Sing out for HEALING CHOIRS!

 

Last night, a friend arranged a special treat for her mother-in-law, a mega music lover confined to her bed.  A group of singers stopped by to sing a selection of dear-to-her heart hymns.  Today, a group of youngsters surprised Jane, Max & Shareen with a reprise! 

Inspiration on inspiration.  My guess is the wonder of it all has only just begun.

Our little hometown is chockablock with singers & musicians.  Envisioning a new Pay It Forward initiative - people could sign up as soloists duets trios ensembles & if someone in the community longed to have some singing in their lives...  Voila! 

It would have meant the world to Mom to have heard some of her most beloved hymns sung LIVE in her room.  What joy & satisfaction it brings the singer(s) and/or musician(s).  Really pretty simple to do.  All that's needed is a connector between those eager to give & those happy to receive.

 

Another great use would be for one or more singers to plan a monthly event at our local retirement residence, ideally after the Tuesday or Thursday dinner event.  A hymn-along!  Residents could put in requests for particular songs, with the actual choices picked ahead of time, at random  - a songfest lottery where everyone is the winner.  It wouldn't take a lot of time, nor a lot of effort, just a desire to sing in community.  A lot of the residents watch church Sunday morning church services on the big social room monitor, which is wondrously convenient but means they don't get to be part of the vibrant singing that's part of our church's heritage.  A hymn-along would restore that blessed experience! 

A distant memory stirred, an article read some years back.  An old Huffington Post piece on Alive Inside, a documentary about the therapeutic effects of music on the elderly.  The film shows what happens when nursing home patients are handed iPods loaded with music from when they were young.  

"He used to always sit on the unit with his head [down]...he didn't really talk," says caretaker Yvonne Russell of an elderly man introduced in the film as "Henry." Henry's daughter describes the once fun-loving man she knew, who used to sing every chance he got, encouraging his children to sing along, even stopping sometimes to sing and swing around poles.
   
Her memory is a stark contrast to the Henry we first see in the film, an old man who's been in the home for ten years and who now sits hunched over in his chair, incapable of answering questions beyond a yes or no.

But when social worker Dan Cohen and (the great!) neurologist Oliver Sacks put their Music & Memory theory to the test, handing Henry and other patients suffering from degenerative diseases an iPod full of music, a different person emerges.

"Immediately he lights up. His face assumes expression, his eyes open wide...he's being animated by the music," Sacks says, describing Henry's reaction. He can even engage in dialogue with an interviewer who asks about the effect the music has on him.

"It gives me the feeling of love, of romance. I figure right now the world needs to come into music, singing. You’ve got beautiful music here," Henry says, before breaking into a version of "I'll Be Home For Christmas" by an artist he says is one of his favorite -- Cab Calloway.

My little hometown overflows with people, very young to very old, who love to sing.  Imagine what, building off of Jane's idea, we could offer our friends & neighbors who are unable to get out, who would love to hear hymns they grew up with or songs from the swing era, rock & roll, classic rock.  What a swinging lab for informal music therapy we could become!  

Take if a bit further - imagine if some singers form a hospice choir.  While choirs like JourneySongs focus on " singing at the bedside for the comfort of people on their final journey, for the terminally ill and for their caregivers and loved ones," there's no reason that couldn't be expanded in a small town like ours to include anyone who is home-bound or, like dear older friends of mine, just love music.  Expand it from hospice to healing!  

Blessings, dear Jane, for your inspired & inspiring idea!  This is a concept sure to take wing, to lift spirits & transform, to combine earthly voices & heaven choirs.

  

purpose ~ stretch ~ challenge

I am cut to the Cory core!

An awesome teacher at our local high school has been offered a second year teaching at SYAItaly in Viterbo, fifty miles north of Rome.  

 

Fabulous for him & Pauline, but stinks for those of us back home.  In particular - ME! 

Cory was key in nurturing a marvelous senior project that includes students composing a personal mission statement.  It's beyond description, walking through DeCharms Hall, reading the statements that line the walls.  My heart seems to come right out of my body.

 

Which got me thinking a couple years ago - how about developing a similar program for those other seniors, folks who have tipped their way past 65?  

 

The most frequent wail I hear when first working with older friends is, "What good am I doing?  Who am I serving?"  

