.  Sitting with her at an outdoor concert, I shared what her sister had said, including not knowing how it was meant.  Without a moment's hesitation, she said, "Hard.  Mim was hard."

Sweet relief.  Yes, she was.  She could be wonderful uplifting inspiring - and she could be controlling mean cruel.  And no one bothered to try to help her, which I cannot understand.  By nobody, I mean within my family.  I don't know the friends who did their best.  But within the family - silence ignorance denial.

My sister had a beautiful soul & a troubled heart.  My family glorified the one & ignored the other. 

It's amazing, realizing this as I write - just as my family's reason for being seemed to be keeping a wall around whatever pain robbed Mim of her sense of a core, mine was helping her acknowledge feel embrace self love.  Not that I put those words to it, but that was my greatest heart's desire, as unattainable as my family's goal of restoring a sense of safety & security to help someone consumed with distrust fear recrimination.  

Family secrets only fester & inflict heartbreaking damage.  Age doesn't matter.  Even if something has gone unacknowledged for entire lifetimes, facing it can be incredibly healing.

My mother had several secrets she shared in her final years, secrets she kept hidden most from herself.  i think about her deep pain at not doing enough when her father was dying;  she never talked to anyone about it until her late 80s, when it came out as we were working together on one of her e-mail postings.  Because she'd buried deep in her heart, never told anyone, no one could comfort her, could help her see there was nothing her late teen self could have done to save her father.  But it was a belief she'd carried for seventy years.  I think about her inability to be crushed when her mother, who'd suggested it, handled her daughter's paychecks, "helping" Mom save for her wedding rather than being tempted to spend it on frivols, only to find that Gran had spent every penny.  Spent every penny ~and~ brushed off Mom's shock with, "But you gave them to me."   Mom never could bring herself to grieve that experience & others, but at least could speak about it, which seemed to lessen the pain.  

I am writing this post as a plea to at least try to reach out & help a troubled soul.  Yes, it means seeing pain, means discussing touchy subjects, even being seen as having treacherous motives.  But please please please speak up with words of concern & constructive compassion.  And have an end rather than just getting it off your chest.  

That was always challenging for Mom to understand - the idea of saying something in order with an intended outcome other than just shared information.  As I'd say to her, "How do you want the person to feel after you've talked?  What is the end of what you want to say?" I can't say for sure she ever fully understood that.

It's not easy.  And it is essential.  Don't delay - at least don't put off preparing yourself for the best way to approach, the best words to say, the best time to say them.  If you can, find allies.  Seek professional help, which is what I did.  Be grounded when you share concerns.  And be prepared for it to impact your existing relationship.  I was always a risk taker, not everyone is or can be.  If you can't or won't do anything else, please don't ignore when the troubling behavior happens real time.  Acknowledge it if nothing else.  

A couple weeks ago, I had to reschedule a chores run for my brother due to a grannie client emergency.  When I told Peter, he said, "Well, if that's true, I can understand why it needs to come first."  Instead of ignoring the inexplicable slam, I simply explained, "Justin finds he can't take his mother out & hopes I can step in."  I didn't comment on the snark, but Peter did when he responded with (to my delight), "I'm sorry for the comment.  Let's reschedule."

Don't delay.  Don't ignore.  Don't deny.  Your relationship might take a hit, but it could also help make the relationship stronger than ever.