Two opposing forces

The older I get, the more it dawns how connected being married is to my personal growth.  Among all the sweeting blessings being married to John has brought into my life, perhaps chief among them is what I learn about myself every day.  That, I believe, is the core reason for marriage - not procreation, not the establishment of clan community civilization.  To develop a deeper understanding of my own inner workings, which helps me relate more fully with the Spirit behind my creation.  Family & all the rest of it are tools for achieving a higher state of awareness & connection to The Great Whatever, props for helping us fulfil our life's role to the fullest extent possible.

The older I get, it gets easier for me to see that the things that cause the greatest problems between John & myself are rooted in HOW we each respond to problems situations scenarios.  For me, everything happens as a lesson.  Even the toughest moment, most heart-ripping event has within it something to be learned. 

The older I get, the more flashes of exasperation are muted by memory of similar past situations that ended badly;  softened from hard, even harsh, reactions into something more pliable. 

The more I can remember similar previous moments that did not go well, step back a teensy bit from the current consuming action to look at the bigger picture. 

The more I can remember that hair tingling on the back of my neck, muscles tensing between my shoulder blades, suddenly shallow breathing are indicators that I'm edging toward unhinged.  And, sensing feeling knowing that, can choose a different path.

Is it because John & I have been married almost 27 years that I seem better able to step back from the abyss of distraction & destruction to see a potential bigger picture?  Is it due to my age?  A combo of the two, plus other factors?  No idea.  But am stunned at how less apt I am to give into the bedlam of blame & even self-recrimination, how more readily I am open to seeing things in a different light, from a different angle. 

One of the greatest aha moments of the past couple weeks, couple days, is realizing just how profoundly John & I process things differently.  It would be lovely to think that things will change, but - practically speaking - it's pretty hard to see how that's possible.  There are reasons for why John processes as he does, as real & unknowable as my own.  His way of processing is the opposite of mine.  Just as his can drive me batty, mine can drive him - and a lot of other folks - around the bend.  (I'll never forget my oldest brother getting utterly exasperated with me, exclaiming, "You always need a 40 page discertation for something!") 

The older I get, the more I see how two opposing forces can - with awareness knowledge skill - be used together in wondrous ways, achieving amazing feats impossible with things traveling the same trajectory at the same speed in the same manner.  They can team up to produce the astonishing.  In letting our currently opposing forces be what they are, without judgement, accepting & working with them as is rather than as we think they should be, they can interact react spark new possibility, entwine into new patterns, possibly even new processes!