While it's easy to brush that woe-is-me comment aside, it deserves serious attention.  And a lot of empathy.  

Which leads me back to mission statements...

Today's culture is awash with mission statements, from students to corporations.  I worked on quite a few during my years at Prudential.  Truth be told, I came away from the process deeply skeptical of its value to behemoths like Prudential or BISYS.  

 

However, I'm convinced of their high value to individuals.  To feel the power, all you need is one walk through DeCharms Hall when the seniors' mission statements line the walls.  

Inspired by the seniors & Cory, I was pawing the earth, awaiting his return to the good ol' USA, before starting to develop my own Senior Mission Statement Project - and now he's staying a second year!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah - it's wonderful for him, for the rest of the faculty & staff, and especially for SYAItaly students who get to have another year with him.  

Guess I have to recognize what it is - a big kick in the butt!  No more dillydallying waiting for Cory's return.  No more delays - get moving!

It's a sorry reality that too many older people seem to feel rudderless, without a sense of purpose.  Too many feel unanchored from lives where they feel needed, useful.  Because all of us - young & old - have a purpose in life.  And it's NOT "being as little a problem for my children as possible"!!!  

My vision is to develop a program that can be duplicated by groups or families, friends or care givers working with my kinda seniors.  Simple, unfussy, with ways to help older friends or relatives reconnect with what matters, with how they make a difference.  

A life without purpose might be existence, but it's not living.

It was back in 1998 that I first worked with an oldster on crafting her personal mission statement.  Mom was introduced to Stephen Covey back when the two of us drove down to DisneyWorld, in autumn 1997.  On the long trek down & back, we listened first to 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, then  7 Habits of Highly Effective Families.  A few months later, Mom made putting together her own mission statement a new year project.  

Her first attempt basically said, "Make as little fuss for others as possible.  Be there as much as I can for family & friends."  

As much as it shook me, reading that, it served as a great jumping off point for discussion.  Was that really her full purpose in life?  

The key turned out to be NOT telling her what I thought, but creating a safe place time way for her to discover her own deepest beliefs about her here & now purpose in life.  

Although I don't remember what she wrote, will never forget experiencing the process with her.

Cory won't be back for at least another year.  And the person who initiated the project, the one he took over for, lives in Costa Rica!  I'd love to justify booking a flight on Alitalia or down to Costa Rica, but makes more sense to consider myself butt-kicked & get working on a version of my own!

It meant a lot to Mom, getting a better sense of who she was where she was, realizing that we are never without a priceless, only-I-can-do-it purpose in life.  

Time to stop thinking small, stop thinking "I'll wait until ..."  

The course into which Nita & Cory poured so much time, energy & love has purpose, stretch & challenge as central themes.  Cory's delayed return gives me the opportunity to embody experience extol those three themes, to step out & step up to making my version of the senior project more than a "wouldn't it be nice..." mental hum, to make it come true.  To no longer wait, to DO.   

Pondering in her heart - How To Be An Adult

Read a book with a parent or with a child!  Trust me - it can be a remarkable experience.  Maybe start with a novel - what an eye-opener it would have been for me if Mom & I had read The Shell Seekers together. 

At least we got to read How To Be An Adult, then Still Here, in tandem. 

Talk about eye openers - as I recall, Mom actually set How To Be An Adult aside for an entire day after reading the first four lines of the second chapter ~

Assertiveness is the personal power to:

• Be clear about your feelings, choices, and agenda.
• Ask for what you want.
• Take responsibility for your feelings and behavior.

To me, those relatively few words were just everyday common sense.  

To Mom, they were radical statements, each & every one.  She'd spent a lifetime being intentionally muddled, abdicating decision making to others - especially her children, acting like having her own agenda was never ever allowed.

The concept of asking straight out for what she wanted was anathema to my mother, whose practice was to only ask for what she expected others would be willing to give.  The thought that she should ask for something simply because she wanted it must have been mind bending.

As for taking responsibility for her feelings & behavior, Mom was always open to that.  Along with taking responsibility for everyone else's feelings & behaviors, too.

Small wonder that she read those four lines, then set the book aside.  As it turned out, not due to distress or inability to fathom, but because they'd given her pause.  Literally.  They made her pause to ponder what she'd read. 

Mom didn't talk to me about it, didn't ask for my input, didn't bring it up at all.  But for a full day, she took the words she'd read & pondered them in her heart.

Most of the time, we never know

A fact of life is that we typically don't know the people we've affected the most.  I've heard from long-ago students thanking me for turning their lives around, kids I hadn't a clue anything I'd said or done had touched.  There they are, wrapping me in a hug & saying, "Thank you!"   

I think of an older friend, someone edging toward her mid-90s who faces memory challenges every day, yet makes an unforgettable impact on the people we see on our rambles.  Friends at an up-country inn we frequented every Wednesday night to hear the great jazz songstress, Barbara Trent;  the All-Star Jazz Trio at Square on Square, where we head once a month for their jazz stylings;  the staff & regulars at Warminster West, Bonnet Lane, West Avenue Grill.  

My older friend & traveling buddy hasn't a clue how they break into smiles when she enters the room.  She makes a difference to them by just showing that it's possible to tip you way toward 100, even face some of the most serious challenges of aging, and never lost your verve, your zest for life & living.

Life takes interesting turns.  Someone told me about a fellow who gave up his dream of being a writer, got back into the corporate world, then over ten years later found one of his short stories included in an anthology of the best stories of 1995.  Stunned, he promtly quite his 9-to-5 job, returned to writing, and became a successful author.  

But the most awesome story about someone with NO clue about his impact on others has to be Dr. Kent Keith.  

Dr. Keith is a fascinating man with rich life experience.  Born in Brooklyn, he was raised in a ecletic range of places, from Nebraska to Rhode Island, Virginia to Hawaii.  He graduated from Harvard with a degree in government, read philosophy & politics as a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford, returned to Harvard to study law, finally earned his Ed.D. from the University of Southern California.  Not shabby!

Today, Dr. Keith is a successful author, teacher & public speaker.  His mission - helping people find meaning in our crazy world.  Prominently featured in The New York Times, People magazine, The Washington Post, The San Francisco Chronicle, Family Circle, he's been interviewed on the Today Show, quoted in The Wall Street Journal and Inc.com, and appeared on dozens of TV shows & more than 100 radio programs around the world.

But all his success & accolades didn't prepare him for what happened in September 1997, at the regular meeting of his local  Rotary Club.  

Rotary Club meetings typically begin with a prayer or thought for the day.  Dr. Keith was all attention as a fellow Rotarian rose & noted with great respect Mother Teresa's recent passing.  In her memory, he read a poem she'd written, titled Anyway.  

Dr. Keith bowed his head in honor - and was astonished by what he heard.  To the rest of the group, the poem - which my mother had framed on her bedroom wall - was inspiring, uplifting. To Dr. Keith, it was infinitely more.

ANYWAY
 

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered,
LOVE THEM ANYWAY
 

If you do good, people will accuse you of
selfish, ulterior motives,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
 

If you are successful,
you win false friends and true enemies,
SUCCEED ANYWAY

 
The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow,
DO GOOD ANYWAY

 
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable,
BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY

 
What you spent years building may be
destroyed overnight,
BUILD ANYWAY

 
People really need help
but may attack you if you help them,
HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY

 
Give the world the best you have
And you'll get kicked in the teeth,
GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU'VE GOT ANYWAY.

After the meeting, Dr. Keith made a beeline for the speaker, asking where he got the poem.  It had been in a book about Mother Theresa.  That night, he went to a bookstore & checked through books about the remarkable nun.  He learned the poem had been discovered on the wall of Shishu Bhavan, the children's home she'd founded in Calcutta. I can't imagine how he felt, finally locating it.  As he describes it, "I wanted to laugh, and cry, and shout-and I was getting chills up and down my spine."

Why his astonishment, the longing to laugh & cry & shout, the chills going up & down his spine?  The poem Mother Theresa had posted included eight of ten Paradoxical Commandments that Kent Keith, a 19-year old Harvard undergrad, had written as "guidelines for finding personal meaning in the face of adversity."

How many people stood in the bookstore when he came across those words, reformated as a poem?  Certainly his younger self, the one who wrote them.  His then current-day, almost 50-year old self.  Mother Theresa on her first reading of the Paradoxical Commandments, then as she reformatted & hung them on the wall to see.

Imagine how it felt, how the hairs on the back of his neck must have stood up, hearing his fellow Rotarian reading HIS words, something he'd written thirty years before, miraculously being shared as something from Mother Teresa.  

Imagine how it felt, realizing that something he'd written as a teenager had inspired the most inspirational figure of our day.  Inspired her so much, she reformatted it to hang where she cared for Calcutta's outcast children.

Now, imagine how you would feel hearing from or about someone whose life you touched in ways you could never have guessed.  I assure you it has happened.  Like my dear older friend, we all touch lives in ways we can't imagine.  

The only thing up to us is whether we touch them as unknowing beacons of life & hope, like my older friend does through her joy in living each day, no matter what challenges it may bring  ~or~  as cautionary tales, attitudes or behaviors that others experience & swear to never ever repeat themselves.  

In his wildest dreams, Kent Keith could not have imagined something he wrote several lifetimes earlier moved Mother Theresa to action, just as my friend is clueless about the many lives she touches, just being who she is.   Most of the time, we never know.  

The Paradoxical Commandments

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas 

can be shot down by the 

smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

written by Kent Keith, 1968  

       

Learning to grieve - How To Be An Adult

 It intrigued me that Mom was infinitely less interested in the characteristics of the adults whose needs were mostly not met in childhood than she was in those of the adults whose needs were.  She recognized, too readily, the characteristics of the first.  

What Mom seemed focused on were the healthy qualities & the possibility that, at the ripe old age of ninety, she could DO something to lay claim to them.

It seemed that she felt...  liberated by the idea that she couldn't make better what had gone so wrong when she was young, that "what was missed can never be made up for, only mourned & let go."  

Mom always came across to me as someone who did her best to keep things on an even keel, to make them go as smoothly as possible, to avoid confrontation & unpleasantness. 

I know, from what she'd shared long before we read the book, she was it was wrong to grieve & mourn.  I have no memories of her crying when my brother Ian was killed (Dad - yes.  Mom - none.).  None from when Dad died.  

In my mid-thirties, before I met John, she finally explained the latter to me -"If I had let you girls know how devastated I was, you might never have wanted to risk the same heartbreak."  

As I said, Mom felt it was her job to help keep the family on even keel.  

Suddenly, here was David Richo telling her that not only was it okay to grieve & mourn, it was essential to relating to life as an adult.  Wow...

Grief-work was a new concept for Mom.  She'd never given any thought to how the unacknowledged pain of her present might connect to the unacknowledged, denied pain of her past.

Rereading that first chapter, am astonished at how quickly she was also reassured that what she experienced with Dad, which truly seemed a healthy & whole relationship, was more probably genuine than not.  

"A relationship - especially the first one in adult life - can put us in the best position to do that (necessary) work.  Our partner stimulates the love & the pain & then - optimally - supports us in healthy responses to them."

Yes, yes & yes - that was her experience with her O! Best Beloved.  It was what I saw between the two of them.  A mutual respect & a remarkable desire to support the other in being the best version of himself, herself.  Alas, other family members suggest her memories of Dad's support were mere fantasy & wishfulness, but here was a straight-to-the-heart description of what she recalled.


When Dad died, that better view of herself crumbled.  David Richo's book helped restore Dad's healing touch.  More than that, he helped Mom be able to connect with her past history, all of it, and let it heal without feeling it was up to her to make it whole.  

Here it is, going over thirteen years since Mom passed, and it's just hitting me for the first time that OF COURSE she seemed to feel it was up to her to keep things steady & calm - she'd done that for all her life, doing her best to keep the awful from making itself felt, to make seem alright what was far from okay.

By going against her deepest, most devoutly held beliefs about family relationships, David made it okay for Mom to experience them with the full horror they deserved, to feel swept with grief, and then move on.  

For decades, literally scores of years, Mom kept ancient grief present in her here & now because she couldn't grieve, thought it was wrong wrong wrong to do the very thing necessary for liberation & freedom.

As a kid of 63, I'm stunned at what Mom was open to seeing, the radically new perspective she welcomed at ninety-three.  At that - or any! - age, may I be so mentally emotionally spiritually flexible!.